opinions from all DUMPERS....

[hoping]

well....i've always wondered and i still wonder.....specifically targeted for woman dumpers......but obviously all opinons are definitly welcome!

 

when u dump your significant other from a long term relationship....i know its hard for both sides....but how long does it take for you (the dumper) to start healing? do u miss the person u dumped (if separated on ok/good terms)? if the person u dumped remains NC....would u consider breaking that NC and try to make a contact?

 

basically just wanted to know the dumpers side of the story....emotional wise....assuming that the breakup wasn't becuz of something dramatic (cheating...etc)....

[SeaBisquit]

i dumped a guy three years ago. i'm still not over what i had done to him. he was the love of my life always will be. i'll never get him back. after i dumped him he disapeared off the planet. i have lots of regrets and alot to learn.

[hoping]

did u ever try to make contact?

[SeaBisquit]

hoping,

yes often but never had any success. i heard that he was very hurt by what i had done and never got over it. but he moved on to a new life. i wonder alot if he still thinks of me we were together for a long time.

[hoping]

oh seabisquit lol u give me hope haha dun kno if its good or bad....but its like i have this hope....not right now but maybe sometime down the road (a year? 2 years?) that maybe she will consider getting back together...i dunno thats why i want some dumpers opinions on how they deal

[kellbell]

Hi there Hoping,

 

I have been on both sides of the fence: being dumped and being the dumper. However, I ended a near 4 year relationship this past December and I will give my perspective on what it was like being the "dumper."

 

Background...we met on the internet and hit it off right away and moved in with one another about 6 months into the relationship. (big mistake). He traveled quite a bit for his job so I was on my own quite a bit.

 

Throughout the relationship, I did all the work and all the worrying. I took care of everything and he did very little. I ran the household, paid the bills, made sure the cars had their oil changes, did all the errands, made all the arragements for the vacations, all the arrangements for when we moved (because we moved quite a bit), paid for all the security deposits and application fees for when we did move. I mean I can go on for days. He did not take responsibilty for the relationship and took me for granted. His credit is in shambles and his car was borderline re-possessed three times while we were together. It was re-possessed in the past before I met him. Now, I am in a hefty credit card debt. He was horrible with money among other things and I was terrified about getting a mortgage, etc with him in the future. Instead of feeling a girfriend, I felt like a secretary.

 

Last summer (August 05), my parents started having martial problems (now they are divorcing) and I started having minor difficulties at my job (supervisor related). And from December 2004-July 2005, I worked a second job. So I was working like 70 hours a week. I received very little help from my ex. And when my parents separated, I was devistated. And I began to see less and less of my ex BF. He was working all the time. I truly believe he was trying to avoid me. I was burning out emotionally, mentally, physically. I fell out of love with him. I was truly exhausted from everything. And now, I have this huge credit card debt hanging on my shoulders.

 

So, in the middle of December I ended it. I was tired and sick of it. I mean, my ex and I did have our good times, we went on a cruise, on different vacations, we did day trips. Spend quiet evenings together. But he wanted nothing to do with my life, like my family and friends. He never came to visit me when I worked my second job last year. I was a bartender. He came to see me twice and that is because I asked him too. He was always too tired. And my 10-year high school reunion was last year and we fought. Of all places! Because he was tired. I had to call to remind him the day of to come home early and he forgot about it. I have only been talking about it for weeks. The point is, he did not care about what was important to me, he was too wrapped in his own life.

 

So, December 19th, I had enough. I ended it. I called a friend to tell what happened and when I came back in to get some clothes, he was alseep! I left my apartment and that was the last time I ever saw him or spoke to him. I went to the apartment a few times when he was not there. He did not take the break-up well and he was quite immature about it actually. I am not going to go into details about that however. I did strict NC for 4 months now.

 

He tried to contact me a few times via email and sent me flowers on Xmas eve. I want nothing to do with him. Plus, it would have been icrediably selfish on my end to contact him anyhow. I felt it was the right thing to do. It is what we both needed. The last time I went into the apartment, I knew he was doing ok. I can tell by subtle things in the place that he was ok. Did I miss him? No. I missed having someone around, I did not miss HIM. Did I think about him. Of course. Unless I had amensia or a labotomy, of course I thought about him. I still wonder how he is doing and wondering if he is ok. But I am sure he is.

 

Now, after I broke up with him. I was a mess. I cried a lot. I second-guessed my decision many times. I had an overwhelming urge to contact him. I was plagued by sentitment. I miss my apartment. Now all my things are in boxes in my basement. I felt horrible physically, my joints hurt so bad, I was tired, achy, I had never felt so horrible in my life. I did not want to hurt him but it was inevitable. I was hurting too. Very much so, for many months before I ended the relationship.

