Seeking intelligent people to give me their best advice - 3 year relationship.

[sirkindirkin]

Hey everyone.

 

I hesitate to post on here, because I always think that nobody can really understand my unique situation, but I'm trying to reach out. I know that there are all kinds of people on here: young people, old people, dense people, and really insightful people. I would love for one of the latter to assess my situation and give me some advice.

 

Here goes: I'm a 28 year old man in a 3 year relationship with a sensitive, attractive, intelligent lady of 24 (wait for the "but"). But...she is overly possessive and jealous, and cuts me off from other people and activities in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. Moreover, ever since this relationship started I’ve realized that I need time and space for myself that I can't have while being in a relationship. I've been very conflicted throughout these 3 years, and it's starting to get really serious as we make future plans.

 

I'm finding I can't summon the backbone to live my life like I want while being with her. Even when I initially met her, I told her I wouldn't be ready to marry for many years; somehow this conviction, along with many others, has gone unacknowledged, and what's worse is that I've been complacent about it.

 

It's not lost on me that I must have low self-esteem as well, or I would have been able to assert my own needs and values come-what-may. I acknowledge my role in this: I have selfishly acted in way to avoid conflict. I have a real problem with telling her only part of how I feel - the part that I know she'd like to hear. It's true that I think she is a lovely, beautiful person, and that I love her. In the end, though, I don't think I want a serious relationship for many years, even without her possessiveness and jealousy. As you can see, I've failed myself, and now I'm taking us both down a bad road and I hate myself for it. Your advice please.

[DN]

You don't owe anyone a relationship nor should you stay in one if you are not happy and see no prospect of happiness in the future.

 

It seems to me you have three alternatives:

 

1. Carry on as you are and continue to be unhappy.

 

2. If you love her enough to want to try and get the relationship back on track, tell her that unless there are fundamental changes in the way both of you interact and manage the relationship you will leave her.

 

3. If you no longer love her enough to try, then summon up the courage to leave. If you don't love her, you are doing neither of you any good in staying.

[melrich]

It sounds like you have engaged in a lot of introspection around this relationship and from what you have posted I think you have summarised the situation very well in your last paragraph. You do sound like you go to extreme lengths to avoid conflict.

 

You do sound very intelligent and I have no doubt that you know what you need to do about this relationship you just have to find a way to do it that you can live with.

 

If I could change everything with a flick of the switch, I would break things off and just be there for her as a friend, but she doesn't believe in male/female friendships, and would not choose to do that. I've tried to make a break in the past but couldn't go through with it, mostly because she was utterly destroyed by the news

 

All I can say is the obvious. It is a given that she will be hurt, probably devastated judging by the personality you describe. But your ultimate responsibility is to yourself and your own happiness. She will get over it. She may even get over hating you for it after enough time. It will be tough for you but you just have to keep telling yourself that what you have done is ultimately the better for both of you.

 

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER. Breaking up with her will become so much more difficult, more complicated and more drawn out if you have to do it when you are living together.

[sirkindirkin]

Thank you for the quick replies. Melrich, you're right to say that she will be utterly devestated. She talks about how I can't do that to her again ("that" being breaking up). She says she's planned too much of her life around us (it's true that a deciding factor in choosing a Ph.D. program was the fact that it's near my family), and that she won't be able to cope psychologically.

[melrich]

Sirkin, a lot of that borders on emotional blackmail. It is not too many steps away from the "If you leave me I will kill myself" stuff.

 

Any long term relationship you are in involves investment and compromise. You make those things happily at the time because that is where you are at in life. It may not be where you are always at. It is not your responsibility to be in love with her for the rest of your life. It is not your responsibility to carry the burden of her decison based around this relationship for the rest of your life.

 

She'll not understand any of that. You will be the greatest bastard that ever lived and your name is likely to be trashed everywhere. That's a price you pay when ending a realtionship. It sort of comes with the territory.

 

But i do not see any choice for you. You are not happy. This relationship is walking you backwards not forwards and you are both on completely different pages in terms of where you are at in your lives (her marriage/you a few more years as a single).

 

You may feel the easier road is to just go along with things, try and make everything right, deny your own aspirations.

 

But it is not. Every step you take now towards more commitment is going to make the whole harder and more drawn out, for both of you.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Well, I appreciate your position. Its a tough place to be but I agree with DN.

 

Not only are you in no way obligated but owe honesty to her, at the very least.

 

I don't think your situation is in any way unique either. There are plenty who are torn between staying and hurting their happiness or leaving and hurting their partner.

