How to deal with sex addicted and affair prone wife? Any advise?

[Mogambo]

Hi all.

Let me introduce myself to you. I am 50 year old; Indian by origin, migrated to one of the developed county in 1998. Now citizen of the country I migrated. I have 40 years old wife married 20 years back & have two sons. I am waiting for heart transplant surgery as my heart is severely damaged one year back as a result of massive myocardial infarct. (Heart Attack)

I came accross this site accidentally & was impressed by the quality of advice offered in most of the scenarios. At the same time, by reading other people's experiences, I realised that I am not alone in what I am going through at the moment. To be honest, the real purpose of writing my problem is to take steam off my chest rather than seeking advice. Of course any input / advice are welcome.

After migration, I started business & incurred heavy loss as a result I became bankrupt. My wife could not cope up with this and became chronically depressed. She is on anti depressant medicine since then. I tried for job but could not get it for want of local experience so eventually I accepted the job offer for Middle East country. However, my wife got teaching job here so I had to go alone to Middle East for a job.

I used to join my family for four weeks after 11 months of working in gulf country. When I was to return third time from Gulf, the airline I was travelling offered 50% discount if I travel one day before my scheduled journey as they had some seating issue. I accepted the offer & did not inform my wife as I wanted to give her surprise. I never knew that going one day earlier, my wife would surprise me. When I reached home at night, I saw my wife in compromising position. My wife's active participation in adultery like her passionate kissing, removing her clothes voluntarily, parting her legs for final assault, to & fro rhythmic motion, her moaning in ecstasy literally humiliated me and was a trauma for me.

Even though I was devastated & hurt, I controlled my anger. I realised that open communication is the only way to go now. I discussed her extra marital relations without blaming her with a view to get her confesses everything. It worked & she confessed everything.

When I departed for the first time to Middle East, her first sexual encounter began in just second week after my departure. So she was being shagged for three years in my absense. I told her that I am ready to forgive her if she promises me to stop sleeping with any man other than me & remain exclusive to me in future. She was reluctant to promise or commit anything. I was surprised as to why she do not want to give up her promiscuity so I took her to the professional counsellor.

Professional Counsellor concluded that my wife is oversexed and has sexual addiction. She can't control her strong sexual urge for 11 months. She has compulsive sexual disorder. Because of her unusually prolonged depression, he sent her to psychiatrics for her mental health assessment. Psychiatrics diagnosed her as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. He said that she uses sex as a coping mechanism to deal with day to day stresses as she has a very low stress tolerance threshold level. He suggested that I quit gulf job & stay with her so that she would not stray. I acted on his advice and stayed back. He again suggested that I take care of her sexual and emotional needs adequately as person with borderline personality Disorder are affair prone.

I saved my marriage by staying with her. One year went well. After that I got serious heart attack. My heart was damaged in the attack. I went through by pass surgery to open up blocked arteries but severe attack damaged heart muscle irreversibly. I can't walk more than 100 meters unless heart is transplanted. Sex is simply impossible with this condition.

What I understand now is my wife is again involved in sex romp. It is on going now. I know she is having good time when she leaves home on different pretext. I have been trying my best to live with this condition and cope with it but when I see love bites on her breast or neck I get traumatised and takes long to get past that helpless feeling. I simply don't know what to do ?

Any advise appreciated?

[SeaBisquit]

i read what you wrote and i think i'm now traumatized. how could you not be? i caught my bf in bed with my bestfriend one night. i got home from work walked into my bedroom and saw both of them getting in on. let me say, i wasn't nearly as nice as you are. it's a vision that i never quite got out of my head.

[RayKay]

Is divorce an option at all for you? Because honestly, I am not sure what more you COULD do. I am worried about the toll this is taking on your physical and mental health. While of course a divorce brings more of that also, this relationship is definitely not helping - I can only imagine what part the stress may have had on your heart health in the first place.

 

Never mind the health risk she has put you and herself at for all these years.

 

I honestly am not sure there is something you can do about HER, she has to want to change and to solve this, and right now it seems she is making little effort and no compromises, while you are doing it all.

 

Of course you are traumatized, this is a horrible position for you to be in. Can you see a therapist for YOU, because I think seeing one for yourself would be very helpful - it is time to think about YOU. That's a start, see what comes of that, and see what advice and guidance they may have for you.

 

Please take care of yourself, I know it's not easy to do, but with your heart health it is very important to try not to bring too much stress into your life. I am sorry your wife apparently is not thinking the same way

[FCTex]

This story just has me... utterly speechless..

 

I don't think I simply have anything to say about this. My God am I just so.. I'm.... Wow...

 

I think you need to focus on you my friend. Your mental and physical health are the top of the priorities, and while you have your best intrest in saving a marriage that it seems the other doesn't want to save.

[fishrrshortae]

OP and SeaB:

 

UGH.. I have nothing to add to the good advice given here, but you both have my sympathies!!

[Mogambo]

it's a vision that i never quite got out of my head.

Thanks for your reply.Seeing with your own eyes makes it flashing in your mind all the time. Most difficult to get rid of this vision.

RayKay

Thanks for your reply.

Is divorce an option at all for you?

I have considered that option too. First of all she is living with Border line personality disorder. She is a patient in the first place. When I got attack, she tried to committ suicide. Impulsive extreme reaction, suicidal tendencies and sexual deviancy are characteristics of BPD. We have invested 20 years in marriage. She is otherwise caring, helping, jolly, humorous, life of the party person. She takes care of my health otherwise. She spent all her money she earned for my hospital expenses. I have realised that life without her is also going to be hell for me. Who is going to look after me if i divorce her? No one would want to marry disabled person. Since i know that I have erectile disfunction as a result of damaged heart, i can't expect to marry any one until I am done with heart transplant surgery.

 

Fctex / fishrrshortae

Thanks for your reply. You guys have made me feel comfortable & i feel quite relaxed after sharing my unfortunate situation with you.

 

Mogambo

[NW Homey]

I know the feeling you have. I don't have a bad heart but I too have a wife the isn't faithful. We are going to divorce. You're case is more severe than ours but in your condition I would have to conteplate a divorce as well. I you did decide to divorce get the children. They don't need to be around a suicidal parent. Concentrate on YOUR health and well being first. By the way I am 54 and we have been married 28 years. This was her second encounter. Thats enough for me.

[pollock]

Considering your age you might be keeping quiet but frankly speaking such intolerance is not acceptable at all. I also feel that you are a calm person which does not allow you to take drastic steps, but then as you say that you cant tolerate this going on and becoming traumatized I guess there is no point in lingering the relationship anymore, you can divorce her and then take the services of a mistress who can take care of you. Why do you have to tolerate this nuisance day after day? There is a fashion of people engaging as swingers but that involves mutual consent, which is not there in this case, so no point at all to carry on a lost cause.

[Royltnxile]

How to deal with sex addicted and affair prone wife?

 

DIVORCE. It's your only real course of action. Nevermind all of her "psychiatric" issues, her depression, her BPD..blah blah blah...she might be nuts, but it's still no excuse for infidelity.

[Locke2121]

I'm sorry dude. But only a strong, virle man can keep your wife satisfied. You can take heart in the fact that she does love you, but is simply unable to control herself. This is not a relationship that can continue. At a time like this, you have to do what is best for both of you. Let her go and try to get yourself better. Divorce is really the only way to go. Sorry.