I'll try not to make this too long

[amb1873]

My story is this:

 

My ex-boyfriend (let's call him Mark) and I met a month after I had been dumped by another boyfriend (let's call him John). John dumped me after I told him drunkenly that I was in love with him and very politely said he could never feel that way about me and we should not continue any further. I was very upset and now realize it was more of a pride issue of being dumped by someone who I felt wasn't good enough or didn't deserve me from the beginning and by not having him be madly in love with me. I can't explain my rationale for telling him I loved him except we had been together a while and I desperately wanted to be in "that place" again with someone.

 

So Mark and I met one month later, and we actually met through a mutual friend who happened to be John's roommate. We hit it off immediately and had a lot of common interests, and since John had dumped me and said he could never feel love for me I didn't feel badly about dating someone who was an acquaintance of his. Everything was so easy and natural with Mark. However, because we were in the same circle of friends John started to get jealous and make it known to me that he wanted me back. Although things were wonderful with Mark, a part of me still clung to the relationship with John, probably because I hadn't fully gotten past it when Mark and I started dating.

 

About 6 months into the relationship Mark told me he loved me and admittedly I wasn't quite ready to hear it. That was immediately before Thanksgiving when he was coming home with me to meet my family. I think we were both stressed out by the turn our relationship had made by him telling me he loved me, it was no longer fun and casual but serious. We started to fight more, and we had a fight at my parents house in front of them which was an awful thing. Then he sprung on me that he had accepted a position at his company that would require 50% travel and he was committed to that for 2 years. Not only did he not ask my opinion on the matter before accepting, but I was probably 5th on the list of people he told. It hurt my feelings but I knew I had to give it a chance and see if we could make it work. His first trip he went overseas for a week and a half. Although he was busy with work, I received only a couple of emails and zero phone calls even though I was promised a phone call every day. I became hopeless and upset and realized if that was the way each trip was going to be there wasn't any way we were going to survive. Instead of doing the mature thing and waiting until he got back to talk to him about it, I acted on emotional impulse (and quite a bit of alcohol) and slept with John.

 

After he got back I should have confessed to him but I didn't. I didn't think we were going to work out and advice from friends was that what he doesn't know cannot hurt him. After he got back things got really rough, we had a few more really bad fights. But we also got a lot of things on the table and worked through a lot of issues. For the next few months things were incredible, we got along better than we ever had and I fell madly and deeply in love with him. It was the best relationship I had ever been a part of and I started to see a real future with us. I realized then that I had to tell him about John because I was not being honest with him and I couldn't let the relationship progress any further with a lie between us.

 

He had never been cheated on and his number one rule in relationships was that if someone cheated on him it was immediately over. When I told him it broke his heart, we cried together the entire night and in the morning he hugged me, told me he loved me, but that a very good thing had ended and walked out my door. He also confessed that on each of his last 3 business trips he had gone out, met a girl, flirted with her, even held hands and danced with her and gotten a phone number each time! I realize the magnitude of my infidelity was a lot greater but that was definitely painful to hear also. I was a mess and for the next couple of weeks begged him and pleaded with him that what we had was strong enough to make it through and tried to explain to him how and why it had happened. It was also hard because our mutual friends were all confident we could work it out although admitted that he had every right to not want to. I was friends with his best friend and his mother, and they both talked to me about it after the fact and told me they were praying for us to work it out and they both forgave me.

 

A couple of weeks later he agreed to see me and we went to dinner. We talked about everything but the issue at hand for hours and then finally decided to tackle it. I was desparate and pleading with him and constantly tried to sell him the idea of us being together. He finally just hugged me, said he had missed me like crazy and we cried together for a while. Then I stayed with him at his apartment for the next 2 days. We slept together which looking back neither of us were ready for. I think in his mind he was reclaiming me and in mind I was doing anything it took to prove to him I was his.

 

A couple of days later he told me the weekend was a mistake and it was over again and we would never be together.

 

This was 2 months ago. Immediately after the breakup he rebounded with two different women at the same time, which obviously led to nowhere. We have stayed in contact quite a bit and he has told me that he regrets that decision and that he wasn't thinking rationally and he was just following friends advice on the best way to get over someone is to go out, get drunk, not deal with your feelings, and be with other women. He is not that kind of person at all and feels horrible about his actions. For over a month now he has been single. Also, in the past 2 months, he has cornered girl friends of mine and pleaded his case and tried to get information about me. I started to date a co-worker (also a rebound relationship) and I know that upset him. He would tell my friends that he still loved me but that he just wasn't a strong enough person to be with me.

 

This happened just this past weekend and it made me mad. I felt like he was using my friends against me and it kept putting me back in the middle of it all when my friends would tell me that and wasn't allowing me to move on at all. I told him this and we talked over IM all day on Monday. We fought a lot but then we also had great talks too. We used to IM all day long every day but hadn't since the breakup and it was really good, like old times. He told me that he was not as far along as I thought he was and that he was still very upset by everything. He said that the night before he started thinking about me and tears welled up in his eyes. We also talked about mistakes we had made in the relationship and both agreed that we felt horrible about it, that I would never ever cheat on anyone again and that he would never flirt and get telephone numbers from women when he was dating someone either. We agreed that if we had just communicated instead of reacting things would have worked out fine and we were both sad that things happened the way they did. I didn't want to press the issue because I thought he was still of the opinion that we would never be together but he just wanted to reaffirm to me he still cared. I talked with some friends and they agreed it was only setting me back to keep talking to him and have him tell me these things if he refused to move forward and work on our relationship again. So that night I text messaged him and asked him if there was any chance of us being together again. Instead of getting his usual, I'm sorry but no response. he wrote me back and said yes, although it still is incredibly painful, it is impossible for me to forget you special you are and how great we were together.

