divored with a child - help me slow this down!!

[wee]

hey-

i need help. last week an amazing guy came into my life. he's very sweet & unlike any guy i've ever met (sounds familiar, huh?)

so, i've met his kid--who is a love. but would like to get to know them both at a slow pace, considering the circumstances. i don't want to be "just another woman" since he is new to the dating scene once again.

things i'm worried about:

he move in to kiss me on our first date in front of his son. i said no, but did kiss him back on the second. is he one of those guys who is sincere about the things he says or is he just a big flirt? how do i know?

i don't want to get too close out of fear of getting hurt. i am worried i might say -or worse- do the wrong thing early on.. speeding up the relationship.

should he be dating right now? although we have a lot in common -- i have never dated anyone with kids before and none of my friends have kids yet either (i'm in my mid 20's).

he calls everyday or comes by my office. so i need to be on my toes. help?

[wee]

also, he's been a total gentleman--above & beyone, except when it comes to kissing & touching. do you think he'd just interested in sex? he compliments me all the time, which i find flattering, but don't know how to respond sometimes. i'm not the type to sleep with someone after 3 dates or 30 dates. there has to be something there, right??

well, i there's def. "something" there but i feel vulnerable already because i've been such a flirt back. what if i'm just blinded because he's unusually nice.. what if it's just lust?

[btbt]

You're smart to realize that dating a man with kids has different complications. If you are just getting to know each other, he should NOT be expressing physical affection with you in front of his son. This may be his natural response as a man, but as a father he needs to be responsible in front of his son. This is not about showing sexual attraction, but about not confusing the son who must deal with his parents separation. And why is his son around on his first date?

 

You don't say how long he has been divorced and how old his son is. Whatever the case, I think that it is best for everyone involved if you and the fellow get to know each other first and get the kid involved when you are on sure footing. If it turns out to be just lust, best to figure that out between adults without getting the feelings of a child involved.

[itsallgrand]

My opinion: Run!

 

It doesn't bode well of him to be with you in front of his son. His son shouldn't even know you exist (nothing against you, it's about putting his kid first).

Kissing you in front of his son. Whoa.

 

I don't know the entire deal, but this smacks of a man who is not putting his child first.

I find that unattractive and unfortunate.

[wee]

so do i. it was really strange.. the kid was off playing, but still--nothing felt right about it. would it be out of place to explain why i'm so hesitant?

[Bethany]

Forgive him for not knowing what to do, he's new to all this like you said. I don't think he realises that you and his child could develop a bond as if things don't work out between you it would be hard for you and his child to part if things didn't work out.

Tell him you BOTH need to be sure that there is a future for you before getting to know his child and you certainly don't want his child to be hurt in any way. I think he will understand where your coming from. Good Luck.

[btbt]

Yes, this fellow might be confused how to act after a divorce, but I find it really strange that father wouldn't have the sense to protect his son's feelings. It shows that he is insensitive to son -- if that's the case, do you think he could be sensitive to you?

[orangecounty]

I completely agree with one of the other posters, that child should not know you exist right now. Not that you've done anything wrong. But I think this man should be keeping his dating life VERY separate from his family life. Not to say you can't build a relationship with the son if things progress in the future and you end up being a permanant fixture in this man's life. But for the sake of his son, who comes first and far most, keep it separate. Take things slooooow. Being the product of a divorce, I speak from experience.

[wee]

thank you for the replies. unfortunately, i've already met his son. the day we met practically. i work in sales -- and they just happen to be in. there's a lot i wish i could change and a lot i wish i knew about his background. i have asked but he's kind of vague (or maybe i just spill too much).

thanks again-- you have given me a lot to chew on.