Should I ask him if he's gay?

[Cassie]

Hi guys,

 

I met a guy at the beginning of the year who was everything I dreamed of; gorgeous, contemplative, sensitive at times, very sweet. We started dating but something unfortunately felt a little off. After a few months of seriously seeing each other, I broke up with him even though I was falling deeply in love with him. Something was seriously not right and I knew I needed to distance my emotions from him before I got seriously hurt. He just seems ... very confused. He's a 30 year old "virgin" (claims he's never penetrated a woman). During our intimate moments he did express wanting to be inside of me a few times but .. I don't know. He just didn't seem all that turned on maybe? Or just not completely there? I was a bit shocked when he asked me twice if he could have anal. I didn't feel comfortable with it so he didn't penetrate (anal or otherwise) but ... He also made a joking comment to me once about being a monk in a past life.

 

He's a Catholic and faithfully attends church every Sunday. I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps he's gay, or at least bi-sexual. When I broke up with him, he was sad and said he had felt a spark for me, which he also said was very rare. And that he was hoping I could 'cure' him. But, cure him from what?

 

I'm wondering if I should just ask him straight out if he thinks he might be gay. He'll always be a dear friend to me and I do want ultimately to see him happy. Any thoughts?

 

I should add, he's also hurt a lot of girls this way. He has a lot of 'friends' who are girls, who are completely in love with him. He'll fool around with them for a bit but only if they initiate things. But he'll only let them get so close before pushing them away. And, according to him, he's never had sex with a girl. I asked him if it was because he was waiting for marriage and he said no. This surely is not normal?

[DN]

What is the point of asking? Is this for him or for you?

 

If he is not gay would you consider getting back with him?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

And that he was hoping I could 'cure' him. But, cure him from what?

 

 

That was cute. Poor girl I feel for you. I dated one kind of similar to him once, but it was all to weird for me, just depends what your into, but if you're not into it you have everyright to move on.

[kadvati79]

And that he was hoping I could 'cure' him. But, cure him from what?

 

Ask him. For your own sanity's sake... just blurt it right out no sugar coating "Are you gay?". Look him in the eyes when you say it.

 

I mean, from what you have said... this guy sounds. Well. Gayer than. Well. Me? And I'm pretty much a fully paid up member. Seriously tho... he sounds like he is either struggling with being gay or struggling with sex in general.

 

In other words he was hope you would "cure" either:

 

1. His fear of vaginal sex; or

2. His desire for gay sex

 

In don't think, in all honesty, anyone can cure either except for himself. He does sound like he is quite hung up on sex which is a shame (although not as rare as one might think). Could be many reasons, abuse in the past, previous relationship difficulty, bad early sex experience, etc...

 

I'm gay and I have no problem having sex with a girl. I just don't understand them generally and have no desire for them to stay and chat over breakfast in the morning

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I mean, from what you have said... this guy sounds. Well. Gayer than. Well. Me? And I'm pretty much a fully paid up member.

 

funny stuff, icemotoboy.

[FoxLocke]

From what it sounds like I think he is gay and struggling to come to terms with it.

 

I grew up devoutly Christian and I just now(this past year)admitted to myself and my mom.

 

The "cure" thing is a definite giveaway. I dated girls in the past hoping that each one would be the one who took away my feelings for other men.

 

I think for your sake you should finesse the question to him like, "I don't want to offend you, because I care deeply for you...I just need to know if you are gay..." or something like that. Just make it as non judgemental as possible and you will get an honest answer...

 

But for all intents and purposes that is probably it.

 

Or maybe he is into deviant(which doesn't mean bad)sexual acts...

 

But yeah I think he might be gay. If he were bi then he'd have no problem being with a woman intimately and emotionally.

[DN]

The problem that I have with asking him is that it is really none of your business any more and you might unnecessarily offend him. Unless you would want to get back with him if he is not, what concern is it of yours?

