Rebound? Distraction? Female Perspective Please!!

[acb_22]

My girlfriend broke up with me on February 17th ... I'm still a mess from it, but that's another thread. Initially, she had asked for 'space' and said that she felt 'smothered.' This quickly turned into - 'let's date other people.'

 

She's been dating her co-worker now for the past month or so ... going out pretty much every Saturday night, and Sunday night ... as well as several times during the week.

 

While nobody knows what's going on in her head right now (not even her, but she won't admit it) ... is this typical for a girl getting out of a 2-year relationship?? To start dating so quickly?? The same guy?? Does this have the makings of a rebound??

 

She told me when we had the talk that she loved me, and cared for me ... but wasn't sure she was 'in-love' with me. thereforeeee, she wanted some space to do her thing ... and was expecting me to be receptive as well. She feels that if it's meant to be, we will get back together ... when it's right. Just a side note - her parents are divorced, and have been remarried multiple times ... she's told me in the past, that when she gets married, she wants him to be the ONE. FOREVER.

 

I'm still hung up in the past ... just wondering (from a female's perspective), if this is typical behavior of a rebound? Is she looking for a distraction? Looking for a fun partner/mate to go out, watch movies, drink, etc.? While I don't know for sure, when I've asked her if they are 'serious' she said NO. I know that they have kissed ... but when I've asked her if they've been intimate, she said NO. She hasn't lied to me in the past ... and I'm not sure if she's lying now to not hurt my feelings, or if it's reality.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated

[redhook]

Well I am not female I can tell you with certainty this is a rebound. It is typical behavior for any sex looking for a rebound. She is confused and lonely and will attach herself to him because he is there. My ex wife did the same thing after 8yrs together. Within 3 weeks she was dating someone else and as I predicted it did not last. She then jumped right into another relationship with a buddy of mine and is now engaged! Talk about codependecy. To sum it up, yes this is a rebound. You cannot throw away 2 years together.

[amtjrtcet]

Do you think the co-worker was already in the picture b 4 you 2 broke it off? Kinda sounds that way to me. But if she's never lied to you in the past, maybe she's not lying now....It is very soon for her to be really serious with someone. Its possible he's just the rebound guy.

 

My suggestion is NO CONTACT. Obviousy the 2 of you talk for you to know so much about all the time she's spending with her co-worker. Its only going to hurt you more and slow up the healing process if you continue to communicate with her.

[acb_22]

She's been very honest during this whole process ... which definitely hurts, but keeps things into perspective. She told me that there was NOBODY when we broke up ... or as she referred to it as 'separated.'

 

However, she started going out like crazy with her new friends (she just started a new job) ... and I guess she started to get attention from one person in particular ... she said that if she saw him on the streets, she wouldn't look at him twice ... but he's so nice, and so helpful at work.

 

We obviously talk too much ... we're still very close. I'm 29, she's 26. She's quite mature for her age ... about 3 months ago ... we were talking marriage, babies, baby names, etc. Since she started her new job, it has completely consumed her ... that's all she can think about, that's all she has on her mind.

 

I figure, that's all she has in common with this guy ... She's been struggling at work as of late though ... and they are talking about moving her from one position that's VERY stressful to one that is more laid back. So I'm hoping with the reduced level of stress, she can start to think more clearly ...

 

I agree - 2 years, down the drain ... so quickly??? I hope not ... she was VERY specific when we had the talk that this was a separation. I hope that still holds true ... Additionally, the ball is in her court ... I don't want to smother her, and push her further away ... thereforeeee, 90% of the contact we have, is initiated by her ... I just don't want to get to be her 'best friend.'

[vesper]

... just wondering (from a female's perspective), if this is typical behavior of a rebound? Is she looking for a distraction? Looking for a fun partner/mate to go out, watch movies, drink, etc.? While I don't know for sure, when I've asked her if they are 'serious' she said NO.

 

acb_22 - from what you have described here, this is definitely a rebound relationship. However that does not mean that it could not turn into something serious eventually. Sorry to be so harsh, but that is the truth.

 

She has asked for space, so give it to her. No contact is a good idea and generally if you want any hope of getting her back you have to show her that you are having the time of your life without her.

 

Good luck!

[kellbell]

Hi there abc,

 

I remember your first post...

 

 

I just can't believe you are even talking to her. I was extremely horrifed by your first post here. IMO, when anyone moves on quite quickly (male or female), it is an indication that he/she was over the relationship long before it actually ended.

 

I believe you need to stand up for yourself and stop being this girl's doormat. What she does from now should not matter. This is why you are having a difficult time with this, you are still wrapped up in her life and her business. The only why to move on and get rid of the pain gradually is hard core NC my friend. Her behavior in the past is extremely appauling to me and does not deserve two words from you. Let her have her space and figure out what she wants. You deserve better than this, honestly.