 

I didn't write back because A- I was shocked and B- I didn't want to pressure him and drive him away the way I had the first time. Yesterday I did not get on IM because I didn't know what to say. We emailed back and forth a couple of times about neutral topics but that was all that was said.

 

I have not followed the no contact advice offered here over and over. I have to admit that I have fallen to the occasional random text message or email telling him how much I miss him and love him. I will tell him that I cannot handle talking to him and he will respect my decision and not write me back, but then that only makes me think he doesn't care so I start the cycle up all over again.

 

What should I do now? Especially now that I have been given the first possible sign of hope? Do I implement the no contact and give him his space? Do I address the fact that he said there might be a chance and see exactly what he meant by that or do I wait for him to come to me?

[tylercdurden2004]

Simple. You are using men to validate yourself. You tell one guy you "love" him and when he doesnt return the "favour" you get in a spin. You are angry because he doesnt feel the same way. Then you get upset becaue your BF doenst consult you on his career choice, right or wrong I am assuming there was reason. Then in 1 1/2 weeks of work he doesnt call you ENOUGH. Then you cheat on him with his friend(your ex). When he flips the script on you, and tells you he flirted with another girl you come crawling back begging and pleading.

 

You really need to stop looking to men to make yourself feel worthy.

[amb1873]

I don't think that is really fair.

 

I did not want to meet Mark when I met him and knew from the beginning the timing was bad for us. I just didn't want to pass up an opportunity to get to know someone because I had just come out of a relationship.

 

Yes, I did feel I needed some validation over John because my pride was wounded with him.

 

And yes, I admitted that I did not handle the Mark situation correctly by cheating on him with John. He didn't not call me "enough" when he was overseas, he didn't call me at all. We were supposedly in love and to the point where we were going to be building a future together and he made a 2 year commitment to a job not just without consulting me but also without even telling me for a while!

 

I admit my response was not mature or rational and yes, it was my ex that I cheated with. He understands that it was neediness that caused me to do that and I sought out the first and easiest person at hand and he also relates that he needed attention he wasn't getting and that is what caused him to flirt and seek attention from other women. We both agreed that we were in a tough place at the time and we handled it incorrectly.

 

But, as I said, after that our relationship really grew into something real. I am not dependent on him or his attention, I am in love with him. I have said flat out I understand if he does not take me back, it just seems that he is having feelings again and I want to know what steps to take.

 

Just so you know, after my previous 3.5 year relationship ended I was single for 3 years. Yes, I have made bad choices, but I do not see that as a character flaw.

[DN]

Bottom line question - do you want him back?

[amb1873]

Absolutely. I realize that I do not DESERVE to have him back and I will be very fortunate if he chooses to forgive me.

 

He became my best friend but so much more. It kills me to know I hurt him this much and though it was a hard lesson to learn, I know now more than ever in my heart that I need to work on communication in relationships and never ever betray anyone that way again.

 

I have accepted the fact that if nothing ever happens with him again then I need some quality alone and getting back to myself time. I am nowhere near ready for a relationship with anyone else because every man I meet I compare to him. I genuinely do love and care about him and what we had was so incredible I just want to do whatever I can to get that second shot and at least try once more....

 

It's hard because we both realize how great it was and neither of us wanted it to end, but it's just that we may not be able to get past the betrayel and misused trust. When we broke up he described it as almost feeling like a "death" because things were wonderful and perfect one day and the next day just over....

[kellbell]

Well, it is my belief that everyone wants to be validated, more so when one's pride has been bruised.

 

It appears you were not honest with yourself about what you wanted with Mark in the very beginning. It appeared you were not ready either. It lead to all kinds of difficulties. It is my belief as well that Mark had a different take on what he wanted out of the relationship. His actions proved that, not telling you about his job offer, not calling you as much as he should or said. I mean that is very bizarre behavior. Like Tyler pointed out, there is a reason for that. But I am puzzled by why he wants to get back with you at this point. I am also troubled of why you both need to know about one another's life. Either you guys work things out and move past everything OR stay away from each other, each other's friends and refrain from getting information about one another. Too many people are involved in your dirty laundry. That is something you need to talk to about and talk about it ALONE! Try not get advice, validation, or what have you from others.

 

I really believe that Mark is fibbing about his little antics with other women when he was overseas. It is too convienent that he said something after you admitted your infidelity.

 

You both really need to sit down over coffee and decide what you both REALLY want from each other. Then take it from there. I wish you both all the best.

[amb1873]

Thanks for the advice kell. I have made it known to him that I am open to discussing the situation and hopefully he will decide that he is ready also. Until then, I think it is time to enforce NC and move on with my own life.

 

Another question for anyone that feels like responding. Is it unfair of me to ask him to not talk to friends that he met through me about the breakup/relationship? It's a weird situation in that I brought him into my circle of friends and now he still hangs out with a lot of the guys and gets invited to do things even though we broke up. His new roommate is a guy he met through me! I cannot ask him to give those friends up but isn't it a bit unfair for him to keep putting them on the spot and talking to them about us?

[kellbell]

"I think it is time to enforce NC and move on with my own life."

 

This is by far the best thing you can do at this point. The ball is in his court right now.

 

I can see why you would not want Mark to talk to his friends about your relationship and its mishaps but unfortunately, you cannot control what others do. The only thing you can control is yourself and how you react to other people's actions.

 

Take care and good luck with everything.

[tylercdurden2004]

I think it would be fair to ask your friends not to get into the middle of things. Simply asking them to respect your privacy. If he wants to make an issue of it with them its not really fair to them, but you cannot control anyone else. I think your friends should at least respect that.