intimacy problem

[gotgame]

Hello everyone I need some advice

 

Me and my girlfriend have been dating seriously for about 2 years now. We moved in together about a year ago. Ever since we got past the courting stage, our sex lives has dramaticlly decreased. Its to a point where we will go months now with out being intimate. My sex drive is high for her, however her sex drive for me is non existent. She shows little to no sign of "wanting me". I have tried everything from flowers, massages, cooking dinner, doing all the house chores, giving her space. You name it I have tried all the romantic gestures. I feel sometimes if I don't try and be intimate she would never be intimate at all with me. She says she loves me, and would like to marry me someday. I feel exactly the same way about her. However, I don't want to continue a realtionship where intimacy is non existent. I want to propose to her, but If this problem continues I don't know what I am going to do.

 

I feel because of this lack of intimacy I have been getting into more fights with her than usual(about stupid stuff, not the intimacy issue). We used to never fight.

 

I have told her about my feeling about our problem, and she knows I feel this way about our intimacy. I feel if it has been a while since we had sex she will force herself to have sex. I DO NOT WANT THIS, I tell her if SHE does not want to have sex than we won't.

 

So heres the catch. Ever since she was a little kid she has had depression. She takes pills that makes her not depressed. So when I talk to her about our intimacy problem, she blames it on the pills(the side effects). I tell her she should see a doctor about this, but she never does. I feel like we are heading down a path that I am really afraid of.

 

What Do I do?

[bobo85]

Ask her straight up

 

"Be honest with me...why don't you want to have sex with me?"

 

Then be silent. Let her answer the question. She may not feel sexy. She could be used to not having sex on a regular basis. She may be getting sex from someone else. You have to ask her.

[itsallgrand]

Ok. I read your post twice. Left, and came back. It's a really tough situation.

 

Depression can really hit a person where it counts. Sex drive can just fly right out the window. And the worst thing about it: when you're depressed, you don't feel like you have the energy to do the usual things, you don't feel like doing a whole lot actually.

She sounds really depressed. So depressed that she doesn't want to go to the doctor: maybe she has been through a lot of docs/therapists/pills and feeling like it just doesn't help. I'm not sure.

 

One thing is for sure though: she needs to know exactly, in very specific terms, just how big a deal this is to you.

It can be very difficult talking to someone with depression. It's hard knowing the balance of being compassionate to their situation and getting our needs accross.

 

You love her and it must be hard on you to be in this bind.

 

I need to think more about this....

[Scotcha]

It is also possible that she is telling you the truth. Many medications for depression have sexual side effects. One that does not is Wellbutrin. There may be others but I don't know for sure. Ask if she would be willing to talk to her doctor about changing medication.

 

Hmm.. I missed the part where you said she has been unwilling to talk to her doctor. Ask her why. Maybe she doesn't know there are other options.

[RandomAdvisor]

This is a big problem and you shouldn't propose until it is resolved. Without sex and intimicy you don't have a relationship, you have a friendship.

 

There's a good possibility she is telling the truth about the drugs affecting her libido, and I hope that she is. The alternative to that is that she just has a naturally non existant sex drive and/or she's just not that aroused by you - in either of those instances a relationship with her wont work out in the long term.

 

You need to sit her down and talk to her about this. If she refuses to takes steps and try to fix this (going to the doctor), you need to decide if you're willing to stay in a relationship with a partner where there is little to no intimacy, and your partner wont even try to resolve major problems bothering you. Personally, I wouldn't.

 

Hopefully she will agree to speak to her doctor and some new meds will help her out.

[WhiteNite]

I know when I was on antidepressants I had little if no sex drive. In your partners mind it may be simply be a choice between being able to function with no drive OR disarray and drive.

[gotgame]

Thanks guys for your replies. I no for sure she is not cheating. So that is out the window. I really love this girl. she is smart, beautiful and sexy. Like when I first met her I thought to myself life couldn't get any better than this. But now its differnet. She will always be smart beautifull and sexy in my mind. However, I do agree that with out having any type of sex life, I do not have a relationship. I am just a teddy bear and a roomate.

 

She tried going off her depression pills a year ago and that did not work. She got really bad, like shaking, thinking about un healthy things. So she went back on. I am afraid, and I think she is too if she does go on something else for her depression that she might have a tough time.

 

I have asked her how her other relationships were and she said that her sex drive was high with other guys. She told me that she was actually the one asking why they don't be more intimate. Maybe I should just develop a six pack and see what happens.

[RandomAdvisor]

Are there other things that might be factors, like age? If her prior relationships were in the distant past it's possible her libido is decreasing naturally. And what about birth control? Is she on some sort of hormonal birth control that might affect her sex drive?

[itsallgrand]

It seems there are a lot more factors at play here. Perhaps the meds are truly affecting her sex drive. It could be other things, tho.

 

I'm concerned about how this is affecting your self-esteem.

 

Did this start after the two of you moved in together? Is this her first time, and yours, in a commited relationship that could lead to marriage and where it is a live-in situation?

How are the other aspects of your relationship? Is she open and honest with you, and show you affection...like, going out her way to give YOU massages and do nice things?

 

Are there money problems, work or school problems, or other practical things getting in the way?

Does she have friends?

 

wewww a lot to think about ...Certainly hold off proposing until these issues are worked out.