Can't End It With Abusive Boyfriend

[Amber Fire]

Ok, I need some honest answers here because now I'm really confused.

 

I was talking to a female friend of mine, and I told her I broke things completely off with my boyfriend. I also confessed to her that, even with a restraining order, I don't feel safe.

 

I told her that if he wanted something done, he'd probably have someone else do it, and have a really good alibi.

 

She told me that, even though I broke up with him, if something were to happen to me now, it would be my fault. She said I should have seen this coming before I ever got involved with him.

 

Well, before I got involved with him, there was no indication that he'd act this way. As for the last year and a half, yes, I saw signs of things that scared me - but I'm out now!

 

So my question is, if I do end up killed/hurt/maimed, was this all my fault for getting involved with him and not seeing some of the signs in the first place?

[coollady1957]

No matter what, have you gotten the restraining order yet ??? If NOT, then do it immediately. I can understand that you will still be scared and afraid. Main thing is get the order anyway. Let the police know, you friends know, your neighbors and family, about what is going on, so that as many people as possible know the scenario in case he did try to harm you.

 

Your friend is wrong ! It will NOT be your fault if this guy does anything to harm you now, hurt or kills you, or has someone else do something to you. Sure maybe you stayed with him longer than you should have, but that still does not make it your fault if he harms you now. Sometimes we do not see what the whole person is like before or in the beginning of a relationship. Its still not your fault. You have parted with him now, so stay that way.

 

Whatever you do, do not see this guy alone. Send his things to him. Do not allow him to come get them if you are home alone and I dont mean just with another girlfriend there. There needs to be some one there that can protect you and help you if he were to come and get them. Ideally you should send his belongings to him some how , after all it is only a few items. I say box them up, mail them to him and be done with it quickly . Do not asnwer phone calls, texts, or emails. You must keep no contact with the person.

 

Do not let him haul you back in to a relationship with him. He is going to do every thing possible, and say everything imaginable to get you to feel sorry for him and go back with him. Keep strong and do NOT give in. If you do, you will end up physically hurt or worse.

 

When you go places, let as many people as possible know where you are going, and when you plan to return. Do not go anywhere alone, if possible have some one go with you to the places that you must go. Be very aware of your surroundings , day and night.

 

Learn some basic self defense tactics, that can at least buy you some time to get away if he or some one tried to harm you. You can probably get a book on it, or even possibly read on the internet about simple self defense moves. YOu can even take a few moments probably and come up with some thoughts such as, kicking in the groin, gouging your fingers in to their eyes, kick with as much force as you can directly into the knee cap. There are many things that can bring any one to their knees and temporarily incapacitate them long enough for you to get away. Buy yourself some mace or pepper spray.

 

This guy just seems to dangerous to trust. He has physically hurt you, beat you, and threw you from the car and left you. This is very scary to me and I worry for your safety. You can not be too careful when it comes to protecting your life.

 

Once again, NO its is not your fault if this guy hurts you again, unless you were to chose to go back to him for some ungodly reason, then you would be most likely confirming your own death sentence . Get the restraining order ! Keep in touch with us here. Everyone is very concerned for your safety and well being.

[RandomAdvisor]

She told me that, even though I broke up with him, if something were to happen to me now, it would be my fault. She said I should have seen this coming before I ever got involved with him.

 

What a terrible thing to say! That is totally NOT TRUE. That is like blaming a rape victim for being raped, which sadly happens often. Ultimately he is responsible for his actions, not you. You would be amazed at the amount of women who would remain with a man like this even after all of the things he has done to you. You are to be commended for leaving him.

[Beyondthesea]

I am completely shocked that your friend would say that! That is completely untrue.

 

The truth is though, when you have broken up with someone abusive now is the time that they will act in horribly inappropriate ways. Now is the time for you to be very cautious and make sure someone knows where you are all the time.

 

If you don't have a restraining order, now is the time to get one. As well, you should be changing your phone number, the locks on your home, and under no circumstances should he be allowed on your property. If you see him lingering around, phone the police immediately.

 

If he manages to get ahold of you, hang up immediately and trace his call. Do not attempt to talk to him or show him how you feel in hopes that he will understand....abusers don't get it. They just don't and never will!

 

link removed go to 'articles' then 'identifying losers in relationships.'

If you haven't read this already, be sure you do. There is also an excellent article on 'stockholm's syndrome: the mystery of loving an abuser.' Both provide some excellent insight.

