I don;t want to hurt her but it just isn't working out

[SpyderE]

not really a question, just voicing my thoughts. Feeling bad about knowing she will be hurting.

 

I would do anything to make this easier on both of us, I know this will crush her but I know it isnt fair to continue unless I am into the relationship also. I have had my heart crushed in the past and absolutly hate to put anyone through it.

The girl I am seeing is a good person, she has alot of things that she is trying to deal with right now and has been since the beginning of the relationship. I have tried at this point to help but it does not seem that she wants to help herself, among other things she did not have a job for 2 months and didn't really try to get another one, then complained about not having any money and that things were getting tight for her... I believe in self reliance, I have a really hard time with anyone who is just looking for a free handout, granted there are situations where stuff happens and peoples need help.

 

All in all I am looking to move on, I can't continue down this path, I will just end up frustrated and angry at myself and her, it's not fair.

 

I really don't want to hurt her but I am going to have to call it quits, probbably tomorrow night.

 

To all those out there having tough times, it isn't easy on either side, god only knows it seems like the world is going to end sometimes, but believe it or not life will go on and you will find happiness again. I am still searching to replace the hole in my heart but I will find the right girl.

[melrich]

Hi Spyder,

 

Being the dumper is tough too.

 

If you know you have to do it, do it quckly and do it with finality. It may seem harsh but in the long run it will is the kindest thing for her.

[Meow18]

I agree with melrich.

 

There is no way you can do it without hurting her. That's just one of the unfortunate things about breaking up with someone.

 

The only thing is, don't lead her on. Don't tell her that you care about her and love her.. but then break up with her 2 hours later. The quicker you just tell her how you feel, the better it will be on her.

[mystik]

The only thing is, don't lead her on. Don't tell her that you care about her and love her.. but then break up with her 2 hours later. The quicker you just tell her how you feel, the better it will be on her.

 

Yes, do NOT do that. My ex did that and it made me so angry. I knew we were having problems, but him starting the conversation normally, gave me hope that everything was maybe going to be okay. Do not start the conversation with the usual "hey honey" or "darling" or any of that..because as soon as my ex broke up with me I was like "WHY in the world would you call me your baby then proceed to tell me you want nothing to do with me?" Very strange I say...makes it a lot more upsetting I think. If she asks, "a break or a break up" just be firm with your decision - it will certainly help her move on easier.

[kadvati79]

At the danger of being wrong, can I say this.

 

If you do love her, I think you say that. The lack of love is NOT why you are breaking up. Tell her why. If there is no hope (and you should really only end it if there is none), then tell her that too. But be honest about your feelings.

 

My ex left out the fact he loved me because he wanted to spare my feelings - know what it did? It made me question the ENTIRE last two years, every moment he said he loved me etc... it left me with a very messed up sense of love until i found out he actually did love me - but he just couldn't continue to hurt himself and me at this present time.

 

Thats my two cents anyway.

 

I say be honest about feelings, but be final too. As they say in public speaking... "stand up, be brief, be seated".

[keenan]

But if you tell her that you love her, don't tell her that you're not IN LOVE with her. That line deserves to turn to dust, even if it's true.

[Meow18]

Basically the main thing is to just be honest. Maybe you do love her, but you just think there are too many other things that you just can't handle anymore. Sometimes people have to break up with people they still love for other problems.

 

If she has questions, and chances are she will, just be honest about your nswers. Although sometimes we would rather lie just to make the other person feel better, she deserves the truth. And in the long run, it really will be better for her.

[mystik]

My ex left out the fact he loved me because he wanted to spare my feelings - know what it did? It made me question the ENTIRE last two years, every moment he said he loved me etc... it left me with a very messed up sense of love until i found out he actually did love me - but he just couldn't continue to hurt himself and me at this present time.

 

I say be honest about feelings, but be final too. As they say in public speaking... "stand up, be brief, be seated".

 

Wow I had never even thought of that. I think this can go both ways...my ex told me he still loved me and it upset me even more. I got angry at him for saying that. I told him to stop saying he still had feelings for me, because if he did, he wouldn't be breaking up with me. I realize he wasn't lying...but in a way, I didn't want him to have felt like he had to say that. I guess, bottom line is, no matter how you do it, it's going to hurt. It's going to make them question everything - but I guess you have experienced being on the other end as well so I don't need to tell you that

[kadvati79]

my ex told me he still loved me and it upset me even more

 

Of course you were upset, you were ALWAYS going to be upset. And the fact he loved you made you wish that he would try harder. But love isn't everything unfortunately. But at least he was honest about his feelings (we assume), cause it takes at least a little guts to tell the person you love that you just can't go on.

