Wish me luck!

[Big Bean]

Hi all, I'm brand new here so be gentle with me!

 

I have done a fair bit of reading of other topics here and I must say it's lovely to see so many people trying to help each other and support each other!

 

So what's my story?.....well...long post coming up...

 

I'm 41 and live in the UK. My ex is 29 this year, (yes an age gap relationship, something I know she found hard at times). We were together six years and had talked about buying a place together and having kids etc. Neither of us is into the idea of marriage, it's a great thing but just not for us.

 

The thing is about two years ago she sat me down and, well what she meant to say was "I love you and I want to stay with you, but there's these issues which I think we have to deal with before I can say that for sure". However, what came accross to me was, "I don't know if I'm going to stay with you I might be leaving you soon". It was a mixture of her not explaining it right and me just not understanding.

 

Anyway, this got worse and worse (with great lovely times in between), until it became a pressure thing from me to her forcing her to make a decision about whether she was staying or going! After all I thought, if I'm going to have kids with someone I need to to know they are going to stick around! She thought I didn't want kids at all and I thought she didn't want them with me, when actually we both wanted the same thing!

 

So about two and a half months ago she finally had enough and told me that she was leaving me. I was just gutted. She moved out a couple of weeks later and got a place of her own. we kept in touch (I didn't call her I just let her call me, which she did), and I saw her a few times.

 

Now comes the hardest bit. I knew that there was this guy that liked her at work. He has liked her for a long time and we used to talk about him sometimes as I knew him too. She used to say what a nightmare he was to women and how he thought of no-one but himself and thought he was God's gift to women, you know the type I'm sure. I mean i really don't have to exagerate here I can just tell you the truth, he always has at least two or three women on the go at any one time, he lies to them all and managed to get one of them pregnant before walking away. Lovely fella, huh?

 

I think you can guess what's coming next? That's right, she started seeing this guy! I mean not really "seeing" him, but seeing rather more of him than I'd like if you get the idea!

 

True to form, once his "mission" was accomplished she hasn't heard from him since and was really hurt by it. It seems she did have some feelings for the guy. I know that it wouldn't have worked out anyway and that it was a totally typical rebound relationship thing...he was the total opposite of me and the whole thing just happened way way to fast to make any sense! But still she got hurt.

 

So anyway, we have been seeing each other more and more and getting on very well. I have told her that I would like us to get back together again in the future if she wants to. I have said that I understand why she left and support her decision. I have said that I will NEVER pressure her in any way on this and that I am NOT asking her to make a decision. The ball is totally in her court. I have made sure that I am always looking, smelling and feeling good when she sees me. I am making myself more attractive to her, instead of begging her or pressuring her! All the folks here are right, that never works, only drives them further away!

 

A week and a half ago we went out for the day and had a wonderful time. We talked a lot about us as well as other things and she seemed quite receptive to the idea of keeping an open mind about the possibility of getting back together again in the future. Later when I dropped her off at her place, I suggested we have a break in contact for a month. She seemd a bit upset by the thought of this I think and wanted to find out why I wanted to do it. I said that as I had said so much to her i thought she should have some time and space in which to think about it, and also that I needed some time for me. She said things like "well I guess it will go quick" and "we don't have to stick to exactly a month do we"? Her manner toward me seemed to change. She hugged me goodbye and even kissed me on the lips when we said goodbye. She seemed sad.

 

So it's now been a week and a half and it's driving me mad! I know I won't give in but I am missing her so much. Of course if I cave in now, I will undo all the good work being done! How do I know that any good work is being done? Well, her mother called me at the weekend and said that my ex's car had broken down and I had the number of our mechanic. My ex had refused to call me because of our agreement. Her mother told me that she is missing me and seems stressed, distracted and confused about what to do. Her mother wants us to get back together and does think that there is a chance, but of course it's all down to my ex.

 

My plan? Sit tight until the times is up. Wait for her to call me - she will if she wants me - and then pick it up from there. I'll be her friend again and show her the changes in me. I hope that she will have a change of heart and decide to start again with me. It seems that the grass is NOT always greener on the other side of the fence after all!

 

Wish me luck folks! I could use some!!

 

Big Bean x

[AzureSkyes69]

I hope things turn out well for you.I would not chase her either,it is best to wait it out.Some people realize after a seperation just how much they miss the person.You know that old expression you don't know what you have until its gone.Hopefully things will turn in your favor.

 

Good Luck!!!!

[Invicta]

I agree with Kleo, you need to wait this one out. Your ex was freaked out by the huge commitment of having children and ran off for a wild fling. I personally think you were way too acomodating to the situation. She'll never make up her mind about you if she thinks you will always be there no matter what she does. Don't give her a free ticket. Relationships go both ways.

 

At least you sort of redeemed yourself with this month long separation. Don't you dare break the agreement... right now she's remembering all the reasons she once wanted to make babies with you.

Best of luck to you.

[Big Bean]

Thanks Kleo and Invicta!

