Does This Make Sense?

[avoj]

Ok does this make any sense? I am madly in love with my friend. We spend a lot of time together, talk on the phone, email a lot. We have hooked up a few times. I have told her my feelings, all she says is she doesn't know how to respond to what I said, but still end up sleeping together, ect.

The thing is this. I care so much about her, when I am with/talking to her I am happy, when I am not with or talking to her I feel lost and empty. WHen she says jump I jump. This is waht makes no sense to me. Let me backtrack to a year ago. I got out of a really LTR last summer. The relationship lasted 7-years, my ex left me, treated me like * * * *. I was hurt badly. OUt of those 7-years together I was a * * * *ty g/f. I think my ex would have killed for the attention I give to my friend cause I never gave her any of what I give to my friend.

What doesn't make sense to me is I love my friend. I don't want to be with anyone. No desire, I just want to be with her, but not necessarily as a g/f, but I want her to be with me. Like I know I don't want a serious relationship or sex with anyone at this point in my life. (It's taken me a year to figure this crap out.) I mean I want to love my friend. I want to take care of her emotionally. I want to take care of her needs. I want to make her happy. I just want to spend time with her. Talking to her, ect.

But I know I don't want a serious relationship at this time. She doesn't either. It's very weird. AM I confused? Am I messed up? I do love her though for more than a friend, but can't imagine being in a serious relationship with anyone.

Let me backtrack somemore. This girl and I became friends back in October. She was seeing someone who was a rebound from a * * * *ty relationship she was in for 3-years with some abusive, controlling witch. Now the girl my friend was seeing was the rebound. They moved in together like 2 months after my friend got out of that 3 year relationship.

Well my friend and I started to get very close in decemeber. We got close emotionally, never physical.

I started kind of seeing someone in Feb - beginning of March. My friend one day calls me tells me she is breaking up with her g/f. Ok. So that night my friend and I slept together for the first time which only made me fall for her harder.

She admitted of being jealous of the girl I was seeing in Feb. We both confessed having feelings for each other, but she didn't want anything with me right now b/c she needs heal and said I do to. One day she told me she doesn't want to be physical with me and we should work on having a closer friendship. Such as becoming more emotional and cuddle.

Asked me how I would feel when she starts seeing other ect.

In April I told her again how I feel. That she has my heart and that she isn't ready for what I have to offer her. I told her I would ask her to date me again someday when she is ready. She didnt' reply to my email. A week later we are at a dinner. She got kind of tipsy on wine and asked me 3 times if I would come home and cuddle with her. So in the car I asked her did you read my email. SHe said yes and didn't know how to respond. That same night we end up sleeping together again. Now t his only m ade me fall more for her.We never mentioned sleeping together after that.

So she invites me to her parents house and I went. Spent 2 days together. Made me fall even more in love with her.

Like I said we have made tons of plans with eachother, spend time together, ect.

I do love her. I care so much about her and would love to be with her for more than a friendship someday. I am confused. I dont' know what her feelings are for me. I'm scared. I'm scared of my feelings. I am scared to death of getting hurt by this woman.

What do you all think? Dont tell me to run. Our relationship is wonderful. I have never met anyone quite like her. Should I give up hope for a future with her? Should I try to pursue it again in a few months?

See I don't know.

[Tigris]

You two need to sit down and have a heart to heart with each other and find out exactly what's going on, otherwise you're going to continue going around in circles.

[Cadence308]

I agree with Tigris, you two need to have a heart to heart talk and set some boundaries so you know where you stand with her. I don't know what your friend's sexuality is, but she is the one who sounds confused. It sounds like you would jump to be in a relationship, but may be holding back because you aren't getting the "green" signs from her.

 

Talk to her...let us know what happens.

[itsallgrand]

Friends don't just sleep together and say things like 'i am falling even harder for her'.

 

You two are no longer just friends. You are in a relationship: a confusing one.

 

Sit down and have the heart to heart. I'm sorry, it is scary, always is. We never know what will happen.

She's playing with your heart like a cat paws at a toy. Too much of this and you will have a very hard time recovering.

