1st big fight, not sure if we broke up

[bellamelle]

Hi - I've been in a r'ship with a wonderful man for nearly 3 years now, and just last night I blew up at him about spending time with a (girl) friend of his. He met her last year while training for a triathlon, and they frequently rode bikes together - and this bothered me last year but I never expressed it. Well the triathlon season is up and running again and he told me that he had plans to ride the bike with her but she can't so they are going to grab some lunch instead. This is the point I freaked out.

I told him that she has the hots for him (I think she does) and that by him going on these outtings with just her (training or not, there are plenty of other MEN in the triathlon group too) is considered going on DATES with her. He told me to get over my jealousy and when I asked him to take a look at my side of it, he said "no, it's a problem you have, not me"

 

SO, basically - in what otherwise would have been me spending the night at his place some 30 miles from my own house, i said i'm going home. He said he didn't want to talk and closed the door.

I barely got sleep and i am so shook up at this, because it's really the first time we've ever had a confrontation such as this.

when I try to call him, his cell goes right to voicemail.

 

what to do? any advice? much appreciated.

[RandomAdvisor]

Speaking as a guy who rides a bike and can't get his GF to ride with him despite numerous attempts, I think you are being a bit jealous.

 

He has been nothing but open and honest with you about his meetings with this other woman. He's only seeing her again now that the season is starting up again. Look at it from his perspective. If you were him, and you were having perfectly innocent meetings with a girl to train for a triathlon, and your GF accused you of going out on dates with this other girl - how would you feel? His reaction was a bit cold but he was angry at the time.

 

I'm not saying there is nothing going on between them, I can't know that for sure. But with the information you've given me I can't conclude anything is happening either. Has he done anything else to arouse your suspicion?

[bellamelle]

Listen. I run marathons - I've offered to be his running partner for the training runs. He didn't bite. I would be glad to ride with him if I had a bike, and if I had $$ to spend on a bike like that. He has never ever even asked me if I'd be interested in riding with him.

So, it's not like he's ATTEMPTED to get me to train with him. From the moment he's met this girl its been amy this, amy that, amy is so funny. he calls her on her phone, she calls him. he's driven to the town where she lives nearly an hour away for training rides. How am I supposed to feel!

Yes, there are reasons for my suspicions. The fact that he talks about her a lot is one, secondly - she's pretty, thirdly - I've had bad feelings about other happenings with him. One being him going on little weekend get-aways to "get away" and barely calling me or answering the phone when he's there.

Also, I did see some suspicious type web site in his internet history not too long ago (AdultFriendFinder)

 

so what am I supposed to feel? I had an exboyfriend who cheated, my sisters husband cheated, my other sister had a cheating boyfriend....of course I have my fears!!

 

Sorry, I just don't know what to feel at this point. A part of me feels like I over-reacted, but no matter how much I think about it - I still end up feeling uneasy about him hanging with this woman. I would rather he not.

Actually - I have a guy friend I work with. I like him very much as a friend. He knows I have a boyfriend and has said that if I didn't - he's ask me out in a heartbeat. He's invited me out on several occasions, for lunch, for beers, for a run - whatever. I've declined every time. no - not because I don't want to - but because It would be crossing the line, and oh how guilty i would feel having a one-on-one lunch or run, or whatever with this guy. I just wouldn't do it!!

[RandomAdvisor]

He has never ever even asked me if I'd be interested in riding with him.

 

Maybe he assumes you aren't interested. You'll never know until you ask him. Are you interested in biking with him? If so maybe you can get a bike. I know how expensive those high end road bikes can be, but I would consider it an investment in the relationship. The couple that plays together stays together...

 

 

From the moment he's met this girl its been amy this, amy that, amy is so funny. he calls her on her phone, she calls him. he's driven to the town where she lives nearly an hour away for training rides. How am I supposed to feel!

 

Ok, you're right. I would be jealous and upset if I were you in this situation too. But I didn't have this information when I replied to your first post...

 

Friendships with a member of the opposite sex can be a real grey area. This comes up a lot and it can really only be judged on a case by case basis. Him talking about her, calling her and driving an hour to ride with her (I'm sure there are places closer to home he can ride his bike and train) all sound pretty bad. Depending on how frequently these things are happening it sounds like he's crossed a line.

 

The way you've handled your friendship with the coworker is the way things should be. Maybe you should mention that example to your BF when you speak to him again. Hopefully you will both be calm the next time and you can have a frank discussion about this without any anger.

[bellamelle]

Well, I called him about 45 minutes ago and it rang this time and he didn't answer. I left a message for him to call me back because I'd like to talk about it. but if he doesn't call back, i'll know he doesn't and well - that's it, I guess.

