Successfully Got Your Ex Back ?

[BONO]

I got back with my wife in January after she kicked me out at the end of September. Can I say that getting back together was no effort for me as I just went NC (as much as possible when you have a child) until she asked me back.

 

Can I say though, since coming home I have faced the hardest challange of my life. Believe me, coming home is no walk in the park!!!

 

Look at some of my posts if you want more information.

 

 

 

Well done mate. At least you know whats what huh?!

[onmyownagain]

Hi Scruffism,

In my experience, my wife has become a very loving attentive person, in fact the wife I longed for before we split. If I can just forgive the fact I was kicked out in the first place then I think we will be happy.

[KayBena]

I did, after six months apart. What I found out is that there was a very real reason we were broken up to begin with!

 

After three years together, we broke up. After six months of me trying to get him back, we did get back together and moved in together. It was good for about six months....then the same arguments started up again, only this time they were much more intense because we were living together. After two years of this, I called it quits and it felt soooo good to get him out of my apartment! Now I'm engaged to a great guy and wish I hadn't spent so many years trying to make lemonade out of lemons. I couldn't see it then, but now it's crystal clear: we were all wrong for each other.

[Beyondthesea]

Personally I think it's a waste to strive to get your ex back. The same issues resurface and the relationship deteriorates all over again. I tried dating an ex more than a few times, and I'm not with any of them now.

 

I wouldn't bother anymore. An ex is an ex for a reason.

[BONO]

First off, scruff, great post. Here's my two cents.

 

 

 

I think to get back together with your ex, consider the reasons why you broke up to begin with. Have you come to terms with it? Is it something that will still be a problem if you guys tried again?

.

 

Good luck with everything I look forward to reading more!

 

Thanks. This is the key. People break up for a million reasons. All different. This is why this site is so popular. Its a living drama !!

 

However, if we do get to a point where the ex asks us back, we need to make sure that the reasons why we split in the first case no longer apply.

 

Always look at the actions rather than words to come to that conclusion.

[BONO]

Personally I think it's a waste to strive to get your ex back. The same issues resurface and the relationship deteriorates all over again. I tried dating an ex more than a few times, and I'm not with any of them now.

 

I wouldn't bother anymore. An ex is an ex for a reason.

 

 

I dont think it is a waste of time. That's too generalistic. I will say this though. Time is the key. I think that over time the bad times will fade and the good times become more concentrated.

 

People do get back - fact.- and stay together. Yet I do think that a substantial period of NC saying No to friends and moving on has to happen, to learn and grow for this to be successful.

[BONO]

I did, after six months apart. What I found out is that there was a very real reason we were broken up to begin with!

 

After three years together, we broke up. After six months of me trying to get him back, we did get back together and moved in together. It was good for about six months....then the same arguments started up again, only this time they were much more intense because we were living together. After two years of this, I called it quits and it felt soooo good to get him out of my apartment! Now I'm engaged to a great guy and wish I hadn't spent so many years trying to make lemonade out of lemons. I couldn't see it then, but now it's crystal clear: we were all wrong for each other.

 

 

I refer to 2 posts ago. Good for you mate - you're happy !!

 

 

Scruff

[BONO]

I got back with my wife in January after she kicked me out at the end of September. Can I say that getting back together was no effort for me as I just went NC (as much as possible when you have a child) until she asked me back.

 

Can I say though, since coming home I have faced the hardest challange of my life. Believe me, coming home is no walk in the park!!!

 

Look at some of my posts if you want more information.

 

 

Falling in love is the easy part, *staying* in love is the hard bit. Relationships are all about learning. Getting back is where the real learning starts to begin.

[DRB]

Scruff just pointed this thread out to me and its gold. I love hearing people fire up about something they are so passionate about.

 

The two points of view I feel (and Scruff has noted it before) are that the logical people (people over their grief) and the emotional people (people not so) can't see eye to eye and frankly why should they?. Neither can see right now where the other is coming from, I know sure as hell that I couldn't listen to anyone talking logically to me when I was messed up but now I talk to those who offered advice and can see where they were coming from. I still give them abuse becasue at the time logic wasn't what I needed and frankly if anyone out there can think of the perfect thing to say when your friend has been broken up with let me know (maybe I'll start a new thread).

