so messed up...

[ReadyorNot]

So.... I havent heard from my ex-fiance in about 1.5 weeks.. I spoke to him briefly on MSN on Tuesday night... he was in a ROTTEN mood... he was so nasty and angry... he said he didnt want to talk about what was wrong.... I said that it looked like he was even an angry person without me and he said he was and he didnt like it.... (he originally toldme that I made him an angry person and thats a reason he ended things).... I also asked him what his problem was because he had everything he wanted... he said that he didnt have everything he wanted... The last thing I said to him was "You thought you would be SOOOOO happy without me" and his response was "I know eh, arent I getting what was F'in coming to me"

 

Anyway.. today at 2pm he called me at work.. wanted to know if I wanted to get together because he wanted to talk to me about something... i was like "great!!!!!".. he said it wasnt a bad thing, and I told him it couldnt be anything good.... then he said "I still love you, you know"... I said "well alot of good that does me" and he said it might... and asked if I loved him..... I also figured he had bought a car and wanted to show me... he frigging still owes me $10,000....

 

SO THEN! He said..... "Now dont get your hopes up... but I just wanna know if there is ANY chance you would take me back?"... I said I didnt know.. .he woudl have to do alot of begging and be completely honest.... so then he said ok... call him right after work....

 

I went to meet him for coffee.. His car wasnt in the parking lot... so I asked him which was his... and he told me he woudl show me later... isnt that nice? So I mentioned how a job was posted at the base he is at and I wanted to apply.... then I said something else and he said thats what I want to talk to you about.. I made a joke and asked if it was what I just said....

 

So he said... he is soooo depressed and screwed up and he doesnt know what he wants but something is missing from his life.. he thinks its kids... Turns out his female friend and her husband have 4 kids and he has been spending alot of time with them.... he also said that he cant see himself having kids with anyone but me..... but he isnt sure if our relationship would work.... He said he has no idea what he wants but he wanted to talk to me and see if taking him back was a complete lost cause... He said he is terrified of marriage... he never told me this before.. so he said if we got back together he doesnt know if we would get married.... I told him that I surely wouldnt ever plan another wedding with him.... I woudl elope.. so thats another thing.. I have always wanted a wedding with teh dress... and the guests...

 

We went out to the car so he could get some stuff and then we went for a drive.. first thing he did was grab me and smell my hair.. and then he hugged me.. he kept staring at me... what a freak!

He was just so weird.... He said to me that he still loved me..... I said "yeah you love me, but you arent IN LOVE with me"... he told this when we broke up... his response was "Oh, I am IN LOVE with you"....

 

You know... I love him more then anything but I dont know what I want now.. I am not getting my hopes up.. I honestly DONT think he is going to decide he wants to be with me.... He said he doesnt know whats going on in his head.... but he wanted to talk to me and just see if there was a chance I would take him back... I told him he needs to go on medication and he said there was no way he would do that... he said the military would probably put him in the looney bin... HE ALSO told me that he doesnt even want to be in the military... or he doesnt think he wants to do what he is doing...

 

So he showed me his car... took me in it.. he said I am the first of his friends (not including military people) to see his car.. he wanted me to be the first... I dont know how he is going to pay me back... We ended up going for dinner....

 

This post is huge.. Im sorry.. I havent even gotten everything off my chest yet... this is the only website that no one knows me.. I use the same username for everything else.. but I cant ramble all n ight... all I know is I feel sooooo screwed up... All I have ever wanted (for the last 6 years) is to be with him forever.. have children... be happy.. but he has screwed me around, and my family hates him now.... I just dont know...

[Tigris]

If he loves you as much as he says he does why have you been together for 6 years and you're not married yet?

 

Secondly, I wouldn't be thinking of having children with a man that sounds as bad tempered as he is! If he's not capable of keeping his temper when his with/without you how would he manage with little children running around? What sort of life would that be for you and the kids?

 

Please be careful because he sounds to me like he's very unpredictable. Being like that plus having a temper sounds dangerous to me!

 

Good luck and take care.