I'm besides myself. I am not sure what to do at this point. He is a stubborn man, so I am a little scared that he will take this situation very seriously.

[RandomAdvisor]

Well, your feelings are hurt and unless this situation is resolved it could end the relationship, or at the very least create more problems. You should both take it very seriously. I think speaking to him about it in person would be best. If he's not answering, then you should stop calling. Maybe he needs time to cool off.

[Jhodas]

this bothered me last year but I never expressed it.

 

Why the hell not?

 

If he's talking to you about her, I doubt he's cheating with her. He probably is just good friends/training buddies with her. You reacting badly to it hasn't helped. You should have expressed your concerns before they exploded. I think Instyle's advice is good.

[NoComply]

you cant be his only girl [friend] in his life you know.

 

so hes spending time with another girl, doesnt mean hes cheating. there probobly just good friends.

have abit of trust if him will you??

 

hes open about it , so i doubt hes cheating with her.

and he was probobly abit annoyed at the way you reacted over him going to lunch instead, you think they dont talk to eachother as they ride or something?? there friends, you cant expect them not to see eachother.

 

my best friend often spends time with my girlfriend, im not bothered by it, because i know my girlfriend is faithful, and i know my best friend wouldnt do something like that to me.

its all about trust.

 

i think you should apolgise to him to be honest, for over-reacting like that.

 

well theres my advice, take it or leave it.

and sorry to be abit harsh.

[Beyondthesea]

I don't know why you guys are all defending him. If you have that 'gut feeling' that something is wrong, you should always listen to it. If he talks about her that much AND he wasn't willing to talk to you about your feelings, that is big red flag to me.

 

If I accused my bf of liking someone else, he would go overboard explaining to me how it isn't true. His lack of communication gives me a feeling that you are right.

 

A similar situation happened to me in a relationship. I KNEW they liked each other and he denied it up and down. "I'm just going to go with her to a party since you don't like partying." Yeah, right. Within a few weeks he was dating her.

 

I understand where you are coming from. Be honest with him. Tell him you are jealous and want to know if your jealousy is justified. It sounds like it is in my opinion!

 

And yes, it's fine for males/females to be friends, but we women KNOW when something is up. We always know.

[RandomAdvisor]

I don't know why you guys are all defending him.

 

I don't know what everyone else's reasons are, but I just can't bring myself to say anything negative about another member of the bike cult.

[agent1607307371]

"no, it's a problem you have, not me"

 

Right there.

If he really wasn't up to anything he would be helping you to feel secure and accepting of his friends. That response if just harsh.

 

Don't ring your fella, let him calm down and contact you. Explain that you are feeling a bit insecure and ask him to help you through it. Communication and openness are necessities in relationships, especially where jealousy and suspicion are concerned, justified or not.

 

I have male and female friends, if i was going out with someone who had only friends of one gender I would actually think they were a bit odd. But I always trust my gut. I leant that lesson the hard way.

[Beyondthesea]

I don't know what everyone else's reasons are, but I just can't bring myself to say anything negative about another member of the bike cult.

 

 

 

Well good to know!

[Beyondthesea]

"no, it's a problem you have, not me"

 

Right there.

If he really wasn't up to anything he would be helping you to feel secure and accepting of his friends. That response if just harsh.

 

But I always trust my gut. I leant that lesson the hard way.

 

Here's what I'm saying up and down. Trust your gut.

[bellamelle]

well incase you're all wondering the outcome of this fiasco...

 

He called me and said he'd be in my area, and would i like to grab a bite to eat. Of course I said yes - as I want to put this episode behind us.

 

He comes over and we decide to talk about it before we go to eat because I am sure I would start crying and I don't want to do that in a restaurant.

 

conversation goes as follows:

me: "well, i am very sorry for my over-reaction last night, but I think i have a right to feel how I feel about you and this girl. I am disappointed that you didn't reassure me in anyway - you know, 'it's ok, you're the one, i love only you, i'm not interested in her, you have nothing to worry about' but you didn't do any of that"

 

him: "are you kidding me? You were acting so stupid! so highschool! i didn't want a part of that, that was so stupid. I am not going to reassure you with behaivor like that"

 

me: "what the...THAT WAS MY REACTION!!! I'm not going to stop and ponder and think 'hmmm, now how are you going to react to this?' no, that was my reaction right then and there. I'm sorry if you think I have the mentality of a highschooler than. (i'm 33 by the way) the least you could have done, as my boyfriend who loves me and cares about me is to settle me down or something"

 

him: blank stare, says nothing

 

me: "And what are you then, Mr. I don't want to talk about it. Well, you NEVER want to talk about it. You just close up and ignore any problem. THAT is a little highschool to me then"

 

him: "I think jealousy is a discusting thing, and it's a big turn off to me that you are jealous. I don't ever want to see that side of you again."