 

I feel bad that she'll be upset but I don't think that lessens that you will be upset too.

 

Not to sound unintelligent, but if its over, call it over. Don't drag her further into a relationship that YOU'RE not even happy in.

[sirkindirkin]

The few friends that I have say very similar things to what you all have expressed (though I feel guilty even talking about this, and feel like I have to take the post down before the night is over lest she somehow discover it online).

[Daddy Bear]

if you use the term "possessive" now, it's a given that in thirty years, or probably fewer, you will find yourself saying "smothering". you may have self-esteem issues (candidly, i didn't detect much of that) but there's no cause to subject yourself to being henpecked for the remainder of your lifespan.

 

i hope that you'll stick around and become a regular, as you sound very sharp and introspective and there are many people who come here needing help.

 

if nothing else, do take the advice that you get in this thread under serious consideration, because there are a great number of extremely insightful folks here on enotalone (DN, to name but one, is a monster thinker) and they give seriously good brain.

[shyanne]

she is extremely possessive,

she denigrates parts of my past that she doesn't agree with.

 

you should never have to hide your past from anyone nor should anyone that loves you put it down.. that's part of who you are.. you need to be happy in your life. she does sound like she's over possessive and that's never a good thing. in order to have a good relationship you have to trust each other fully. really think about this before marriage. she sounds controlling

[melrich]

Well sirkin, it sounds like you are getting pretty consistent advice from everyone.

 

I am unsure what else to say. Really I am unsure where your head is at. You do seem to see this relationship for what it is. You don't seem to want to act or you have determined if you do act you will backdown.

 

I do empathise with you. Like another poster said, you are stuck between hurting her and hurting you. Anyway, think about 2 years from now. Can you get through another 2 years? Do nothing and you will be where in 2 years? (I don't know, that is not a rhetorical question). Break up with her and in 2 years it will all be behind you.

[AwdreeHpburn]

You said you have a hard time telling her how you really feel and that you feel you have failed yourself.

 

But its not the end yet. You still have the opportunity to not fail and tell her exactly how you feel, including your fears about her reaction.

 

I think its very damaging that you say those love affirning lines every night. And that she insists on it. That's not healthy on either of your parts.

 

I really feel for you and your struggle with this but I think soon, at the risk of sounding crude, you're going to have to bite the bullet.

 

You're not being fair to her OR yourself and you obviously know it.

 

I think your struggle is less about what to do and more about finding the power and getting the permission to do it.

[sirkindirkin]

Thank you everyone for the advice - I'm really surprised to find a little community here where strangers are telling me things that I know I should be hearing, and they're saying it better than I ever could. I'm going to read everything everyone has to say like 10 times, and I'm going to seriously try to change my mind-set. Like I said, at this point, I'm kinda conditioned like a Pavlovian dog, and just the thought of having "the conversation" with her makes my stomach ill. But I really can't compromise my well-being and happiness, so I have to figure a way to let her know, regardless of her reaction.

[jordan_2]

sirkindirkin,

 

from initially reading your posts, I could not help but get a sense that you were afraid of losing the opportunity of future engagement while pitying your 'prospective' wife at the same time. These two factors seem to have outweighed what should have been (aAnd should still be) the most important thing from the start, YOU!

 

You hate the fact that this woman dictates your social life (or life in general) and if she is being pesky about every simple little detail you have to realize she's not what someone would call a companion.

 

My definition of a relationship includes two people who care for eachother on a level that exceeds the physical, and eventually the emotional.

They are capable of loving eachother even though they have their differences, and there should be enough trust between the two to allow one of the individuals to have an innocent chat with a person of the opposite sex without fear of being harassed by their lover.

 

This is what I start off with, I hope that you understand that you're growth as an individual is being sacrificed for the idea of "the perfect woman"...

 

All the best to you

[melrich]

Good luck with everything sirkin. Keep us in touch if it helps.

[sirkindirkin]

Thanks - I'll definitely be in touch.

[eleanorrigby1]

You have come here asking for advice and yet you sound very much like someone who knows EXACTLY what they want and how to do it, you are just afraid.

 

That is natural, but remember:

 

courage is not the absense of fear, rathe the judgement that something else is more important.

 

Your life is more important, so swallow that fear and do what needs to be done. You will survive!

[RayKay]

Melrich gave you some absolutely brilliant advice in my opinion, but hey, does not hurt to hear it again, right?

 

First off, I don't think your situation is that unique - I am not saying you are not unique, just that you would be surprised how common your situation IS. I would say the majority of people whom break things off go through the same feelings as you are, of not wanting to hurt their partner, but also knowing they are miserable. Some end up breaking it off, some remain miserable together.

