Being Used by a Friend - Opinions Please

[sunshine_girl]

Hi, I would really like some advice/opinions please. Anyway, here's the deal. A gf rang in tears last year cos her cat was throwing up in her newly built house (and wrecking the carpet), and she asked if I could keep him. I said I would help her out for a while, and she just needed to save up and build a cat run. I did say 6 months if necessary, whilst she saved up.

That was JUNE last year. Yes, up to 9 months now. Knowing HER partner would not tolerate one of my cats for that long, I began to ask how the cat run was progressing. (I have 4 cats of my own with a cat run attached to house). I was told they didn't know what they were doing with the backyard. Every time I asked it seemed she was to gutless to ask her partner. (cat was ok in her old house then they sold their respective houses he was the neighbour and built). Has come to visit the poor cat once, she lives about 40mins drive away.

Since then, I have had to hear about the $15,000 water feature & decking going in the front yard. About the new pet bird (last one flew away). About the 500 mossy plants she decided to order for some part of the garden the mower wont fit thru. About her taking out her IUD, then getting upset cos her partner didn't ask how the procedure went. Mind you she has 2 kids to ex hubby and 1 kid to ex fiancé, and a year ago discovered current man txting his 2nd ex wifey, in a very friendly manner. And he came back from a trip from overseas to visit parents, with half shaved pubic hair…called it a surprise for her.

So when 2 months ago she emailed to say she was always getting lied to couldn't trust him etc, then after lunch im supposed to congratulate her on getting pregnant! I (as a good friend would, I thought), asked why she was going down that path if she thought she couldn't trust him. Got told not to ask. So I asked on the phone that night what she was doing about her cat. She said oh I think we have a solution….im like YOU DON'T WANT HIM??? She thought partners folks as they moving back, personally I cant stand her partner and I said well the cat can stay with me, but A. I said that in the heat of the moment and B. she didn't respond to that. In other words at no stage has she said: do u want my cat/can u keep my cat while I look for another home for it/etc. So after discovering she obviously doesn't want her cat anymore, I saw red and suggested a sperm bank if she just wanted another baby.

 

So, next day I got a nasty email saying how furious she was, tells me my role is to be supportive not questioning critizing or judgeing and she wont be discussing pregnancy with me, but that she would cool off soon. So I replied with a Well I was furious too cos I cant get a straight answer on the cat, u avoid the topic and fob me off. And that she needed to talk/ask etc to me about the cat issue. And that I didn't mean to hurt her feelings (it was a bit sucky), and hoped we could both get back to happy.

 

So the cat owner eventually sends some email funnys….but as I never saw the topic of the CAT in them I deleted them and didn't reply. The one time I did send a funny (as im pretty soft, my "mean" is a walk in the park etc), thinking ok I'll play nice, I got a sarcastic response; oh looky and I thought I was being ignored.

I don't appreciate sarcasm so again, delete.

So yesterday, I cop an email from her. Hows this. She reckons after 17 yrs of f/ship that I would have the decency to say I wasn't talking to her, and that she would appreciate the courtesy of a reply saying so. And that she thought she held the rights to the sacred angry stick. And that she wasn't good with things left up in the ethos, chapters are better off closed. And that she hoped I was well.

 

Excuse me???????? What about the courtesy of her telling me her intentions with her cat? Shes shafted me and her poor cat. I feel like she is just using me as I'm a softie with animals. I am upsetting my feline household to do her a favour. My cats aren't that impressed with her cat. She hasn't paid for his keep or anything. I said I could feed him as she was my friend (thinking it was few weeks only…not 9 months plus)

So basically I have not responded to a darn thing from her, and I wont, until she stops avoiding the cat issue. I would rather keep the cat and lose the so called friend, sounds like I have already. I am angry she is avoiding her responsibility, not to mention it teaches her kids pets are apparently disposable, but that's her issue.

I should mention that I am normally compliant, easy going, agree to everything, help anyone out etc, let her tell me how to suck eggs etc. But I am digging my heels in and making a stand. I think she is being rude and is abusing the f/ship. Am I doing the right thing in standing up for myself? Any opinions out there please, I would really appreciate them! Thanks for reading.

[Scout]

I think your "friend" was selfish and dishonest. And this being the case, the cat's much better off without her.

 

I'm sorry your friendship is turning out this way, but you are not at any fault for it whatsoever, that I can see. In fact, you sound like an incredibly good person, and she's losing a terrific friend. You, however, are not.

[sunshine_girl]

thanks Scout for validating what im feeling!

[itsallgrand]

You are right to stand up for yourself. Of course!

You agreed to keep the cat for a few weeks, and it has been waaaay longer than that.

 

You are a softie and she knows it.

She'll suck it for all you're worth until you stop letting her.

 

Please re-read what I have quoted from your post.

 

I'm glad you are ready to stand up for yourself. Can you see where you need some practice?! You weren't exactly clear nor did you make her stick to her word.

