No Melodrama

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

..here, more a vent or update or whichever from a very, very tired person who ultimately has just had enough.

 

As some people will know, I have been to the doctor's three times recently. The first time, I outlined my problems and he suspected I had Bipolar Disorder, and referred me to a mental health team very local to me that include a psychiatrist, mental health nurses, etc.

 

I have so far had 2 sessions with a psychiatric nurse who has asked me a lot of questions, and believes that whilst I have a major mood disorder, she is not sure if it is Bipolar Disorder or Psychotic (I get some VERY funky symptoms) Depression, so she wants me to have a session with their team psychiatrist to help her form a conclusion.

 

Unfortunately, even on *Urgent Priority* (as I am) this is a slow process. In addition, my nurse (who is good, I think) is currently on annual leave so I can't bring that appointment forward. Things got very desperate last week and I went back to the doctor yesterday asking for names of private psychiatrists that my parents are willing to pay for to have me seen sooner. Turns out Ill get seen all of two days earlier than if I just waited another 10 days or so for my nurse to get back.

 

Im not sure what I want to do, or can do. I refuse to take meds until/if it reaches crisis point. I want to take the talking/counselling route, although its dawning on me that no amount of talking can solve how AWFUL I've felt for *many* years. (This isnt a new thing to me, it feels more a life than a episode).

 

Last year, after a difficult childhood and bizarre adolescence, I became severely manic/depressed and my psychiatrist (who since left the area) diagnosed me as having Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism. I always knew I was different, as did my parents. Im not so sure just how I feel about having it. If Im honest I probably do agree with the diagnosis, though.

 

I have a contract with myself that says I can't kill myself; but its a gigantic effort to make it through every day. Im attempting to get help as described above, Ive told my tutors about whats going on and just trying to *get through* my studies, which is hard as I have *No* motivation. Im forcing myself to learn to drive and to do *self help measures* like exercise and journalling.

 

Nothing's working really though and ultimately, nothing makes me feel good anymore. I have so many things going on. My anxiety is through the roof, the waves of paranoia, agitation (cannot sleep until 2am or so) and just sheer depression are no fun, they are every day. I get feelings of guilt, I feel disowned from my own body. Its gone beyond the crying stage. I havnt eaten normally for about 4 years anyway (I was anorexic then it morphed) and its all over the place at the moment. I have religiuos guilt/obsession going on.

 

I feel so little for people, such as family, boyfriend etc. In fact it makes me want to break up with him because he cant be getting anything out of being with someone currently in this state, and it makes him worry and I dont like to see him suffer like that.

 

Every day my mother is afraid she will find me dead even though Ive explained about the contract and Ive never threatened to kill myself.

 

Im sorry to rewrite what I have put forward before, but it's just...it seems like there is little I can do. Im keeping going to see the nurse (starting when she gets back, obviously) and I guess in a crisis theres the emergency room which frankly is looking quite likely.

 

Im not aiming for orgasmically-happy levels of existing here, a day without wanting to die might be nice. I think thats a reasonable demand? 5 month depressive periods are not fun.

[arwen]

Hey superstar,

 

I find it difficult to give you advise, but I just want to say you're not alone. It's a good thing that so many steps have already been taken to help you get out of this misery.

 

A bittersweet feeling came over me when you mentioned the no-suicide contract. I had a similar contract with myself when I was exactly your age. I was anorexic and depressed, but deep inside I knew I wanted to live. I wanted a better life, and just needed the right key to open the cage I had locked myself into. It took a lot of therapy, but I managed to get out of depression in the end.

 

I think you are a woman who is wise beyond her years, and who has a strong will to make her life better. You are not afraid to seek help, which is a very powerful personality trait in making things better.

 

I remember you telling about your bf. At this moment things are hard on both of you. His father passed away, you are going through a lot... I think at this point, you should try and be each other's best friend. I think deep inside you love him a lot, but it's very difficult to truly experience the love when you feel you want to die every day. You don't have to have a very committed and serious relationship right now. You're just 17. The most important thing in the relationship is being each others friend anyway, so why not focus on that?

 

Ilse

[WildChild]

I completely agree with Isle. You really are wise beyond your years. You have offered so much advice and support on this forum alone. Depression is a powerful thing. I understand the need of not wanting to go on medication, I too was there. But I became so depressed and feelings of wanting to end my life I knew I had to do something. I was prescribed meds and after 2 years I was able to go off of them because I no longer needed them. Sometimes disorders cannot be tamed down without the use of medications. Bipolar being one of them. I have a friend who is Biopolar and a manic depressive. She is a completely different person when she is on her medication, and you can tell when she isn't. She feels much better about life and herself while taking meds. She to was like me and you. Didn't want to have to medicate for the rest of her life. However she researched it and realized that again some disorders need medication to help balance out the chemicals.

 

You really are a sweet woman. I would hate to see you do something drastic like end your life when there could be solutions out there to help you cope. Please be good to yourself.

[Dako]

I completely agree with the gang here.

You're a remarkable person and have immense wisdom compared to anyone of any age.

