having a hard time with NC

[anabanana]

hey all,

 

my husband and i (we've been together for 3 years) have had an extremely trying and emotionally draining last 4 months. it all started in mid-january after a VERY stressful year (me studying for the Bar exam and working 11 hours a day, him going to school fulltime and working full time)...

 

we have said and done extremely hurtful things to each other since then and it jus kept escalating and escalating... we are both to blame, and about a month ago it got to a point where we decided we couldn't take it anymore and needed time apart to heal and recover. my husband decided to completely remove himself from the situation (he is much more internal than i am needed some time alone) and has indicated that he doesn't want to see me or talk to me, and that he thinks we should break up but is hopeful about our future.

 

no boundaries have been crossed in terms of infidelity or anything, but serious issues have come up or us (he has alot of pent up resentment against me, and he has brought up alot of insecurity issues for me). we love each other, but things are really difficult right now, so i need soem support.

 

he moved out of our apartment last tuesday. we saw each other the night before and had a nice time- we ended things on an optimistic note. i e-mailed him that day thanking him for letting me come over, and that i had a nice time. that night when i came home, i saw that he didn't take alot of stuff and called him to ask him to please come take more of it since i had a subletter move into the spare bedroom on saturday. i didn't hear from him. i called again on saturday and left a message for him to please come and get his stuff, and i alos told him some good news i received recently. still no word.

he has asked for time and space and i am really doing my best to give him that. i am anxious and want to hear from him since it is very hard to remain positive when i get no response or anything from him when i reach out. we agreed to "separate" and not date other people and just work on ourselves...

 

i just want him to come over and take his stuff (he has a whole load of laundry in my room!) and think it is disrespectful that he hasn't contacted me about it. i also want to see him. i miss him terrily and don't know if i can do this. i fear that things will not end well and that he will break up with me.

 

our relationship has generally been a good one. but i am worried e may have pushed each other over the edge. i am hurt he has not gotten in touch. should i just let it be and not call him or e-mail him anymore? any advice?

[Hope75]

Hi ana,

 

That definitely sounds like a tough spot. I would miss him too if it were me.

 

My advice to you is that if he keeps to himself and needs to time away from you to evaluate his feelings and make a decision, try, as hard at that is, to give that to him. That means no calls, emails, texts, letters, or visits.

 

As far as his things, these really aren't a big deal, are they? (but more of an excuse to see him or talk to him?) bag his clothes in a trash bag and put them in the closet.

 

Hopefully if you leave him be for a little while, he will contact you. It's hard, but try to respect what he's asked of you in terms of peace and to be left alone for a bit, because if he sees that you cannot even give him that, he may decide this relationship isn't salvagable.

 

If months go by with no contact, than I think you would be smart to contact a lawyer and start divorce proceedings, don't let him take total advantage of you- but what hes asked is not unreasonable, so give him some time and see what you can do.

 

Good luck and (((cyberhugs))).

 

This can't be easy for you!

[anabanana]

thank you for the encouragement...

 

it's just so hard- i don't even know his address...

 

but you're right, i just need to lay off and give him time. i should focus on myself and just work on my stuff, and not obsess so much about him....

 

thanks again.

[Belle]

I'm with Hope. I think that if you learn to be patient and take this time to heal and learn what wasn't working in the relationship, you'll have a more solid foundation to go back to. Sometimes couples breaking up and reuniting after a while can make the relationship stronger. Just try to calm the insecurity that fears he's gone for good. Everything is going to be ok. The less you push, the better it'll be.

[anabanana]

so last night i was on the internet and looking through my little "friendster" site, and i noticed that my husband's new roommate had removed me as one of her friendsters... the two of them are co-workers and friends.

 

i thought this was kind of mean, and it made me feel like she probably hated me and was talking alot of * * * * about me. i haven't heard from him for a week at this point and i feel really really depressed.

 

anyways, last night i e-mailed her a message being like, "i hope you're well, i'm glad you're living with noah," etc, etc. then i invited her to be my "friendster".