 

If you need to chat, PM me.

[Miss M]

She told me that, even though I broke up with him, if something were to happen to me now, it would be my fault. She said I should have seen this coming before I ever got involved with him.

This is absolutely NOT true, and she is totally wrong. Don't listen to her because you're NOT responsible for his awful behavior. And really, she has just indicated to you that she is not the person you need to help you through this. There are people who can help, and there are others who are very confused. They just make you feel worse, not better.

 

When I tried to get free of horrible emotional abuse, the only people around me were just like her, those people who criticized me for putting myself in harm's way. It took me a long time, but I finally understood what they were doing, why it was keeping me stuck, how it was harming me. And I started crossing them off my list, one by one. And then I started looking for other types of people who could offer me the understanding, and the nurturing support I needed.

 

In the book, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, he gives information to people who want to help an abuse victim. I didn't have any helpful people around me, but I used that list as my guide to understand why I should get away from the people who weren't helpful. And I used that list as a guide to help me find the types of people I really needed. From it I learned what people should say to me, and I specifically looked for them, and avoided the others. Maybe it will also help you in that way.

 

And this post I wrote in another thread might also help you understand some what's happening with you...

 

[KweenofDenyl]

she has just indicated to you that she is not the person you need to help you through this.

 

Without a doubt. She doesn't know what she's talking about and needs to get educated.

 

Amberfire, you ARE NOT in any way responsible for his behavior. You ARE NOT to blame for not "seeing" that he would end up like this. That attitude drives me nuts--I mean, really, expecting women to be psychic?!

 

Another great book you might want to check out is "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.

[Amber Fire]

Thanks, everyone. I was really starting to wonder if it was somehow my fault, but I couldn't rationalize it; it's not like the guy came with a warning label from the start.

 

My friend has been there to listen when I needed to talk, but knowing that she feels this is my fault, I kinda feel betrayed by her, too. She must have felt this way all along.

 

I'm not playing the helpless victim here. I walked away from my abuser, even though it's hurting my heart. I turned to my friend for support to stay strong, and I feel like she (figuratively) slapped me in my face.

 

I feel guilty because she has listened to me while I've been going through this, but maybe she just wanted to hear the drama. Right now, she doesn't feel like a friend anymore. I may have to distance myself from her, and that makes me even sadder on many levels.

[Miss M]

Do you think if you showed her that link that it would help her understand? Would she would be sympathetic and supportive, or would she continue to criticize. Sometimes you need to teach people how to help you. And sometimes you need to leave them and go elsewhere to get the help you need. I wouldn't recommend that you should expend a lot of energy trying to convince anyone, because that's not good for you either. You're in a healing crisis and you have other ways you should spend your energy. But do try to keep eyes and ears open for those who would be able/willing to help you if they really understood. Now is a time to be especially gentle with yourself, and seek out those who can also offer you the same.

[Tigris]

I agree that it's not your fault and she has no right to say that.

 

You still haven't told us whether you've been to the Police and also got a restraining order?

 

Please make sure you do this.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Amber Fire]

I didn't get a TPO because I found out that he either had to be arrested first or I had to file charges.

 

I don't want to leave the house right now, much less go to court.

[Amber Fire]

I also wanted to add something else. This man thinks he is the sh**.

 

I don't think he will call or bother me unless he's bored or drunk one night, as he will be too busy trying to manipulate and control the other women that he has apparently been seeing.

 

In fact, he probably thinks if he sits back and waits, I'll come to him.

 

Don't worry. I won't.

[Tigris]

I suggest you get one of your friends to move in with you for a few weeks until things quieten down a bit. It'll make you more confident and you'll also feel safer.

 

We still recommend you get that restraining order and talk to the police. You can phone them. They might install a panic device?

 

Good luck and take care.

[Beyondthesea]

I know you think that he doesn't care, but he does. You are damaging his ego by rejecting him and that is something he won't tolerate for long.

 

Definitely careful right now. You never know what someone is capable of until it's too late.

[Miss M]

I didn't get a TPO because I found out that he either had to be arrested first or I had to file charges.

 

I don't want to leave the house right now, much less go to court.

I don't know how the laws are where you live, but this sounds very different than they are where I live. In Saint Louis, one can easily get a restraining order just because one feels unsafe. Who was it that gave you that info about his needing to be arrested or your needing to file charges? It's best to check any information like that with the authorities, or someone who knows for sure. Have you contacted any abuse hotlines in your area? They would likely have accurate info, and can answer your questions. It's a toll-free call, and you wouldn't even have to leave the house.

