Crippled Emotionally

[StrangeGuy]

I'm glad I finally found this site, because atleast now I feel like I'm not alone. I've been struggling for years now to get over my problem. I'm in my third year of college and I'm still a virgin. I've never been on a date, or kissed a girl. The problem isn't that I can't attract women, but rather the problem is me. I've been told that I'm a handsome guy, and girls flirt with me a lot. However, the thought of even being with a girl makes me physically ill. I guess it stems from my childhood. I grew up in a religious community and my parents always told me not to get involved with any women before marriage. And, to keep me from it my mom would check up on me in school and also go through my things. If I had a female friend she would forbid me from meeting with them in private or outside of school. Girls in high school who liked me, wondered why I acted so weird. They thought I was shy, and tried to get me to open up. The truth was that I communicate perfectly fine with girls who I'm not interested in. However, if I like a girl, I cannot stand talking to her or being near her. I get a sick feeling in the bottom of my stomache, and I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. I think this has to do with the psycological problems I have from my upbringing. Even though I'm hundreds of miles away from my parents now that I'm in college, I still cannot be near a girl that I like. I feel like my parents crippled me emotionally, and I wish I could be normal like the other people I see around me.

[kadvati79]

Let me tell you this. You are not strange! I used to always get like this around girls/guys that I liked. I didn't have sex/kiss until I was 19, which compared to many of my friends was late. But after that, whew, I made up for lost time!

 

Obviously your parents have affected you, but it is actually NATURAL to be more shy and freak out a little around people that you like and find attractive. Once you face the fear (well in my case anyway), it disappeared and was replaced by ANOTHER problem that I began to have TOO much sex!

 

Going to the college counselling service would probably really help.

[Dako]

Welcome to the forum.

 

I'm very sorry you inherited this problem.

You seem to be well aware of the damage your parents have done to you, so you must be motivated to find a solution. Since this conditioning took so long to get you so impaired, you might need to seek a therapist to work with. I'm not always keen on therapy, but to feel ill about being with a woman, your pain must extend into many areas of your daily life.

You may need help with more than just your fear of intimacy.

 

Does your college have a source of counseling that could refer you to a therapist? There's no need to be embarrassed to seek help. You must have a difficult time as a young man with this burden.

 

I really hope you can find a way to deal with this. I'm sure the folks here can give you better suggestions, but feel free here. It's a good group.

[StrangeGuy]

The problem is that when I do like a girl, they think I'm a total jerk. An incident comes to mind when once I was in a Chemistry lab, when I went to go speak to the TA. And, the only girl I liked in the lab said hey to me as I was walking by. She also said something else like "hey your tall". Anyways, rather than do the normal thing and talk to her, I just keep on walking and don't even look at her, like she doesn't exist. Needless to say, she hasn't talked or looked at me since. I feel like an idiot. If I don't like a girl I can carry on a pefectly normal conversation and even playfully joke. But when I do like a girl, it's like my brain and my body think on their own and always do the wrong thing. It's almost as if some part of me want to remain alone forever.

[StrangeGuy]

The problem with therapy is that I can't talk about my problems openly. Which is why I posted my thoughts here, where no one will know who I really am. I feel like if I reveal my problems to a therapist, that the therapist will be secretly mocking me. I put on a tough face on the outside and pretend like it doesn't bother me but inside I'm a very lonely person. And yes, you are right that the problem does extend to other areas of my life. I'm afraid to take big risks. My parents always made me feel like the world is out to get me. My mom even calls every week or so to remind me of all the things I shouldn't be doing. She even tells me not to go over to any of my friends house, because she thinks they will kill me or something. It might sound crazy to you guys, but I believed, and still believe a lot of the things they said to me. I'm a shell of a man. I pretend to be a man on the outside, but the truth I feel like I'm still trapped in my teenage years, as far as my maturity and emotions go. When my college friends talk about their girlfriends/boyfriends, and other topics that relate to that such as dating, clubbing, etc. I always stay quiet so they don't try to ask me about my non-existant love life, and the fact that the only place I go besides school and work, is the laundromat. I wish there was some kind of online therapist that I could speak to without revealing my identity.

[Dako]

Strangeguy,

 

I'm just a guy on a forum, but I can't imagine any adult mocking you for what you've been through. If anything, you're to be admired for being able to function as well as you do. I often scoff at the common ways successful people are identified, either power, money or fame can't hold a candle to someone who has been struggling without reward.

 

Please don't assume you're not entitled to a better life, even if it means summoning your courage to talk to a specialist.

 

I've been to psychiatrists at two points in my life, and they were all wonderful people who devote their lives to helping people cope with debilitating problems. My ex wife was in charge of quality assurance for a large mental heath HMO and believe me, these people don't enter these careers to make jokes.

 

PLease take a few steps and at least talk to someone who can help.