 

me: "Jealousy is a natural human emotion. At this point in our relationship -I saw this girl as a threat to us because you and I both know her reputation" (flirts, drinks often, brings home men, hops from one r'ship to another)

 

 

...so in a nutshell, the issue was buried. He told me that this girl is one of the guys. That he think she's ugly -crude and gross and not feminine and pretty and would never be interested in someone like her. (ok, I didn't think this because she is really not that bad).

 

so then we went to dinner and that's it, basically.

 

no, we didn't break up. And things are ok. I'm just going to have to be careful not to act "highschoolish" around him. Whatever that means.

[Beyondthesea]

I think he is very immature. He buries a huge issue like that? Honestly I would be rethinking this relationship. He doesn't communicate and that leads to fatality.

[bellamelle]

Oh I've told him of his poor communication skills. He's top level executive where he works and he can't communicate over delicate issues with me. It's a big problem.

 

Last night we talked about marriage, kids, timing for these things, etc....

I really hope he wants to visit a couples therapist to help push certain issues to the forefront. I know i'm not the best communicator either, so I think that could help.

[RandomAdvisor]

Maybe he doesn't want to because he hasn't thought of it, but if you want to you should bring it up. If he wants to make things work he wont refuse.

[RayKay]

I am a member of the bike cult too.....and I do have training partners of the opposite sex....but even so, his reaction was pretty over the top too.

 

Hmm, road bikes don't HAVE to be that much money, if you really were interested in getting into it with him. Sure the higher end ones are, but you can get a basic beginner bike for a few hundred and upgrade it to a better bike if you decide you like it. Even so, he may not want to do heavy training with you, maybe some recovery stuff, in the beginning at least.

 

Some people don't really like to train with their partners either. I know some couples whom both ride for example whom CANNOT train together because they make every one a competition, or their skill levels are too different so one of them ends up feeling left behind basically, and the other gets impatient.

 

I had an ex that I gave up riding with because he was too overly critical of certain skills I could NOT do (like jump off huge ledges..I still have a bit of chicken and safety concerns in me...lol). It was just too frustrating!

 

My boyfriend and I will ride together quite often as we are both able to ride and have fun with it - so that for us is not an issue. We can also work out together, or climb together. But we both run as well, and we don't run together as we just have very different speeds/goals and it can be frustrating for us both! He also adventure races and I may get into it, but if I do, we will opt not to be on the same team, just because of some of the other couples he has seen whom do so and end up taking out the stress with one another on the course. It's different if you met through it, but if one of you brings the other into it, I think it can often end up being a frustrating endeavour!

 

Just some suggestions as why he might not be as keen on training together, sometimes it is easier to train with someone whom is not your significant other.

 

It sounds like you have tried to talk about this - I think you have every right to be kept in the loop about things, and it sounds like he is honest about when he sees her and such, but I think he also has to be willing to be transparent about that friendship too. If he has nothing to hide, he won't be defensive about it!

 

I think couples counselling is a good idea, especially to work on the communication issue if you do want a future with him.

[DN]

I think part of the reason that he is not communicating well is because you are not communicating well either.

 

If you push or attack someone most people will either push back or walk away. During this issue he has done both and in both cases it was because you pushed. Look at the language you used, and I bet your tone of voice didn't help either.

 

You apologised for your over-reaction but then you justified it. That is passive aggressive and he could see through that. Then it the whole thing deteriorated into an argument.

 

When you have an issue like that it is almost always better to make it about you and what you need rather than what he is doing wrong. You need him to want to ease your fears and he won't do that if he feels attacked.

 

I think you are being premature in thinking everything is OK - this could resurface and I think you would be wiser to develop a better way of dealing with issues. As i said he is not good at communicating in this relationship but neither are you.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

I am sorry to read you have been having some trouble with your BF lately. I am going to break down parts of your posts and offer my insight...

 

"and this bothered me last year but I never expressed it."

 

Ok...I have done this before in the past and it only gets worse if you do not express things that you are not comfortable with. For me, I have done this because I wanted to be the model girlfriend, the one whom does not rock the boat and cause trouble. So I used to be tight-lipped about matters that bothered me, thinking the situation would work itself out. I am not sure that is how you felt at the time but I know that is why I never expressed my feelings. I have learned you can express your feelings in a constructive way, without starting a fight. So, in your situation you might want to say something like, "well, I have had a few bad experiences in the past with this, and my sisters as well. I just feel uneasy and I just want to make sure everything is cool. I guess I need a little reassurance about this sensative matter..." something like that.

