wanting to talk everyday on the phone or internet, am I selfish or crazy?

[danoooosh]

Well for those who havn't seen any of my posts, my b/f and i have been together for over a year now and 9 of those months have been together in the same place (in the country he lives in) and the other months have been separated since I had to return home.

We have been living in a very depressing and frustrating situation as my b/f wants to come and visit me for a while and due to visa application denial we have hit a very hard time in our relationship where we have even considered breaking up because it is so hard for us.

I have found throughout this time away from my b/f, that he is not much of a phone person (which I had no idea when we were living together as we were in the same place and never spoke on the phone). Firstly he works in a phone company and he is on the phone 9 hours a day, and then its obviously hard for him 2 talk to me when he gets home because he is sick of the phone. And he doesn't have regular use of the internet and if he does its only for a few minutes....

He wants to talk every second/third day or so....whilst I feel very lonely and left out of his life if we dont speak daily. I mean obviously if he or I are too busy working or going out with friends and because of the time difference (7 hours) we can't talk so fair enough I'm not going to make him stop all his life for me. However is it too much to expect him to wake up 15 minutes earlier before work (and he usually starts work in the afternoon) to call me? Or when he is not doing anything to call me? I am the one who usually calls him anyway because I have a very cheap phone card so when I mean him call me I mean him call me and tell me to call him and then hang up or send me a text message to call him.

I know this relationship has taken a very big toll on him and myself, being away from each other and not knowing what will happen in the future and if we will even be able to see each other and stay together has been one of the hardest things to live through in my life so far (I am only 19 and he is 23) but he knows how much I appreciate talking on the phone, do you think I'm being selfish that I want to talk more?

Sometimes when we talk everyday, he says that there is simply nothing to talk about so when I say things to him he just sits silently and doesn't put much imput and when I get frustrated and ask him why he says its because we talk too much and he has nothing to say and if we talk less it will be more interesting but I'm just happy to sit there and him breathing than not talk...

If any of you have any advice please tell me because I want to know if what I'm asking from him is too much...I spoke to him tonight only for 2 minutes and I havn't spoken to him in 2 days and I'm so upset..probably for no reason.

Thanks everyone!

[itsallgrand]

Well, I don't think you are being selfish or crazy. You enjoy being in contact every day.

 

However, it seems he is content to go longer periods without. And that is okay too.

 

Possibly the two of you can find a comprimise? Next time you're on the phone, just let him know that you love talking to him every day. You realize he isn't up for that, so maybe every second day? He might not go for it...and then all you could do really is accept it or decide that it is not 'enough' and move on/try something else.

 

And I do think if he is never the one calling, it would be fair to ask him to take the initiative once in a while. He can easily get a phone card, or you can send him one! lol.

 

When will the two of you get a chance to see each other again? It sounds like you are simply missing him.

[Blue Skittles]

I personally don't think its necessary to talk every day, but I can understand how you feel. You really miss him. The thing is, if he doesn't want to talk every single day, try to keep yourself busy, keep your life going on, maybe take a class in the evening or something. And then you will have more to tell him about when you do talk.

[danoooosh]

yeh well about the him calling thing - the money isn't a problem for us...like he calls me i call him its all the same.

and so basically you guys are saying its fine 2 talk less and i should be more considerate to him but i just think that i am suffering by not talking...and he isn't suffering talking to me so shouldn't he try and help me?

[danoooosh]

and also i cant take a class....im currently studying at university full time and i work...my life isn't so interesting at the moment....no time to take extra classes!

[LaL]

I understand your situation,considering with your age it's perfectly normal to want to talk everyday. you should talk about it with your b/f and find a way that makes you both happy.

believe me I know how hard the time difference can be. I have a 7 hour difference too and i can only talk to him once a week ](*,) . but we still enjoy the time we have together. can't you write emails?

 

stay busy and positive. having an active and full life will definitly help with feeling lonely

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

I agree with the previous poster. I am also in a LDR, we did not talk or webcam everyday. There is time when he is busy with exam or I am too tired to get online after work.

 

However, there is times when I miss him so much that I would send him an email telling him about my routine daily life and talk about my thoughts of him and does not expect him to reply me. He would reply later when he is finish busying with his stuff.

 

Actually, there is other ways of communicating besides phone and internet. You could write him a love letter.

 

I recommend the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" It give you a greater understanding about men. It is totally normal for guys to have nothing to talk.

 

When I asked my bf, "what did you do today?"

He would as usual say, "nothing."

 

So what you could do is writing him a lot of emails and appreciate him for reading or listening, but do not give him a quiz about what you have wrote. Later, he would slowly open up and share some of his daily life details. Then, you just need to get interested on his daily life and the comunication would keep rolling.

 

I do hope this would help you out.

[danoooosh]

yeh but its not like we have nothing to talk about ...cos we do talk and he does open up and tell me day to day things thats going on with him and stuff.....its just sometimes he makes me feel guilty like im making him talk and he sometimes makes me feel like he is doing me a favour by talking to me even though we have a good conversation and i enjoy it ..he says he enjoys it but that we talk to much. so if he doesn't mind talking .....why does he want to not talk so often i just dont understand .....

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

IMO, there is a resentment building up between you two about having to talk.

 

May be you could try not to initiate talk online or on the phone and let him come to you. And see if there is some improvement.

[danoooosh]

yeh i try that but i can't control myself i get sucked into communicating with him somehowwwww ... i always like think about the fact that im NOT gona call him and wait for him ......but then when he does call and he is happy and stuff i have this resentment that is built up inside me for the fact that i missed him and was holding myself back from doing something and i felt like sh** and he is responsible...