[Daddy Bear]

how on earth do your parents expect you to ever get married if they want you to avoid girls? or could it be that wasn't exactly what they meant? maybe you should talk it over with them, if that's an option.

[StrangeGuy]

My mother was very controlling and it affected me. I did go to counselling and they do not mock you... I promise. I still have low self esteem and I work at it every day. Having contolling parents is tough. You second guess everything you do. I learned my mother has a personality disorder called "Narcissism". You will find it interesting to talk to a professional. You will find it is not you and by learning more about yourself and what your upbringing did to you, will you then begin to heal. Talk with someone, it will help you so much. While I can't change my mother, I did learn how to set up boundaries for myself. You learn how to re-program your way of thinking. It's a hard step, but I highly recommend it. You'll be glad you did.

 

I will try and contact a therapist outside of my college. I don't want anyone at my college to know that I have problems.

 

 

how on earth do your parents expect you to ever get married if they want you to avoid girls? or could it be that wasn't exactly what they meant? maybe you should talk it over with them, if that's an option.

 

It's mainly my mom. My dad was rarely home when I was growing up, and when he was he would just goes along with whatever she said. She is very domineering. I used to believe everything she told me, because I figured she had my best interests at heart. But lookin back, now I think that she just wanted and still wants to control my life and have me live it the way she wants me to. In high school I wanted to play on the football team, but she kept telling me it was a bad idea because I would get injured and become paralyzed. She also told me that I would never get anywhere with sports, and that I should just focus on my education, until I was convinced she was right. About the only thing I have right now are my hopes for a better future, and she is already trying to plan out what I will do after college.

[Daddy Bear]

ohhh, she sounds like one of those women who can't cope with the idea of sharing their sons with another female.

 

sorry, mom. it's going to happen.

[Lily04]

Hey...

 

I can relate with your upbringing a bit. I don't know why, I guess my parents were just very overprotective (we're not religious) but my Dad always joked about ANY guy that came over, and really discouraged social interaction with guys, parties, that sort of thing. It made me feel really self-conscious, and I was already very shy so that didn't help things. My Dad has a lot of psychological issues though... although he's never gotten help for them & my parents' marriage is in shambles. My dad is abusive (verbally) but has uncontrollable yelling rampages where he basically goes crazy, sometimes for no reason. I'm not sure if it's bipolar or something... I think it's the result of a dysfunctional family & just.. poor life choices among other things. But in any case, I felt isolated from friends & my family, and was also awkward around guys. I am good-looking, and was then but didn't really know it... guys would 'flirt' with me & I didn't know what that was, so I thought they were making fun of me, or deceiving me somehow, and just retreated...

 

However, I have learned to let go of my shyness & am not shy anymore..I act normal around guys, did a total 180 degree turn basically. I didn't go to counselling at all... it was a personal decision I made to change in my senior year of high school, and in university I really did become more comfortable with myself... for me, it was a matter of confidence and independence. My parents always tried to control me, but I am a very independent-minded person at heart so I resisted... living on my own helped immensely. Even though I only live an hr. away from campus and could commute and save... a lot of money, I took out a student loan and lived in residence this year. It was something I felt I had to do, and am glad I did it. Next year I might live at home to save money, but it will be by choice... I'm still debating.

 

I made another post on how I increased my confidence and will bump that later... but it has to be a decision YOU make, and control. You have to release your insecurities & just learn to accept yourself... and that will come with time.

 

Don't worry about being a virgin.. I am 21 & still a virgin as well, although it is by choice. I could easily go out and have sex after meeting a random stranger at a bar or somewhere, but I wouldn't feel satisfied and would feel guilty after. I'm sure you could too, if you so wanted. But don't just lose it for the sake of losing it... unless you really want to do that... but I think what's more important is really learning about yourself, meeting people, and developing a satisfying relationship with someone who you really like.. and can trust.

 

Hope that helped...

 

Lily

[Lily04]

I just wanted to say that this is a wonderful story... and congrats. I used to be like this too, except with the shaking... but I would freeze and IGNORE guys as well. I didn't really think much of it, that it was a problem, and I think it also stemmed from the fact that I didn't trust guys... I thought they were mocking me when they were trying to flirt. The prob. was that I had very low self-esteem... I was overweight in elementary school & teased horribly for it & other things. I'd have boys say horrible things to hurt me... then as I got older I lost weight and actually started become attractive I guess.. but didn't know it. I still thought of myself as ugly, and had very low self-esteem. So whenever guys started talking with me after... I just didn't understand that they could be attracted to me I guess. For me, however, I wasn't shy because I thought I'd say something stupid or not make sense, but because I thought I'd get hurt...

[forever_one]

i think a boost shall help. this is your goal: go up to ANY girl stranger.. cute pretty girl anyone.. and get to know them.. know their name and just TALK. Communication is the KEY KEY KEY! gosh mann this is your first step.. after you finally get to communicate with a girl girl then you might actually have the confidence to go out there and approach the woman of yur dreams. =)