Can you be friends with an ex?

[Jhodas]

I've made a post about this in context. Now I'm taking it out of context in an effore to get a wider opinion, and maybe shed some light for a few other guys out there.

 

Your boyfriend is friends with his ex. Nothing going on between them. He adores you.

How does this make you feel?

 

What I really want to know is: WHY?

 

Same quesetion to any guys. Your gf is still friends with her ex. Again, nothing going on, just mates. She adores you.

How does this make you feel and why?

 

If you are friends with an ex, does it have a negative impact on your relationship?

 

To those who have read my other post, I'm thinking long and hard about my own issues. Now I'm asking about other people's experiences/feelings, not for advice.

 

I look forward to your responses.

 

Jho.

[littlefeet]

Hey, I didn't read your other post but I've noticed it takes lots of personal security to deal with either being friends with one's own ex or dating someone who is friends with an ex, mostly if they are close. There was a time in my life when it would have bothered me, but I've found it doesn't anymore. The key thing you mention is the scenario where your significant other adores you. If one has to worry about exes being friends, maybe one also should question the solidity of one's relationship. (I do think, though, that this is something that can be difficult in the early days of developing a relationship, so it should be handled openly--and the exes need to be very sure they plan on staying exes).

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

i disagree that it's an indicator the relationship isn't solid. i know that lots of perfectly secure, healthy, happy men and women would rather not have their so's ex hanging around.

 

i would wonder about people who can't leave the past in the past, though.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I agree that it totally depends. If my husband still talked to one of his exes - it wouldn't phase me. I am secure in his feelings for me and capacity for honesty. If he felt like it was going somewhere, I believe he would tell me.

 

On the other hand, if I were still friends with one of my exes, he would worry because he does not have the same confidence in how I feel about him. He's a bit more insecure.

 

So... I think it totally depends on the individual circumstance.

 

Oh - and not to mention what their (his and the ex's) relationship was. If they dated for only a short tumultuous (sp?) time, maybe they're more compatible as friends.

 

If they were best friends thru childhood, high school sweethearts who lost contact during uni and are now really good friends, I might worry a bit more.

 

I think there are WAY too many variables.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

so, are you saying that all of us who would rather not go into a relationship with the ex hanging around are insecure? If so, I beg to differ.

 

Those of us who are secure are ok with our boundaries, and we don't call others insecure, just to make ourselves feel better.

[bobo85]

You can't be "real friends" but you can be civil towards one another.

 

As for your question, if my gf was in constant contact with her ex, then i would be mad. But if they keep in touch once every few months then i would be okay with that. But spending alone time with the ex is just disrespectful.

 

Right now my ex and i are not friends. We broke up a little more than a month ago (she dumped me). I can be civil towards her. If i see her i'll say hello but i wouldn't spend time with her.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Exactly, bobo. i am civil with exes if I happen to run into one, just say hi, catch up and move on. but it's not like they're hanging around, i think that would be unfair to someone new. and I just wouldn't want them around, really. i did break up with them for a reason, afterall.

[AwdreeHpburn]

iamteddy - good call. That's not what I was saying exactly but i see how you got that. Sorry - I just meant that that really IS my husband's issue.

 

And for me, I feel "secure" in our relationship enuff that something like that is not an issue for ME. Call it security or boundary, whatever...my boundary or insecurity would kick in at the "i wanna be with my ex romantically" point, not the "i'm still friends with my ex" point.

 

So I guess in a way, yes, I am saying I think it is a bit of a security thing. Your boundaries are drawn where you are comfortable and secure. Anything outside of that is in the realm of discomfort and insecurity.

 

I'm not making a jugement about someone's self image or self esteem - I think I'm using the word insecure to mean something other than a flaw or weakness. Just an insecurity or level of discomfort.

 

I certainly didn't mean to offend, and still don't, so if you take issue, let me know.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

no, it's ok... thanks ta ree saw... big of you...

[shes2smart]

Stats on my long-term relationships (long-term meaning 2 years or more)

 

Total # of long-term relationships: 4 (including present relationship)

Total # of exes: 3

Total # of exes I am friends with: 1

 

The one ex I am friends with was a 7 year relationship (dated 2 yrs. in college, lived together for 5 yrs.) where we went to hell and back together. Even with him, there was a good 6mos to a year post-break-up when we didn't speak to each other at all.

 

All my subsequent bf's met my ex-turned-friend. When my husband met my ex, they immediately got along. When we all lived in the same city, my husband and my ex would get together and go out without me.

 

When my ex met the woman he ended up marrying, the 4 of us (me, my husband, my ex & his wife) would all get together socially on a regular basis. We do that less frequently now that we live about 200 miles apart, but we still manage to see them a couple times a year.

[littlefeet]

Hi again. . . it's interesting to see what people think about this. To "I am Teddy". . .sometimes it is an indicator of solidity, sometimes not. I think ta-ree-saw said it better. People have different boundaries, and it doesn't make them stronger/weaker than the next. I do think, though, that people have to be solid in their understanding and acceptance of one another's boundaries. What's acceptable really varies, but like she's too smart, I've had some good experiences with exes (and some I wouldn't want to repeat!). I'd hate to have to stop hanging out with a couple of friends--who I really consider friends now, nothing more, just because we used to go out. Let's face it, sometimes we have exes we remain attracted to (which I agree can make friendship hard), and sometimes we're dating and discover a friendship, really, every time is a little different.

I think that was the point of this poll!

[littlefeet]

I'm not sure if anyone will agree with this, but it just occurred to me--I can be friends when I think "person I enjoy talking to/being around" and don't think "EX". Sometimes it takes time, but eventually it does happen.