My biggest fear, something I wrote. maybe you'll like it

[fenstrt]

I was doing a lot of thinking the other day, and I decided to write it all down. I just thought that maybe all of you would have some responses to what I feel my biggest fear is. I edited out names, because I don't want to invade other people's privacy.

 

I've always thought I had no major fears. Nothing has ever crossed my mind, made me feel empty, alone, and small. Heights have never made me dizzy, and water never made me shudder. At 19 years old, I've even come to terms with mortality. Someday, people who mean a lot to me are going to die. Someday, I will die. I've accepted this. My biggest fear isn't death, yet in a lot of ways, it could be. After a long period of introspection, after looking deep into myself, after looking into the period that my life has just traversed, I've decided that my biggest fear is the future.

I had finally come to a point in my life where I was comfortable. I had a full family, I was in school, and I was deeply in love. All these things were a part of who I was, and I regret to say I took them all for granted. It wasn't until two of them were removed, that I finally realized how much they all meant to me.

I had always felt that my life was centered on my family. My parents would always be there, regardless of the reasons, and be an important part of my future. In a way, that's still true. Unfortunately, not all things are meant to perpetually exist.

My father grew unhappy, and decided to move on. I don't fault him for this, although I believe there were some things that he could have done, so things that he may have overlooked, and some things that he needed to take care of. So my father left, in turn upsetting my mother. Who reached out frantically. In a way, she left too.

I often worry about my sister. I feel that she has attachment issues. I believe she needs to learn that she doesn't need someone else's approval. To succeed in life, she will need to learn to be happy, and to love herself. Until then, I can only support her.

A very important part of my life was *********. She truly was my best friend. She was my pillar, the one who held me up when the weight was too much. Not only was she my best friend, she was my deepest love. I made mistakes with her, and I didn't do everything perfect, but I was the best I could be. I gave her all of me, every bit of my love.

I personally feel like she shares my fear. The fear that the future is nothing but an empty hole. A place where, like my parents and so many others, the love that they had disappears. I fear that love withers, because I haven't really seen anything else.

I feel that she needs to find herself, to face her fears, and fight them. Right now, I'm very much under the impression that she doesn't want to see them, maybe she has, and maybe she's doing what she has to do, but I can't help her. As much as I want to, I have my own fears and problems to face.

I can't fault her for leaving me. The truth is, there was little love for us near the end. The romance, the tenderness, and the freshness had worn thin. As much as I want to revive it, I don't believe I could have. After my parent's split, the love inside me faded in a way. The hope that I had that love is forever dissipated. I'm not a victim, and I'm not at fault either, but in a way, I feel that the love we had began to fade when the love I had inside me to give to her faded.

The biggest fear I have in moving forward. I intend to face this fear. I intend to go into my future, unsure of what it holds. Unsure if it will be full of love, or cold and empty. I will be there. Anything less that moving forward, would be too close to death.

[calibabe007]

I know exactly how you feel. That was really good, and i could relate, but you know, life has tis ups and downs. But when you really find God you come ot realize that in your bad times God bring you up and in your good times he is here holding you up. Dont let life be based on circunstances, or else you will always end up in failurer.

Good luck

Lea

email removed

[neva_black_n_white]

i know that was posted a while back but whilst browsing i came accross your post and thought you wouldnt mind if i answered it now (despite that i dont think you intended on getting an answer just to let out how you feel, then again i may be wrong).

i found that i could relate to that entirely, i also worry of what is to come, im not scared so that i wouldnt face it i just worry if i take the wrong path, i found your post very emotionally touching and warming to hear as you can say you are ready to face all and head into the future, (its not as if we can hold back but that would be a new post for me to start). lol.

great stuff anyway and im glad you shared it with us it was lightening of all things and something to learn from thanks.

kel

[fenstrt]

too bad she didn't like it... she just read it and went, oh, ok