 

You are in love with her. There is no going back once we get to that spot. It happens, that's it. Now you need to deal with and protect yourself. Perhaps this will work out. If if doesn't though, you will live, and you will have to find a way to move on.

 

good luck

[avoj]

hey all. thanks for your responses. i have tryed to have heart to heart talks with her. i have told her exactly how i feel. not that i am in love with her but that i feel passionately about her. as i said she said she has feelings to. then one night i was kinda being standoffish towards her. she got really mad. made me sit in the car with her and talk about it. then she tells me that whole black and white thing that she is in the grey. she told me when shes ready and i have a g/f she will tell the biatch to back off.

she said do you want me to lie to you. i said yes so is it black or white. she said black. this was after the first time we slept together.

ok so i emailed her that night cause i was hurting. i told her maybe we shouldn't hang out for awhile or even talk. she emailed me saying that isnt' fair b/c she just got out of a relationship and she isn't going to jump into another one. told me i have no idea how she feels about me (feelings) and doesnt want to have feelings for me.

so one night we were all out. i got kinda drunk. she isn't really talking to me at all. i was upset b/c of this. so i ended up kissing on like 5 different women. she saw the entire thing. so i sat on her lap. started kissing her. then all of a sudden she got nasty with me. tryed telling me b/c she needed her space, knew i was drunk and didn't want to make out with me anymore tha tnight.

next day we were on the phone and i told her not to feel special b/c i was kissing her. she wasnt the o nly one i was kissing. she was like i know you told me that already. then i told her i didn't have feelings for her anymore. (lie) she said you and i will never happen. ect.

then 3 weeks later i admit i do have feelings for her. she doesnt respond. we sleep together again. she doesn't know how to respond.

she invites me to dog sit with her. i go. dog licks my face she says to the dog dont feel special she does that with everyone.

i spend the weekend at her familys. i am going home with her again soon. she is coming to my games, ect. see why i am confused. i don't want to bring it up to her again right now. the convo doesnt go anywhere. i dont want to drive her away.

arghh!!! maybe i am just reading into things. sometimes i think maybe i should date someone and she will either come to the realization she is losing me to someone else and tell me her real feelings or she wont care at all.

i dont think she is playing games.

over the weekend she called me a jerk cause i am not going to a drs app i need to go to. she said well when you get a g/f its not going to be fair to her since you arent taking care of yourself. i was like what

btw we are both females in our 30's

[Tigris]

She's telling you that she does care by telling you in a roundabout way to go to the doctors. Keep that appointment!

 

I think she's just apprehensive about getting together with you as an item. Give her time to sort her head out.

 

Keep us updated.

[avoj]

I honestly don't know what to think. Maybe I am reading into crap as usual. I give up. I am sick of allowing people to manipulate my feelings like this. Yes I do care about her a great deal, but I can only take so much.

Anymore she makes me feel insecure. I am constantly asking myself what's wrong with me? Am I unattractive? Am I not good enough? She told me a few times she is not going to settle. I guess settle by just b/c someone likes her she's not going to go out with them.

I feel like crap. My self-worth is at its lowest and I don't need that.

I was in a 7-year crappy relationshp that I got out of last summer. SHe isn't the only one here that has been hurt. That really irks me about her. Everything revolves around how she feels. What about me? Does she ever stop to ask herself that? I'm one of those "butchies", so she calls me. I often wonder what kind of person she thinks I am.

It's like this. I was showing her some pics on my cell phone of some stuff I built around my house. The first thing she says before I had a chance to show her was this. Are you going to show me pics of girls? What???

I have only slept with 2 people since my ex left me.

Last night I told my friend that I am her emotional tampon. Ha Ha. Well that's what it feels like. She acts like she wants to * * * * around with half the damned town. A few times she said to me she wants an older women to use her as her playtoy, nothing serious. WHAT?

She wants to feel passion.

Well don't we all. HOnestly I think it's time I move on. Her loss. Right? I will love her in secret and from a distance.

[itsallgrand]

Hey avoj...what happened?! Is this one of those rollercoaster relationships...she loves me, she loves me not? Too much drama for me...!!

