Please Help!!!

[meli]

okay, I have been in a relationship for 2 years. I am sitting here right now with a conflict that causes me great stress. Its Monday night I just called my bf at 10:00 at night having not talk to him all day... Mondays are his busy day he goes from work to school and then to the gym with his friend followed by a few drinks back at his apartment with his friend. I call he says he will call me back later when his friend leaves. I immediately feel abandoned. I feel like what the hell ... first we havent spoken all day... yet he would rather drink with his friend rather than even talk on the phone with me for awhile. I feel like I did when my dad would drink when I was a kid and he would neglect me (my dad was an alcoholic and he died from it) so now I sit here and wonder does my boyfriend have a problem that he cant come home from a long day and just relax.. why does he have to drink on a Monday night????or is it just a casual drink.. no big deal.. however, ,my boyfriend does get drunk regularly.. I dont want to be in a relationship with someone who cant offer me the emotional security that I need... I want someone to be there for me completely... I dont know if he can.. he also has many interests that take him away from me often... like for entire weekends.... I always feel abadoned... I know I have issues... since my fathers death I feel abandonment and there are issues surrounding this that I might need help with??? do I sound crazy... very insecure or what... am I simple making a big deal out of my boyfriend simply hanging with a friend or should I be worried... thanks for your help in advance

 

melissa

[TopDawg]

I think you are kinda needy. Men don't like that. It's a sure way to send them running. Why don't you speak to a therapist about your issues with your dad, maybe that will help.

[Yvette84]

Hi, well I understand where you're coming from, my dad is also an alcoholic, (he almost died from it!) and it definatly screws you up!! I honestly never want to date anyone who drinks because I had to deal with it with my dad, It seems like you are normal when it comes to spending quality time with your boyfriend, I mean yeah....if he hasn't seen you all day, he should spend time with you. The thing is, not all guys are like that! the hard thing to realize is no matter how much you love someone, it's not always enough to make the relationship work. I've been through this, and it just causes pain the longer you stick around and it causes him to be unhappy also. I know this sounds impossible, but maybe you should end it if it bothering you THIS much.

You need someone who doesn't drink so much because it DOES bother you. you also need someone who looks at spending time together the same as you, everyones different and you can't change people, I do want to ask if you've spoken to him about his drinking issues though? if so what did he say? if he wants to continue, that's fine, it's his life. but YOU will never be happy having to deal with all this.

keep me posted

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

hi, my dad voluntarily left me and has chosen to continue to continue to stay gone every day for a total of about 27 years. so i know what you mean about that. but as far as your boyfriend not calling when he says he will, it is less of an issue of abandonment, (which, trust me, i will not be the one to belittle that issue...), but it is more an issue of respect and also of integrity (aka, doing what he said he was going to do). he is not doing what he says he will, which shows a lack of 2 things on his part.

 

1) Integrity.

 

2) Respect for your feelings.

 

Dump him.

[meli]

thank you so much ... yes he knows it bothers me and its an issue... I have never asked him not to drink... I have asked him not to get drunk.... and he agreed... its so confusing and upsetting I really dont know what to do.. we have been talking about marriage and I want to marry him a lot ... now I am scared I dont want to marry an alcoholic... but I really dont know if he is.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

yeah, alcoholics can be unreliable, and believe me they have a million and one excuses for their behavior.

[Yvette84]

thank you so much ... yes he knows it bothers me and its an issue... I have never asked him not to drink... I have asked him not to get drunk.... and he agreed... its so confusing and upsetting I really dont know what to do.. we have been talking about marriage and I want to marry him a lot ... now I am scared I dont want to marry an alcoholic... but I really dont know if he is.

Well, if he isn't an alcoholic, he has abig chance of becoming one later! do you really wanna take that chance??? if you tell him how you feel about marrying someone who drinks and your concerns about alcoholism and your past( if he knows about your dad) he should stop. or else he's choosing the alcohol over you, and that's not real love. If he is willing to make that sacrafice and work on some other areas, go for it!! I'm sure you would sacrafice for him right?? but like I said, I've been there and did everything in my power to make it work, but love is NOT always enough. In the long run....you will be miserable.

[neolithic]

well first of all, how old are you both?

 

i know that if i, or my boyfriend, were in that situation, i would do the same thing. at least he answered to tell you he'd call you back. i think you're overreacting and taking out baggage from other things. it would be rude for him to leave a friend sitting there while he talks to you on the phone for a few minutes when he could do that later. and why does everyone think he's an alcoholic? if he's just getting together with a buddy to have a couple drinks, he's perfectly normal. if he doesn't call back, that's one thing. but i understand his behavior.

[meli]

thank you both... I really appreciate your thoughts I am 29 years old. I talked with him about my concerns... He believes its unfair that I compare him to my dad... and yes he knows about my dad... even though he never met him... he gets it. My boyfriend has alcoholism in his family (his grandfather) and he is Irish like me... and with how they say women with alcoholic fathers seek a mate unconsciously who is the same is scary.... I am very stressed because this is the rest of my life and these are serious decisions I must make.

[Siriana]

I din't have any problems with alcoholism in my family and I believe that I'm nt needy so this is my opinion:

It is completely normal that you don't like when your boyfriend drinks to get drunk on a regular basis (I guess during weekends) because you had this very sad experience with alcohol in your family. Some people wouldn't mind but you have every right not to be happy when he acts that way. That doesn't mean you have a right to ask him to stop doing that and that it is smart to wait that he changes his habit - you can only live with it or find someone who is against drinking in the measure that is inappropriate to you.

I don't know if are you needy. You said that on mondays he doesn't spend his free time with you, but what about other days? There are 7 days in a week so if this is just one day it's not such a big deal.

Well, it is completely normal that your family situation has affected you a lot. I have 2 friends whose mothers were alcoholic and it affected them and especially their relationships with other people who are important to them - they are shy, they have low self asteem, they build walls between them and people they care about. They are not brave enough to seek help so they are stuck in a certain place.

So if you want to find out if you are needy it would be good for you to find someone to talk about it, so that you could change that if this is the case.