mult

hey - many thanks for the excellent replies. sorry it's taken me this long to respond... I think you all got me nailed; if it's going to make me unhappy, it'll make both of us unhappy. and so mebbe in the end, the question is a personal one - zippitt, I think you were asking the same thing: is it something I can never get over? perhaps only I can answer that. I have before; but only for short periods when i first see her, in the radiant glow of her personality, of who she is; i'm blinded, for a time, to the physical. perhaps there's some point at which sexual attraction gradually bifurcates into physical and emotional halves, and each has to be satisfied for it to continue to be fulfilling. perhaps. thanks for the humour kdreger I considered what you were saying, though...but I've read that Nietzche, and compelling though that logic is, i have to reject it. our altruism, our caring for others, however one may dissect it into separate vices and foibles, is what makes us human. I love her as a friend, at least; and I'd hate to see any friend miserable. that said, as a mark of my cowardice, I had already considered the 'sorry, I'm gay' opt-out clause i spose all that remains is somehow telling her all this. Tact is good, but honesty has always been fundamental between us, as friends; and I don't know how I can avoid the whole truth coming out or becoming an issue. I don't know how she'll react, even to the suggestion, fully meant though it is, of 'let's just be friends' - if friendship's even possible after what happened between us, and with the way she feels.

hi all I'm writing this because I need to vent, although advice is welcome I'll be as simple as I can; I met a girl on the internet five odd years ago, who lived a long, long way from me. We went through what were probably a couple of teenage crushes, fell apart, emailed again, remained friends with some potential for something more, until...well, last year things got pretty intense again. I visited her on a short visit and then she visited me for a couple of weeks. On those visits; things escalated, and we were lovers, i can't think of a better word. She was, is, a wonderful person - she's awesome. She's fun, has great taste, great humility, great empathy and understanding... and just fundamentally good. And both times, being with her and in her presense was so intoxicating, really, by force of who she was, that I could place the physical on a lower shelf..for a time. But somehow, with time...well, both times by the end of the visit, i began to have really strong feelings of, 'I'd rather be friends with this person than lovers'. I love her - but as a great, great friend. physically it just doesn't work for me: if she was drop-dead gorgeous, I'd quite probably feel differently. and that may just be the shallowest thing I've ever admitted to. I'd love to hang out with her, love to go through life with her at my side - as one of my closest friends. but as lovers; although the illusion holds at first, sooner or later my shallow male side wakens and i can't sustain the physical attraction. But somehow, waking up to that realization in the middle of all tha physical, I couldn't tell her this. She feels so strongly about me that it almost scares me. words like 'fated' 'forever' 'one and only' and so on are used with so much conviction I cant doubt their sincerity or consideredness. I felt that to say, sitting naked on the bed with her, 'I don't feel this way about you' would be more painful than she could take - especially in that she'd feel it as a physical reflection, and she's already got a load of insecurites about all that stuff - and would make me lower than the lowest as a person. and so she goes back thinking it's all a fairytale romance and everything's wonderful, and I'm hating myself for being so dishonest. And she's arranging to see each other again soon, and I don't know what I'll do. So my questions, are these: - am I completely shallow for feeling this way? is there such a thing as sexual chemistry - and if it doesn't work, the relationship won't work? or is it possible, given that everything else about her is so awesome, to work through it all somehow? - what do I do now? if I'm not shallow, and this is an understandable way to feel, what then? do I tell her? how? she's so fragile, emotionally, about her physicality. if I am shallow - how to go on physically with someone i'm not attracted to? this is serious, and it's been getting me down for weeks now. I'm not the kind of guy who doesn't think about things before he does them, and my conscience haunts me if i feel i've done the wrong thing. please, help, anyone?