 

I do think you need some clarity on this. I'll be honest with you: I think you are both playing games.

 

Save yourself some torture (unless you get off on this drama, but do it full well knowing you like it). Pony up and tell her you are in love with her.

She can confess her love back, or you may get the dreaded 'i don't feel that way'.

 

Either way, you would know the truth. If you leave and wipe your hands of her, you would be able to do so without 'loving her in secret'. Because that is NOT HEALTHY.

 

good luck

[avoj]

Ok. Here is a small update on my situation. I was hanging out with my friend tonight and I brought up how I am scared to death of a relationship. One being would I get into a relationship and decide to run for the hills. Two would I be faithful b/c of the fear.

She jumped in and said that's how she feels. Except she had a 3rd. She said she is afraid of geting into something with someone she likes, but then decide she doesnt like them anymore.

SHe also stated she isn't looking for anything right now. Now I didn't bring up anything about us. This was just in general.

Yes it's true I care about her so much. Let me state how much. I am taking her to a dr's appointment tomorrow. Next weekend I am driving 19 hours with her for some sticky situation she is in from a past relationship. I honestly don't think I could do that for anyone else.

I have no idea what she or how she feels about me. I also don't let on how I feel about her.

I guess all I can do is sit back and see what happens. Right? Obviously I make her feel better about her personal things cause she called me very early this morning and left 2 messages. Talked to her a few more times on the phone through out the day. I went over to her place talked to her, listened to her and she felt better. Is this a good thing? We are very comfortable with eachother. Sometimes all I want to do is hold her, but I am afraid she will push me away so I dont do it.

[antkojm1]

How long have you two been playing games? Just wondering, because something has to change or you'll be stuck in a very painful situation. If you are in love with her, and you tell her that, and she doesn't want to be with you, that will only continue to hurt you.

 

I've been there before. I was in love with a guy that was in a bad relationship. He had sex with me when his boyfriend wouldn't. I told him how I felt, and he only ever said "I don't know". He knew, he just didn't want to tell me no because he wanted to keep me around for sex. When his boyfriend eventually broke up with him, not 3 days later he moved accross the country. Him moving was the best thing that could have happened.

[Cadence308]

I can tell that you are in pain. If she can't even respond to your emails then that is not even a true platonic friend. You are spending time with her, hoping that she is going to change her mind about the two of you. She spends time with you, using you, stringing you along, having sex with you if she's in the mood, knowing full well that you have "other" feelings for her besides the platonic friendship feelings. I really think the hardest, but best thing for you to do is no contact.

[avoj]

she responded that she would go with me.

[Tigris]

I hope you both enjoy yourselves.

[MaggieD]

Seems to me she is in a rebound situation, and smart enough to know she shouldn't jump from one relationship to another before she has had time to heal. I just got dumped a few months ago, and though I would love to just pick up, move on, start dating some of the fascinating beautiful women who are out there, I just am not emotionally ready for it.

 

You may or may not have a future together, but one thing seems pretty sure. The timing maybe just isn't right for her right now.

[avoj]

Actually she kinda pizzed me off today. She made plans with me to do something, but now is going to spend the weekend with her ex g/f the same weekend she planned something with me. Grrr!!! That's one thing I won't put up. Seriously I am planning on not calling or hanging out with her for awhile. I need to find someone who wants me for more than whatever in the helll she is using me for.

Oh yeah I would be paying for the tickets to that thing we are supposedly going to. I don't think I am going to take her, cause I feel she is using me.

[antkojm1]

She is, as you suspect, using you. Stop allowing it. She may not be doing it intentionally or even realize it, but she won't change her behaviour unless you do.

[lil_kaila]

Wow, I'm sure it took a lot of courage to send her that e-mail. Way to go! I hope you get the reply that you want! Good luck!

[Tigris]

I hope you get the reply you're hoping for.

 

Good luck

[Tigris]

I'm sorry things haven't turned out the way you wanted them to.

[confused1607307390]

i think you guys just really need 2 sit down and talk, someone wil end up getting hurt, properly you, if u dont talk about this! xx

[Tigris]

I think it's time to sit down and talk to her and sort everything out instead of emailing her.