 

Poco, you champ. Wise advice mate, even though most people won't appreciate it right now it is all very true.

 

On me (cos frankly its all about me ) I haven't talked to my ex in a long time. Like at least a yr and I think we are completely different people now. I think if we were to catch up and see some sort of attraction there I don't think it would be wise to bring up where it went wrong. Afterall it was so long ago and we are different people then what we were. Bringing up the past isn't necessary. Look at what you have now and who you are now and go off that. Everyone deserves a second chance, thats why pencils have erasers. Thats just my perspective though and frankly my perspective is my reality and I don't think that that would work with all ex's looking to get back together, its just the long break we have had it wouldn't be right to dredge it all back up.

 

Just as Poco said, why analyse it to each other, if you need to analyse it do it in your own head or to your friends. Talking about it puts too much pressure on each other. (I'm not too sure about this para, if you wish to argue go ahead) Merely because my ex and I talked about EVERYTHING and in the end what we really needed to talk about never came up much to our demise. Like I said though I'm not hard and fast on this rule yet and frankly do enjoy a good argument.

 

Catch ya

 

DRB

[keefy1972]

POCO YOUR POST WAS AWESOME!!!!

 

Got anymore morsels of knowledge for us scavengers??

[_DeeznutZ]

Paco wrote:

 

"So why should she take you back? There is no compelling reason, I suspect, because she has already known you for 2+ years, and you've never been able to have enough discipline. You've already PROVEN yourself a poor choice as a partner. The problem is that you are now trying to fight for something that you should have been trying to maintain.

 

This is like having a boatyard with customers, and one has a boat with a hole in it. You've told the customer that you'll fix it, and have for two years, but rather than go patch it, you wait until it floods and sinks. Now you are trying to raise it from the bottom of the harbor, and it's a complete wreck - you've destroyed the boat by not acting on the leak. At the same time, you are telling the customer "Trust me, I won't let it happen again." No one would be so stupid as to believe you.

 

Unfortunately, that is the position you are probably in now. You sank your own boat, though, and she has seen that you're acting like an idiot making excuses for 2+ years and nothing happened."

 

I was in a relationship for 5 years, she loved me and wanted to marry me and so did I. I was a bum, maybe I was depressed and I smoked too much weed. She bought a house for us and tried to get me to wake up early and basically make my life better. I resisted and basically ignored her and her needs and desires for a while maybe a year, though it wasn't all bad, alot of it was (though there wasn't a falling out or fighting period it died with a whimper). She eventually dumped me and now I have changed everything about my life, I don't drink, smoke, and I am generally productive with a plan in life. I know this is what she wanted all along and now I am what she wanted, but she doesn't seem like she wants to get back together now. I know she feels let down and is very sad over the whole situation. I feel like NC is a bad idea because I started the relationship leaving a great impression for many years and ended leaving a bad one that led to me being dumped. I want to contact her to show her how I have changed. Should I send her gifts and apologies and try to win back her love and trust in me that I destroyed with apathy? Or do I give up? Can it be fixed or is it beyond repair? I don't think giving up on her is an option -- she is who I want to be with more than anything. Anything anyone might suggest?

[mikeca]

well I'll open my opinion with a quote "absense makes the heart grow fonder"

 

now that being said this could mean alot of things...first off they would have to have you in their heart. Thus still have feelings for you. I've been doing alot of reading on relationships, especially getting your ex-back. Time after time it seems jealousy ( i.e seeing you happy with someone else) pops up again and again. I wonder what clicks in an ex's brain..they see your smile...and all of a sudden millions of memories flood back? I try to put myself in my ex's shoes. She for a time said she loves me..even when I said I couldnt just be friends she's said it, not to mention the emails about "me meaning so much to her" I've been in NC for about 2 weeks..its hard. not so much emotionally but in a small town people tend to see each other. She has kept really busy. One of our quarrels was that everytime something ends with something she has to take on 10-20 other new projects..it makes me wonder is she doing it now because shes trying to forget me and keep busy. I feel now that from what I know of her, she will busy herself to a point where I'll just be a faded memory. Thus bringing me back to NC and the absense quote. I know theres nothing I can say to bring her back. She has to one day sit down and realize..wow..he treated me better than everyone...what am I doing? all be it...theres always hope and thats what my heart clings too..that I WAS that good to her and she just needed to realize what she had, especially after it was gone...which brings me to my sign quote...