 

Do I reget breaking up with him? Absoutely not. Will I take him back? Never. Are we friends? No. Will I ever be friends with him in the future? Cannot say for sure, I suppose anything is possible. No, our break-up was no where near amicable. But his actions made it so. I am much happier without him.

 

So, there you have it, a dumper's perspective. Thanks for reading. Take care.

[hoping]

wow i can definitly see how that was a stressful relationship!!

well just wondering.....if u know FOR A FACT that he has changed positively...and has made huge efforts to become a better person.....and still in love with you......would u reconsider reconcilliation?

[SeaBisquit]

how bad did your relationship end? what were her reasons?

[kellbell]

Hoping,

 

To answer your questions....

 

No. I will tell you why. My ex had a chance to get his act together. He knew how I felt. We talked about it in August. We had a falling out in September. We decided to give it another go. He changed for awhile but as you can predict, he went back to his old ways. So that told me, he was not the guy for me. I am trying to make him be someone he is not. He changed for the wrong reasons, he changed for me and to keep me around. If he changed for himself, he would have never reverted to his old ways.

 

If he makes positive changes in his life...good for him. I wish him nothing but the best...he is a good person. He was not good FOR ME. I can tell you for a fact he is not in love with me because he would not have treated me the way he did when we were together. Also, he was a jerk to me after we broke up. I am not going to disclose what he did...just know his true colors came out and made me more sure than ever I had made the right choice.

[hoping]

my relationship lasted 2 years....i was her first love n she was mine (dunno if that makes a difference)....oh and we're both in university....

 

she basically said that she felt she was too dependent on me (she had a few personal issues) and she was scared when she realized she only "lived" for me (complicated)....and at the same time she said she completely lost the sense of herself....etc....and basically she needed to know she can live for "herself" and be happy for herself....but through all these struggles she also stated that the spark faded....etc....and i am not gonna lie...just like every breakup case....an old guy friend of hers made her realize that....she isn't hooking up or going out with him or anything they just became closer friends during a cottage trip in march break......anyways i dunno...its been a full month of NC...i did write her a letter letting her know how i felt at the beginning and she did write back....but that was the last i heard from her.....

 

basically thats my story....but we were really civil about things....we didn't end in bad terms at all....

[hoping]

kellbell....thanks for sharing.....im definitly keeping ur story in my mind.....but what u said really reminded me to change myself for me........and i am definitly seeing a positive outcome so its good!

[tylercdurden2004]

I would just move on, doesnt sound like you are the one for her. I broke up with my ex 3-4 weeks ago. Although she ultimately decided to end it, it only happened after I gave her an ultimatum so to say. I was the one who really initiated by forcing her to make a decision. We broke up once before and i "got her back". She is not unlike your ex in that i think she just needed to really grow up. I felt like I was her father at times and I was constantly having to "help" her, whether it was to find a job, figure out life etc. I always thought she would come "up" to my level ie think positively about life, take the risks that are essential to make it in life. In the end I just realized i was going to have to come "down" to her level if it was to work, and I saw in some ways she was bringing me down. There is only so much negativity I can take. I was doing all the hard work to make the relationship work, I was the one who worried about her. She only worried about herself and how she was feeling. If she felt down or unsure about life she would just lie down so to say. A realtionship doesnt work like that, yes sometimes either party will be down and need some "help" from the other to get back up, but with us it was always a one way street. I felt like if I ever became down that she would ultimately not be there for me. So even though she made the final decision i really initiated the break up.

 

As the "dumper" I can say this time around has been different for me. Yeah I miss her. I really miss the good times occasionally, we had more good than bad times. But I am not heart broken and I realized the other day that it seems that I am at that point where a relationship is more than good times. Yeah you need to have good times in a realtionship, but they dont make a realationship. I miss her but I feel a lot of relief now that she is not in my life. It sounds cold but really I want more than just good times in my life, thats what my friends are for.

 

your girl sounds like she really needs to experience life for herself, with out you. Move on and dont worry about what she does. Keep at it and evertually that girl will come along who is ready to experience life with you.

[Rob1000]

i dumped a guy three years ago. i'm still not over what i had done to him. he was the love of my life always will be. i'll never get him back. after i dumped him he disapeared off the planet. i have lots of regrets and alot to learn.

Hey seabisquit...When did you realise you'd made a mistake?

[SeaBisquit]

hey rob...after about a month when i had come to my senses and realized what i had said and done. i dumped him out of anger. i said and did things i didn't mean. to late to take it all back now it's all said and done.

[bobo85]

most of the time the dumper is already getting over their "significant other" while they are still in the relationship. So when they do the dumping, they are sad that they hurt another person, but they convince themselves that they are 100% correct in doing so.