 

Not saying you should have to - a good friend won't pull this sort of stunt on purpose - but you could have prevented a lot of explosion early on.

 

You should have laid down the law a long time ago. Nobody likes doing these things - nobody likes being a 'meanie' (well, actually i kinda get a kick out of speaking my mind ) - but with a friend you just gotta.

 

It kinda sucks for you that you feel the need to bite your tongue with a friend!

Think about it : If they really care about you, they'll still like ya' when you say what needs to be said.

 

good luck. Perhaps a good talk with this 'friend' of yours is in order.

 

I would personally ring her up, tell her 'we need to talk about your cat and where it is going to live, because I will not take care of it anymore'.

Bring the cat to her house if need be.

Make it her responsibility - bc it is.

 

It's your call though. If you care about the cat and are willing to take responsibility for him/her; by all means do so.

[sunshine_girl]

thanks, itsallgrand

you are so right about me being soft. the thought of the cat ending up in a home somewhere its not really wanted broke my heart, so thats why i said he could stay....silly me i should have said yeh come and get him. im in disbelief she just keeps avoiding the topic and is now trying guilt tactics on me! i currently feel like i shouldnt have to spell it out again! so yes i guess i am partly at fault for not being clear..guess i didnt expect to get treated like this!

i mite have to get lessons from you in how to get that kick!! thanks for your reply

[Scout]

Well, I agree with most of itsallgrand's post, but don't think the cat should go back to its original home. I don't think it's going to get taken care of. I realize it wasn't your original responsibility, but knowing what you know now about this girl, I wouldn't take it back there.

[itsallgrand]

Scout: that's a good point. That will have to be sunshine_girl's call, though.

Unfortunately, a lot of animals/children do not receive proper treatment from people....and end up being taken in by kind-hearted people who truly care about their welfare.

 

Sunshine_girl; I have no doubt you have a good heart and do the right thing.

My main point was that you need not feel guilty regardless of your choice.

It is NEVER ok for someone to manipulate us.

 

My hope is that this situation will drive you to speak up louder next time, earlier, before the situation gets too 'hairy'.

 

You're a good friend and she did you wrong. Just remember: it's okay to protect oneself from 'friends' too

[sunshine_girl]

thanks guys

 

its odd...she loves her animals normally. too chicken to ask partner i think, either that or a new house with its new carpet is more important than a 4yr old cat! it is her 3rd New house..

i cant decide whether to keep up my silence, or to email and say that I am annoyed she still hasnt bothered bringing up the cat issue, I think its irresponsible, and that 9 months is a long time by anyones standards. And its not nice to just assume i want him or will keep him if she just keeps quiet!

well its my birthday monday...i wonder if the penny will drop for her by then. i guess i am hoping someone points out to her that perhaps she is taking advantage of me. fat chance i think. *sigh*, what a shame it has come to this.

or maybe i should just grow some b*lls this w/end, ring up on monday and just verbally state the above.

[sunshine_girl]

Arrgghh!!! Now the other gf in this group is stalking me!!!! i just refused a call a workmate said she was on phone for me. she doesnt normally bother much, but suddenly in last oh say 2 months since my "mexican standoff" began, she has rung my phone off its hook! 13x in 3 days? scary! stalking!! and she rings 3 weeks ago asking if im avoiding her. (noooo, well yes but said no) im not going there cos she will either yell/counsel/play best mate routine. day late and a dollar short for that. (ie she tells the other one shes seeing if the hose fits on her car exhaust....but to me; everythings perfect, fine, wonderful)

now i realise why high school friends should have been left there..cos im 34 next week and this all feels just so schoolyardish!!!

[itsallgrand]

sunshine,

Is this another 'friend' to the original friend who asked you to keep the cat?

 

This needs to stop. It'll drive you crazy, hun! Totally not acceptable.

 

I'm so sorry to have to repeat myself, but I really think you need to confront this woman (original one) and be straight out with her.

If this is all getting waay out of hand: could you recruit someone to have your back? Not to do the confronting for you; but to watch out for you and keep you strong?

 

I so agree: in the 30's and pulling those shenanigans is just....silly!

 

good luck. stay strong.

 

Oh: what did you decide about the cat? Are you gonna keep him/her?

[Abby]

I agree with the others, your friend is using you and she's gone beyond that now, she's taking the mick!

 

As you've ascertained the friendship is over, you should communicate with her one last, not via email because that can be ignored but by phone if possible. Say to her, "I want you to come and collect your cat by (insert date) otherwise I'm taking him to the Cat's Protection League." Leave it at that. If she doesn't collect him, you know she was trying to palm the cat off onto you. Since he's causing conflict among your own cats, you're better off giving him to the CPL so they can find a more suitable home for him.

 

I hope this helps.

Abby

[sunshine_girl]

thanks abby

[sunshine_girl]

gonna face it. then drift.