Who was I kidding

[Diggitydave]

So after 5 months of limbo i'm back here again, forum shifting like some kind of gelatenous blob. After 5 months of trying to show my ex how much i can change, God finally put me in my place and said to me "who are you trying to fool". I finally realized I need time on my own to heal, work out my issues, and be strong for myself. About two weeks ago my ex called me and said she was freakin out because her life was going in a whole bunch of different directions. We started to talk about us etc. we ended up hanging out, kissing, cuddling etc. We were both confused and neither of us knew what we were doing. We didn't know how to act, what God's will was and what the plan was for any of this. we though "lets take it slow". My insecurities reared their ugly head as much as i tried to hide them and i eventually ended up in the hospital after having an anxiety attack.

 

I have recently started seeing that certain kind of Dr. again and know i need some personal help and healing before anything between me and her or me and anyone could be healthy again.

 

So this morning i had another one of my over emotional insecure freak outs. She wasn't mad though, she just said we're all messed up and that it was ok. I was happy she understood but inside I was fuming at myself and could not believe i am still acting like this. It finally made me realize how much time alone I need. I say to myself "why couldn't you just be normal, things were going ok, you probably would've gotten back together, just be normal, what is wrong with you?!"

 

So i told her, goodbye and i love you, forever, goodbye for a long time. She said she understood. I can't do this to her, or me anymore.

 

It's been literally 1/2 hour since i told her and once again, it's like we just broke up. I have tried NC before, one of us broke it eventually.

 

I must be the stupidest person on earth, but somewhere in all that I know God loves me.

 

David

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

lol, well i'm sure you're not quite a full on "gelatenous blob" yet. it kind of sounds like it would do you quite a bit of good to try and disentangle yourself from this individual as soon as possible. try to center yourself for a while.

[Diggitydave]

ugh someone help me

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

That defeats your ability to center yourself.

[heloladies21]

You're doing the right thing for you right now. Understand that this is the hardest part and it's all uphill from here.

[Diggitydave]

uphill as in it's going to get harder? that sux

[heloladies21]

No man, it gets better. Set up some stuff with your friends for tonight. Start talkin to some other chicks. Keep busy with work/school. You will come out on the other side and win in the end.

[Diggitydave]

i have been in many other relationships before that didn't work out. However, I don't think i was actually "in love" before. i know at 27 it sounds weird but i think it's true, because it never hurt this much. I was with a girl for 4 years and it didn't hurt this much.

[sukerbut]

i feel you bro im in the same postion, but time will heal , stop the interaction and cut her off completely...i should of done that six mon ths ago but i did not...not only did i not heal but i managed to make her hate me lol which is probably what i wanted deep down inside...becuase i hate her also..for hurting me so many times..f her and yours..stay strong

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

you have to first get and stay on your own course, and then think about compromises: *CENTERED*

[Diggitydave]

the feeling of she's the only one and i blew it and "dude you made a mistake, call her back" and "you just blew it, it was going well" will not leave me alone.

[sukerbut]

i know the she was the one feeling, but truth being is if she was the one she would of not left you and i high and dry..so guess what she was the one..the one to break you and make you into a man 100 times better thank you were...the one does not leave you and i high and dry..