Smoking

[horty232]

My girlfriend basically forced me to quit smoking about a month ago...saying that she made a promise to her step-dad that she would not date a smoker and if i did not quit she would break up with me. We have been going out for about a year or so... isnt that wrong of her to do? And ive had a couple of cigarettes since she said that and now ive "betrayed" her trust because i told her i would quit...which i did and i only had a couple since that. Someone tell me if this is first off...right for her to do to me... i mean i could see asking me not to smoke around her and not to smell like * * * * around her...but forcing me to quit or else she'll break up with me? iAnd how did i betray her trust because i had a couple cigs.... i used to smoke aorund a pack a day so if i had two cigarettes since doesnt that mean that i did quit? i dont know just confused and kinda pissed that im getting accused of betraying her trust

[tylercdurden2004]

Well you did betray her trust. Dont make promises you cant keep, or if you do live with the consequences. If you love her talk to her and tell her its difficult but make the change if you value the relationship. Quite frankly her step-dad has nothing to do with this and she shouldnt have framed it as something she is doing for her step-dad. She should be strong enough to say "It hurts me to see you smoke and to see you do this to yourself."

[PocoDiablo]

So let me get this right ...

 

You're dating someone who does not like smokers

 

You agreed to stop smoking

 

You lied and kept smoking

 

She got mad and now you think she's in the wrong?

 

Me? I would have dumped HER. If she has to change your behaviors, and you're letting her, you're going to lose out in the long run. Personally, I'd tell her "Hey, you know what, we've been together for a year. You know I am a smoker. That's it. Take it or leave it. But to tell me NOW that you want me to smoke is crazy, it's like you had some master plan to change me. What next, you want me to stop talking to all my friends?"

 

Letting her change you like that is a slippery slope.

 

For reference, I told my fiance that she'd have to stop smoking before I would marry her. She did, and has been 100% smoke free for over three months now. However, it was HER choice to stop or not, but she knew I would not marry her if she was smoking.

[agent1607307371]

Why did she make the promise? (which sounds like an odd one to make, even though I personally wouldn't date a smoker.)

 

Smoking is a hard addiction to break. You've done your best and had a set back. Are you still working on quitting or just given up.

 

And to be fair, she didn't force you to do anything, she gave you a choice between her and cigarettes and you chose her.

[Sylph]

Smoking is a disgusting habit, it damages you and everyone around you, but I still have to agree with you. You can hardly be blaimed for having a few smokes when you're dealing with nicotine addiction. A chemical addiction that you can't compare to unless you've gone through it or come off something even more addicting.

 

I still advise that you continue your efforts to quit though. Smoking is not nice, really.

[orgasmictofu]

Personally, I wouldn't ask someone to stop doing something for me. I HATE ultimatums. With every ounce of my being. I won't give them, and I will not tolerate getting them.

 

That being said, I smoke. If someone doesn't want to date me because of my smoke, boo frickity hoo for them. I'd be better off.

 

In your situation, your girlfriend asked, and you obliged. I think she should be understanding if you had a few since then, it's NEARLY impossible to give it up completely (it has been done, but it's rare). But if she has a 100% no smoking policy, and you're smoking, that's not fair to either of you. Betraying trust? I don't think so. But giving ultimatums and sneaking around behind backs is definitely not condusive to a healthy relationship.

[horty232]

im still working on quitting and thats what bothers me the most... i slipped a couple times and now suddenly i betrayed her? i gave up something that really i did not want to at the time (now i realize that im way better off without smoking) but i still do get those cravings and i do cave every once and a while.... i agree i shouldnt be going behind her back and smoking and i should be straight up with her when i have a cigarette... i dont know what im suppose to do now though... like i dont feel like i betrayed her and she does...?

[Blue Skittles]

I don't think its necessarily WRONG what she did (forcing you to quit smoking), she just simply does not want to date a smoker. But I think she could be a little more understanding about you slipping up a couple times, after all, smoking is a VERY hard habit to quit, so I would just tell her it took a lot for you to quit and just cuz u slipped up you are still working on it and your relationship with her is important.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

i don't know-- i can kind of see both sides in your situation, its all about what you (both) do and don't feel strongly about.

 

I personally like smoking i used to smoke (quit years ago) but i like the smell, and it doesn't bother me too much to be around it. but on the other hand i can see, if i was dating a guy who smoked A LOT, and he was coughing, and couldn't keep up with me physically that could be a problem. on her side, she might just be worried about your health. it seems like people should just live and let live, but there's some habits that i guess are harder for some people to live with. i don't know if there IS a wrong or right answer here. i'd almost compare it to someone trying to get their SO to lose weight for their health.

[Momene]

Tough one as I can see both sides. Many relationships are conditional on people giving up friends. hobbies, tobacco, alcohol, etc. For me, smoking isn't a big deal but I would see any addiction to alcohol or illegal drugs as a red flag. Technically you did break a promise but the original ultimatimum can also be seen as unreasonale, too.

[Spugly Fuglet]

I stopped Smoking some 10 years ago, when some one told me Smoking messes with you Lungs, hart and this is the one that got me YOUR SPERM!

 

Once I know that out went the Smokes, now a can not stand the smell.