Taking a break but wants to communicate

[esant]

I just came accross this board and have learned a lot from reading the past threads. My boyfriend and I of 7 months recently got into a huge fight because I felt he was putting me second to hockey. We've fought over it before but never to the point we have this time. I have to admit that I am going through a lot myself with applying to law school and my uncle being killed. It seemed that he didnt really want to be there for me when I needed him because he always wanted to go to hockey. I think we both needed to compromise more on the hockey issue but I blew it out of proportion. I'll admit it, I messed it up. Anyways, thurs I left and told him it was over in the heat of the moment. I talked to him on Friday and he said he wanted to take a break, not see other people, but to figure out how to make things work.

 

I was upset and agreed to that which I am not sure if it was a good idea or not. Saturday comes around and he tries to IM me like we are totally cool. I ignored him and I think it started to get to him because at the end of the night he sent me along IM about his day and txted me goodnight. I made the mistake of talking to him on Sunday. (Should have continued the NC, it seemed easier). We talked pretty much throughout the day on IM and I told him that I felt if we were taking a break that we probably shouldnt talk. Then he brought up that we should look for an apartment still. That conversation progressed a little further then I realized I was just setting myself up for heart. He kept telling me that wasn't what he wanted and he didnt understand why we couldn't just talk normally to each other. He said he still wants to be with me and loves me but needs to figure out how to make it work. He said that I need to work some things out, which I admit I do. I need to work on being more open and discussing issues rather then fighting over them. He said he still needed times to think about things and that I need more then a day to figure anything out for myself. It sort of turned into an argument after that because I brought up the no contact then. He seems hurt and upset taht I cannot continue to just talk to him. I can't do that tho because I feel like I'm giving him his cake and eating it to. I feel lie because he wanted the serious relationship and now he's playing games that I should take it away. I dont know if that's right or not.

 

So I haven't talked to him since Sunday.. I know, that is not very long.. It really hurts and I miss him very much. I see him online but he hasn't tried to talk to me. I know first hand that he has asked his friends what he should do. Whether we should try it again or he should just end it. Most of them told him to end it because I am not worth the hassle. That makes me feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle because the friends dont really want me around. They dont like him being with me because I took one of hte boys away and they dont go drinking with him everynight now. Do I end it completely or give him some time? Should I just continue with the no contact? I would love for him to see that I am trying to change because I really am. Im the first to admit that I need to change but I cant do it overnight obviously. Just looking for some guidance or advice from people who have been in my position.

[DN]

I would love for him to see that I am trying to change because I really am.

 

How is he going to see that you are trying to change if you go no contact?

[esant]

I dont know.. that's a good question. But he only wants to talk to me online and not actually hang out or do anything.. I guess I'm just confused what I should do and how to react.. I Just keep thinking that even tho he says he loves me and wants it to work that break is going to lead to breakup.. I dont want to string myself along to be disappointed

[DN]

I think you should tell him that you will go along with a break but only for a limited time and that you should agree a date by which time you either break-up or decide to get the relationship on track and work out how to make both of you happy.

[bobo85]

First you have to realize that hocky is important to him and if you really care about him you wouldn't make him choose between you and hockey. If you can't handle him making hockey 1st priority then you should just end it with him because he can't give you what you want. Also he asked for a break because he said you guys had to work things out separately. I think you guys just left the problem unresolved. You guys just swept it under the carpet and if you guys decide to try again....the problem is going to be there again. I think you guys need to have an OPEN discussion on exactly what the problem is and how each of you are going to fix things.

[esant]

I tried to make a compromse in regards to the hockey tho. He expects me to go both sat and sun and enjoy it.. but then the next weekend when he doesnt have hockey he doesnt really want to do what i want to do. He makes me choose between seeing him and going to hockey or not seeing him at all. I dont want him to pick me or hockey because that isnt right to ask that of someone. I tried to tell him I think we need to sit down together and discuss everything that we are arguing over and either find a resolution or realize it isnt going to work. He said he doesnt want to do that right now

[neolithic]

i think you should set a specific time to talk, over the phone maybe, so that you can work out your shared issues. maybe every two or three days have a set time to call... so that you're not waiting around saying "why hasn't he called?" or "why is he calling me like this?" that way, you can use all the other time to think about your personal problems. my boyfriend and i are sort of on a "break" and the only thing that has helped me get through my specific problems is time. we still talk on a regular basis but it was giving it time that has helped. aside from that, we have worked on our relationship issues together, when we talked. i don't like to do that over IM, though, because it's impersonal. one person can just leave or, like you did, ignore the other. you can't tell how he's reacting and text just doesn't cut it. maybe eventually you can use IM to just keep in contact and chit-chat, but i think you need to talk about you-stuff over the phone.