 

so this morning, not only did she decline my invitation, but she also deleted a testimonial that she had written for me a year ago. this just feels really petty and mean. i mean, i guess she is just being a loyal friend or whatever, but i don't really think it is fair for her to judge me. it makes me worry about the environment he is in and how it will affect his feelings about us.

 

also, they are having a housewarming party on friday, and i don't think he is going to invite me. we are not technically broken-up. we are "separated", not dating other people, working towards a positive future and keeping contact to a minimum. but this is just starting to feel mean and vindictive, and disrespectful.

 

i regret contacting his roommate now, but it's too late to do anything about it. i just have to be the bigger person. but i will be very, very hurt if i am not invited to this party....

 

i mean, i wouldn't go, but i should get an invitation, right?

 

and as far as the roommate thing, i wanted to establish a friendly vibe with her since i might be going over to their place from time to time, and i think her reaction is really immature and hurtful.

 

what do you think? i think that if he doesn't invite me or contact me by then, i am going to break it off. i love the man, but this is ridiculous- we're not in high school.

[Hope75]

Hmmm,

 

Ana this is a tough one. There could be a few different scenarios going on here. One, your husband could be confiding in her your marital issues, making her see you in a negative light and as you say, acting out of loyalty towards him, but I still think that what she did is excessive. She could at least be civil.

 

Another possibilty is that she is attracted to your husband and sees this as a chance to "get" him now that's he's staying with her- which could be why she's trying to alienate you because she feels as though you are a threat.

 

I hope that it is not the latter, but do you think this is a possibility? What was their friendship like in the past, did you ever get any vibes like this?

 

As for contacting her, don't beat yourself up over it, but I wouldn't do it again- things are awkward enough as it is, that's all you need now is to try and deal with a rift between yourself and her as well as the issues with your husband.

 

How did you find out about this housewarming party?

 

I'm not sure if you will receive an invite- possibily not with the whole NC dynamic between you and your hubby, and this women's apparent new dislike of you.

 

I'm sorry, it's a tough spot to be in.

[anabanana]

hey,

 

thanks for the response. i agree with you on the 2 possible scenarios. i think it is probably #1, which is so petty and immature... i am not sure if she is attracted to my husband, this is a possibility, but i am definitely sure he is not attracted to her. either way, i have decided i don't really give a * * * * what she thinks about me, she has no right to judge me, and i am not going to allow her to make me feel bad.

 

i'm definitely not getting invited to this party, and i actually really don't care.

 

i called my husband and left him a message telling him i will be gone all day on saturday and will leave a set of keys for him so he can come and pick up his crap, i told him i love him and miss him, and that i will not be contacting him anymore by e-mail or phone or anything- he can get in touch with me when/if he feels ready to see me or if/when he wants to talk about our future.

 

i am reaching a point where my anger is taking over again, and i am not feeling positive anymore, and several people have been reminding me that i should take this time to think about what i want in my relationship, and whether he is the man for me. my mom told me to make sure that this wasn't just a case of wounded ego since he moved out, and not real love...

 

it's hard to stay positive about a future with someone when they can't even contact you to take care of practical things like picking up their goddamn laundry. and we established certain rules (we're separated, will still see each other about once a week, etc), and he hasn't followed that, which is just a repeat of our entire relationship problem. we have a discussion about some issue, we decide what to do to reslve it, and then the next day he acts like nothing happened. i am tired of that.

 

he is 26 and is a very emotionally immature man who hasn't been communicating alot of things to me over the course of our relationship, and he let it build up until it exploded in this whole scenario where he had me believe he fantasized about sleeping with his 17-18 year old students and like half his co-workers... he made it sound like there were lustful attractions to almost everyone he is around all day....and he lied about stuff and dragged it out over 3 months, and only recently admitted that it's all bull, he thinks some people are cute, that's it, and that he was doing that to make me feel as insecure as he has felt through the course of our relationship.

now isn't that just * * * *ed up?

 

what kind of a twisted passive aggressive way is that to express your anger?

 

it's confusing since i love him, but i don't think we're a good match, and i am going to start moving on.

 

thanks for the advice everyone.