[ReadyorNot]

We were 20 when we got together.... I have always wanted to get married, but I always knew I wasnt ready.. he surely wasnt ready either.. he always said he wanted to be with me forever but he wasnt sure if he wanted to get married... as soon as he got into the military he changed overnight... to deffinitely KNOWING he wanted to be married and have kids...

 

When he proposed, I knew it was what I wanted... we would get married and then I would move to his base with him... but at the same time I still felt like MAYBE i was too young to be married...

 

Its all so weird.... I just dont know what to think or do.... I knew he was just screwed up .... when he was at bootcamp he was the best fiance a woman could ever have.. he was such a sweetheart... btu then sitting around in a room everyday being bored.... awaiting his course to start (finally does next week) made him go crazy... I just knew this wasnt what he really wanted...

 

He told me also tonight that he has been thinking ALOT about the baby we were pregnant with in 2002.... we decided not to have it, and afterwards he refused to ever talk about it... now he said he has been thinking alot and it really upsets him that we didnt have it...

[friscodj]

OMG This situation is a train wreck waiting to happen...

 

You can't choose who you fall in love with but you can control what you do about it. Let's see here... This guy has serious anger issues, took you for 10-grand, is depressed and screwed up and wants kids thinking they will "fix" this, breaks up with you, then says he loves you and only sees having these kids with you, yet is terrified of marriage and has "no idea" what he wants?

 

Honey, this one is very obvious: you are so much better off without this guy! Please try your hardest to cut all ties with this guy...and count your blessings you got away clean and didn't get married, had children, house, car payment, etc. to him...

[DN]

I don't think that telling him he needs to do a lot of begging is a good idea. Be careful you don't try and get revenge here for him making you unhappy by trying to humiliate him or anything similar. That may make you feel good in the short-term but it will not serve you in the long run.

 

You need to become more rational over this and less emotional and that is a very hard thing to do under these circumstances. But both of you are sort of running in circles around each other and that will get you nowhere.

 

I suggest that you do the following:

 

1. Decide what you want from him - marriage, kids, etc. Make sure these are 'must have' things and that you won't take him back without them.

 

2. Decide if you love him enough to take him back and can forgive the hurt he has caused you.

 

3. If you do want him back tell him what you must have from him. Tell him that if he can't or won't agree then you will not resume the relationship. Say that you are prepared to negotiate and compromise on other things but the 'must haves' are non-negotiable.

 

4. If he agrees, then do the work necessary to get the relationship back on track. Make sure that you truly forgive him and do not keep bringing this up in a negative way for that will corrode the relationship. Use it it in a positive way to make the relationship better, stronger and more loving. Attitude will make or break it and it is really important how you both treat each other during the 'getting back together' part.

 

Counselling may help and it is really important that you get your family on-board. They hate him because he hurt you - it is up to you to get them to realise that he is your choice as a partner and that you need them to help you make it work.

 

5. If he says he can't decide right now then set a date by which he must give you definitive answer one way or the other. Maybe a month from now. And say that in the time neither of you should contact the other - unless he has come to that decision.

 

6. If he will not agree - then tell him you are walking away from him and that you don't want him to contact you again, other than to make arrangements to pay back the money. Go no contact after that and take the time to heal your heart before moving on. This will be a hard time for you but at least you will know that you gave it your best shot and that it is now time to get on with your life without him.

 

Good luck - I hope that whatever happens you will be happy.

[ReadyorNot]

Thank you for your suggestions DN.... I agree with what you have said...

 

What I meant by "begging" is that if he wanted me to take him back then he had to SHOW ME that he deserves me to take him back.... I want him to show me that he truly does love me...

 

Ive just been thinking though... He says he doesnt know what he wants... I think he has all this crap going through his head... I dont think he really wants me back... I think its just desperation... once he got it off his chest he didnt mention it again but he was still weird stareing at me and reaching over and grabbing my chin....

 

Its all so weird...

[Bethany]

Sorry but I was told this by a man ....

 

If a man doesn't know what he wants, it's because he doesn't want what he's got.

[ReadyorNot]

He doesnt have me anymore though....

[ReadyorNot]

He is a sketchy man....

