Therapist says to break NC. Your advice?

[nicolediver]

For those of you not familiar with my story, please view this thread:

 

After going to my therapy session today I am now confused as to what my next step should be during this period of "trial separation" between my boyfriend and I. My therapist suggested that I needed to contact my boyfriend and ask him (or us) to decide on a definite time in the future where we can meet and discuss where we are and see how we feel around each other. He felt this was necessary, as an indefinite break would allow for a wider disconnect to occur and also allows both partners in the relationship to not be serious about the commitment to work through this period.

 

I do agree with him, but at the same time I don't want to pressure my boyfriend when it seems he is the one needing this time and space. I mean if we were broken up, of course I would stick to absolute NC. But since we are still together and taking time off, do you think I should follow my therapist's advice? I mean, we do have to talk at some point I imagine.

[princessdi75]

Now, I did NOT read any previous posts of yours...

 

If you guys are serious about a break then you DO need to talk about and establish "the rules". How long will you not be in contact, who is going to contact who, if you're allowed to see other people, etc.

 

I have been having issues with my bf and we talked about a break, but ended our conversation on ugly terms, not solving anything. I decided on my own that i wasn't going to speak with him for 3 weeks, but by the end of the night i realized i should probably talk to him so we can do this the *right* way. Turns out I text my bf the next day asking to talk and he told me to call...we talked and he kept apologizing and said how horrible he felt about everything and wanted to be together. So now we are working things out without a break.

 

You should talk and figure out what you BOTH want and go from there.

[nicolediver]

I feel like in my gut that is also the right way to proceed but I also think he is so angry now that any sort of pressure is going to push him in the wrong direction. I just dont know what to do about that aspect of it...

 

Would it make sense to maybe bring this point up to him in a week or so? That way it gives him some time to cool down a bit. Or is it just best to handle it ASAP?

[princessdi75]

You should probably wait until you think he's had enough time to cool down (you would know better than anyone here how long that could be) and if he contacts you before then, go ahead and see if he's ready to talk, and if not, contact him when you think it's appropriate and talk.

[Teapot]

Maybe a quick phone call to say you need to talk about it and decide where and when you will talk properly about where you are going from here. Or you could leave it 2-3 days, you don't want him thinking you're leaving it upto him or you're not that bothered, if you leave it for a week. The sooner you sort things out the sooner you are back on the mend, you just don't want things to go so fast one of you doesn't understand or actually want what the other one decides.

 

I also want to say that I'm so happy for you that you are both trying to work this out, lots and lots of couples just end it when they don't know where to go next, they see it as the end. But you don't and that is a brilliant thing. Just look at it this way, you are already one step ahead to getting your relationship back together, and that is a good thing, you've got this far, so you can do it all and be happy at the end!

[nicolediver]

I know I shouldnt be but I am afraid to call him in the next few days. As I mentioned before he is not feeling the best towards me, despite his agreement to try and work things out.

 

To illustrate this point, I texted him about something on Sunday and although he did reply, he also said to "leave him be" for now. I just dont know if he is in a good space to hear more "relationship talk." My gut says that in a week he will be cooled down but I guess I also afraid he is just going to call it quits altogether.

 

I mean, you hear about people going on breaks all the time with the intention of working throught things but they never do...

[DN]

I think you should leave him be for a week and then send him a message. Don't call him because that is more pressuring.

[Beyondthesea]

I agree. The rules have to be set, a timeline or else things will get out of hand and you'll drift too far apart.

[nicolediver]

Thank you for your advice. I think I will definitely make sure to give him some time to cool down before I broach the subject of meeting. I think that I should give him two weeks, do you think that is perhaps too much time? I know some of you mentioned the possibilty of drifting or losing sight of the goal by allowing for too much time without contact.

[princessdi75]

If you're comfortable with two weeks, then stick with it, just make sure you know how you're going to handle the situation if he calls you before the two weeks are up. For me and how my life has been going two weeks feels like a year, so I would say a week would be a good amount of time, but whatever amount of time you are comfortable with is what you should do.

[ann123]

I've just read quickly thru your original story. Sounds to me as if a) you are doing all the work; and b) your fella has done everything BUT rent a plane and write "Back Off" in letters against the sky.

 

friscodj seems to have a good handle on your story. I'd be curious as to what he thinks.

[nicolediver]

ann,

 

You are right to say that at this point I am doing the majority of the work. Or at least it appears that way since you only have my side of the story. Truth be told, I am not sure what he is doing/thinking during this time apart.