 

But...she is overly possessive and jealous, and cuts me off from other people and activities in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. Moreover, ever since this relationship started I’ve realized that I need time and space for myself that I can't have while being in a relationship. I've been very conflicted throughout these 3 years, and it's starting to get really serious as we make future plans.

 

Cutting you off from people and activities is NOT healthy. She is trying to mold you into what she wants you to be. I have a friend whom recently broke off a 10 year relationship (the majority of the time he felt like you) as finally he realized she was trying to change him constantly, and trying to control how he lived his life.

 

If you have felt this way ever since the relationship started I am for one, shocked you stuck through it, and two more sure that you really need to end things.

 

You know...in the right relationship you can have time and space for yourself, and lots of balance. A relationship is not about living FOR the other person, it's about bringing out the best in each other, enhancing one another's lives. When you fall in love with a person, it is for whom they are. It should not be a matter of "I love you, now change".

 

I'm finding I can't summon the backbone to live my life like I want while being with her. Even when I initially met her, I told her I wouldn't be ready to marry for many years; somehow this conviction, along with many others, has gone unacknowledged, and what's worse is that I've been complacent about it.

 

You are not unusual from many people whom keep feeling things will get better, the feelings will change, and then as the pressure gets greater, realize they can't force something that does not feel right.

 

My guess? When you told her that, she convinced herself she would change your mind. She will resent you even if you don't, despite what you told her.

 

It's not lost on me that I must have low self-esteem as well, or I would have been able to assert my own needs and values come-what-may. I acknowledge my role in this: I have selfishly acted in way to avoid conflict. I have a real problem with telling her only part of how I feel - the part that I know she'd like to hear. It's true that I think she is a lovely, beautiful person, and that I love her. In the end, though, I don't think I want a serious relationship for many years, even without her possessiveness and jealousy. As you can see, I've failed myself, and now I'm taking us both down a bad road and I hate myself for it. Your advice please.

 

I am not sure if it's low self esteem - it does not come accross that way - but I definitely think you do feel torn about maybe making a mistake and a fear of being on your own again. And I think you want to avoid conflict - not entirely abnormal! But you are right in that ultimately, you are harming her and yourself. She deserves someone whom is madly in love with her, and you deserve to be the person you want to be, and in time find the person right for YOU.

 

The worst thing is that I've promised to affirm my love for her everyday, because we've determined what a misstake it was for me to try to leave her about 2 months ago. So tonight I'm going to tell her (on the phone, because we live apart): I love you, and I'm going to be with you. I know it's not honest of me to keep these feelings from her, but I feel so conditioned to act this way, and am very fearful of showing signs that I don't want to be with her. If I did, we would both break down: first, she will break down and hyperventilate over the possibiltiy of me leaving, and then I will break down and give in. I feel like I need an intervention at this point.

 

Why was it a mistake? Don't you think maybe it was the right thing to do?

 

I suspect SHE is the one telling you it was a mistake, and again you are agreeing with her, without really feeling it right? When you tried to leave before, she told you she could not survive without you and you stayed....

 

This last part definitely illustrates to me she does have control over the relationship and you. That is manipulation. I can tell you this, affirming these feelings you don't really truly believe and feel, is not going to help anything.

 

Look, of course breaking up is not easy. Of course she will be devastated. But you cannot stay with someone out of pity or because THEY say so. That is ultimately only going to hurt you both even more.

 

If you don't end things, what is next? You move in, and then find it even harder to end things? You get married under pressure, and are miserable, but scared to divorce? You have kids, and don't want to leave because of the kids, yet you are miserable?

 

You need to make your decision, and stick to it. Leave before you "give in". Break it off, and leave. Go into no contact, and stay strong.

[sirkindirkin]

I feel terrible today - I'm finally breaking it off. I'm sending her a break-up notice over email. I know it's a completely dishonorable way to end a 3-year relationship, but I can't deal with her reaction if we do this on the phone or in person - I've tried and failed by doing that before.

[DN]

Hoe do you think she will react if you do it by e-mail?

[sirkindirkin]

Well, she will call me up instantly, hyperventiliating and telling me that she can't believe this is happening. She'll wonder why I've been lying all this time when I say I want to be together, and that I can see our future together...

[DN]

So what's the difference between that and what she will say if you call her and tell her on the phone?

[Daddy Bear]

if it's not too late... how about writing everything you want to say in an email without sending it, and using it as talking points over the phone?