my guy friend made a move on me UGH pissed off

[candykisses]

So a while ago I posted about 2 guys who are friends with each other who I've been hanging out with a lot, Curtis and Matt. I like Curtis and he is on vacation right now. A little background info: before he went on vacation he told Matt that he's really attracted to me. Both of them hit on me and flirt heavily with me when alone with me. However when the three of us hang out all together, it is Curtis who flirts all the time and Matt just acts like the friend to both of us.

After Curtis went on vacation, Matt and I made plans to hang out just the two of us and I made sure that he knew it was strictly as friends and not a date. We went to a show and even though he paid for me and everything he didn't act like we were on a date so i thought it was all good. But towards the end of the show he made a move on me (basically tried to hold my hand and touch my leg) and I stopped him quickly. afterwards he acted like nothing happened and I didn't know how to act and neither of us brought it up or talked about it...we just acted like nothing happened, but I could tell he was very nervous for some reason.

 

I am pissed because he's making our friendship awkward and now I don't feel like we can be friends. i am confused and i don't know what to do. I am going to have a talk with him asap for sure even though I don't know exactly what I'm going to say.

and if he made a move on me, does this mean that Curtis doesn't have any romantic interest in me (because friends don't go after their friends' interests)?

Should I stop hanging out with Matt after I have my talk with him?

My biggest question is: should I tell Curtis? or just don't say anything??

i don't really know who liked me first or if it's actually Matt who liked me all this time and Curtis never liked me, or if it's the other way around....i am just so confused about the whole situation.

 

some insight/advice would really help me at this moment, thanks

[tmp0620]

"and if he made a move on me, does this mean that Curtis doesn't have any romantic interest in me (because friends don't go after their friends' interests)?"

 

Friends will go for their friends' interests.

I don't think you need to tell Curtis personally.

When Curtis gets back tell him that you have feelings for him.

 

Talk to Matt, and make it VERY clear that nothing will ever happen between the two of you. I think you can still be friends if he gets it...

[beanpaper]

You should stop hanging out with Matt alone and letting him pay for the "date". It sends the wrong message.

[Cadence308]

I agree that you shouldn't have let Matt pay for the movie. It gave the impression that it was a date. Sometimes guys are slow about those kinds of things. I would just talk to Matt and tell him that you love being with him and that you think of him as a great friend, but that's all that you see the two of you as being.

 

Then when Curtis gets back you need to tell him your feelings so that you know where you stand with him and Matt knows where you stand with him.

[Luke Skywalker]

Friends usually go 'dutch'. That means, each persons pays their own way. If a guy pays for the whole date, then it would send the wrong message.

 

You can even check out wikipedia article on 'going dutch' on

link removed

[TiredMan]

If it's not a date as you say, why are you

 

a) Having him pay for you? I don't pay for female friends. Do you pay for them?

 

b) Why hang out with them when you know ahead of time that they are into you?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I'm worried that Matt will be (or already is) jealous of the relationship between you and Curtis (maybe he doesn't truly like you but just wants what his friend has) and will try to drive a wedge between you two. If so, hopefully Curtis will not be too weak-willed to stop it. Good luck!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Friends usually go 'dutch'. That means, each persons pays their own way. If a guy pays for the whole date, then it would send the wrong message.

 

Me and a platonic guy friend from work have a regular lunch together about once or twice per quarter, and we take turns paying. Actually sometimes I try to trick him into thinking it's his turn, but that's just all in good fun.

[AwdreeHpburn]

candykisses - I've read several posts from guys who don't know how to approach the girl they've been friend-zoned by. Sometimes people here give them the advice to just go for it, sometimes they say talk to her, or make it obvious you like her as more than a friend etc.

 

Sounds like Matt was trying to take it to the next level. I'm sure your reaction mortified him and he is just as confused as you are.

 

I suggest you talk to him about it. Bring it up despite its awkwardness. It WILL feel weird and very difficult when you first bring it up, but once its out there (and I mean in a matter of minutes) it will feel like you're talking to your friend, and it should if he is.

 

Get it all out in the open. Give him the friendship courtesy of your honesty... and let him down easy.

[zpivat]

You can be clear with Matt that you don't wish to seek anything romantically with him........

I don't think it's wise to just throw away the friendship though.

[candykisses]

Friends will go for their friends' interests.