 

National Domestic Violence Hotline

link removed

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

This website says call this number and they will put you in touch with local services.

 

This guy beat you up pretty badly. You said yourself that he could have killed you. And you wrote that you missed work for a weeK? That's really very bad. And yeah, maybe you're right, and maybe he won't even come back to bother you. But in case he does, wouldn't it be a good idea to get in touch with some knowledgable people who are especially trained in things like this? ... just in case? And they certainly have access to information and resources that can help you understand the best ways to help yourself. We all want you to stay safe, and that loser has proven that he's unpredictable, and capable of a horrible violence against you. And at the least, you could definitely use some counseling to help you heal during this time. Please take good care of yourself.

[KweenofDenyl]

I know you think that he doesn't care, but he does. You are damaging his ego by rejecting him and that is something he won't tolerate for long.

 

This is exactly right. He has lost his "control" over you and will become more unpredictable the more desperate he becomes to regain it.

 

I agree with Miss M--a call to the National DV hotline or a local hotline is in order at this point--it is so much easier to navigate through this with an advocate to help you. Do be careful and take care of YOU. (and have I said lately CONGRATULATIONS! for recognizing, leaving, and being so strong!? You rock.)

[coollady1957]

Also where I live, you do NOT have to have filed charges, nor do they have to have been arrested to get a restraining order. You should do this if you have not already. I think you need to check your info further to see about the requirements for the restraining order. Here we can get one if some one has threatened us, or harmed us, or has such an explosive nature that we feel our lives are in danger or harm.

 

Do not get too comfortable just yet with the thought that this guy will not do anything unless he gets drunk or bored. He is a very dangerous person. You know this already from what he has done to you.

 

Re read my prior post(#28 on this thread ) , to you here on my other thoughts if you do not remember what I has suggested to you about protecting yourself.

[Hope75]

Hi Amber,

 

I'm just catching up with this thread now, but first I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. I also wanted to share with you my story.

 

I lived with and was engaged to a man who abused me for 5 years.

 

He didn't start out that way. At first he was sweet, charming, attentive. Sure, he had a little jealousy of my male friends (so after awhile he made such a stink about me hanging out with them that I stopped) and h was worried about where I was when I didnt' call and check in alot, but I thought it was sweet of him to worry.

 

About a year after we got together, he got rough with me. It started small, he'd grab my arm and yank me when he was trying to get my attention or if we were arguing. He'd throw something at the wall, or punch the wall. He'd yell and call me awful names. I was scared by it- but I thought if I just loved him enough he would see that and change. I thought, "this isn't the person I fell in love with- he's in there somewhere, it must be my fault he's acting this way, I'm provoking him."

 

Gradually things began to get worse. He'd come home drunk, and take a swing at me, he'd slap me, punch me, hold me there while he slammed my arms and legs in the door, and choke me. He also raped me.

 

I was so afraid, and like you I knew it was wrong, but I could not summon the strength to leave him. I was so exhuasted just surviving day to day, that I could not imagine leaving him and starting a new life. He was all I knew, we were together and living together since I was 17 years old.

 

My friends, my sister, and even my boss at the time all gave me a hard time and pushed me to leave my ex. My parents were afraid to say anything, they thought it they did I would not come to them when I was ready.

 

I heard them, but I wasn't ready. I let it go on and on, I left him for a day and went back home the next. My dad would pick me up at the hospital (in the middle of the night sometimes...) and I'd go back to my ex the next day. My ex got arrested (twice) and I let him back in the house both times. I was so thick and stubborn- but I honestly did hear what others were saying, I just wasn't ready to accept it and take action.

 

One night he came home completely trashed. He started throwing me around and he was enraged, looking for something he swore I had hidden (marijuana). I was cowered against the door to our bedroom, which was a cheaply made hollow door. He picked up a bowling ball and looked at me and I did not recognize his face- he was so angry. He said "duck" in this cold voice and hurled it at my head. It crashed right by me and went through the door, less than 3" from my head. I came within 3" of being buried by my parents, at age 22.

 

So one day I saw a talk show on TV, Montel I think. Women were on there who had been abused by their partners or former partners and almost died. One women was doused in kerosene and lit on fire- she had horrible burn scars. Her face looked like a melted candle. Another had been beaten with a pipe or a metal bat by her husband and was left paralyzed. This was shortly after my ex missed my head with the bowling ball. It hit me then that it could have been me in that wheelchair, or my parents burying me.