 

The problem is, that it used to be quite the opposite. He did most of the work and not suprisingly started to feel overlooked and that he was giving much more than he was receiving. He started to withdraw a bit, in the sense that he was no longer putting me on a pedestal. Still loving, affectionate and what not but became a bit more realistic and wanted to protect himself.

 

So yes, I realized (hopefully not too late) that I was taking him for granted. So, at this point I dont mind carrying more of the weight. He did that for me and I feel like maybe its my turn to step up and show him I realize this and recognize this. As a result, I am willing to fight for his complete trust again.

 

I know ideally, things work out best when both people can come to the table as equals and work together. However, I alos know that when someone is feeling hurt, perhaps it time for you to be selfless and do what you can to ease their pain.

 

I am recognizing more and more how my individual issues contributed in many negative ways to this realtionship. Talking about all of this in therapy has done wonders.

 

I am currently considering writing him a letter. Not to illicit a reply or plead for him to be back in my life. But instead a letter of recognition. Telling him the growth I am making, explaining the things I have now realized about our relationship in hindsight. Thanking him for the things he did that I took for granted. Basically, a letter of apology and acknowledgement for I feel I have been in denial much too long.

 

If you were hurt by someone you loved, do you think this would affect you in a positive manner? I certainly dont want to make him feel worse.

 

My therapist thinks this is a good idea because it aids us both. I am able to start acknowledging the path I was on and I can in turn perhaps give him the appreciation I didnt while we were together.

 

Any thoughts?

[blender]

Nicole, "you can't make him or NOT make him "lose sight of the goal by allowing too much time without contact". Obviously for "right now" his "goal" is to be left alone... and you should HEAR him loud and clear and give it some time. As far as your therapist telling you to call him and set "a time when you will get together to talk"...well I've never heard of a therapist "telling someone to do something" usually they ask questions so YOU can DECIDE what is RIGHT to do for YOU. I think the most important thing for "today" is YOUR heart, and what you can do to protect and nourish your OWN life for now... You can maybe contact him in a week, but I wouldn't make a "plan" beyond one day.. just for today, leave him be... that is what he asked for.. the point is to discern how YOU might feel after contacting him, NOT how he would feel... YOU can only "control" your OWN reaction to his saying "leave me be"...

 

I can't imagine it being a good idea for "right now" to contact ANYONE who responded this way to your last contact.... let him be for awhile, let him think.. and as far as you line about "I know some of you mentioned the possibilty of drifting or losing sight of the goal by allowing for too much time without contact." If he can "lose sight of any goal involving you" in just a few weeks, months, then he's definintely NOT someone YOU should be chasing... This time apart is painful yes, but it is an OPPORTUNITY for both of you to figure out things... sometimes we "lose sight of the goal" because we DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO STEP BACK AND "LEAVE SOMEONE BE". Good luck, but for "today" try not to contact him.. and tell your therapist that how you "uncomfortable" you feel about contacting him and why. I'm sure whomever the therapist would suggest, then JUST DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR "YOURSELF" FOR TODAY.. BREATHE, KNOW THAT ALL IS EXACTLY AS IT SHOULD BE FOR A REASON, AND YOU CAN NOT CONTROL IT, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU CALL HIM.. NOT FOR TODAY, ANYWAY.. SO 'leave him be' for the moment... How do you feel about this?

[nicolediver]

I have definitely made the choice to not contact him today. I have also promised myself that if I do feel the need to reach out it will be after a week has gone by of leaving him alone. And even then, I am not sure I will bring up the idea of seeing each other. What I would like to do is write the letter I described in the earlier post. I feel like there are things I needed to say throughout the relationship and things he should know, regardless of what our outcome is.

 

The purpose of the letter is not to manipulate or plead. It is simply a first step at acknowledgement and forgiveness. And I think this is something I need to do to move-on, whether I am with him or not. I have hurt him and I want to apologize and I want him to know that I recognize the things he was trying to tell me for so long. And I dont want this to happen as a ploy to get him back. I just feel his friendship deserves that sort of recognition.

[blender]

DO write the letter, and email it to yourself, wait 24 hours, and then re-read it, and then decide if you want to edit it at all and maybe send it, this is a good thing to work on for the next few days.. it will help you write it a few times and get it "down to the point" of a real APOLOGY... You are doing so well, and it's wonderful that you are SEEING YOUR PART in all this..this is a sing of real personal growth on your part.. and the fact that you are "letting him be"... is a mature thing to do for today as well. Work on that letter for now.. that is very healing for you...

[nicolediver]

blender,

 

Thank you. As we speak I am in fact writing this letter and have decided to re-read tomorrow and the next so that it is exactly what I nwant to say. I do want to "leave him be" but at the same time I feel that I owe and he deserves this apology. It is a long time coming and should be heard.

