what to do -

[dreynolds]

I met an amazing woman recently - who lives out of town, and is married - but we have really hit it off. Her marriage is coming to an end - but she is still with him, and is still married.

 

We are seeing each other again tonight - and as much as I am not one to get involved with another mans wife - we want to maek a go of "us" - but she wants things to go much fartehr tonight....and I'm trying to figure out if I adjust my thinking and just "live for the moment".

 

Part of me does not want to be "that guy" getting involved with another mans wife - another part of me just can't let it go!

 

Advice?

[yeawutever]

Yes, you shouldn't be with a married woman. If she says she wants to leave her marriage then she should have done so. It really wouldn't be fair to her husband and if they got children, then it'll wreck the relation and it'll be dramatic.

[BellaDonna]

Her marriage is coming to an end - but she is still with him, and is still married.

 

If this is true, then I would tell her you want to be strictly friends until the divorce proceedings are final. If she can't respect that then she is likely not really planning to leave him and just wants to string both of you along.

 

Keep in mind if you do ever form a relationship with her- you might have some major trust issues, based on the way this whole thing started, with her being a married woman and cheating.

 

BellaDonna

[vesper]

I know it is sometimes difficult to control what our hearts are saying to us, believe me I know.

 

I would caution this..she is freshly coming out of a marriage, she may be using your affection as a way to help her deal with her split. If you want a real future with her I would take things slow.

 

Take care...

[dreynolds]

Exactly - which is why her and I are talking about this right now. Neither of us are that type of person - but it's hard when we see each other. We were supposed to get together tonight. I told her that if she wanted to make a go of this together, then she would have to end things with her husband first - but until then, I wouldn't feel right - i don't watn to be "That guy". If this is just a wham bam type of thing - then it's different - what did you want? She wants to make a go of us - so I think we both agreed that we probably shouldn't see each other tonight....

 

This sucks...

[RandomAdvisor]

Stick to your convictions. Don't compromise your values in this situation. Waiting until the divorce is final is the right thing to do. BellaDonna makes an excellent point about her possibly stinging you along. If her marriage is really over and she really wants you, she'll be that much more motivated to end the marraige quickly.

 

If she's a good woman you deciding that sleeping together is not the best option at this point will make her respect you even more. If she's not, she wont be calling anymore. Either way you will know you've made the right decision.

[amtjrtcet]

Don't do it. Put yourself in her husband's shoes. How would you feel if another man was intimate w/your wife? Even if the marriage was coming to and end. And what does that say about her values?

 

If you really like her, and want more then just an affair, I'd try not to have much contact w/ her until she is divorced. It will be better for everyone involved.

[heavensent]

A lot of people who have affairs string their "fling on the side" along by telling them they have every intention of leaving their spouse when that's really not the case. I agree with others in the fact that if she was going to leave him, she would have. I think that you need to tell her that you can't take things any further until she has ended things with her husband. It is morally wrong on both of your parts to pursue a relationship while she is in a marriage. You seem to feel the same way as you are reluctant to take things to the next level with her. Do the right thing and give her the ultimatum, you will then know how serious she REALLY is about you. If she does not leave him, you need to let her go and move on.

[WildChild]

Just remember, Karma has a way of coming around.

[yeawutever]

Don't really believe in Karma, but do believe in "What goes around, comes around" cliche.

[renaissancewoman101]

I do agree with everybody else, getting involved with a married person is not a good thing. You dont want to be known as a side item and when she does finally leave the marriage, are you sure you can trust her to stay with you and make it work out with you considering she was looking to cheat with you while she was married?

[dreynolds]

Thank you all for your post(s) -

We've talked this morning - and as much as we would like to see each other tonight, we agreed we wouldn't. She'll call later - we'll talk for a while, about all this. Bottom line though - she totally understands where I"m coming from.

 

We want to start spendign time together - and the only way we can do this is for her to talk to her husband when she returns, bring that to a close. After that - we can take things slowly, a day a time. She agreed 100 percent!

 

She doesn't want this to start off this way - and either do I. So we agreed to talk - and be good.

 

Thanks again for all your advice!

[WildChild]

Very sensible

[NW Homey]

It is good you were able to slow things down. However, I still caution you to really evaluate your relationship. Who initiated the contact in the first place? If it was her, she might need to look into the possibility of having a love addiction. This is very similar to what my soon to be x did when we got together. She didn't want to do anything very physical until she left her husband, which she did do. The problem is she has done this with every relationship she has been in. I was too stupid to see the writing on the wall. She might also have codependancy. Check these out. It would be good for you both to know where you stand on this issue. IT just may help you to be the last one she would ever need. If you initiated the inital contact I still recommend you both give the relationship a chance to settle before picking up an serious movement. She must be on her own before you get together. A final and maybe harsh note: You said neither one of you are like that. If you have been having feelings for each other and have started making plans that way - you ARE like that. As soon as she started having feelings for you she should haave broken off your friendship. Once she left her husband then she would be free to contact you and you could start fresh.

[dreynolds]

Thanks for your post, NW Homey -

I agree with you - but I believe there is a big difference between talking/saying and actually doing. I have respect for her husband, her and myself!

 

We talked last night - and the first thing she said to me was how she had a lot of baggage right now and that we can't just jump into something because there is that whole period of adjustment that is required. She doesn't watn the rebound relationship - or me think that's what this is.

 

We both pretty much said at the same time that she can't be ending her marriage because we met - we both know that. This has been goign on for a while with her husband - and the last thing she expected, and I expected, was taht something like this would happen. The first day we saw each other, there was something - and it has only been building ever since. WHo initiated it - we both did I guess - and at the same time - neither of us - it just happened.

 

As much as she wants me to wait for her to get this sorted out - she also knows that she cannot ask me to do that. I can't "wait" for her - put my life on hold while things get sorted - which is why we both made a deal that no matter what happens, first and foremost - we're friends....

 

Time will tell I guess.....only time.....

Thanks again

[WildChild]

Don't really believe in Karma, but do believe in "What goes around, comes around" cliche.

 

That's the Karma Wheel

[lovecrazy]

You are setting yourself up for huge drama. I honestly would tell her if she wants to be with you to leave her husband...and get a divorce.

 

If she is already cheating on her husband, what makes you think she wont do that to you? I mean you havent explained their marriage. So I dont mean to sound blunt and un-caring....