I thought there is a unspoken guy code for this or something? even for girls...i try not to go after my friends' guys/crushes/interests. like if there is a guy whom my friend tells me she thinks is hot and she likes him, then i stay away from that guy and avoid any flirting that will lead to romantic entanglements by all means. i thought guys had a similar code?

 

You should stop hanging out with Matt alone and letting him pay for the "date". It sends the wrong message.

I agree that you shouldn't have let Matt pay for the movie. It gave the impression that it was a date. Sometimes guys are slow about those kinds of things.

Friends usually go 'dutch'. That means, each persons pays their own way. If a guy pays for the whole date, then it would send the wrong message.

sometimes when i'm out with guy friends they insist on paying for my food, lunch or whatever just as a friendly gesture. they are just being courteous and i know guys who admit they do it to all their female friends. i remember i was with a guy friend once and he had a girlfriend so there were no other intentions and he bought me lunch just to be nice and courteous so I'm sure a guy can still pay for a girl and not have any other intentions in mind other than friendship. i do admit however that every guy is different and maybe Matt didn't think this way... so maybe i was naive in thinking that i wasn't leading him on when i let him pay for the show. but i guess my point is that it wasn't a date even if he felt like it was, because there was already mutual understanding beforehand that we were going as friends only. but just to be safe i am never gonna let a guy friend pay for anything again lol

 

If it's not a date as you say, why are you

 

a) Having him pay for you? I don't pay for female friends. Do you pay for them?

 

b) Why hang out with them when you know ahead of time that they are into you?

 

a)some guys do pay for their female friends. i can think of two occasions where my guy friends bought me lunch and they both had girlfriends.

b) i sort of had an idea that maybe he had feelings for me but i wasn't really sure. flirting doesn't ALWAYS mean something. so i hung out with him thinking we were friends but apparently i was wrong...at least now i know

I'm worried that Matt will be (or already is) jealous of the relationship between you and Curtis (maybe he doesn't truly like you but just wants what his friend has) and will try to drive a wedge between you two.

i am concerned about his intentions too...im worried that like you said, he doesn't truly like me. and maybe he made a move on me because he was just horny and wants to get laid

 

I suggest you talk to him about it. Bring it up despite its awkwardness. It WILL feel weird and very difficult when you first bring it up, but once its out there (and I mean in a matter of minutes) it will feel like you're talking to your friend, and it should if he is.

 

Get it all out in the open. Give him the friendship courtesy of your honesty... and let him down easy.

You can be clear with Matt that you don't wish to seek anything romantically with him........

I don't think it's wise to just throw away the friendship though.

here's the thing, our friendship is essentially ruined..it will never be the same. i am going to have a talk with him, but after the talk the friendship wont be as good as it was before...he pretty much just messed everything up by making a move because now he's not gonna be contacting me or initiating convos all the time or showering me with attention anymore. basically the friendship wont be as natural as before

which is exactly why im pissed because ive lost a friend

[monsieur]

Why are you so not-interested in him? He obviously is interested in you. You are friends so the personality compatibility is there. What is the problem? I can never figure this out from women, perfectly good guys that they already get along with and are compatible, but god forbid they try to take it to the next level. I just don't get it.

[TiredMan]

But if a guy you think is into you wants to pay, you say NO. I mean unless you do want to leech off of them, which isn't right. My two best friends are females and I have been friends with them a long time. I wouldn't pay for them unless they were doing me a favor and it was like a "payback" sort of thing. Wouldn't even occur to me to pay for them.

[grymoire]

Why are you so not-interested in him? He obviously is interested in you. You are friends so the personality compatibility is there. What is the problem? I can never figure this out from women, perfectly good guys that they already get along with and are compatible, but god forbid they try to take it to the next level. I just don't get it.

 

It's very simple monsieur. Once you become a girl's friend you stay that way no matter how truly you like her. They put you in that friendzone out of which you can never come out. Women do not want to date their guy friends, they only prefer to date strangers!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Candykisses you didn't do anything wrong, its not your fault that your platonic male friend tried to make a move on you, and yes you're right, platonic male friends do indeed often insist on paying, whether they're interested or not.

 

Good luck with this, but I really think my original assessment is correct, in that Matt sees that his friend Curtis has a new toy, and now Matt is jealous. I'd watch my back around Matt if I were you. He may be looking to level the playing field.

[TiredMan]

platonic male friends do indeed often insist on paying, whether they're interested or not.

 

 

See, I personally think that this is a rare occurrence where they offer to pay and they are completely NOT interested or you didn't do something to deserve it.