[BONO]

Hope this helps a bit ......... Scruff

 

This is a post I read a few days ago from 2002. The chap who posted it is called GreyedScotsman ( so a massive thanks to him )

 

See what you think it should help us keep our emotions in check because I believe no matter what stage you are at with a person this stays true.

 

 

Scruff

 

 

 

 

 

 

Absense & Desire

 

Too much circulation makes the price go down: The more you are seen and heard from, the more common you appear. If you are already established in a group, temporary withdrawal from it will make you talked about, even admired. You must learn when to leave. Create value through scarcity.---Robert Greene[/i]

 

 

 

[/b]Everything in the world depends on absense and presense. A strong presense will draw power and attention to you-you shine more brightly than those around you. Bot a point is inevitably reached where too much presense creates the opposite effect: The more you are seen and heard from, the more your value degrades. You become a habit. No matter how hard you try to be different,** subtly, without knowing why, people respect you less and less. A the right moment you must learn to withdraw yourself before they unconsciously push you away. It is a game of hide-and-seek.

 

 

 

 

**The truth of this law can most easily be appreciated in matters of love and seduction. In the beginning stages of an affair, the lover's absense stimulates your imagination, forming a sort of aura around him or her. But this aura fades when you know too much--when your imagination no longer has room to roam-(as I mentioned before re; keeping the mystery alive and well). Soon, the loved one becomes an ordinary person like anyone else, a person whose presense is taken for granted. "Love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion"-Seventeenth century French courtesan, Ninon de Lenclos.

 

 

 

The moment you allow yourself to be treated like anyone else, it is too late--you are swallowed and digested. To prevent this you need to starve the other person of your presense. Force their respect by threatening them with the possibilty that they will lose you for good; create a pattern of presense and absense.

 

 

 

By withdrawing something from the market, you create instant value. In seventeenth-century Holland, the upper classes wanted to make the tulip more than just a beautiful flower--they wanted it to be a kind of status symbol. Making the flower scarce, indeed almost impossible to obtain, they sparked what was later called tulipmania. A single flower was now worth MORE than its weight in gold.

 

 

 

The Sun. It can only be appreciated by its absense. The longer the days of rain, the more the sun is craved. But too many hot days and the sun overwhelms. *Learn to keep yourself obscure and make people demand your return.

 

 

 

***REMEMBER THIS***

 

 

 

This rule only applies once a certain level of appreciaiton has been attained. The need to withdraw only comes AFTER you have established your presense; leave TOO early and you do not increase your respect, you are simply forgotten.

 

In love and seduction, similarly, absense is only effective once you have surrounded the other with your image, been seen by him or her everywhere. Everything must remind your lover of your presense, so that when you do choose to be away for awhile, the lover will be thinking of you, always be seeing you in his or her minds eye.

 

 

 

*****REMEMBER: In the beginning, make yourself not scarce but omnipresent. Only what is seen, appreciated, and loved will be missed in its absense.

 

Godspeed/Keep Cool!

 

 

 

__________________

"What do you get when you fall in love ? "

 

Grief !!

__________________

When I hear someone sigh, life is hard, I am always tempted to say, compared to what !!!! ???

[lawandorder]

reading down all this and this one just caught my eye. there is a way of getting your ex back. well, depends on if you did something wrong and just how wrong. But about 90% of the time you can get the ex back. In the mean time you can advace yourself like never before. But to do it you cant use mind games and tricks. it will just blow up again if it did work. but comeone. There is a way and it may not happen overnite. but it will happen. i posted long time ago on this and got my private message box filled up. and then responding to as many as i could and staying in contact i think 8 out of 10 did get back with the ex. anyway. enough.

 

my point was you can do this and it does work. and from the first post at the top. I agree.

[DreamLilies]

Hey Law,

 

How about posting your formula? I'm sure that a lot of folks would love to give it a try. Or will we have to wait for the book?

 

Best,

Dreamlilies

[Hockey99]

Yes, I'm sure many are very intrigued by the 80-90% chance of getting an ex

back lawandorder - myself included of course!