 

"This is the point I freaked out."

 

Not to be lecturing but this is case and point of why you have to put your feelings on the table right away. Believe me, I did things like this in the past because I did not speak up when I was uncomfortable about something and my feelings ended up running away from me. This is what your BF may have been referring to when he was describing your "high school" behavior.

 

"I told him that she has the hots for him (I think she does) and that by him going on these outtings with just her (training or not, there are plenty of other MEN in the triathlon group too) is considered going on DATES with her."

Right there, you are assuming things. You have no idea how she feels. If you consider this going on dates, this is something you need to discuss with your BF, this is something you will not tolerate, a situation you feel is disrespectful. If he cared about how you felt, he would either not hang out with her anymore OR offer to come up with some kind of compromise.

 

The conversation you both had over dinner was a good start, as far as communicating. You laid down how you felt about the situation and he told you why he acted the way he did. He may not even realize you have any interest in riding. He may have assumed, very bad on his part. He may have a lot of communcation at work because he is dealing with impartial people all day long but may be afraid of saying what is on his mind to you, in fears of starting a fight or perhaps losing you. So, it seems you both have to sharpen your communication skills, that's all.

 

There are plenty of books out there to give pointers on how to communicate more effectively. I was once given this assertiveness equation as well. This may help you as well....

 

Assertiveness Forumla:

 

"This is how I see it."

"This is how it makes me feel..."

"This is what I need from you..."

 

Always use "I" statements. This makes the other person less likely to be defensive, and more likely to listen. I noticed in your conversation, you both said the..."well, you don't do this," "and you did this" and "you didn't say that..." kind of statements. It can make the other person become extremely defensive and not really listen to what and how you feel.

 

Good luck with everything and take care.

[RayKay]

Very good points by kellbell.

 

It does no good to play the "ideal girlfriend" to the point you are sacrificing your own needs for example. It only makes you miserable in the end, and really has the relationship on some false/shakey ground. No one is perfect. You should be able to be yourself, and still be loved for it!

 

When you keep quiet so as "to not rock the boat" you end up building up resentment for them not "seeing it", and you eventually explode. They are left wondering "what the heck?". It's not about how often you disagree, it's about how you actually handle the disagreements. Denying you are upset about something is just as badly as flying off the handle about them.

[kellbell]

RayKay,

 

Everything you wrote is exactly what I have done in the past and man, it has caused my relationships to get very tremultrous! I am slowing learning to speak up when things are not cool! So, my part in all my past relationships falling apart, this is it! I am trying not to repeat my mistakes. LOL

[RayKay]

Ah, I have done it too kellbell, we live and learn.

 

Honestly though in some part in retrospect, I wonder if my way of behaving then was in due to part "knowing" deep inside that they were not right for me, so I had to be careful not to expose that? I was not comfortable being myself, because I knew we were not right together.

 

It was in my current relationship where I finally did feel totally 'free to be me' and be able to discuss things that concerned me, without fear of him running away. It was not until this relationship I felt that "comfort" and that feeling of being "home", and loved absolutely for whom I am - flaws and all.

[kellbell]

"Honestly though in some part in retrospect, I wonder if my way of behaving then was in due to part "knowing" deep inside that they were not right for me, so I had to be careful not to expose that? I was not comfortable being myself, because I knew we were not right together."

 

I agree with this observation 100%. Sorry if I hackjaked the original poster's thread.

[lovecrazy]

You know my boyfriend has used the "its your problem, not mine" but not to something like that.

 

There is a girl, I dont like him talk to period. And I have expressed it. And she only calls once a month, and you know its still annoying. but he knows not to hang out with her.

 

Honestly part of it could be insecurities on your part. But it also sounds like he is hiding something. And it could be innocent.

 

I honestly am not sure what to go with on this one. Maybe you can suggest trainging together, maybe if they do just a run, instead of a bike ride. Until you are able to get the money together. I would just suggest that you say somthing like "Hey how about we all do a "run" and hang out together, so I can get to know her better. That way you dont have to deal with my insecurities. And Honestly to me if he refusing, sounds like to me he is hiding something. Regardless of you guys being together a long time or not. If he was serious about you, he would try his hardest to make you feel comfortable. And as RayKay pointed out scarficing yourself to be the "ideal girlfriend" never works out. Been there done that. Ended badly.

 

I speak up with I feel wronged, rather I am right or over reacting. I still do it. Sometimes I have over reacted for no reason, but I still express my feelings about everything. Im sorry but if you cant express anything to your boyfriend, then I dont know if the relationship has a good base.

 

Please keep us updated on what is going on!