"he's just not that into you"

[btbt]

So I've had a crush on a guy for a few months, but he acts all nervous and weird around me. We hang out with a common group of friends. When we first met he'd initiate a conversation with me, but then zone out and let others do the talking or even walk away mid-conversation! Now, he kind of ignores me -- he's polite and all but it's obvious that he's uncomfortable around me. Sometimes I catch him staring at me and when I look back with a flirty look he kind of just freezes. And sometimes it seems like he goes out of his way not to be in my conversation zone.

 

My girlfriends who've known him say he's a shy guy and his awkwardness shows that he has some interest but is on the fence or doesn't know what to do about it. But my guy friends say that shy or not, when a guy is interested he will "go for it." I've also heard him say that he doesn't like forward women, so I haven't been too flirty around him even though I'm outgoing and friendly in general. I guess I'm getting nervous and weird too! What do you all think?

 

btw -- this sounds like some high school drama, but we're in our 30s!

[whattodo56]

He likes you, sorry about it being short but its simple as that.

[Celadon]

hi btbt. Well, whether high school or 30s, love always seems to have its complications.

 

I'm wondering if you titled your post according to what you think is going on? Ordinarily I'd say nervous and weird means that he likes you. But if he's avoiding you, that's not a positive sign, imho. I hope I'm wrong, of course, but just saying what it appears to me to be.

 

Once there was a guy I knew who suddenly kept quickly excusing himself whenever I entered a group. I finally decided that he thought I liked him (which I didn't at all, though I'm a friendly person so he might have misconstrued it). Truly it was bizarre, but I think he just wanted to let me know in a passive sort of way that he wasn't interested.

[btbt]

So how come one person says that he is interested and another one says that he is not? I can believe both posts -- why get all nervous unless something is up? But then again, avoiding someone as a passive way to get out of the situation makes sense too. I do think that he thinks that I am interested, so maybe it's freaking him out.

[monsieur]

I know I have avoided girls that I like alot, just because of the nerves thing. Sometimes if I don't feel like I am at my best as far as mood or feeling confident at all, I will get away from the situation. He may actually be crazy about you and it is making him even more nervous.

 

I know I have been really really attracted to a girl before and would absolutely never get up the guts to approach her or ask her out if I talked to her.

[tmp0620]

Avoidance doesn't mean he doesn't like you. Not all guys will just "go for it".

In fact, if he sees you coming and goes somewhere else to get away, then chances are he does like you (unless you did something to make him dislike you) and just can't really deal with it. I know this from experience.

[itsallgrand]

It really sounds like you like a shy guy! Ohhhh nooo the humanity!!

 

Actually, if you are fairly straight-forward or expressive person; it can be quite frustrating and confusing.

It sounds like he likes you tho.

Now...how to deal with it....dunno....

I haven't had a tonne of success with the shy ones

[SxcLady]

I had the same problem a while back. It turned out he liked me. That was 8months ago and he wasnt just leaving the group. When we'd talk on the phone or even on the internet, he would go all silent then go "hey i have another call i will talk to you later", or "I have to go ... grandmother needs help in the kitchen". I used to hate it, and i thought that he hated me or i had done something to make him hate me, but it was because he was a shy guy and had no idea what to say when he was around me or talking to me or anything. How long has this been happening for?

[Emmylu]

Anything can happen. No one really knows. It happened to me in my 30's, with the guy in his early 40's. he acted the same way, nervous, stealing looks at me, then avoids me. I finally asked him out and he turned me down. I took it as rejection until I later found out he is homosexual and his lover was a guy I knew. Then I didn't feel so bad.

[kellbell]

It seems like he wants to ask you out but gets extremely shy and intimiated around your friends being outgoing and boitserous. He could be a total introvert and be uncomfortable being around a bunch of extroverts. I know a few guys like that.

 

It sounds like he wants to get some alone time with you but does not have the courage to ask you. So he may need a little help. Maybe go to a quiet corner and talk over a glass of wine and get aquainted or suggest meeting up for coffee. If he does not go for that then I have no idea what his deal is. Good luck.

[btbt]

Thanks, everyone, for your insightful responses!

 

So what should I do?

 

My guy friend says just chill and even drop it. It will make him act if he is really interested, and if he's not up to it c'est la vie. I'm usually not the type who waits around for the guy to do the asking, but this guy did say that he thinks women doing the asking is too forward.

 

What do you shy guys out there do? I'm curious as to why you don't "go for it." Isn't risking rejection better than silently nursing a crush? (I know I should follow my own advice, but there is a double standard!).

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I know an extremely shy guy and he was always intimiated by asking out women whom "had it together" and that are pretty. But he is sweet, thoughtful, caring, empathetic. He had some bad experiences in the past so it kind of dictates how he approaches women now. But he really wanted to ask, he just got very very shy. And he ended up not asking them out at all. Poor guy.

 

So, like I mentioned before...maybe help him out a little and go a quiet area at the bar or do something very low-key like getting some coffee. Your guy friend...he sounds like he is confident but not very empathetic towards shy people or different personalities. I'd say, don't throw in the towel just yet, he may need a little help.

[monsieur]

Shy guys usually are extremely sensitive too. So rejection is an extremely painful thing to us, to the point where we often avoid even trying for something that we really really desire.

 

I'd say your only hope is to be more aggressive. If you don't, then it is likely never to happen, even if he has a major crush on you.

 

I've gone many many months absolutely crushing and heartaching over a girl and wouldn't ever have dared to make a move myself. And the heartache is painful, but it is a slow long pain, compared to the extremely paralyzing fear of actually making a move.

 

Good luck!