[BONO]

Yes, I'm sure many are very intrigued by the 80-90% chance of getting an ex

back lawandorder - myself included of course!

 

 

I think lawandorders basic argument is the more you chase, the more they run because you are confirming the decision to break up.

 

The moment you do the opposite of what Hollywood programmes us to do ( Chase, Beg Plead, Cry, Email, bump into them in the street ) is the moment that perhaps you will move into the 80%-90% of getting them back.

 

Then it gets interesting

 

 

Scruff

[mikeca]

The moment you do the opposite of what Hollywood programmes us to do ( Chase, Beg Plead, Cry, Email, bump into them in the street ) is the moment that perhaps you will move into the 80%-90% of getting them back.

Scruff

 

 

Stupid hollywood...thats exactly what I was thinking after breakup..it worked in the movies so it will work in life right? haha especially when all the girls are like "why cant my bf fight for me like that" some of the stranger ones popped in my head...lets see:

 

1.) surprise her at work with flowers / write song/ sing @ work

 

2.) do that scene from a movie* outside her window with a boombox but instead of peter gabriel playing Shaun Mullins "Rock-a-Bye"

 

3.) cnat think of another one haha

[BONO]

Stupid hollywood...thats exactly what I was thinking after breakup..it worked in the movies so it will work in life right? haha especially when all the girls are like "why cant my bf fight for me like that" some of the stranger ones popped in my head...lets see:

 

1.) surprise her at work with flowers / write song/ sing @ work

 

2.) do that scene from a movie* outside her window with a boombox but instead of peter gabriel playing Shaun Mullins "Rock-a-Bye"

 

3.) cnat think of another one haha

"NO CONTACT" - The Movie!!

There is a school of thought that advocates the best way to get your ex back is to fight for them. I have heard many people say to me "If you love them and want them – fight for them and show them how much you love them"

 

Why do we get this advice and more importantly why do we follow it to our detriment??

 

Answer, because its everywhere we go. Its on the radio, its on TV drama's, best selling novels and in the Movies. Subconsciously we are perhaps educated to follow this paradigm because we know no different.

 

!!!!WARNING!!!

 

This is the media – and this is Hollywood. A multimillion dollar business based fundamentally on scripts written by talented script writers and executed beautifully by global icons. These Movies, books and dramas entertain, sell and make money. However, they should not be treated as a blue print to get back with your ex.

 

Example

 

Would the paying public go out to watch a romantic film with Julia Roberts & Tom Cruise where they split, go into strict NC for a year and get back together when they both learn from the experience miss each other and realise the grass is not greener. No, Why?

 

Because, it's not a good script. In fact it's boring.

 

" NO CONTACT "– The Movie based on a true story where Tom and Julia don't communicate at all thoughout the film. RUBBISH !!!

 

 

To sell and make profit it has to be dramatic. There will have to be an element of begging, pleading, crying, car chases, guns and sex. That's what's great to watch and that's all its good for.

 

Seldom is it reality.

 

 

Scruff

[BONO]

And this one - READ Poco D' s comments !!

 

 

Scruff

[vesper]

Scruff – you’re onto something with all of these posts – my husband ‘j’ is making himself a (challenge) to me.

 

have you been talking to him?!

 

 

 

 

b

[BONO]

I love this bit from PD ! Bless.....

 

 

Scruff

[BONO]

Guys this is excellent, it really is. Why? Because it wil help many get back together.

 

 

Scruff

 

 

Still agree with this

 

 

Scruff

[vesper]

 

 

cheers from austin

[blindreepr]

I dont even know why I am asking this question, as no one can give a truly accurate answer, but I need to get it off my chest anyways.

 

What do you think the chances of getting back together would be in my situation? Here is the very simplified version

 

She broke up with me (basically i think she needed to "sow her oats"), 1 week of me begging, pleading etc. Next 5 weeks LC, with her initiating all contact the last 2 weeks. The last time we hung out things were nice, flirtatious, and it ended with a kiss on the cheek. 2 days after that I decided that I needed NC for a while and sent her a letter stating this, but leaving open the possibilty of being friends later on. So basically, does starting NC with her having positive memories of your time together make getting back together more of a possibilty?

 

My "full" story can be read here: