What to do with people you no longer want to hang out with...

[thefireisoutanyway]

Hello,

 

Man, I'm on a roll today. (This is my 2nd post of the day, completely unrelated to my first topic.)

 

The situation is kind of not complicated, so I shall explain a bit...

 

I am currently a graduate student. When I was an undergraduate, I spent a lot of time with my roomate and the people that lived in the dorm. At first, it was just me and my roomie. But the group expanded, and now it even has a name, which will not be mentioned...

 

So I spent a lot of time in the group. I'm considered as one of the founding fathers, or something to that degree, even though it was really my roomate who founded everything. I moved out of the dorms, but I still kept in touch with the group, attending a lot of their "festivities" and such.

 

Things got a bit more complicated when I started going out with one of the members of the group. Long story short, we broke up, and shortly after, I almost completely stopped hanging out with these guys.

 

Now, there are few factors here that made me stopped hanging out with these guys:

 

1) I'm a graduate student. I have an advisor, who owns my soul, and must work my * * * off for my degree.

 

2) I still have feelings for my ex, and I think it'd be best if she and I are kept separate as much as possible.

 

Now, there is a 3rd factor, which I now know for a fact that it has absolutely NOTHING to do with my ex. And that is:

 

3) I have grown tired of this group and the things they do. I no longer have any interest to participate in their activities. More than half of the people that come to these group gatherings, I find them annoying, obnoxious, one-dimensional, and awkard to talk to. I can't talk to any of them because all they talk about is _____ and _____ and _____, and frankly, I don't give a damn about it.

 

I spoke to my ex recently, and she told me that she hasn't been really doing stuff with the group either, mostly because of her work.

 

So here's the question that's been bugging me:

 

1. Should I or should I not talk to my old roomate, who I consider as the closest friend among all the people in the group about this? That is, how I've outgrown the group and no longer part of it? And my ex isn't really the reason I stopped coming to the group?

 

2. Should I also explain this to my ex?

 

(Part of the motivation for bringing this up has to do with the fact I fear that some people have been pointing their fingers at my ex for me no longer actively participating with the group. (I've missed two major group "events.")

 

I've also did/said a lot of hurtful things to her when we broke up, and I don't want her to feel guilty or think that I hate her or anything like that.)

 

3. How do I deal with these people now that I find them so irritable, including my supposedly "close friends"? Do I keep snubbing them until they grow sick of me, or...?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated =)

[robowarrior]

Just leave...

 

Your not married to them, you don't own them a justification, you have free will, you can stand and go with whomever you want to, bring the power of your life back where it belongs, namely into your own hands.

 

Out of sight is out of heart, thereforeeee if you don't see them the less the bond will be, and in addition to that if you ever see one, just be nice, but rejectfull towards any thing they might suggestion. They'll leave you if you decline constantly + it would be wise to say im not interested. That way you'll give a clear signal that you've had it.

[chai714]

When you have less in common with someone, you're less likely to spend time with them. Right?

 

I doubt they're taking offense to your absense.

 

To answer your questions:

 

1) Talk to him if you want, don't talk to him if you don't want. No need to explain to him or try to justify why you haven't been around. If you want to hang out with him, then do it - he's not attached at the hip to this group so if he's any kind of friend he'll hang with you one on one.

 

2) Your ex - again, no need to explain or try to justify. If you want to clear your conscience, write a journal or pray to your God. Depending on how long ago you said these "hurtful things" will guage the effectiveness of your apology, if you were to apologize. Generally, you should always apologize IMMEDIATELY after you realize you were wrong. The sooner,the better. If you did something that happened months ago, then it's your call.

 

3) Sounds like you're just growing up. I see nothing wrong with cutting out the clutter in your life. Don't purposely make them have bad feelings toward you. They won't blame you for living your life - afterall, you're pursuing your goals! Good luck.

[Third Wheel]

I'd say try talking to that "closest friend" of yours. If you two were that close, then hanging outside of the group shouldn't matter. Also, your clan/cult/group ( ) members are all still undergrads, right? And what about your closest friend? Maybe once he becomes a grad student, he'll outgrow them with you. I wouldn't snub all of them completely, just keep a casual contact with them, incase they ever decide to change.

 

I don't think you have to explain yourself to all of them, but maybe try letting your friend know how you feel. He might even agree with you. Don't cut off all connection with them, but maybe just back off a little. You know, "wean" yourself off the group, show that you're outgrowing them?