Exes/friends getting in the way?

[Jhodas]

Hi, I'm new here, I'm a 21 year old male student with a 19 year old gf, also a student. We're at the same university, I'm 3rd year, she's first year.

 

I've dated and slept with quite a few women in this time. I never cheated on anyone.

 

My gf knows all about my past.

 

The problem is thus. I have two female friends, both of whom I have history with, both of whom I took time to get over, both of whom I'm still quite close to. I've compromised friendships for a woman before and when it ended, I felt so low, not because it was over, but because I had actively excluded friends from my life for the sake of a woman. I promised myself I would never do this again.

 

My gf basically can't stand the fact that I'm still friends with two people i've slept with (one of whom has grown from bisexual to lesbian in that time). I keep trying to reassure her, I spend a lot of time alone with her. I don't love her because I'm not ready to love, but that doesn't stop me adoring her.

 

Unfortunately after a few drinks she doesn't seem to be able to see anything good about our relationship and says she 'wonders why she's with me'.

 

What I want to know is: should i cut these people I consider good friends out of my life for this woman? Should I break up with my gf because she can't handle it? Any other suggestions? Help, particularly from the feminine quarter, would be appreaciated.

 

Jho.

[Caterina]

I don't blame your girlfriend, personally. I wouldn't put up with your behaviour if I was in a relationship with you, I'd end it. It shows that you don't put much merit in the lastingness b/c you have several plan B's that you keep frequent connection with.

[fishrrshortae]

Honestly, it's something that would make me insecure too. Do you bring her around these girls? I don't believe there is much else you can do or say if you are being honest about everything, and including her in activities you have with these other girls. It might be partly her age -- as I've gotten older, I realize that we all have a past, and what is important in the end is the person's character. If she is doubting yours, you have a serious problem and I'm not sure it'll work.

 

I don't blame your girlfriend, personally. I wouldn't put up with your behaviour if I was in a relationship with you, I'd end it. It shows that you don't put much merit in the lastingness b/c you have several plan B's that you keep frequent connection with.

 

I don't think so... If he wanted to cheat, he could do it with a perfect stranger or a friend. There is really not much of a difference. Either he's going to or he won't. If she doesn't trust him, she doesn't trust him regardless. Yes, there are things he can do to make her more comfortable, but I do not believe he should give up his friends.

[xmrth]

fishrrshortae, I think Caterina meant the "plan Bs" as in, if she and him don't work out, he'd not hesitate to jump to one of them. The girlfriend might feel like it's constant competition and like walking on eggshells, even more than just a guy with female friends.

But that's still a good point on it's own, fishrrshortae-- if someone were to cheat, they could meet someone in a grocery store! It doesn't just need to be a friend.

 

I would feel really uncomfortable, too. I think it's a choice you need to make Jhodas. Are these girls more important than your girlfriend? Who do you value more?

Your girlfriend may very well not budge her feelings in the subject of you being friends with them. She's giving you the chance to take your pick. Sometimes there's a time where you have to say "okay, for you" or you say "no, this is important to me."

I don't think you'll have the best luck finding a girl who's going to be okay with the past 'experiences' still being close friends with you, as I've not once heard of anyone being okay with it. But with anything, there's always someone. I feel like I shouldn't tell you what to do, but if you would like to know, I would say: drop the girls and stick to your woman.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I wouldn't want to go much further with a man who had a lot of close female friends, don't much care if that's liberated or 'pc' either. Especially if I can tell if he's been involved with her, or (if he or she just WANT to be involved). it's actually painfully easy to tell. Sounds like you're just not ready for anything serious, (which isn't necessarily a bad thing), but you two are on different paths.

[hoping]

well, im a guy...

 

but i just think that you REALLY have to weigh the importance of these people in your life, and make a decision from there.

 

if your gf is someone who you care about, maybe not love yet, but has an importance to you, her happiness with you should be one of your priorities...

 

however, if you think these friends of yours has a higher importance to you, and THEIR happiness is what u value more, then i really think u should make that clear with your gf so u guys can either end things or come up with a solution to compromise.....

 

either way....i dont think its fair to your gf for you to have these friends around often....she is a human being with emotions and feelings as well....but thats my opinion

[Jhodas]

I appreciate your quick replies thank you.

