too much love can kill you?

[mult]

hi all I'm writing this because I need to vent, although advice is welcome

 

I'll be as simple as I can; I met a girl on the internet five odd years ago, who lived a long, long way from me. We went through what were probably a couple of teenage crushes, fell apart, emailed again, remained friends with some potential for something more, until...well, last year things got pretty intense again. I visited her on a short visit and then she visited me for a couple of weeks.

On those visits; things escalated, and we were lovers, i can't think of a better word. She was, is, a wonderful person - she's awesome. She's fun, has great taste, great humility, great empathy and understanding... and just fundamentally good. And both times, being with her and in her presense was so intoxicating, really, by force of who she was, that I could place the physical on a lower shelf..for a time.

 

But somehow, with time...well, both times by the end of the visit, i began to have really strong feelings of, 'I'd rather be friends with this person than lovers'. I love her - but as a great, great friend. physically it just doesn't work for me: if she was drop-dead gorgeous, I'd quite probably feel differently. and that may just be the shallowest thing I've ever admitted to. I'd love to hang out with her, love to go through life with her at my side - as one of my closest friends. but as lovers; although the illusion holds at first, sooner or later my shallow male side wakens and i can't sustain the physical attraction.

 

But somehow, waking up to that realization in the middle of all tha physical, I couldn't tell her this. She feels so strongly about me that it almost scares me. words like 'fated' 'forever' 'one and only' and so on are used with so much conviction I cant doubt their sincerity or consideredness. I felt that to say, sitting naked on the bed with her, 'I don't feel this way about you' would be more painful than she could take - especially in that she'd feel it as a physical reflection, and she's already got a load of insecurites about all that stuff - and would make me lower than the lowest as a person. and so she goes back thinking it's all a fairytale romance and everything's wonderful, and I'm hating myself for being so dishonest. And she's arranging to see each other again soon, and I don't know what I'll do.

 

So my questions, are these:

- am I completely shallow for feeling this way? is there such a thing as sexual chemistry - and if it doesn't work, the relationship won't work? or is it possible, given that everything else about her is so awesome, to work through it all somehow?

 

- what do I do now? if I'm not shallow, and this is an understandable way to feel, what then? do I tell her? how? she's so fragile, emotionally, about her physicality. if I am shallow - how to go on physically with someone i'm not attracted to?

 

this is serious, and it's been getting me down for weeks now. I'm not the kind of guy who doesn't think about things before he does them, and my conscience haunts me if i feel i've done the wrong thing. please, help, anyone?

[raggamuffin]

Ok heres my 2 cents worth....Tell her that you dont want to be with her and you dont feel the same way she does. But do not mention at any time her physicallity and that you are not attracted to her. Im sure this girl is beautiful and attractive just not to you, there is someone out there who will think shes is georgous. I dont think its shallow at all because you know, people say that looks dont count but to a certain excent you have to be physically attracted to the other person...Thats what I think. Just let her down easily and gently, but be adament about being good friends. And make sure you highlight all her wonderful qualities that you told us.

[zippitt]

I wish I had an answer but really I can only share a similar experience which I am currently going through myself. I have been dating this girl for about 2 months and she is into me more than I am into her. We have just a wonderful time, everything is great but I am not as attracted to her as I should be and it's started to weigh on me. See I keep thinking that if I let things go I will fall for her. At the same time the longer I drag this out the more likely I could hurt her if things don't work out. I have the same issues though, I feel so low, such and evil person, so shallow because I can't commit myself to her because I am not attracted to her physically. You know what though, that's me...I can't change that no matter how hard I try. I might be a shallow person, but it's better than being a unhappy shallow person making another person unhappy as well. You really need to look deep down inside yourself. Have you ever fell in love with someone you didn't find attractive at first? Do you always think the grass is greener on the other side? Can you change, do you want to change? If you know that it's something that you can never get over I would end it sooner than later. The longer you drag it out the worse it will be for her. I would not say you are shallow even though I know how you feel. People are all different and attraction, regardless of what any man or woman says is important to a relationship. Some people may preach to you certain values, but really it's what you believe in. I don't see anything wrong with admitting you are just not attracted to someone. Of course don't tell her that, this is where a white lie like, "there is no passion for me, or things are just not working for me type of thing" may work. Tact is what you will need in order not to hurt her too much. Of course you know that, you don't sound like a fool and you have been good at this point by not hurting her. Good luck in whatever you decision is, just remember what ever decision you make it's to make you happy first. Don't live a life of unhappiness.