 

Like if someone helped me out with something big and we went to lunch, I would pay whether it was a guy or girl. Or if they didn't have money or some other factor.

 

The other thing is there is always the option of saying "no, lets split the bill".

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yes, and another option is him not offering to pay.

[beanpaper]

platonic male friends do indeed often insist on paying, whether they're interested or not.

It could be argued that all platonic male friends who insist on paying are interested and hoping not to be platonic.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

It could be argued that all platonic male friends who insist on paying are interested and hoping not to be platonic.

 

You could start the argument, but I wouldn't be there to take up the other side.

[TiredMan]

But in most cases, the guy offering to pay IS interested. The only other reasons I can think of is the one I described and I have known them for a LONG time (up to 15 years). If I am hanging out with my friend who I have absolutely no interest in, why should I pay for it? It's like why would a guy buy a girl a drink at a bar if he's not interested? I mean I'm not a big fan of buying a girl a drink to begin with (my thinking is that she could also offer) but it's the same to me.

 

Yes, maybe he shouldn't offer but he DID and he is interested. Big surprise huh? But she doesn't have to accept it if she doesn't want to give him the wrong idea.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I disagree; I think if he offers he should expect to follow through on what he has offered to do with no expectation of reciprocation or of gaining anything from it. Seems kind of manipulative on his part to me. What he could do is ask her if she'd be interested in dating him, and accept her answer for what it is.

 

I offer to do favors for friends, and I buy gifts or coffee, what have you, for people I know a lot. I never once expect anything in return for it. Otherwise it wouldn't really be generous, and it wouldn't really be a gift, would it?

[TiredMan]

Yeah but it's not "expected" for a girl to pay for a date, even though I am one who believes she should. It IS expected for a guy to.

 

If you have a guy friend who you don't KNOW for sure that there is no interest (she didn't know for sure), and you all of a sudden send him a card (for no real reason) with a poem you wrote for him or something like that, he might get the idea that you are into him.

 

It's pretty simple. He paid because he clearly WAS interested. A high majority of the time that is the case. She should have turned it down and went dutch.

 

In terms of what you said about "I think if he offers he should expect to follow through on what he has offered to do with no expectation of reciprocation or of gaining anything from it." Some women take that viewpoint when it comes to dating thinking the guy spends all this money on their date on her yet has no right to expect any "play". I completely disagree with that notion.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yeah but it's not "expected" for a girl to pay for a date, even though I am one who believes she should. It IS expected for a guy to.

 

I'm not sure what you're referring to here or who this is directed at, but I didn't say anything about anyone being expected to do anything.

 

If you have a guy friend who you don't KNOW for sure that there is no interest (she didn't know for sure), and you all of a sudden send him a card (for no real reason) with a poem you wrote for him or something like that, he might get the idea that you are into him.

 

Again, I have no idea what you're referring to here or who you're directing this at, because no one mentioned doing this.

 

It's pretty simple. He paid because he clearly WAS interested. A high majority of the time that is the case. She should have turned it down and went dutch.

 

In terms of what you said about "I think if he offers he should expect to follow through on what he has offered to do with no expectation of reciprocation or of gaining anything from it." Some women take that viewpoint when it comes to dating thinking the guy spends all this money on their date on her yet has no right to expect any "play". I completely disagree with that notion

 

That's fine with me, as your views on the matter do not have a direct affect on my life. But when I offer to do something, it is an offer I make with the intention of following through, not with the intention of mapulating or guilting someone into believing that they now owe me something. And I feel pretty OK about that.

[TiredMan]

Was directed at you. Because I am trying to illustrate that you offering to do something is NOT the same as a guy offering to do for a female (like paying for dinner or movie or both) b/c in our society, the custom is the guy pays for the "date". Not all the time but usually. So when he offers and pays, most of the time, it means it's a date or he IS interested in the woman.

 

What's next? He showed up with flowers at her door and that wasn't a sign either that he was interested. Friends sometimes buy flowers for friends too but if a guy showed up with them and/or pays for dinner, 90 percent of the time, the intent is there. She should have recognized this and if she wasn't into him, set the boundaries then and not accepted to be paid for, in my opinion.

[beanpaper]

But when I offer to do something, it is an offer I make with the intention of following through, not with the intention of mapulating or guilting someone into believing that they now owe me something. And I feel pretty OK about that.

The difference is, you are not a guy doing this for a girl.