 

Caterina. These are not plan Bs. These are not women that anything sexual is ever going to happen with again. They are friends.

 

I would like to emphasise that I have taken time (several months) apart from these people, gotten over the sexual aspect and forged a friendship from scratch.

 

She lives with two guys and invited her ex out for a drink while she was sixty miles away, later confessing that this was a man who used to threaten her in public. I can't even run into my friends without her getting very very uptight.

 

On the other hand, i guess I'm being a bit thick.

Exactyl why would/does it make a woman insecure? Do women see it as competition? regardless of what their man says? Is it simply that some women cannot stand the thought of their man having an emotional investment of any kind in another female? If that's the case, should I have any female friends at all? Regardless of whether i have a past with them?

 

Once again, thanks for your help.

 

EDIT: hoping, I don't see these people more than once a fortnight, simply because I'm investing so much time in my gf. She's never met either of them. I kept trying to get her to, she refused. So i stopped trying.

 

Jho

[heloladies21]

You can't fold on this. It'll set a bad vibe for the rest of the relationship. She's gonna have to get over it so explain it to her really good, give her some time to think it over, and if she agrees to your point of view then great. If not, let it be because you don't want a relationship where her insecurities lead the way, but i have a feeling if you lay it down she'll see your point of view.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

You can't fold on this. It'll set a bad vibe for the rest of the relationship. She's gonna have to get over it so explain it to her really good, give her some time to think it over, and if she agrees to your point of view then great. If not, let it be because you don't want a relationship where her insecurities lead the way, but i have a feeling if you lay it down she'll see your point of view.

 

well, she doesn't really have to get over it, she may choose to simply walk away from it. and i wouldn't be so sure about her seeing it.

[Jhodas]

We've been together nearly 4 months. A record for me since i was 16. If she wanted to walk, why leave it so long?

 

I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with this girl. But I damn sure don't wanna lose the best thing that's happened to me since high school.

 

Although if it really did come to the crunch, I'd have to put my friends first.

 

Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go until you meet the one.

Your true friends, you will keep for life.

I may have just answered my own question, but I would still like to hear from more of you.

 

Jho.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

"Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go until you meet the one.

Your true friends, you will keep for life."

 

When you are ready to get married you are actually expected to forsake all others, (no, that doesn't mean you drop all your friends, it means your spouse comes first) ...so you're probably not anywhere close to that. I'm not saying that you should be at your age, or at any age for that matter.

 

you're still young and you admit that you're not ready for anything serious (not a bad thing), so why not just fill her in on it, that will help her know where you stand, and she can then decide whether to continue with you, or to look for something a little more serious? She may not be ready for marriage and a house yet, but it does sound like she's a little ahead of you in that.

 

And I can promise you that friends, even the truest, come and go.

[Jhodas]

Good food for thought. I think the degree of seriousness is the issue. She doesn't think I take 'us' seriously, and I have no idea how to convince her otherwise other than to spend a lot of time with her, which i do.

 

I seem to have digressed a little. What I really want to know is why women in general get insecure about men who are friendly with women, particularly exes/'past experiences' (unusual turn of phrase). I my just start a new post about it tbh.

 

Thank you all for your input, it i much appreciated.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

What I really want to know is why women in general get insecure about men who are friendly with women, particularly exes/'past experiences' Thank you all for your input, it i much appreciated.

 

I'm not sure that's just a women thing, I've known plenty of men who don't want their woman's exes hanging around. I would honestly think that the reasons why would be self evident.

[Jhodas]

So we're having a good night out. I'm lavishing affection on my lady like I always do. My friend (yes THE friend) shows up. My level of affection DOES NOT CHANGE. She begins pulling away from me.

 

When more of my friends show up, I move my chair round closer to her to make a gap on the other side. When more or her friends show up, she makes the gap between me and her, breaking my grip on her hand in the process. Her friend sitting next me offers her seat. My gf declines.

 

She spent most of the night talking, laughing and jokin with my friend.

 

She leaves the table. Fair enough. 15 mins later I look round and she's sitting at a table full of guys I never met before. She never told me she was going to speak to anyone, never said anything as she left the table. I'm feeling a little territorial, so I go over, give her a hug, offer to buy her a drink etc. She declines the drink and introduces me to the guy she's talking to (who's actually very nice, and covertly slips into the conversation that he has a gf, indicating he picked up on my insecurity).