 

I know that for myself, an apology would be deeply welcomed if it came from someone I loved who had overlooked me. It's a big thing to admit your faults. And I want to be specific, no more generalites. I am seeing more and more what I have done and what needs to be done. I just feel that he should know that if nothing else I did learn something from him.

[Royltnxile]

but at the same time I don't want to pressure my boyfriend when it seems he is the one needing this time and space. I mean if we were broken up, of course I would stick to absolute NC. But since we are still together and taking time off, .

 

I read your story on your other thread. I'm confused because the phrase "still together and taking time off" is an oxymoron. You and he are either "together", or you aren't. It would appear that at present you "aren't". He has asked for time and space. This isn't good. Whatever "issues" he may/or may not have with the relationship, when a person asks for "time and space" it's a harbinger of doom as far as the relationship is concerned. He responded to your last contact with words "leave me be"? This also is cause for concern, IMO. He's a man, so he should be acting like a man and facing his relationships concerns head on - with you, as a team, as a unit, together, NOT by becoming distant and pulling the whole "time and space" routine, which is too often a person's way of letting the other down easy.

 

You say you are both committed to making the relationship work? Why aren't you in couples counselling - together - and working on it then? I fear that his "time and space" request is his way of distancing himself from you as he prepares to terminate the relationship. In short, he wants out.

 

My advice would be to respect his request for time and space and leave him be. You should take a step back yourself. He sounds flaky and why would you want to be waiting around for someone with "trust and vulnerability" issues? Let him know you care, and want it to work, but don't be waiting around for him. If he says he wants to work the relationship out, then look for him to take action towards that end, don't just believe his words on the matter.

[nicolediver]

Royltnxile,

 

To a certain extent I am in agreement with you as there have been times when I have gotten very upset at the situation. I too, go through periods where I think that if he really wanted to make it work he would not be shutting me out and taking time on his own.

 

However, I am not like everyine else and we all have our different ways of dealing with things. I have talked to several people that I love and given the same situation they said they would probably also want space from the realtionship. I know for some that when they are that angry or frustrated they cant be around the source. They need time to cool down and gain perspective.

 

Having said that, I am deciding what's best for me and if this is something I can handle. As far as being together and taking time off contradiction. we are together in the sense we are not seeing other people and giving ourselves tim eto see if there is a chance this can be worked out if we take time to ourselves.

 

He and I both have trust issues, I cling and he runs. Now is the time to deal with that so we can find happiness.

[Beyondthesea]

To be honest, I have found that most women who say they are clingy are with men who just can't stand to have a real relationship. Why is loving someone and wanting to be with them considered clingy? I feel for you girl.

 

I am very impressed with how you are dealing with this in such a mature manner. Here's my only advice though.

 

You have spent all your time judging when is the best time to contact him, etc. Why are you not using this time to judge if this relationship is worth the effort on your side? Take this time and decide if this is something you want. Unfortunately, someone who is a runner isn't likely to change that behavior overnight. Is that something you are willing to deal with?

 

Send him the note and tell him you expect to hear from him by such and such a date. Then take some time for yourself.

[nicolediver]

Thank you for the advice. I am clingy, I always have been. Yes I do love seeing my partner but I also seek a lot of validation from it. I have a hard time being patient and letting go of things. These are things I am working on though.

 

I just hate like feeling I am being led on.

[DN]

In my opinion being clingy is the difference between wanting to be with someone and needing to be with them all the time.

[Beyondthesea]

I find a lot of the younger generation men call all women clingy because women want to spend time with them.

 

A lot of immature men want girlfriends but don't want the commitment involved, so if you want to see them more than on the weekends you are clingy.

 

Sorry I guess I have a very specific idea of what clingy means!

[DN]

Well, I am hardly the younger generation! And I find that 'clinginess' is not a complaint made only by young men but by both genders of any age.

 

The problem is that your specific idea of what clinginess is may not be the same as that of another person - male or female. There are no rules or even guidelines to follow - this is a matter that has to be negotiated by the two people involved in the relationship.

[Beyondthesea]

Absolutely right DN. I have very specific ideas about everything, which has its good and bad points.

 

Really though? I have never heard a woman call a man clingy.

 

Anyway back to the original poster: Nicole if you truly believe you are clingy, really work on that. Why do you feel so dependant on him?

 

If I were you, I would start to have outside interests and make sure you are taken care of. Keep yourself happy first

[DN]

Really though? I have never heard a woman call a man clingy.

My sister broke up with a guy who was way too clingy and needy of her attention.

 

An extreme example of clinginess is called stalking.