[amtjrtcet]

It definitely sounds like her co-worker is a rebound. Has she said that she wants the 2 of you to get back together someday, since the initial break up? If not, I suggest putting away the idea of the 2 of you getting back together, not giving up on it, just put it away. Concentrate on yourself, go out with your friends, take up a new hobbie, meet new people-don't 4 get about her, just take some time to focus on you.

[Süsser Tod]

I wouldnt be so quick to jump into the rebout bandwagon.

 

I would agree mostly for the dumpee to jump quickly into a rebound, but most of the time for the dumper it is not a rebound.

 

My own story. I was with my GF for almost 4 years. Last year around Sept. my brother injured his back, and we took him to he hospital. His gf came, and her sister was with her. The sister is now my gf, when I saw her walk into the cofee shop at the hospital I wished I could be with her, treasured the moments I spent with her that day at the hospital, but the reality was, I was involved on a long term relationship, that was doing awfully, but I wanted to save it.

Fast forward 5 months, I couldn't take it anymore, so I dumped my 4 years gf, as after trying for almost two years to keep that relationship alive I could not stand it anymore.

I got to the point where I couldn't stand her anymore, she was even disgusting to me, sex was nothing more than a chore, etc.

 

Do you think I was going to rebound about that?

 

Hell no! I just did what I should have done since last year, and I went after that other girl.

 

And no, I didn't broke up with my ex because of the new gf, I broke up with my ex as I realized that the relationship end was long due, and maybe, I had tried to save it and kept it on life support for too long just because of my fear. At some point I realized it was better to be alone than in that relationship, both of us deserved better, my ex deserved someone that loved her, not to be madly in love for a guy that could not stand her, and I deserved to love someone, with all my heart, not just be with someone for pitty.

 

 

I saw my ex last Sunday, I still had some of her stuff, she cried, I felt bad for her, but I don't regret, not even a little bit what I did.

 

 

All of this just to tell you one thing, don't try to home false hope, let her go, she may end up marrying that guy, or he may end up cheating on her, or anythign can happen, and it is not your business.

 

Your thing is to get out of the hole you've kept yourself in, and trust me, there will be someone else better for you out there.

 

Let me tell you something, how much could she love you if she left you? You deserve better than that, not because it is you, just because everybody deserves to be loved, not to be played with.

 

 

 

 

 

 

WOHA!!! I remember that! No, this guy is not a rebound, sorry, but she hasn't been with you for way too long before you noticed.

[acb_22]

Michelleth: She hasn't mentioned us getting back together ... she's putting her faith in fate ... that if it's meant to be, it will happen. During the early stages of our breakup/separation, I was talking about getting back together with her quite often ... and she wanted to hear none of it ...

 

Kellbell: You're right ... I do deserve better. However, I'm not really processing the actions that she's doing right now ... I'm thinking about the past, and how all of our ducks were in a row. I probably need someone to smack me out of this funk ... because it's not healthy. Whether this is a rebound or not, I'm starting to face reality ... slowly.

 

Obviously I wish things were different ... I'm just having a hard time ...

 

Thanks,

Alex

[kellbell]

Alex,

 

".. I'm thinking about the past, and how all of our ducks were in a row. I probably need someone to smack me out of this funk ... because it's not healthy. Whether this is a rebound or not, I'm starting to face reality ... slowly."

 

It is not healthy and sometimes, very oddly, we are glutton. This is a phase. We go through all kinds of phases after break-up...this very normal. I know this is very hard because you care, you have a good heart, and that you DID have all your ducks in a row. But, all that is the past and now it is time to line YOUR ducks in a row. You can do this...you just need to give yourself a break. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all have been through it.

 

Take it one day at a time and post here often. I would love to know how you are doing.

 

(((hugs)))

[Süsser Tod]

Michelleth: She hasn't mentioned us getting back together ... she's putting her faith in fate ... that if it's meant to be, it will happen. During the early stages of our breakup/separation, I was talking about getting back together with her quite often ... and she wanted to hear none of it ...

 

False hope, it aint going to happen, but she does not has the courage to tell it straight to your face. And you seem to be a good and reliable safety blanket, so it could be her lack of courage, or her not wanting to lose her safety blanket. But future boyfriend on her list you aren't.

[amtjrtcet]

I agree, I know it hurts but it doesn't seem like she has intentions on the 2 of you getting back together. She's moving on and stringing you along as a comfort blanket. Don't allow yourself to be treated this way. Cut off all contact with her. And if she asks why, tell her.

 

Good luck