want him back, working on it, what do I do?

[antkojm1]

Well, tonight I had a great time.

 

The only complication is that he's not sure if he's gay or not. He said he wants to "find out", but he hasn't told me anything more yet.

 

He's nice, intelligent, has good conversation skills, and is incredibly cute. I feel equal to him on so many levels, which is something I never really felt with Paul, at least not to this degree. I just don't know what to think. I feel bad/guilty being interested in someone else so soon, but then again I've always been able to get over/through things pretty quickly. I can really see something serious happening in the future, if thats what he wants.

 

Life is crazy. I live for emotion. Maybe that's bad, but I wouldn't give it up for anything. Work is wonderful, I'm doing really well and its only been 4 days. I'm already pretty familiar with the network and have 7 projects assigned to me. It's so nice to be doing what I really want to be doing again.

[antkojm1]

Today was wonderful. I did really, really well at work, so much so that the VP of our department came over to my desk to thank me for taking care of a few problems so quickly.

 

Tonight was a great time. I had a dinner party at my house, had 12 good friends over. I'm really becoming myself again. Tonight, and today, I actually feel like I don't need a relationship. I want to be with someone, but I've proven to myself that I don't need it to be me.

 

Pictures coming soon...

 

Thank you, everyone.

[antkojm1]

...

 

So, last saturday, the morning after I posted the last message, Paul called. He called to tell me about a bird that was born without eyes, ask how my new job was, and ask me when I would be able to pay my half of the cell phone bill. In that order.

 

The conversation was nice. We joked around, generally enjoyed the conversation. (yes, we like dark humor)

 

I kind of wish he hadn't called. Every time he does I just feel like I've been set back by a few days.

 

Then, yesterday he sent me a text message. "paid cell phone, cost 284" He borrowed money from his parents and paid the entire bill. I wonder why he texted me and didn't call instead... Is he trying not to feel whatever he feels when we talk? Or is he trying to spare me more pain?

 

I saw my psychologist yesterday. I told her that I keep imagining Paul and I going off and dating other people, those relationships not working, and then us getting back together. I also keep imagining Paul's relationship not working, him wanting me back, but me then being in another relationship I am happy in. It kills me to think the opposite could happen.

[kadvati79]

So, last saturday, the morning after I posted the last message, Paul called. He called to tell me about a bird that was born without eyes, ask how my new job was, and ask me when I would be able to pay my half of the cell phone bill. In that order.

 

At the very least he misses talking to you. Remember that people he meets, while new and exciting, dont offer the unconditional love variety that you offer(ed) too him. He could talk about anything and everything with you, who does he have to do that with now?

 

The conversation was nice. We joked around, generally enjoyed the conversation. (yes, we like dark humor)

 

Well thats a positive step in the direction of maintain civil relations. I think alot of people recommend cutting all ties, but I think (particulary as a gay guy), you are going to end up crossing paths alot and it would be best if you can both be on civil terms. Also helps because he will remember the good times.

 

I kind of wish he hadn't called. Every time he does I just feel like I've been set back by a few days.

 

Well this is actually a GOOD thing. The more you feel like this, the less you will want him to actually call. You will start to put barriers in the way of him contacting you, because you don't want to feel this. When this happens you get a change in feeling and behaviour where you dont want to hurt any more. This is when NC starts to really work. Of course, you still love him and wish he would call, but you don't want him too because you don't want the pain.

 

Then, yesterday he sent me a text message. "paid cell phone, cost 284" He borrowed money from his parents and paid the entire bill. I wonder why he texted me and didn't call instead... Is he trying not to feel whatever he feels when we talk? Or is he trying to spare me more pain?

 

Who knows? The only person is him, and even then, I'm not convinced he really knows anything beyond the fact he is happy right now. Thats what he did this for. He didn't do it because it "made sense" he did it (the breakup) because it "felt right" for him. But just because it felt like a good idea, and probably was, doesn't mean it doesnt hurt. As the dumper, he will have to deal with the feeling of regret. Particulary if you grow considerably. When I think of my ex's I dumped - even for the ones that I knew never would have worked - I have an element of 'what if'. Regret, in my opinion, is actually a worse pain than being dumped.

 

When you are dumped, you are forced to deal with it - you have no choice. Its not your fault, they other person forced you into the situation. But the dumper can only really (in the end) blame themselves. At the start, they may blame the sex, the other person, their friends, or imcompatibility. But months and years from now, when things aren't bright, they will have lonely nights when they realise the only person they have to "blame" for the decision is themselves. And this hurts, even when the decision was the right one.

[antkojm1]

So, its been a few days...

 

Paul called me earlier tonight. I didn't answer. I didn't call him back. He didn't leave me a message. 2 hours later I sent him a text message "sorry, was at gym, what's up?" didn't get any responce. Should I call him tomorrow? I don't think so, but what does everyone think?

 

I keep going back and forth between feeling strong and weak. I feel strong because I am doing so well, I love my new job, I love everything I'm doing with my friends, I love how much better I'm looking and feeling. I feel weak because I keep remembering different times in our relationship, different wonderful times, and I feel as if I'll never love someone as much as I love him.

 

I'm half tempted to tell him, the next time I talk to him, that I'm in such good shape, that I'm up to 45 lb free weights (I know that might not seem like much but its the most I've ever done). I want to tell him this because things like that have always attracted him, so I want to make him imagine me being in the best shape I've ever been in.