[neolithic]

also, all that i've ever read about law school says that you really don't need to have a stressful relationship with unsolved issues at the beginning of your 1L. that will just make it worse and you will get into bad academic habits. you do need to compromise on hockey, though. maybe come up with some plan together.. not forcibly, on either side, but.. a true compromise. communication is absolutely number one!

[Lita43]

Ok Doll,

Here's the deal!

Don't ever take back seat to anyone and I "MEAN ANYONE!!!", so take it from someone who knows!

The cute and the body or whatever is out there and he is "NOT" the only one!

It should never be that hard to have a relationship and know more than plenty of jerks, so don't sell yourself short or act desperate.

The kind of girl a guy wants is one who has self-confidence and (no you don't have to be a beauty queen!)

Someone that's fun, easy going, talkative, has skills of many kinds (or some), be interesting to talk to and down to earth!

Common interests are a "MUST!" and am not a big sports fan.

I refuse to be with someone that has irritating hobbies or intersts, so there is a fine line on what you will accept or not.

The things that I "Hate!" are Deer hunting or any kind of hunting because it is killing animals that "I LOVE!!!"

My husband is now allow to go to Deer Camp if he promises not to "Kill" any animals and can go hang out with the guy's.

Anyway as I am getting off track, don't try to be with somebody that is irritating to you, because it's just a waste of life.

My first husband was really downright "EVIL!" and don't really know what I ever saw in him!

I wasted 9 years of my life on a very bad man and not saying that yours "IS!!!", but you have to look at the whole picture for the future's sake and do you want to be unhappy?

I've been with my present husband for almost 15 years and he is the "Best Ever!!!"

Honey you have time, so don't worry that it won't come around for you again.

Life is such a long hard road and we have to deal with so many hurts and disappointments, but that doesn't mean your life will be without joy!

I will pray that you find your path and don't ever discount the Lord as we all have lessons to learn as badly/hurtly as they may seem. Have "FAITH!!!" It really does conquere all in time!

 

Sincerely, Lita~ XO

[BetterKarma]

esant, think about this...if he wasn't supportive when your uncle was killed and as you are applying for law school, how would he be if you actually had a family with him?

 

Take this as a blessing and focus on your law school application.

 

Good luck!

[esant]

I dont really know that he's not supportive but I know all of that stuff causes me to be emotional.. He always tells me I'm too emotional.. Well there is times when I can't help it.. and I feel bad because I feel like I'm forcing him to care about issues that he may not..

[BetterKarma]

So, now you're confused about whether or not he was actually supportive. And you believe you are emotional because he said so. Esant, if my uncle was killed AND i had to deal with applying for law school, along with other aspects of my life, I would be emotional too.

 

You shouldn't have to feel bad about him taking care of you. That's what a partnership is, you love each other and take care of each other.

 

IMHO, I think with everything that has happened, maybe you should see a counsellor just to vent out and talk to someone who's objective.

[Lita43]

Esant,

If there should be so much compromise in a relationship, then it should never lead to marriage, because there would alway's be too much disappointment and lead to divorce!

Don't get me wrong because compromise is great and all, but is just a word if there are too many things that aren't compatible. Why force it???

Your "TRUE SOULMATE" doesn't have to make many consessions at all, so keep looking. (Anyway, what's the rush???)

Live for awhile, as we grow and change evey year and as the old adage say's "We alway's have the perogitive to change our minds!" And you will!!!!

I wish for all young people to not be in so much confusion as this world has really turned at let us down!!!

I have to laugh sometime's if not to go crazy, because I would rather be living back in the 60's when things were great and simple, but still had the Vietnam war going on.

Since I don't want to be obnoxious or supurlative, do you guy's every just hang out and think of the meaning of life??? Just Lita~