 

She doesn't respond to my hug. 10 minutes later I find out she told one of her mates to tell me that she was getting on really well with this guy. Her mate just came clean. 20 more minutes go by and even my friends are starting to miss her at our table. I go over a second time (against my better judgement) and overtly ask her to come back to our table. She plays for time ('in a bit').

 

When she does finally return, there is no eye contact, no conversation between us. By this time we are both pretty drunk. She is still talking and jokin with my friends, including the one I have history with. She even invited her out later in the week.

 

We said goodbye at the end of the night, but it was a formality.

 

I'm leaving the dust to settle at the moment, trying to write this objectively (failing miserably)

 

I think she was trying to make me jealous. I rose to it. She still wasn't happy.

I also think she pulled away from me in the hope that I would ignore her and pay more attention to my friend so she could throw that at me the next day. I saw that one coming, made sure my friend was settled into a conversation and started talking to HER friends instead. (Safe ground in theory).

 

What exactly did I do wrong here? My gf and my mate get on fine. I don't change when my mate is around, and neither does my level of affection for my gf (as far as I'm aware). Yet, I find my lady feeling the need to indulge in petty junior high antics. None of her friends understand what her problem is, none of my mates understand what her problem is, and when my friend addressed the issue (I didn't put her up to it, I never would) all she (gf) could see was that we had slept together. (FYI, that was November 2004, and I know what was said because I had half an ear in the conversation. Yes that's a dirty trick).

 

The strange thing is, my gf noticed that I was being unusually affectionate over the past couple of weeks. So have I, but it's not deliberate. I think it's something to do with spring...

 

More opinions plz? We're having a 'talk' later tonight. Without alcohol.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

so the girl you were doing a little while back shows up, and your gf feels uncomfortable...yeah, it's hard to imagine why...

[Jhodas]

teddy, no disrespect but if it was that simple, surely the two of them wouldn't be getting on like a house on fire and going out together without me later in the week.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

can't imagine how i would take that as disrespect (?) ok, so your gf doesn't want to seem like 'the bad guy', thereforeeee she's making an effort to get along, dispite your prior report that your gf wasn't ok with it. you're the one who's complaining about her behavior.

[Jhodas]

OK. So I'm the bad guy. Again. Why, because I'm mature enough to move on from my feelings? Because I'm friends with a woman? Because I'm friends with an ex? I had sex with her once. Once only. It wasn't even that good fs.

 

I spoke to some of her friends, all of whom have told her to get over it. She even spoke to my friend, who, of her own accord, told her side of the situation, and basically, to get over it. She won't. Two possibilities have occurred to me:

 

1) She is holding this as an excuse to be distant so that 'when i cheat on her' (her words, not even if, when) she can say she never really liked me anyway.

 

2) She's cheated on me, won't admit it, and is trying to get me to break up with her so I end up the bad guy YET AGAIN. Either way, she wins. I'm giving up.

 

Second update. We had a talk. The upshot of which was:

 

1) She is insecure.

2) She has a problem with my relationship with someone I used to have feelings for.

 

3) SHE DOES NOT WANT TO TACKLE EITHER OF THESE.

 

She complains about being fat (she ain't, she's gorgeous) yet wont come to the gym with me, or even go on her own. Any time I treat her to something, or even go to hug her, she's suspicious of an alterior motive. Most of the time I do anything nice she's like 'why are you being so nice to me?' She puts me down, say things she doesnt mean, shuts me out, pulls away from me for no apparent reason, doesn't like talking about her feelings, doesn't like me talking about my feelings, doesn't reach for me, hardly shows affection unless I initiate it, hardly ever makes an effort to do anything nice for me (except look good when there might be another woman within 10 feet).

 

Need I go on?

 

I feel like I'm hanging on to her for the sake of it. I'm sick of being something she can pick up and put down whenever she wants. She has issues she needs to resolve, and I can't resolve them for her. I told her she is the only one that can deal with her insecurities, but she has to want to. She said she doesn't. She doesn't even want to try.

 

I'm wasting my time. I don't want to waste any more. I refuse to give up my friends.

It ends tomorrow.

 

I pity the next man who falls for her. He has his work cut out.