 

You are right of course, I was way to accomodating....it was only when I pulled away that she seemed to change her way with me. I'm not sure she was freaked out by the thought of having kids, she really wants them, it's more that she thought I didn't or at least would "never get round to it", whereas I did want to but thought she might disappear any minute so didn't allow the relationship to grow and move forward as she wanted. Mad isn't it, how confused we can get in relationships! In fact we both wanted the same thing!

[tylercdurden2004]

Doesnt sound like an honest girl does she. I mean in one stroke she says hes a "pig" next thing shes dating the guy. Is this who you want raising your children?

[chai714]

Big Bean,

 

You went and told her what you wanted - back in a relationship. Then, you pulled a U-turn and said, "lets take a month off." This girl is no doubt confused.

 

1) Don't tell her what you want. Tell her what she wants. You are going to need to make her want to come back - not because it's what you want, but because it's what she wants. Appear as if your life will be fine with or without her and that she's an accessory but there are also other accessories out there. Again, don't say it but live it and indicate to her somehow that you mean it.

 

2) Don't give in after a week, but don't wait a month either. This "month" rule is too risky of a move. This much time away from you is a good way to help her learn to NOT miss you. Remember, we go for those who provide emotional fulfillment and you can not do this being away for 1 month. Why is it that you think so many "wives of soldiers" seek "fulfillment" from other men?

[Big Bean]

Ok, hold on a minute fellas!

 

Tyler, yes she who I want raising my children. Are you perfect? Nor am I. She had a typical rebound fling. Someone who is nothing like her ex with a hint of danger. Quite normal.

 

Chai - I didn't say, lets take a month off, I said I would give her some space and time to think about what I had said. Seems good sense to me. your points:

 

1. I agree totally that she has to want to come back herself, however i don't think me making her feel she is an "accessory" is the right way to do it.

 

2. I have read many posts here which advocate total no contact for as long as it takes! Even if that is months/years. Most people seem to say that it takes time for people to miss the one who goes away, I figure a month is a resonably short time really. If it takes her a month to get over me then there isn't much there to begin with is there! I said she could call me if she needed me, it's not like I banned her from contacting me, just suggested we ought to take a break.

 

It seems to be having the right effect so far.

 

Don't get me wrong guys I respect your views, but it's easy to give such advice when you don't actually know the people involved!

[tylercdurden2004]

No I am definitely not perfect. However I personally would have aproblem with her saying one thing and doing quite another. Her actions are not congruant with what she says. And yes this is an advice forum or more precisely an opinion forum so accept what people say and take it with a grain of salt dont claim people dont understand your situation when you dont hear what you want.

[kristo]

Hey Big Bean,

 

I think you did the right thing. You have forgiven her for 'seeing' that other guy, you said you loved her and wanted to be with her, but you still had to set some boundaries, i.e. NC for a whole month.

 

The fact that she is going crazy is what you want. It allows her to realise what she is missing. Remember that she is the one that left you. On the same token, you need to assess whether you can truly give her what she wants and can fix the things within you that contributed to the break up.

Originally posted by Chai

Remember, we go for those who provide emotional fulfilment and you can not do this being away for 1 month. Why is it that you think so many "wives of soldiers" seek "fulfilment" from other men?

Whilst I do agree somewhat with this statement, a month is really not that long. I could understand that if he was going on a "tour of duty" for a year, but I would doubt the feelings of someone who could readily jump ship for another within such a short time.

K

[chai714]

Big,

 

As usual, we're working with limited information. You will usually be the best judge because you know the details of your situation.

 

*Generally speaking, NC should not be used as a tactic to get your former partner to miss you. NC is not a tactic used on your target, it's more for yourself. It helps you stay on top of your game, or get your emotions under control so you can make rational decisions rather than emotional ones.

 

Good luck.

[NubianLove]

A month being too long? hehe if my ex wants to jump ship with his love after a month then thats on him.

[Big Bean]

Thanks Kristo, I think I did the right thing too, although it's hard convincing myself of that sometimes. Of course I worry that she will forget about me while she is away, but really - if she loves me, she isn't going to lose that in four weeks is she!! If she does move away from me in that time then I'll know she doesn't love me, won't I?

 

You are right, I have forgiven her, we all do mad things sometimes, I've done things which have hurt her in the past, haven't we all hurt those we love at some point? At the end of the day I love her enough to look at the bigger picture and move on from whatever she may have done. Yes, I have told her that I still love her and want us to get back together, I also told her mother that and she approves. But I have left the whole thing in her hands, without any pressure and I just figured that a few weeks on her own to think about everything, me, her, her life, our life together, her future, while I did the same to make sure that I'm ok and that I'm sure of what I want and have worked on the issues I have, which helped cause the break up in the first place, would be a sensible idea!

 

Nubian - Exactly! If she wants someone else after four weeks and feels that she is truly over me in that short time then on her head be it. I know they are not seeing each other any more and in truth they only saw each other a couple of times, it really was just a wild fling.

 

I think that if she starts a relationship with anyone new at this point it would be a rebound thing. We only split up two and a half months ago and I know she hasn't really dealt with it yet so it's not a case of her being over it now and moving on.

 

Big Bean x