Second chances

[Karibo]

Hi all. I'll just explain my situation and hopefully you can give me some much appreciated advice.

 

A year and a half ago I was involved with a guy who I liked very much and he really liked me too but he always pushed me away because he suffered a bad childhood of neglect so now he is too scared of loving someone and have them leave him.

 

We were what relationship counsellors call 'intimacy avoiders'. He was so scared to 'need' me and thereforeeee commit to me (as in no cheating) that whenever we got close, he would immediately start arguments to push me away again. Then because he wouldn't commit, I would try to move on by finding another guy, then he'd want me back again. We both ended up cheating on each other because it was like both of us were too scared of needing each other too much (me because he'd hurt me before).

 

It was like he kept ending it before I would end it, like he was scared I would neglect him, so he'd do it first, but then it just kept happening over and over for six months. I think this was also because I was way too clingy and he felt smothered, but I have changed this about myself, so I am far more relaxed rather than trying to chase a guy now.

 

We were a case of 'can't live with/can't live without' and over the months our connection through this behaviour made us want to be together even more, but at the same time feel more scared of being rejected by each other and hurt again.

 

Our relationship was basically both of us wanting the other to say 'I really want to be with you' but we were both too scared to let our guard down. It's like we were both thinking, 'I'm too scared to need you so much, so I'll get some of my needs met elsewhere.' The stronger we felt for each other,the more we got scared and backed off before getting close again, and it was gradually building and building, until one day it just snapped and I couldn't take it anymore.

 

Basically our cheating was a self-defence mechanism by keeping enough distance between each other so that if break-up occurred it would feel less painful as we were getting some of our needs met elsewhere.

 

Well, one of his main excuses for not being exclusive with me before was because he was in the navy and was away alot. Also he said that his ex's cheated on him when he was away so he was too scared of getting hurt again. But now he has quit the navy and has said that 'it's time to grow up, let's make a proper go of us this time'.

 

I have thought about him constantly since i split with him a year and a half ago, and from the times I have bumped into him over that time, it is clear that he has been thinking of me alot too.

 

I really like him, but am scared that if we get back together, I will just get really hurt again (he's probably still scared of that too). I get the impression that i am the first girl he has ever felt this strongly about (he's 22). Also, my friends hate his guts because of what happened in the past so that's a big issue for me.

 

I think I might have made a mistake this weekend tho - we slept together and I'm thinking that was way too quick! We had a really nice chat the next morning about what we'd been upto over the year and a half and he did seem more willing to let me know about his life (before he would keep me at a distance by not talking about our lives.) We didn't talk about our relationship tho - it's as if we are both too scared to rock the boat - I am too scared to say what I want just incaes he doesn't give that to me, and I don't think he knows how to communicate either.

 

He seems to have finally realised how much he does actually like me since we have been apart. he has always tried to initiate things when he's seen me.

 

What should I do??? I am scared. Have I already blown it by having sex with him?? I want to be with him again I think, because what he said seems more mature. Plus i do not think it is just lust otherwise we would be over this by now.

 

Thanks

[SxcLady]

What should I do??? I am scared. Have I already blown it by having sex with him?? I want to be with him again I think, because what he said seems more mature. Plus i do not think it is just lust otherwise we would be over this by now.

 

Thanks

 

You think you want to be with him??? Or you do???

Also what do you mean by "what he said seems more mature"???

[Belle]

Personally, if I had been involved in that relationship I'd run like hell now. Unless you both have sufficiently worked on the issues that caused the roller coaster, I don't think it'll be any different this go around. And by work I mean counseling for both of you. Just because either or both of you have an awareness of what happened and why doesn't mean you can change the patterns without it.

[Karibo]

More mature as in he was telling me how it's time for him to grow up now.

 

I'm not sure what to do.

[SxcLady]

If in your heart you want to give him a second chance then go for it. If you are not sure, Go on a few dates with him and see if he really has changed. If so, then go for it. If not ... oh well.