[LaL]

what don't you take turns in initiating contact? you could call him and then ask him to call you next time.

 

personally, talking everyday would make me go crazy! I mean after a while it would just be a rutine thing that I have to take care of. And I avoid getting into the habit of talking everyday like a plague! but that's just me.

[danoooosh]

yeh u r so right, talking so much drives me crazy, but i just can't live without it that drives me even more crazy! il just have to be strong and try and not think about it...

thanx heaps for your help

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, my ex wanted me to call every day and it drove me bananas. I like space. I can love someone without hearing from them all the time.

 

One thing I would suggest is not to push it. It'll only make things worse. If anything, ease up. It may not make sense to you that he doesn't want to talk all the time, but that's because you're different. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you or doesn't love you - he's just different.

 

Maybe a LDR is not for you.

[danoooosh]

trust me a long distance relationship is not for me i completely hate it .....but im only in it so i can eventually one day finally be with my b/f because i love him so much i have been suffering and going crazy because of him for 6 months!

i will never put myself in a long distance relationship again, but you know what some people do for the person they love....

unfortunately this is the first time in this situation i never knew it would be so hard for me...

[LaL]

do you guys have plan to get together?

[VeganBohemian]

I second the emailing!

[lisica]

Hi,

 

Has it been like this since the beginning of your time apart, or did it gradually became harder and harder to get him to talk on the phone? Routine is a known relationship killer, and long distance relationships are not different from others in that respect.

 

As hard as it is, it would be very wise for you not to initiate the contact with him in any way for a while. Don't e-mail him, don't call him. Give him some space to come to you. Many man still have a little bit of a hunter deep down inside. If you always keep calling him, you confirm that he wun you over, so he looses his interest and passion to get you, because he has you already. Play a little bit of a cat and mouse game with him to raise his interest. Make him come to you, asking if everything is ok and why you have not called.

 

Meanwhile, do not sit around waiting for his call but enjoy your life. Focus on your study and your work - hey, if you work hard now, it means you will have more free time when you get to be with him in real life again!

[danoooosh]

yeh we do plan to live together .. we are trying now to get him a visa to come here so if he gets one he will come for about 6 -9 months and then i will go live with him and study where he lives. however at this present time i cannot go to him because im in the middle of a year of study and im not going to stop it all to go there because it means i have wasted the first half of the year. Basically we didn't expect it to be so hard to be together we expected about a 3 months distance and thats it...but unfortunately things aren't as easy as we thought they would be.

however if he doesn't get the visa....that means the only time i wil be able to see him is in another 6-9 months....and things are so hard for us like this i dont think we would be able to hold on for so long

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Things are hard not only in LDR but also the short distance one.

For 2 person to be together, it needs a lot of commitment and patience on

both sides to go through all those obstacles.

 

Yes, not only you found it is hard, I also feel it.

 

However, to realise our goal together, we have to have faith in the relationship and put effort it in to make it work.

 

Even if he does not get a visa, it is not the end of the world. I am sure there is always other ways. It might need some patient, time, effort, money or luck.

 

My bf and I are aparted for 10 months. We are doing ok by webcaming online, sending email, letters and etc. Some other posters are having LDR for 9 years. So 6-9 months are actually not long.

 

When both of you are apart, you could take this opportunity to grow and learn new things. It is a great opportunity to improve yourself, to explore world, to make mistake, and to be a better person. This is because you could be a wiser and more attractive woman when both of you eventually get together. This would attract him more.

[5th Ace]

Personally I don't think you're being selfish at all...but then I'm in more or less the same boat. My boyfriend of 2 years now lives in France (he just moved back after 4 years in the States), I live in the US, we're both going to school and there's a 6-hour time difference. But we both love each other and have made plans to live together in kind of a common-law situation once I'm done with university. Between the two of us, I'm always the one who wants to spend an hour on the phone, but because of the time differnce and the fact that he hates phones, it gets difficult.

 

Ask your boyfriend to try doing other things for you. I think some suggestions were emails, but you could also try texting, or ask that he find other ways to keep in touch. Mine recently surprised me with a small box that he'd sent with just some random funny stuff he thought I'd like. In any case, make sure that he realizes how important it is that he communicates with you. Women tend to need communication and reassurance more than men, especially in long-term relationships, and as irrational as that sounds to a lot of men...it's a truth.

[pudding]

hi, I'm in an LDR too and though my bf and I are quite a bit older than you (in our 30s), we have the same problem. I want to talk every day, and I can't understand why he can't call me at least for a few minutes. even if he's real busy, he could call me from the rest room, right? see how ridiculous it gets? he's in a really high pressure job and when he's not working, he's often worrying about work OR he just wants to watch TV, not hold a phone to his ear and hear me complain about how he never calls me.

 

if your bf is on the phone a lot for work, it's hard to want to get on the phone again. also, maybe he just wants some space, and talking every 2 or 3 days means he's actually enjoying it as opposed to being forced to do it. PLEASE don't insist he call every day or you'll bore him and drive him away. give him his space. show him that you too have a life and are independent and mature. and if you don't call him for a couple of days, he'll miss you. get the power back.

 

I know it's harder to do than say. i keep thinking I won't call and then I do but I really think you ought to give him what he wants. just like you think he's being selfish, he might think the same. he might be thinking why won't she give me space when she knows I'm tired/ busy, etc?

 

judge your relationship by the time you spend together when you're in the same place and plan to meet often if he isn't a phone person. and thank you for saving me the trouble of writing this post