 

That weekend I got 15 or so of my closet friends, my dad, brother, sister, everyone. They brought trucks and vans and cars. my ex was working a long shift a a new job he had gotten (his 20th or so job since we had lived together, 5 years. He had a major problem with authority.. My friends and I threw my stuff in trash bags, boxed up my two cats and leashed up my two dogs, and in 7 or so hours I was out. I still remember when I called my dad and asked if I could come home, and he, whom I have heard cry maybe twice in my life, started crying and said yes. It makes me cry to think about that.

 

It didn't end there- my ex overdosed that night when he got home and found me gone and was taken by ambulance to the ER. My upstairs neighbor called me about it. I almost went to the hospital, but I knew I would just take him back. I called though, and they told me he was alive, and that was all they could say. After he came home he harassed me and my new bf who I started seeing a little while after- I had to get a restraining order. He eventually gave up though.

 

I just remember when I left him it was like "waking up" from a coma, everything everyone had said came back to me, and I was so in shock that I had stayed... I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

 

It's sad, 8 years later I keep in touch with a mutual friend via email and my ex is married with a little girl and he has beaten his wife several times badly enough for her to be hospitalized and his friends even staged an intervention, to no avail. I weep for them.

 

You did the right thing. You are right that this guy has NO business coming to your house to get his things- sent them certified mail, that way he has to sign for them so you know he got them. Get a friend or your brother, father, someone to go with you and get a protection order. Honey, you need protection, and a record that he has done this to you- please don't let this go.

 

I am here and alive today because I left him and I had to get a restraining order too. I now have gone back to college for the second time since leaving him and am getting straight A's in school. I live with my present bf of 3 1/2 years and he treats me so wonderfully, I am truly blessed.

 

I am so proud that you left him- that was huge- and I hope you are proud of yourself too. BUT... follow this through and get that protective order. I would not put it past him to take this a step further. Women get killed AFTER they leave their abusive partners too.

 

Let us know what happens, ok?

 

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.

 

 

((HUGS))

 

Hope

[Amber Fire]

He called my cell tonight, but I didn't answer.

 

He left a message that went something along the lines of, "I guess we're enemies now, huh? Alright. I don't get it...but ok."

 

I'm suppossed to go back to work in about 13 hours, but I don't want to. Even though my bruises are healing, I still feel sick. I can't keep food down, I can't sleep, and I'm so distraught.

 

I feel like I'm going through some weird kind of post-tramatic stress disorder or something.

 

I feel like I'm about to throw up again. I don't know what to do, and I'm afraid to call some stranger at a hotline...

[coollady1957]

Amber Fire, I understand you are going through a horribly difficult time. Please tell me ,are you going to get the restraining order or not. I think you need to check further in to that. From the best of my knowledge you can do this with out having pressed charges or him having to be arrested first.

 

Try and get a hold on yourself and get things in order to have yourself protected. Once again, educate yourself on some simple self defense tactics and get the mace or pepper spray. DO not for any reason see this guy alone for any reason.

 

You were strong enough to leave this dude, so you ARE strong enough to give the abuse hotline a call. It would surely be in your best interest.

 

I know its scary and hard to do, but please take the next step and call the hotline and also get the protective restraining order.

[Miss M]

I'm suppossed to go back to work in about 13 hours, but I don't want to. Even though my bruises are healing, I still feel sick. I can't keep food down, I can't sleep, and I'm so distraught.

 

I feel like I'm going through some weird kind of post-tramatic stress disorder or something.

 

I feel like I'm about to throw up again. I don't know what to do, and I'm afraid to call some stranger at a hotline...

Sweetheart, we keep urging you to get help, because we know how important that is to keep you safe, and to help you heal. Those at the hotline understand exactly how you're feeling, and they even understand why you're reluctant to call them. They can help you sort out all of those illogical feelings, and if you reach out to them, that uneasiness is likely to be quickly replaced by validation and clarity.

 

And we also completely understand how you're feeling, because we have been there too. I wrote you're in a "healing crisis"... well, you would probably think that in a healing crisis you would feel better, right? But actually, in some ways you feel much worse. Yes, you will feel sick, absolutely... and like you need to throw up. And you are also very accurate in describing it as being like a post-traumatic stress disorder... yes, that's exactly what it is. And I've been emotionally abused, not physically abused, but PTSD is exactly how I also describe my reactions to the powerful triggers that still affect me.