I dont know about this....

 

I was chatting with him this afternoon.. he asked me twice what my plans were tonight... said he may come to town (he is staying with friends this weeekend and apparently every weekend, 1 hour away)...... and he said he may give me a call.. no promises....

 

He came online 10min ago to say he was going for a shower and we would chat shortly...

 

 

I found out a few weeks ago he made a profile like 2 years ago on this dating website.... it said nothing actually... but I just noticed he has a new username... he has the NERVE to have MY CAT as his display picture... I AM FUMING!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I am just sooooo annoyed... he is SOOOOOOO sketchy.... this is nuts...

[ReadyorNot]

oh my goodness... I am seriously going to have a heart attack... right now.. I am sick to my stomach and all of this pain is coming back...

 

I was just talking to my ex on MSN... he was taking forever to reply and I asked him why so he said he was talkin to like 10 people... so I said "now lets pretend for a second.... if we were together again would you be all secretive about msn and stuff like that?" His response was NO, I wouldnt be... and I am also going to be honest about something else....

 

His two buddies from town took him to the strip club last night after he left me... I realize strip clubs arent a big deal to so many people but it totally is for me... but he always said he wasnt interested in that... he said that he wasnt, but it was something he needed to do now....

 

He said he was NOT impressed and he didnt get hard all night.... but he turned down a lap dance so this stripper pulled him on stage and sprayed shaving cream down his pants...

 

I seriously feel like puking... he said he didnt know he was going when he was out with me..... he just went over there after and his friends suggested it... He said he hopes he didnt hurt me.. but he just wanted to be honest with me.....

[friscodj]

Listen to me...

 

FORGET THIS LOSER AND MOVE ON!!!!!!

[ReadyorNot]

couldnt be any more simple then that....

 

can you totally give me the strength to do that? I have none.... nothing...

 

why am i such a stupid woman? do you think I like feeling pain?

now there is like a tiny ounce of hope... so i am all screwed up now...

[Alperionce]

couldnt be any more simple then that....

 

can you totally give me the strength to do that? I have none.... nothing...

 

why am i such a stupid woman? do you think I like feeling pain?

now there is like a tiny ounce of hope... so i am all screwed up now...

 

Dear ReadyorNot,

 

 

You are an important thinking being. You are individually rare. Something special to behold. You have all the strength that you will ever need located right inside of yourself. Your ability to choose is something so special: few use it.

 

 

 

What do you fear?

Why do you fear?

Stop the fear.

 

Fear keeps us dependent, depressed, oppressed, and supressed. Fear are the demons trying to jump in to our bodies, they hijack our feelings, our thoughts, our actions. Force them out.

 

What can cause you to stop the fear is a very important question you can answer that. Family? Friends? Activities?

 

Look in that mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful, divine, and deserving of a better life, and a better companion.

 

 

friscodj was obvious with his comments, I will try with a different approach. Your ex is telling you quietly that he doesn't deserve you. In a sense, his actions are telling you everything that you need to know. Don't pay attention to a thing that he says. Only his actions. Life has away of telling people things, and I believe that your ex is telling you that he isn't worthy, and that you need to move on. I know that it is hard to hear when your emotions are screaming in your ears. It makes you want to see an illusion.

 

Personally speaking, when I feared it was because my ex-girlfriend broke it off . I feared that I would never be with anyone again. You may have this fear. "He/She was the one" has been said many times on this forum. They hold such high hopes, because they can see no significant other beyond the one that they desire back. The demons, or emotional bias disrupts our reasoning.

 

In order to see the truth, you must rid the demons that cloud your judgments. Detox yourself, use whatever means in order to achieve clarity.

 

I know you can do it. You are strong, and individally rare. Your strength knows no bounds, your ability to take control of your mind will be key in order to know what corrective measures should be done in your life.

 

I still struggle....join me in the battle. So that we can win the war.

 

~Alperionce El Omegeron Qulight.

[Tigris]

You deserve someone better!

 

Block all his email addresses and don't answer your mobile phone, etc.

 

Forget him! If you don't he'll only bring you heartache.

 

Good luck for the future