 

I am so confident. And yet I am so empty.

[antkojm1]

I just don't get it. I'm a really great guy. I'm:

• successful
  
• independent
  
• intelligent
  
• funny
  
• social
  
• spontaneous
  
• attractive
  
• great in bed

Why is it SO DIFFICULT to find someone that actually appreciates any of that! I wish I was straight. I think things would be so much easier.

[kadvati79]

I don't understand it either, in my own situation or yours. I guess there really is no understanding it. And when you are a rational person then you simply have to understand it - particulary when you feel it is the most important thing in your life. Think of how long you were together, and for your age(s), that length of time competes with many straight couples time for that age group. He was with you for so long because you are all the things you listed above.

 

But I guess, when you are young (in body or maturity), change is about the only thing you can understand and rely on. He knew in his heart what he had to do, and he's done it. But maybe he doesn't really entirely even understand why. Thats probably quite a hard place to be in.

 

I too have often thought being straight would be "easier", but it comes with a whole new series of problems. Having dated both the sexes, one positive with guys is that they are easier to understand as a general rule.

 

As you know, I have been feeding information to my ex via stuble means and I actually think this might have made him retreat from me a bit - because he might feel hurt. From some of his comments, I think he feels annoyed that I didn't make these changes while I was with him. Which is a good point really.

 

I really know what you mean about the "confident but empty" comment- thats exactly the way I feel.

[antkojm1]

Well, tonight was, scary.

 

Paul called me at work, said he needed to come by to pick up some things. He told me it would only be an hour or so. So I told him to call my roommate, and he would let him in.

 

I stayed at work while he went to the house, but the hour turned into 3 hours, and I had to go home to change and get to the gym before it closed. So I saw him. He looked ok.

 

As I was running out the door, he stopped me and asked if I still wanted some of his art. I told him I didn't want to talk about it right now and that I was running late.

 

So I left, and on my drive, I was overwhelmed by anger, hatred, mistrust, and grief. I called a friend of mine on the way and screamed my lungs out. It still wasn't gone. I went in to the gym, and took it all out on the weights. My body is still aching from it. I went at least 50lbs beyond what I did yesterday on everything.

 

I don't know what came over me, but it scared me. I've never felt such hatred and anger in my entire life. It controlled and consumed me. I'm terrified I'm going to do something horrible if that happens again, especially now that I'm stronger than I've ever been.

 

What the hell is wrong with me....

[kadvati79]

So I left, and on my drive, I was overwhelmed by anger, hatred, mistrust, and grief. I called a friend of mine on the way and screamed my lungs out. It still wasn't gone. I went in to the gym, and took it all out on the weights. My body is still aching from it. I went at least 50lbs beyond what I did yesterday on everything.

 

I don't know what came over me, but it scared me. I've never felt such hatred and anger in my entire life. It controlled and consumed me. I'm terrified I'm going to do something horrible if that happens again, especially now that I'm stronger than I've ever been.

 

What the hell is wrong with me....

 

I think your mind is trying to process the situation, trying to rationally balance the "equation" in your mind. Often when we are really upset about something, it comes out as anger. I think anger is the emotion that is MOST often the result of misdirected other feelings. The key words here for me are "mistrust and grief". When someone has the ability to consume our very being (ie, when we love them), but that love becomes unrequited - we begin to (at first I think) fear the person, and then later become angry with them.

 

I sometimes imagine meeting my ex in a pub, and I know if I did its possible he would come up and be his usual (drunken) self and say I should buy him a drink "for old times sake". I can just imagine him doing that. In my mind I see myself picking him up and pining him against the wall and saying terrible things to him.

 

Its what we do with our anger that defines our character. For me, I simply recognise the anger for what it is - misdirected love. I love him, and I feel helpless, which makes me blame him for not loving me back... eventually coming out as anger because thats the only way it can.

 

You did great putting the anger to good use at the gym!

 

How have things been going lately?

[phantomwolff85]

Reading your story is very similar to mine, except that I'm more of the Paul, but I was the one that was dumped. It's similar in that the things that you mentioned about yourself are similar to the qualities I liked in my ex. I haven't pushed getting back together with my ex because I want to make sure that I can really do the growth work. I have felt the anger though and the regret and the what if feelings. I still do keep in contact with him, but only through email as he is not ready for phone conversations. I know it would be hard for me to have a phone conversation with him, but I also know I want to still be friends with him even though I'm not srue what that would be like. Anyway reading your post has definitely been carthartic to me and made me think about my behaviors and thoughts as well as my exes. Thanks for posting and good luck.

[antkojm1]

Wow its been a long time... I'm doing alot better than I was.

 

I'm in relationship now... We'll see what happens, but I'm excited about it:

 

 

[antkojm1]

if anyone still reads this thread... just an update...

 

I'm involved again, with my next distra..... er.... boyfriend. no, wait, distracton. I always go back to thinking of him when it ends. only after I feel relieved.

 

Weeeeeee this is fun. I refuse to let anyone in. Why?

[kadvati79]

Hey Ah yes, my american twin. Guess what? I'm in the same place. I don't really have any advice. Um. Actually occasionally I think it would be easier just to be asexual.

[antkojm1]

SSDY: same sh.t different year. *sigh*