My depression made me suicidal, but for some reason the absolute minimum available dose of an SRI relieves my symptoms. When I quit taking it a few years back, I was one hurting guy. I have no side effects or altered perception other than better concentration and a lack of darkness. I'm not a drug pusher at all, just trying to share.

 

Please be good to yourself. You might feel distant from people, but here your words resonate with many of us.

[arwen]

I second Dako on the meds. I have been on both Remeron and Efexor. The latter really worked for me, even in a minimal dosis. They are especially suited for people who worry a lot and who are depressed because of anxiety. Be careful with meds, take them under good supervision and have yourself checked for them at a psychiatrist regularly.

 

You will be fine, girl. I know it really sucks to have to wait for treatment, now that you are at a point that you know you need it, you probably want to start asap to improve your emotional state.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[Ash]

'Star, I see it the same as the others. You seem to have somewhat of an ability to see your situation for what it is and not throw up your hands in despair and give up. Your seeking counselling aggressively because you believe it will help you.

 

I'd like to put my voice with the others and say that perhaps a chemical imbalance is at least partly to blame. If that's the case, I'm not sure if you CAN overcome all your feelings just on sheer willpower (perhaps) but what it does mean is that it's not a sign of weakness or an inability to cope if you do take some (prescribed of course) medication. Some people just have the plain misfortune to essentially require medication to make up for a condition they have (I do, I'd likely be dead if it weren't for asthma medication, and there's nothing I can truly do without meds to make it go away entirely).

 

I know when I was very depressed and was prescribed some meds I refused to take them. I don't know whether that was wise or not, and I'm still not convinced I shouldn't be on them anyway. I'm nowhere near as badly off as you but I do get some of the pride behind sometimes not wanting to admit that there might be something wrong in that way.

 

Like I said, you seem very in touch with how you are, and very open about it. I'm sure counselling helps, but if the health care professionals all submit that medication will greatly improve things then please consider what they say. Let them know you don't want to take them long term and they should be able to come up with a shorter term solution that will let you know if that is the issue.

[snowgirl]

I can't add much to what the others have said. I think you're a remarkable young woman, and I predict that you will be just fine. I don't mean to sound trite, so forgive me, but I really mean it. You are so in touch and honest with yourself, and you have made a commitment to getting better.

I understand that it's frustrating beyond words, and exhausting beyond comprehension. I understand your trepidation over taking medication for it, and that being the case, you are wise to try counseling first.

My husband sounded just like you last summer. He even refused to get counseling for a long time, but he finally started going last fall. Life is a lot lighter for him already. He has not taken any meds yet, but may, depending on where his therapy goes. The counseling has made a huge, positive difference in his life.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Thank you all so much, it all means a lot to me right now.

[arwen]

Those are beautiful pictures, by the way.

 

Hope you feel better than before.

 

Ilse

[darkblue]

Bipolar or a severe depression.

It's not actually as difficult as it may sound, to diagnose.

 

Do you have elevated moods?

If so, depression is almost completely impossible.

 

I don't know why you are ruling out medication so quickly.

Sure, it's not an overnight cure, but it gives sympomatic relief to people going through the illness.

It would let you cope with existence, while you concentrate on gaining a life.

 

You know where I am, if you want to talk.

 

Take care.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I have wild elevations in mood but sadly its all been DOWN for a good 5 months or so, so not really at the moment, its a depressive phase.

 

I have a life but I cant cope with it. I have/had

 

college

friends

another set of friends

a boyfriend of 6 months

working out/other interests

family

 

Icant cope with any of it anymore.

[darkblue]

Who said you had to cope?

 

What is wrong with the way you are just now?

 

If you are feeling too stressed out - you can drop some of these things.

Who cares if you don't work out so often or drop some hobbies for the sake of your sanity.

 

When you need to relax - you need to relax.

 

Rememeber that your mental health becomes before anything else.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Well, I'd say the main problems I have are that I am paranoid, restless, demotivated...Im getting up at 1pm each day, going to bed at 2am and everything feels pointless. I have nothing to offer anyone and I'm consumed by thoughts of death/suicide. I make myself exercise/go outside 2 hours a day and msn people to maintain outer-world contact but I'm reaching the end of my tether really. No matter...yet another appointment on Tuesday.

[arwen]

Just keep breathing, antilove. Help is nearby, I am SURE you will get past this. I think it's very good you're still sort of 'forcing' yourself to stay in touch with friends and to exercise. I can imagine it takes a lot of energy. Girl, I wish I could help you more than I can from my pc far away in Holland. You are a very great person, you don't deserve to be consumed by those negative thoughts.

 

I read link removed Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon. It's a great book, though not very uplifting. Depression is described as a vine that sort of takes over the real person. In fact it's like a parasite. It uses your strength, your will to live. I remember it felt like that when I was depressed. It felt like something else had taken me over. I can tell you from experience, that you can win yourself back. It's sort of a battle, but I know you will have the inner power to do it.

 

Please send me a message if you need. I am here.

 

Ilse