Did NC....he phoned and wants me back.....

[shebop]

my full story is below. My ex contacted me..we have been in strict NC since January...although we broke up last July. It is a bit long...but i really need some advice and insight from people who have considered getting back together with their exes after breaking up.

 

My story i was with him for almost 4 years...we broke up about 6 months ago. I actually went away and he phoned me and suggested a "break". I knew that maybe he had interest in someone else or that he just thought since i was away that it was a good time to figure out what he wants..... i was upset..but we had discussed the possilbility of us breaking up at one point to figure out what we really wanted. (we were together for pretty much our whole college/university).

 

I called him back after i had some time to think about things and told him that he could have his time to figure himself out and we would talk again at Christmas (which would be about 6 months and i was going to be away for this time). He wanted to keep talking...but i told him that i didnt think that was a good idea...as I wanted him to figure out things. For about 2 weeks we didn't talk and then he would start randomly emailing me...which i responded and he msned me..which i responded...he told me he loved me and asked me serious questions about marriage and life in general ("to see if we were on the same page"). The contact happened on and off until christmas.

 

We finally met at christmas (and I actually had been away this whole time..in a different country). To make a long story short he told me that 5 months wasn't long enough for him to figure out what he wanted...and that he still loved me and saw a future with me..but he needs more time. I had to go back to europe (that is where i am now until march..then i will back in canada). I was pretty upset by this..but we spent time together on the break and it was fun (nothing physical..i didn't allow for it..although he wanted to). I came back here and the whole cycle of talking and communicating was starting up again and I finally decided that I couldn't handle it anymore. He won't committ...and I have to sit here and wonder what he is doing and hope he will message me or email me. He was in total control of my emotions (well i was allowing him to be).

 

I decided that I would write to him one last time. I emailed and told him that I didn't want to be a person that says one thing and never sticks with it (telling him that we shouldn't talk and then always giving in when he emailed or messaged) I told him that i would never want to be settled for. I said although breaking up is painful, I couldn't think of anything more painful than being with someone who doesn't really respect me and feel excited to be me with everyday.

 

I wished him luck and thanked him for a great 4 years and all that i have learned and then said goodbye. This was sooo tough for me to write....and I am trying to believe that it was the right thing to do. I hope it was. I feel like if he really wants to be with me...then he knows where to find me. If he never comes...well at least i am getting the opportunity to move on and learn from things.

 

We started strict no contact after this email since January 29th. He emailed about a week ago and wanted to know how i was doing and told me all about what he is doing. I emailed him back and said nicely that I would not start the cycle of contact again...and that if he wanted to talk about us and our relationship we could talk...otherwise i would have to leave it at that.

So I just arrived home from another country (i have been living there for the last 7 months) and he phoned me and said that over the past 9 months...he has realized that he i am "it" and that he wants to be with me.

I listened to everything he had to say...and told him to contact me in a couple days so i could process and everything. He is currently away in the US and will be there for the next 4 months...(i am in canada).

I know that he has dated other people and been with other girls over this 9 months. I have a dated a couple guys as well..but i know that i have not been out with as many people. I just need some advice on how i should approach this..what percautions i should take...if it should bother me that he has been with other people.. and what I should say to him. He wants to be with me..but we will not be able to see eachother for 4 months..unless i go and see him...it has been such a emotional roller coaster this past 9 months..I still love him..i just want to make sure i deal with this the right way..

Any advice would be appreciated

[DN]

The fact that he been with other women but realises they don't capture his heart the same way you did should be seen a positive and not a negative. It would be nice if someone having met us had no doubts but things are not always that simple.

 

Do you love him and do you want to get back together with him - assuming you could trust the fact that he loves you and wants you?

[byates5637]

Tell him you still love him but now you don't know what you want. Tell him you have to figure yourself out for a while. Wait a month or two and see if he is still interested. If he is then it may be legit and you could give it a try

[tylercdurden2004]

Do you feel enough time has passed to really work out the issues that led to your split? Thats the question you need to answer honestly.

[shebop]

Thank you for the advice and the repsonses.

To anwser your questions....

I definitley still love him....so i am not questioning that, I am just a little scared now as the last 9 months has been tough for me to deal with and I am kind of caught off guard by the fact that he called and wants to work this out.

We never left on bad terms and we broke up really b/c he wanted to figure out what he wanted and the fact that I was going way to another country. We had been together for almost 4 years, most of our univeristy (we are both 25 now).

I am not sure how to deal with this.. we are not living in the same country...he is in the US (playing a pro sport). He has said that after his season he will come with me where ever i go (i play a pro sport as well...but it is the opposite season of his)..I am just confused now since we have been apart for 9 months and how to approach this.

Should i wait until his season is over? and see if he feels the same way... should i go see him...

I was hurt when this happened..but i tried to deal with it the best i could so that he would respect me. Now i guess i have heard the words i have wanted to hear..but i never really thought about how i would deal with this part of it...

any advice is appreciated...thanks for the advice so far

[Belle]

shebop,

 

I like byates' advice. If you go back to him quickly after he's put you through all of this, he won't respect you and will probably take you for granted all the more. I'm speaking from experience. Right now the ball's in your court. I personally wouldn't want him back after what he did but that's just me. If I were you I would tell him that you need time to think about it. And if your'e worried about playing games, I would worry more about getting dumped again by a fickle guy.

 

good luck

[shebop]

thanks for the advice...again. well i am supposed to talk to him tomorrow... he has always said to me that once he fully commits that that is it for him. He has never lied to me or been dishonest about how he feels. He told me that he needed this time to figure out himself... now i guess during this 9 months he think he has. I dont want to play games with him...but I dont want to get hurt again, so I am not sure what i should do. I dont' know if it is a great idea to say that i need time now...i am pretty sure i want to be with him..i just don't want to get hurt again...

any further insight pleaseeee

[ranlian]

i feel like i'm in the situation as you are shebop. i don't have any good advice but offer what i'm feeling as well. my ex hasn't explicitly said that she wants to get back with me, but i have a feeling that it's going towards that direction (which is good, right?).

 

the only problem is that she's in the US and i have to travel a lot around the US and asia. if my ex really isn't willing to commit, then i'm going to choose to hang out in asia and do my thing, otherwise i think i would stay in the US.

 

hmmm... in my case, i honestly do need to give her some time if she wants to come back. i'm not going to say "ok, you want me back, i'm yours!", because like belle said, he could take you for granted and you'll be open to hurt again. that's exactly what i'm afraid of too. i need to somehow now that my ex REALLY wants to be with me and wants to commit to me. (that's funny, usually the guy has trouble committing). i don't want her to come back out of fear of loss or of guilt; i want her to come back because she truly loves me.

 

hopefully you'll be able to sense that when you talk to him today... good luck!!!!

[shebop]

thanks ranlian for the reply

Well i talked with him 2 days ago and he said many things...but pretty much said that he has realized over the past 9 months that I am the person he wants to be with. He said that he had a few empty relationships and thought that he needed to live that lifestyle and experience that. He used to think that was important and now he has realized that being able to experience things in life with the person you love feels much better and more fullfilling. He said that he is willing to make it work, whether he has to move with me wherever i go next year but he of course wants to pursue his goals as well (we have opposite seasons..so it could work)

I am really happy that he said these things and i want to try and make it work...there is just a part of me that feels a bit uneasy about this. I just wonder if things will change, if he will still feel the same way in a while (he says he will..that he feels much more sure and he is greatful that I might give him another chance)

I just don't know how to get by this feeling of uneasiness...i keep thinking i should be excited..which a part of me is..i dont want to play games with him...

not sure what to do..how do i get past these feelings?