He's great but theres a catch.....

[naterandrews]

I have a real problem that sorta resembles a bad soap opera plot.

 

I've been dating a guy, "Daryl", for the last three years. He's great, hes charming, he's sweet, he's helped me to realize more about myself than i knew, and helped me grow as a person- basically, the guy everyone dreams about. There is also a problem though.. he is married. I know, I know, most people try to avoid married men like the plague. Since about the one year mark, he has tried about to or three times to leave his wife. The first time, by outting himself to her. She got violent and entered denial. So, he stayed. Second time, he told her that he was still seeing me (he told her since about the first year, that he hadn't been seeing me), and that he wanted to leave. She threatened suicide, and used her two kids against him (one is 15 i think, and the other 17). So, again, he stayed. Whenever i tell my friends/coworkers, they say hes just playing games, and making up these "excuses" to stay with her.

 

Over the last year and a half, I tried to pressure him into leaving (I know, bad "mistress") just saying hes living a lie, and he'd be happier being who he is, not living a lie as a straight guy. Since then, hes been saying, he doesnt want to hurt her kids, and mess up their lives. Eventually, I put my foot down, and made a stand. I told him, you need to leave her in order for this to work (Seeing him only on "stolen time isn't good for our relationship- time he SHOULD be at work). We then agreed, that he'd leave this June (June 06').

 

(I apologize for making this post so long!) Over the last couple months, I've been planning details about how our life will be. Where we are going to get our first apartment, planning finances, minute details, etc.

When I asked him about things, he acted startled. Told me he didnt really plan things, how he would tell his wife, and then preceded to tell me...... he didnt even plan to get divorced (again, he says only for "his" kids to keep insurance and to keep their comfortable life, etc.) So, after hearing this, I of course got scared. I told him, that he should "tie up" his affairs with his marriage, etc. after 6 months from us being together. Then, while talking he told me he would wait til the absolute last day from the six months to file for divorce (again, stating its for her kids). Im at a crossroads. He seems to be a noble, and honorable father to her kids, and thats great! But, maybe its a ploy to stay with his wife? Or to stay in contact with her?

 

Ok, long post short (haha, i know bad joke):

 

1- I am worried that maybe he is playing games with me, and not really wanting to leave. BUT he is such a great "boyfriend". And I know everyone thinks their boyfriend is the best out there and is all euphoric. But, something just seems off about the whole defensiveness about him leaving. He makes far more money than me, and is STILL going to pay off his wifes car, and the house they have once we are together- which will put a strain on our situation; Since we will have almost no money.

 

2- I am the extreme paranoid type. I keep worrying, "once a cheater always a cheater". I know theres no 100 percent (Yeah he will stay a cheater) or (No its not true) about that but it makes me wonder. He does things with me, and seems to have no remorse about it. I constantly worry about that and if he'll do it to me the same way (Sneaking out of work, sneaking out late at night, etc.)

 

3- His/her kids. Do you think he's just using them as an excuse to stay? He is 37, soon to be 38 next week, and I just turned 24. I know he worries about me (thinking I'll leave him when he gets old, no longer love him for some absurd reason or another, etc.) But I try to assure him that I've found the one guy that will make me happy.

 

4- Whats up with the last day of the 6 month "divorce filing period"? I know he doesnt want to hurt the kids and all. But, once he leaves things will change for them. Either they hate him (which i soooo hope they dont) or, they will be "ok" with it. Him getting divorced 6 months later wont make any less of a difference on how much it will hurt them. One kid has a part time job, the mom is graduating college this June (thats why I picked June), I'm sure she can get them insurance. So his "keeping the kids insurance" seems noble, but suspicious. What do you think? (Especially if hes still handing over about $7000 a month to his ex wife, you think THAT could buy at least some kind of insurance).

 

5- Anything I may have missed or some point that you may want to bring up.

 

I just want to know if I am not seeing things clearly, if he is a player but I dont notice it, or if you think that I am, as I said, too paranoid.

 

THANKS! (and sorry again about how long the post is)

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

number 3 is my guess. If he wanted to leave you'd know it because he would have left. Sounds like the two of them both enjoy a lot of drama in their life, and you are the perfect foil.