[crookster_man]

You have to have the physical attraction to really be able to fall in love with the person. After you have fallen in love and you get older the physical is not so important (though it still does play a part).

 

When you are young it is important that you are happy with your partner. I know many girls (well maybe I'm being a little egotistical who wanted more from me, but I couldn't commit because I just wasn't attracted to them.

 

Beauty has many levels and some times our standards are too high. This is where the grey area exists. Is this just a grey area or is she really not your type? Were you ever attracted to her? Why is it different now if you were attracted to her?

 

These are all things you have to look at. In the end, you have an obligation to be happy and satisfied with your life and your choices. Don't be with her if it won't make you happy. You will end up hurting yourself and her far more if you continue to live in a lie. Is that what you want?

[kdreger]

Don't let anyone lie to you or tell you differently.

 

We're all shallow.

 

This follows the argument that everything we do, even if it appears to be selfless, is, on some level, done for a selfish reason.

 

Even your guilt is based on selfishness. YOU don't want to deal with her being upset. See you're being shallow in you avoidance in telling her how you feel. Actually, staying with her would be shallow too since you really don't feel that way about her - doesn't she deserve better than that?!?

 

In the end, no matter what you do, you're going to feel guilty. So buck up and do the right thing - tell her the truth...

 

Tell her your gay.

[mult]

hey - many thanks for the excellent replies. sorry it's taken me this long to respond...

 

I think you all got me nailed; if it's going to make me unhappy, it'll make both of us unhappy. and so mebbe in the end, the question is a personal one - zippitt, I think you were asking the same thing: is it something I can never get over? perhaps only I can answer that.

 

I have before; but only for short periods when i first see her, in the radiant glow of her personality, of who she is; i'm blinded, for a time, to the physical. perhaps there's some point at which sexual attraction gradually bifurcates into physical and emotional halves, and each has to be satisfied for it to continue to be fulfilling. perhaps.

 

thanks for the humour kdreger I considered what you were saying, though...but I've read that Nietzche, and compelling though that logic is, i have to reject it. our altruism, our caring for others, however one may dissect it into separate vices and foibles, is what makes us human. I love her as a friend, at least; and I'd hate to see any friend miserable.

 

that said, as a mark of my cowardice, I had already considered the 'sorry, I'm gay' opt-out clause

 

i spose all that remains is somehow telling her all this. Tact is good, but honesty has always been fundamental between us, as friends; and I don't know how I can avoid the whole truth coming out or becoming an issue. I don't know how she'll react, even to the suggestion, fully meant though it is, of 'let's just be friends' - if friendship's even possible after what happened between us, and with the way she feels.

[crookster_man]

I use to believe that we were all inherently selfish... Then I discovered that in fact there is no self to be worried about. We are all impermanent beings. Living in a swirling plane of existence called reality. However, even that is false. For there is only one unmovable, one true permanent being. That is us, that is everything. From a tree, a rock to this computer program.

 

So in truth there is nothing, nothing is the truth. We cannot be selfish. There is no self, there is nothing be greedy about or to feel sad about. Our fixation to these desires and wants is the true source of human suffering. Release all desire and you will never be disappointed. You will not suffer. This is nirvana, this is Zen's satoria.

 

Did you like my philosophical rant? Don't go telling me you didn't. Do you know how I know I interested you? The fact that you are still reading this. Still? Okay that's enough. Have a good night.

 

Stop reading there is nothing more, there never was anything in the first place.

 

(Weird eh?)