 

And one of the reasons you feel sick is because you finally took the steps to take care of yourself. And taking care of yourself makes you feel sick and terrorized because being abused programs you to feel afraid to take proper care of yourself. Taking care of yourself feels as if you're doing something wrong, like you will be punished for it. Yes, taking care of yourself also makes you feel like he will hurt you. Taking care of yourself makes you feel as if the world it gonna come crashing down. Taking care of yourself is itself a trigger of all kinds of post-traumatic emotions. And that's why you feel sick, because you're going directly against the deep programming. In other words, feeling sick means you really doing something RIGHT. It means you're fighting against the programming. It means you're getting well. And it feels very horrible, but yes, that's a healing crisis.

 

And yes, we urge you to get help, but we also know you can only do as much as your physiology and emotions will allow you. You're your own best judge of your emotional limits. Do as much as you can, pace yourself, come back here to post when you need the support. We're here to help you through this. Sometimes it won't make sense to you. Sometimes the things we say will even set off your triggers, but we hope you can eventually know we're always and only trying to help and support you.

[Beyondthesea]

I've been there too sweetheart, feel free to PM me for a chat! There's absolutely nothing wrong with going for help...calling a hotline number normally gets you in touch with a peer counselor who can also refer to you other free services in your community to help you.

 

You can get through this. Of course you are going through a traumatic time...post traumatic stress disorder can creep up on you after these types of situations if you don't go and get help. I'd recommend doing so sooner rather than later.

[Amber Fire]

Just a little update on my situation. I didn't get a restraining order, but at this point, I don't think I need one.

 

My ex is still calling my cell phone everyday, though. Sometimes he'll leave a message, but nothing threatening...more like he's trying to get me to respond.

 

He has said things like, "You must have had a boyfriend this whole time, and that's why it's so easy for you to get over me now." and, "They (my friends) must have turned you completely against me."

 

He still doesn't see that it was his own behaviour that let me know I had to leave.

 

Anyway, I haven't seen or talked to him. The last time he called my cell phone was about an hour and a half ago.

 

I don't even think he realizes (or is willing to admit to himself) that it's really over yet.

[RandomAdvisor]

I didn't get a restraining order, but at this point, I don't think I need one.

 

 

Everything you said after that sentence is more proof you NEED TO GET A RESTRAINING ORDER. He is rationalizing the breakup and putting none of the blame on himself. He is starting to think you've been cheating on him the whole time. He's calling you everyday. He's a violent man. How long until he shows up at your house with a knife or a gun saying that if he can't have you no one else can? Is your life not worth the time it will take to go down to the police station or court house to get a restraining order?

[Miss M]

Thanks for giving us an update, Amber. I've(we've) been wondering how you're doing.

 

 

He has said things like, "You must have had a boyfriend this whole time, and that's why it's so easy for you to get over me now." and, "They (my friends) must have turned you completely against me."

This is VERY typical, and he's VERY deluded. At the core of an abusive person is the inability to take responsibility for his actions. Yes, he needs to blame it all on other people in order for him to allow himself permission to mistreat you. Yeah, he's in very bad shape. And he's really displaying all the classic signs. No matter what else you do or don't do, I hope you never get sucked back into this one.

 

Have you been able to go back to work yet? And have you begun to resume other "normal" activities with family and friends? I hope you've been able to begin to leave the house again. You shouldn't stay a prisoner in your own home because of this guy. And you shouldn't stay isolated for too long. Getting back around other people is also a very important part of healing. And their emotional support is also very important for you.

[Miss M]

I don't even think he realizes (or is willing to admit to himself) that it's really over yet.

Another thing worth mentioning... You're right that he doesn't realize it's over. And whenever he begins to accept that it's really over is when he's likely to panic and get violent again. His staying in denial is really a way for him to control his anger. And when he gets to a point where he can't deny it any longer, when reality begins to sink in, he's likely to panic and violently lash out. That's why we're so concerned about you getting the restraining order. The RO gives you (and the police) an extra measure of control over him. Even if he never lays a finger on you, or never threatens you again, he can simply be arrested just for coming near you. It also causes the police to consider your calls to them a priority. And it gives the police the leverage and the power to arrest him quickly before he gets close enough to hurt you. And without the restraining order, you have much less power to have him quickly removed from your presense.