No Closure in Breakup

[Arielle]

Hello Everyone,

 

I've been following the breakup threads for the past few months and I want to compliment everyone on the great advice you are giving out. I'm starting to heal just a little bit from a breakup, but I think I need some help in taking the next steps.

 

I've been a widow for five years and I have two young children. I had a relationship with a childhood friend of my husband's for the last two years. It was mostly a cyber relationship as he lives and works overseas, but I used to see him when he would come back to the US to visit his parents. Our relationship was somewhat romantic, but it was mostly a very deep, rewarding friendship. There was no pressure on us, as there was no way my children and I would ever move overseas with him, and there was no way he was ever going to move back to the US. Finally, I know he has girlfriends where he lives and it does not bother me in the least. He had told me all about them, and we would joke about the bad advice I would give him.

 

We used to email each other every day and we shared everything with each other. A few months ago, he went two weeks without emailing me. I mailed a few messages to him, and he finally answered me back by saying he thought I should start dating other men, and that he "might check up on me later on to see how I'm doing"! That surprised me because he seemed to always accept the fact that I was busy with my children, my career and my continuing education, and I had no interest in dating at this time. I wrote him back and said I was puzzled because it never seemed to be an issue with him before. He has not emailed me back.

 

I was absolutely devastated for many reasons. There was no warmth or personality in his last email. There was no saying that our relationship was meaningful to him any way. He did not say anything like good luck in the future. Since I didn't know at the time that was going to be his last email I did not say all of the things I wanted to say in my final reply.

 

For the first time I felt like I could not communicate with him. I've been suffering through my own NC issues. After one month of not hearing from him, I deleted most of his messages. Just last week, I deleted all of his remaining messages, his pictures, and donated the gifts he gave me to the Salvation Army. I desperately want to email him one more time, not so much to chew him out, but to give a final goodbye to give me some closure to the relationship. I feel like I can't heal any further without emailing him one more time, but I feel like it could be a mistake if I do.

 

Does anyone have any advice?

[whatsagirltodo]

I will tell you my first impression...could he possibly been involved with someone that you did not know about? Perhaps he was in serious relationship...and you were his cyber relationship...maybe his significant other found out about his online relationship with you? Maybe that's a little far fetched, but honestly, that was my first thought. There could be a hundred reasons why he acted the way he did, the only person who knows is him. But for me, as someone who has had experience with being "the other girl" and never knowing until the girl was calling and harassing me to stay away from her man, my first impression was something similar, but perhaps i'm completely wrong.

[kellbell]

Hi there and welcome.

 

I am so sorry about what has happened. The first thing that came into mind when I read your post is your guy friend has found a person to be romantically involved with and probably wants to invest time in her. Plus, he may feel he would be leading you on if he continued to email you like he has been if he is indeed involved with someone else. Also, he may feel he is holding you back.

 

In any case, you will have to do what he asked you to do. Any other attempts would just drive him away for good. Again, I so sorry for what has happened. Keep posting here, there is so much support here. Take care.

 

(((hugs)))

[Arielle]

Thanks Kellbell and Whatsagirltodo for replying so quickly.

 

I think there's truth in what both of you have said. He might have an ultra-significant other, but I thought we had a type of relationship that he could tell me about her. I've often told him that I had no ownership over him, and if he found someone special and wanted to break off with me, I'd miss him, but I would understand. And it would only be natural if he felt like he was leading me on or holding me back.

 

I can almost see him thinking that if he acted like a jerk maybe I'd get angry with him and get over him sooner. But it's not working - I'm heartbroken and having a hard time getting over him. I cling to his "might get back to me" message and I don't want to do anything to drive him away for good.

 

AND thank you so much for the support. I really need it right now.

[Bethany]

The same thing happened to me, and I am not suggesting for one minute that you do this but I wrote to him back and told him basically, in no uncertain terms that I had been a good friend to him, been there for him and if he thought for one minute I deserved this from him then he could go and SHOVE IT UP HIS A**. He came back and we have been close friends ever since.

[Arielle]

LOL Bethany!!!! Lord knows I thought about doing that more than a few times, though if I do it after 2 months it wouldn't have the same impact as doing it right away. Thanks for brightening my day!

[mmmending]

I was absolutely devastated for many reasons. There was no warmth or personality in his last email. There was no saying that our relationship was meaningful to him any way. He did not say anything like good luck in the future. Since I didn't know at the time that was going to be his last email I did not say all of the things I wanted to say in my final reply.

 

your post is so poignant, with a clarity and ease of expression..

 

i felt that dull ache, and heavy feeling in my chest when i read the paragraph quoted above.. what you described so well i, too, have experienced after a fashion.. it's hard

 

i hope you find comfort soon.. be gentle with yourself

[shorty20]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this! (hugs)

you know what, closure has always been a huge issue with me too. The absolute worst thing a guy could do is to just leave things open.. with no closure and no "it's not working out" talk. Thats all I wanted from the last guy I was with... all I got was silence. I struggled for a while, (as everyone knows I was blowing up this site with my threads) and was devestated, because I thought I needed closure from him. Finally, I realized I didn't, and that I could give myself closure. I put myself out in situations where I had to be around people... and eventually I didn't think about him anymore. I know you can't go out to bars or with friends as much, because you have two children, but I would just do my best to keep your mind off him by occupying yourself with other things... get some hobbies... feel free to PM me anytime, I'd be more than happy to listen or to just be here for support... I know how hard it is...

[Bethany]

I have a gut feeling that it wasn't his last reply because like you said there was no warmth in it or no good luck for the future etc. But saying that, I think that you should try to get over what he did as quickly as possible. Do your best to move on. Do something thats fun to take your mind off him for a while.

 

At least then if he does come back you will be ready and waiting for him, calm and relaxed and totally over the damage he did to you, your friendship and trust in him. And make sure when he comes back, you put him straight on that honey even if it's just to give yourself some peace of mind.

 

And if he doesn't come back, he knows what he can do, doesn't he? HE CAN SHOVE IT......cos you won't care anymore.

[Arielle]

Thank you all very much for the hugs and comfort. I think that just by communicating with people on this site part of the huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I really have no one to talk to about this, and I felt like that was part of what was holding up the healing process.

 

Bethany, there is a lot of wisdom in what you said. If he does email me back, I'm not going to pretend nothing happened, but at least I'll be able to address him in a more calm, controlled way. And if he doesn't email me back, well, who needs him?