[Cadence308]

Are you still in love with him? Are you considering getting back with him? If not, I don't see why you should ask him his sexual orientation. It can be pretty offensive and put people on the defensive. I am, myself almost a fully paid member and if someone asks me if I'm gay I'm like, "Why do you want to know?"

 

He does sound gay. Or another possibility is that he might be scared of vaginal sex. Having sex is scarier for some than for others. I, myself am almost a 30 yr old virgin (28 yrs old), and I'm even intimidated and nervous thinking about having gay sex. Just the whole sex thing for me brings up so many issues (commitment, trust, emotional involvement, body image, fat phobia, STDs). It's no simple thing.

 

Have you ever talked to this guy about why he chose to remain a virgin? That question would probably make him less defensive.

[kadvati79]

I guess I have a pretty open view on sex. I think that peoples continual focus on sexuality as a "private matter" ends up destroying people. Yes, if people want to keep it secret, thats their business. And they should choose when and who to tell absolutely. But I also believe friends have the right to ASK about this kind of thing.

 

I simply couldn't tell my closest friend. We had been buddies since we were 2, a 20 year friendship. He went to great lengths to get me to admit it too him when i had told many other people. He even went to a GAY BAR to catch me sur le fait. In the end one lunchtime he just blurted it out and asked me. It was a HUGE relief.

 

People stress and stress the longer they leave coming out. When i came out in the NZ military, I would have a constant stream of people (up too and INCLUDING one star generals!) coming out to me, in tears, during a meeting with me. They would give me these stuble hints, and not so sutble ones as well (like "will you sleep with me?" and "I'm cheating on my wife with male hookers" yadda yadda yadda). They build up these huge fears of rejection, and the fastest way to cut through that is not to sugarcoat it, and ask. It shows you care, and can accept the truth. Obviously... don't ask unless you CAN accept it!

 

I think it would be really healthy for him if you asked, because he will feel bad about the way it ended. He hinted at it through his suggestions. It might mean so much to him to have someone he knew intimately be understanding about his predicament.

 

I like Ballys suggestion tho, maybe I am a little to direct in this area. Perhaps start with the virginity discussion. But having said that, i think sexual behaviour is more off-limits friend discussion wise than sexual orientation... ie... I think its fine to ask a mate if he "weighs anchor in poo bay", than asking a mate whether he is a virgin or not, or if so - why. Does that make any sense?

[AwdreeHpburn]

I think DN's point, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that if she wants to know for curiosity sake, her asking will most likely do more harm than good.

 

Its sort of like asking someone what their cards were after they won the hand but layed their cards face down. A bit tacky and card players don't like it. And one reason is because knowing serves no purpose. Revelaing the hand doesn't change the game's outcome.

 

I think DN is questioning her need to know and what she intends to do with the info the answer provides.

 

Yes?

[kadvati79]

I think DN's point, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that if she wants to know for curiosity sake, her asking will most likely do more harm than good.

 

Its sort of like asking someone what their cards were after they won the hand but layed their cards face down. A bit tacky and card players don't like it. And one reason is because knowing serves no purpose. Revelaing the hand doesn't change the game's outcome.

 

I think DN is questioning her need to know and what she intends to do with the info the answer provides.

 

Yes?

 

I guess, but I figured she made it pretty clear... "He'll always be a dear friend to me and I do want ultimately to see him happy."

 

This is a HUGE aspect of his life, and she could really give him some depth and understanding.

 

He's not gonna be happy when he is 50, his pee pee is shrivelled up, his pot belly has its own congressman, and he's trying to score 18 year olds in G.A.Y. on a friday night because he just admitted he's gay and wants to experiment a bit.

[Daddy Bear]

he is a gay man with hetero envy. his religion likely has a lot to do with that (i can just imagine what he has heard in church on the subject). his sexual preference is probably hard-wired into his psyche, and no, i would not confront him outright on the matter.

 

this is not a snap judgment. it took a lot of pondering to write this post.

