It happened 2 months ago

[Movin on up]

Hi everyone! My story isn't different from the rest. My girlfriend of a year left me 2 months ago. She's 46 & I'm 44. We had a great relationship but she told me for the first time last night that she left because I was too defensive. I am seeing a counselor for this & am on medication . I have tried everything to get her back & nothing seems to be working. She said she only wants to be friends & that we could never be anything more. I told her last night that I was ok with that but I really am not. I wish there was some way for me to show her that I've changed these last 2 months but I can't seem to do that. I need advice. I have to leave her alone I know that but what can I do without her knowing that I have changed so she will see this & want to give it another try. I know she still loves me . She has said on many occasions that she has never felt so loved or been so much in love with anyone in her life. I know theres a way but can't seem to find it please help

[MetalGuitar]

I know it's hard, and that's simply because that you want her to see that you've changed now. But what you have to realize is that she doesn't really want to see you at the moment, and if she did, it would be to soon for her to realize that you have changed.

 

You said it yourself, leave her be, continue working on yourself, and eventually she'll see that you have changed... but for now, respect her wishes as best as you can... right now, that's the best way to show her that you do love her.

[Movin on up]

thanks metal guitar, I know I need to give her some space because she said that after the breakup 2 months ago she needed time to sort this out & I really didn't respect her wishes. Its just so very painful right now. I know we can make things right but right now in her eyes it seems hopeless. I will take your advice & see what happens thanks

[RayKay]

All you can really do is live your life with your changes. She will see them over time, if she is willing to, and if you really have changed.

 

It does no good to really "prove" your change or announce it, as she will immediately be suspect (people don't change overnight) and she will also see it as manipulation of sorts to get her back.

 

I also think her reason is only PART of the whole reason to be honest, the fact that she has made it pretty clear she wants nothing more then friendship seems to indicate to me there is more to it then she says. If that was the only reason, and otherwise she was very happy and all, she would of come to you to work it out or discuss it before going the route of ending things. It may or may NOT be related to you (ie it could be still issues from a past relationship, or the time in her life).

[Movin on up]

She has had arough time in her relationships before. She said I had too many negatives in my life i.e. my friends, places i hung out etc. But I willingly gave them up the places Imean & was truly working to improve myself. I appreciate your advice & will take it to heart. I HAVE made alot of changes for the good in my life & they are ones that she would be happy with. I am. I just love her so much & know if she will open her eyes & her heart she will see that guy she fell in love with not that long ago

[mch71]

You cannot force a reconcilliation if your ex g/f isn't a willing participant. The best thing you can do is take steps towards a better you, take one day at a time and improve yourself as you've already started to do. You may reconcile in the future but you can't count on that ever happening, the most important thing is you for the time being.

[Ash]

Hang on a second ... you're confusing things a bit here. On the one hand you say that she will see that guy she fell in love with not that long ago, and on the other hand you say you are trying to change. I think perhaps what you'd like to happen is that you change and she falls in love with the new you.

 

I don't know if it's correct to change for the sake of another. If there was a basic incompatibility (and it sort of sounds like there is) then changing to overcome that will be a constant and difficult struggle for you. You're 44 years old, changes don't occur overnight. I'm a similar age, I know all about that. She's got to love you for who you already are if it's going to work. Changes will occur slowly over time and if it's going to work she needs to be there with you to grow through the changes. That doesn't seem to be what she wants.

 

Seeing all the things you've talked about summed together ... the defensiveness, hanging out in the wrong places, her not liking your friends, it sounds like in her view it wasn't a minor issue that caused the split. It was a series of issues, perhaps some that we're not yet aware of as well.

 

If the changes were important now, they should have been important before, so they should have been influenced to change for the last year. But if sounds like that's not what was happening. Giving up on the places you've hung out for over the years is not something you'll likely change and live with comfortably. Generally, when you meet somebody new, IF there is going to be a change in how you are, if will occur fairly soon into the relationship. If you were hanging out at the wrong places, you would have changed venues quickly I would have thought.

 

To say you're changing now after the fact, and making drastic alterations in your habits can be seen by others as making you look a little desperate and perhaps even insincere. I do not mean to be insulting, but it can look that way. I realize you have the best intentions in mind, but it doesn't tend to look right.

 

I think the best you can do is let her know you are in therapy and leave it at that. Unless things were in rough shape before you split up, think carefully about telling her of the medications. And I'd steer away from making any promises about how you're going to change. See if there is actually a change first, and provided you do change (so that you're happier within and about yourself) then let her see things are different. You won't have to tell her, she'll see that for herself.

[Movin on up]

The changes I have been making were started way before we broke up. It wasn't until after that I made some choices on my own for changing the lifestyle I once had. I wasn't a barfly but it bothered her that i went there from time to time. I want to be a role model not only for my children but for her son too. i think thats why she didn't want me there. That wasn't a problem to me just the people I used to see there. The negatives she spoke of was that i was divorced in November of last year & have since been at my mothers house. I now have my own place & I have gotten rid of the things that bothered her without any remorse. i also took a vacation in february without her I asked her to go but she said she couldn.t go on the spur of the moment. She said it was ok at the time, offered me a ride from the airport & said that I should call her everyday to fill her in on what was happening. 2 days into the vacation she said she was having a problem with me being there & that it would be better if i didn't talk to her at all while I was gone. We talked after I got home & everything seemed fine until she broke it off in early march

[Movin on up]

thank you very much for responding to me. I understand that I can't force her but I now that she loves me . all i need to do is to get her to realize that I'm still the guy she fell in love with not so long ago

[Movin on up]

She was helping me make these changes with her support. I made these changes of my own free will. One was finding God again. She supported me in all I did She doesn't know about the meds. That only came about because of the way I was acting towards negative situations & thank god I have them now

[Movin on up]

How will she see these things if I don't have any contact with her?