[doyathink]

You want to know if you are seeing things clearly? Well, ummm, He is clearly a married man. How clear do you need it? Maybe you should steer clear of him....just a thought

[melrich]

He is not going to leave his wife. He probably knows that you two are over once he reaches "June" and is trying to delay that moment for as long as possible.

[suprema99]

You got a tough situation on your hands. He sounds he may not care about his wife but his kids are getting in the way. It kinda sounds he's debating now what he should really do. I bet you'll never get his full attention you want in this situation. His kids are always gonna get in the way. If his wife is threatening suicide. Wonder who's causing the problems?

[itsallgrand]

 

I just want to know if I am not seeing things clearly, if he is a player but I dont notice it, or if you think that I am, as I said, too paranoid.

 

You are not seeing things clearly.

He is a player.

HE IS MARRIED.

 

HE IS MARRIED.

HE IS MARRIED.

HE IS MARRIED.

 

Isn't that important info?

At what point did that become 'ok' in a prospective partner for you?

You deserve more than scraps and drama.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

At what point did that become 'ok' in a prospective partner for you? You deserve more than scraps and drama.

 

yeah, it's not good, if he's running around outside his marriage then theres an integrity issue, and it looks like he loves drama. So say he did leave her, do you imagine what kind of wild situations he would drag you into just to keep the level of drama high enough in his life?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Put it this way, I have known men who leave their wife, when it's just no good, and they've met someone. They don't drag it out. They don't make a scene. It doesn't take long. They just leave quietly, give her what she wants, and get on with their life.

[melrich]

Put it this way, I have known men who leave their wife, when it's just no good, and they've met someone. They don't drag it out. They don't make a scene. It doesn't take long. They just leave quietly, give her what she wants, and get on with their life.

 

That is my experience to. And there is NO WAY they don't plan for the event (ie financially). This guy is giving not a single sign that would suggest to me that he is actually going to leave and plenty of signs that he is not going to leave.

[itsallgrand]

I agree wholeheartedly. Wonderfully put, iamteddybearfeelmecuddle

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

thank you!!

[Cyberchick]

Get out of this relationship NOW. You love him, and you are trying to justify why he's doing whatever it is that he's doing with you. But there is no justification for what he's doing and what he has done.

 

You actually believe all the reasons he's giving you for not ending it with his wife? The woman he is being DISHONEST to by CHEATING on her? How can you believe anything he tells you? And how can you call him

' noble ', given everything he's doing and how he's actually hurting his kids ( although they may not know it right now )?

 

I was the other woman with a married man, so I have an idea of what you are going through. No matter how nice or great or charming you think this man is ( I thought all of those things about my ex ), he's inherently selfish. You CANNOT trust him.

 

His life is a total mess right now. He's got a wife who he feels a great deal of obligation to ( if only out of fear that she will kill herself ). That's a huge mess in itself. He's got kids who no doubt will be suffering from a great deal of pain once he gets things out into the open ( if he ever does ). He is not someone who can be emotionally available to you right now.

 

You deserve so much more than this. And you are only 24, you are very young. In my opinion, you need to end this, and make a fresh start with someone who will truly be there for you in every single way.

[shes2smart]

A "great" guy honors his commitments.

A "great" guy is honest.

A "great" guy doesn't go around intentionally (and continually) hurting those he claims to love...especially those unable to defend themselves (kids).

A "great" guy is there for you 100% if he's in a relationship with you.

A "great" guy respects himself and others.

A "great" guy considers your needs as well as his own.

 

Doesn't seem to describe this guy.....

[naterandrews]

I just dont understand why he would want to stay. He is gay afterall. He told his wife, she still wants him to stay out of fear that she wont be able to pay for the house/her car, etc. and he told her he was going to support her still.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

well obviously he 'swings both ways' doesn't he? besides, his orientation seems to be beside the point here.

 

Why would you want a serious relationship with someone who is commited to someone else in the ways you've mentioned. i know i wouldn't. so what, you get whatever crumbs are left over? no way, move on.

[shes2smart]

Why would you want a serious relationship with someone who is commited to someone else in the ways you've mentioned. i know i wouldn't. so what, you get whatever crumbs are left over? no way, move on.

 

I agree.

 

I would much rather be with someone who knew he wanted to be with me & only me AND who did the necessary things to make that happen...wouldn't you? Don't you think you deserve that sort of devotion from a SO?