 

i have a gay friend, and he is the same way. he wants to be straight, he pretends to be, has had sex with women several times, and even has been engaged two or three times (i've heard him use both numbers at different times) but he has never married. when all is said and done he is attracted to his own gender and it will always be so. wonderful person, close friend, but... gay.

[kadvati79]

hetero envy

 

I love that! Well done! I must remember that

 

I think there has been lots of good discussion here and it shows at the end of the day, you're going to have to make your own judgement about what to do. I am pretty straight up with people, if I can see someone I think is in a bit of trouble and even if I barely know them I tend to confront them with it. I consider myself a pretty disarming person and I can't say its ever worked out bad for me.

 

But I guess it does depend on what your relationship is with other people and in what ways you are used to communicating. I believe true friends can ask each other anything. Hell, I will generally answer personal questions from people I barely know. But people know that about me so perhaps its not unexpected when I might confront them with rather personal questions.

[Daddy Bear]

just so there's no misunderstanding, in no way whatsoever did i mean to imply that heterosexuals are superior or are to be envied. hell, many times i've wanted to give up on women altogether, but muscles and facial hair are just not my cuppa joe. unless i'm really, really drunk. lol

[kadvati79]

Oh no i getcha, it just applies so well to a couple of friends!

[FoxLocke]

Oh I don't like facial hair either...love muscles though. lol.

[Daddy Bear]

Oh I don't like facial hair either...love muscles though. lol.

you wouldn't like me, then. (think shaggy from scooby-doo, but with love handles)

[Cassie]

Hi guys,

 

thank you everyone for your replies. To answer some questions presented; yes, I love him very much. I would want to try and work through our issues if he was willing to. But I also want to see him happy. I can work with a fear of intimacy. But I can't do much with someone if they're secretly lusting after men. That's why I didn't know if it was appropriate to (gently) pose the question to him outright.

 

According to him, he's remained a virgin because he doesn't like general attachment. He's afraid someone will become too attached to him, or him to them. He has a lot of girls (and guys!) who like and chase after him. He is, after all, an extremely attractive man. But he's also a very shy and timid personality. He's definitely experienced in some areas. He made it a point to tell me that although he's still a virgin, he's certainly no angel either in that regard. But, he said it never felt right going all the way. When I asked him why, he said he could never see himself marrying these former women.

 

He made a surprising comment to me a few days ago. We were hanging out at his place and I was jokingly trying to pull his 'Hollywood hottie' out of him. (Liv Tyler? No. Britney Spears? No. Angelina Jolie? No. etc etc.) So I asked, "Jenna Jameson?" and he looked at me blankly and said, "Who?" I was like, "Uhh, the porn star." He looked at me with disdain and said, "I don't watch porn." When I asked him why not, his response was, "I don't believe in doing that type of act without love." His actual Hollywood hottie turned out to be the 'hot chick who does the stock market on CNN', haha.

 

Hmm. I honestly didn't think guys were wired that way.

 

He has expressed interest in working things out. I do miss him, so we will be taking things slowly. I know that no matter what, he will be a dear friend to me. So I suppose we will just have to see where things lead.

 

We have talked openly about homosexuality in the past. When I found out he was religious, one of the first things I pounced on him about was homosexuality in regards to the Bible. (I'm more or less agnostic, and against organized religion). We had a wonderful debate, and he agreed it was messed up that homosexuals were 'sinners' in a religious sense. He didn't agree with it at all and is actually very open minded against homosexuals/transgenders/etc. Which was something I was thrilled to see, being that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who was close minded or uncompassionate towards others. Hell, I never thought I'd be dating a Catholic boy in my life But, he's been well worth it.

 

Anyway, I suppose I will just have to see how things progress. He's a very unique individual and many of his issues may also be stemming from self -image insecurities. But I do want him to know that if he finds his taste in ice cream might be in another flavor so to speak, I'll be as supportive as I can. I just don't want to unnecessarily offend him.

[DN]

Hmm. I honestly didn't think guys were wired that way.

I don't think you meant anything offensive by that comment at all; but take a look at this - just posted it today.