Should I let this go?

[shangrala]

ok, so i met a guy a few months ago and we've been dating since. he's younger than me by 10 years and just graduating from dental school before moving back to new york where he's from. we've been having fun and keeping things light. neither of us has been dating other people. a couple of weeks ago, one of my close family members died, which was quite a shock. he was nice on the phone, but didn't really step up to offer huge condolences/support the way i would have. then my dad went into the hospital for same major surgery and was in the ICU. (i told him about this beforehand.) the day of the surgery, he didn't call until 10:30 at night and then left me some silly message not even mentioning the surgery or asking how my dad was. this, despite the fact that tons of my other friends (including exes from months back) all called to express their care and concern earlier that day. this really left a bad taste in my mouth. i was at the hospital all week and he called and left a few messages. i finally called him back to say that i was just leaving the hospital and exhausted. i think then it clicked and he remembered the surgery. he was nice then asking if there was anything i needed. we talked on thursday and he asked me if i wanted to get together over this (past) weekend. i said i had already made other plans with girlfriends both nights. i called him on my way home last night (late) and he sounded alseep. even so, it sounded like he was blowing me off. given everything i've been through lately, i'm having a hard time trying to figure out what's right and what's not. i'm also feeling kind of lonely (sunday blues?) and not ready to deal with another loss in my life right now. then i remind myself that he will be leaving town in a month anyway.

 

should i just forget about this one and assume he's too immature/temporary to worry about?

[hosswhispra]

should i just forget about this one and assume he's too immature/temporary to worry about?

 

Important question to ask yourself before making a decision:

 

Do he and I share the same long-term goals (i.e. do you just want a "playmate", "companion", or someone to share your life with long-term (in other words- do you both want marriage). He does not have to know if he wants to marry YOU yet or YOU don't have to know if you want to marry him, yet. You just need to determine if you have the same relationship goals, otherwise you may be wasting your time. Don't settle for anything less. Believe in your self-worth and know that what you want is out there.

[Cadence308]

Sounds like he needs to work on his bedside manner!!!

 

It sounds like you already have the answer to your own question. He is too caught up in his own life to really care about your problems. The way that he can easily forget that you recently had a death in the family or that your dad was in the ICU. I think his actions are indicative of how supportive he will be further down the road, regardless if you two have the same life goals. Life goals are only one component of making a relationship work. What about compassion, empathy, support, kindess, caring, etc.? This guy is seriously lacking these other qualities.

 

Maybe you are a fling to him? You did say that neither of you are seeing other people. If I were you, I would think about letting it go. Doesn't sound like a keeper.

[hosswhispra]

. Life goals are only one component of making a relationship work. What about compassion, empathy, support, kindess, caring, etc.?

 

Yes, these are the most important things that Ballys has mentioned, (I would add trustworthiness to his list---good list, Ballys) and then comes the issue of life goals.

[shangrala]

He hasn't acted like it's a fling. He was the first one to start using the gf word and he has always made it clear that when he goes out with friends he does not flirt around like they do because "he's dating someone." So as far as trustworthiness goes, I don't really have any concerns. I can't really see myself marrying him, though, for various reasons (family, career, etc.). I guess the question is, is it ok for me to just enjoy his company for the next month as a diversion to all of the difficulties in my life right now, or should I end things now due to his lack of maturity, sensitivity, consideration (or whatever you want to call it)?

[Lansing]

I think you are better up breaking up with him if you truly don't think you want to be with him long term and that is what you are looking for. If you don't do it now, it will be harder for both of you down the road.

[loveydovey]

Well if you can't see yourself marrying him, but you can still have a nice time out together, then why not continue dating? There is nothing that says if a person isn't marriage material then we should end things. However, if you are concerned about his feelings being hurt the longer you wait to end it, then maybe its best to break up now.

[btbt]

I agree with the posters who say that this guy sounds pretty insensitive. However, I will say that people get very weird when it comes to super serious stuff like death. When I had a death in the family, one of my closest friends withdrew from me, not calling me back etc. Then another family member got really sick and this friend did the same thing. I was very upset with her, but realized that it wasn't because she didn't care about me, but had so many of her own issues that she couldn't deal with something so huge. I still consider her a good friend, but I've come to learn that she has her limits and then in tough times I should rely on the friends that will be at the scene. I also realized that when this stuff happens, you become hyper-sensitive about your friends and loved ones, and kind of put them through a "test" (i.e. now I'll find out who my true friends are).

 

What I'm trying to say is that this guy's response doesn't mean he is a total jerk (though he may well be). He might turn out to be the best boyfriend, but what you've learned is that when the going gets tough, he's not very supportive. If he's not being supportive now in the "courting" stage, when things get more serious and people get lazy/take each other for granted, this spells trouble.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the illness in your family. What I would say is that you work on healing from these things through the friends who do care and dump this guy or just date him non-seriously.

[Shesa]

I'm sorry to here about your situation. I recently lost my father due to cancer. During that time, I had recently started dating my current boyfriend and I was disappointed in the way that he acted towards me during that time. However, I was hoping to have a relationship with him that could continue into the future... So, why does it matter how this man reacts to your situation as long as he is not totally mean/cruel/inhuman (since you don't take him seriously). He may simply not know how to react to your situation or not know where he stands.