 

But at least he didn't destroy the memory of love you had, I don't know, maybe its scemantics but I think theres an important distinction there. For me at least.

[Emotional]

tell her straight up...she'll respect you more knowing then you dragging her with out an explanation...

 

goodluck to you and the girl!

[daffycat]

I am torturing myself at the moment with the questions of 'do I do it first, or do I hang on in there until things are so bad he dumps me'...I wish I had the courage to make a clean break..

 

...if you can't see things getting better, sorting out your problems (i.e. her lack of job and motivation), and that this situation has wrecked the love you feel for her, then, my friend, it is time to rip off the band aid quickly and cleanly...

 

...yes it hurts SO much, but it will be better in the end. Be firm, try not to cry or be emotional, and above all be very, very clear to her WHY you are doing this.

 

I always make myself the dumpee in these situations, because I am always too too scared to make the final decision...I always want to think that there is a little bit of hope left. But in the end, this just makes things much, much worse.

 

If you have finally decided to do it, then do it with courage and tact, and don't think the worse of yourself for being the dumper...both sides of the coin are incredibly difficult, but it is just one of these things that happens in life.

 

Good luck!

[kadvati79]

Daffycat makes a good point. An early break actually preserves the relationship at more or less a happy state. Not only does it keep those memories as fond ones eventually (once the pain goes away), but who knows? Maybe you could end up as best buddies in the future? Or twenty years later reunite? If you wait for it to implode and destroy itself then you really run the risk of destroying something in your past that was beautiful.

 

If there is hope, acknowledge that to yourself. But you probably don't want to let her know because thats just too painful and will hold her back.

[SpyderE]

So we had our conversastion last night, went through the crying and tough questions, she fell asleep at my house and then left this morning. About 9 this morning I get a call and she says she'd pregnant... I don't know if this is a game or what. it is possible that she is, anything's possible. I can't tell if she's playing games or what but I am very confused right now and need a bit of advice. If she really is then we will do what I have to do, it's a part of the game. Sex is a risk and ya have to accept the consequences.

 

I love kids but not right now. But is it's time then so be it.

[Meow18]

Yikes. How long has she known she was pregnant?

 

Like you said, if she is, then you have to be there for the child. It's always hard when you break up with someone, but just try to have a non-hate relationship with your ex. Right now it's all about the baby and what's best for him or her.

 

If she really isn't pregnant, then I would say that you are lucky to have broken up with her. That's a cruel joke to play. It's just not right.

 

Have you asked questions to look into it more? Has she been to the doctor?

[SpyderE]

She says she has been to the doctor, I asked her when did she go and she said last week, I asked her why she didn't talk to me about it and she said cause she didn't want me to worry, I asked her if she had the test results from the Doc and she said she had not gotten them on paper yet, apparently she got the info over the phone this morning...

 

Too much of a coincidence though, I dont know what to do really, Hate to say it bit I am a bit scared and trying to figure out what to do next. I guess just start saving up. I do enjoy kids but want to have them with someone I truly care for and PLAN to have them... that's not always how things work out though, so we take things as they come and go from there.

 

I am still questioning the whole thing though, strange timing on the whole thing.

[piccu]

Hi Spyder,

 

Your story sounds very similar to mine.

 

I posted the following message to the forum some days ago:

 

 

I got some helpful advice and last weekend decided to make the break and get it over with. Much like yourself I had been agonising about my situation for some time. Breaking up with someone you genuinely care for is terribly hard. We had grown very close and I considered her one of my best friends.

 

Anyway, I called to her place at the weekend and rather than just doing it the minute I walked in I let it slide and planned to talk to her once we were left alone. (You can probably see where this is going)

 

She quietly informed me that she was "late". This knocked the wind from my sails to say the very least. I was stunned. We were always careful and I simply didn't know what to say or think. Needless to say my planned talk was kicked into the bin.

 

As it turned out she was not pregnant. A new pill had messed with her cycle and all is cool again. However, I am back to square one in that we are still together. I still feel the same way. I want to bring it to an end but now, with the added drama from last weekend, it has suddenly become even more difficult.

 

We have planned to travel to see her friends and family this weekend and I simply can't see an opportunity to sit down with her before then so I think I will travel and do what is needed next week.

 

I hope you have got your situation sorted out Spyder. It does sound like horrible luck if she is indeed pregnant but you sound like a very decent person and I'm sure you will make the correct decisions.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

P