Why do I feel so guilty?

[dlkozy1975]

I am new to this site and I have found it very helpful! Thanks! Although, I am having an extremely difficult time trying to convince myself that the failure of my marriage is not my fault. We dated for 3 years and have been married for 2 1/2 years, and two months ago he left. One week later he moved in with the replacement. When I have talked to him - he lays the blame on me. Using lame excuses like I misrepresented myself to him - I don't like 4-wheeling and motorcycling as much as I claimed I did. (Is that the most immature thing you have ever heard?) I know these are just attempts to make him feel better about himself and make me feel guilty. In front of him - I am strong and tell him that he's just trying to find anything to justify what he's done to me. But when I am home alone that's all I can think about. Was there something that I couldv'e done to keep him around? I really hate the fact that he has can make me feel this bad about myself. I know deep down inside that no matter what he says about the demise of our relationship, there is nothing that justifies in my eyes the fact that he cheated and has been living with this lie for the last 6 months or so. I took my marriage vows seriously and obviously he didn't. I am bothered by this - I feel like our whole relationship was just one big fat lie. Are these feelings and thoughts normal?

[arwen]

Was there something that I couldv'e done to keep him around? I really hate the fact that he has can make me feel this bad about myself. I know deep down inside that no matter what he says about the demise of our relationship, there is nothing that justifies in my eyes the fact that he cheated and has been living with this lie for the last 6 months or so. I took my marriage vows seriously and obviously he didn't. I am bothered by this - I feel like our whole relationship was just one big fat lie. Are these feelings and thoughts normal?

 

Well, you could have pretended you are someone he wants you to be-- namely someone you are not. It seems like he blames you for being who you are. Would you prefer this just in order to 'keep him around'?

 

When two persons grow apart, mostly neither is really to blame. His feelings might have altered over time, and it could also be the case that prior to the marriage, his idea about you was different than it turned out in reality. That is not your fault. That is his expectations turning out differently. Don't blame this on yourself. You are who you are, and by the sounds of it, you're better off without him. It says a lot that he could move in so easily with 'the replacement' as you call it. Did he cheat on you with her?

 

Take care,

 

ilse

[danylion]

Im am so sorry that you are going through this, my heart goes out to you at this truly difficult time.

 

Firstly, the feelings and emotions you have described are normal. I myself Have not been married but I have been cheated on. The reasons he is giving you are immature because it is him who is feeling guilty because he cheated on you. He doesnt want to think about it too much and is probably putting his head in the sand by replacing you so quickly.

 

It is a real shame that he could not have devoted more time in making your marriage work and obviously took the easy option, which he will soon regret but will probably be too late. You sound like you are an intelligent young woman and I am sure you realise the pathetic element to his bahaviour.

 

My ex while he was cheating on me towards the end used to pick at me because I was bad at tennis amongst other little comments....grow up!

 

For now you have to ignore these comments and excuses unless they are more constructive in the future and help both of you to move on whether it be together or apart. As im sure you know, It is a really hard time right now, just concentrate on you and rebuilding your wellbeing and life. It is scary, bloody scary but stay strong and don't blame yourself...not anymore, its a waste of time. after all a marriage does take two.

 

Keep loggong on here and telling us how your getting on if it helps, there are always people ready to help and care. Above all, I hope you'll be ok sweetheart.

 

Take care

[dlkozy1975]

I know he's immature and I wish I would have stayed with my initial gutt feeling about him the very first time I met him, 4 1/2 years prior to our first date. His cousin tried to set us up and I told her that I wasn't interested that he seemed like an immature punk. I know I can't erase the past 6 years - but sometimes I wish it was like the Staples commercials and I had an "Easy" button.

[dlkozy1975]

Thanks for the positive comments - it really does help. He claims even to this day that they are only friends and she was just trying to help him out by letting him "Crash on her couch". I may be blonde and polish but I am not stupid. I don't believe that for one minute. Especially knowing what kind of person this girl is. The funny part is that he works with this girl. I am now finding out little details like she has been coming around our home and hanging out in his office since last fall. I feel so stupid and blind. Was I living in a fantasy world?

[Süsser Tod]

Well, I can see his point. I was stuck on a 4 year relationship, with someone that turned out to be quite the opposite of who I loved in the beggining.

 

I started dating a girl on university, she was on IT, same as me, after one year and a half she dropped out, and went for fashion design...

 

Now I'm a network analyst, and my current gf is on marketing (still in university, 3 semesters left), so the failure with my previous relationship was not related to her changing her major, but to her being totally different to how she showed herself to me.

 

When I met her she was basically living a lie. I helped her get out of that. And I think that the best point of the relationship was when she stopped living that lie and started being herself, unfortunately, then we grew apart, as she was actually taking her own real path, not following whatever path she thought she had to.

[dlkozy1975]

I hear what you are saying but I think that it's another lame excuse by the male gender. My situation is a little different - he married me. There was no double life - all the things he says I didn't like to do - I did and we did do them together, took trips and everything - I just didn't have to do them 24-7 to feel satisfied. He did. Everyone is different in many ways. Obviously you took the time to get to really know her. And that's exactly what I have to keep telling myself. He should've never asked me to be his wife if he had any inclination then that I wasn't the person he wanted me to be - don't mess with people's lives like that. It is not a game!

[heavensent]

Sounds like a lousy excuse to me. It sounds like he wanted to justify him leaving so he used that against you. I'm really sorry this had to happen to you. Especially that he cheated on you. It's obvious that he left to be with this other woman since he is living with her now. It's horrible but you deserve so much better. This is NOT your fault. You can't blame yourself, he is trying to blame YOU to make himself feel better about being such a complete selfish and insensitive JERK! You will find someone who will take his vows seriously, keep your head up!