For love or money?

[Andem]

My question is, is it fair to use a guy's willingness to lend you money as a test of his commitment to you?

 

For the past three years I've been in a long distance relationship with a man I used to date in high school. At that time he was pretty unreliable about money,never seemed to be paying his bills although he had a stable job.

 

One of the things that impressed me when we got back together was how different he was in that area. He has a good job, nice house, and is much mor reliable than he used to be about keeping appointments. Whenever we get together we mostly split expenses, or if he is hosting, he takes care of everything. We always exchange little gifts when we get together, and he enjoys buying me presents.

 

My most recent ex is unconvinced. He feels my boyfriend is back in the relationship for the sex. He says the first time I ask this guy to lend me money or help me out financially he will head for the hills.

 

The thing is, I dont really need to ask for money, and I have never been comfortable borrowing money from anyone. My ex ( who I broke up with to pursue this relationship) was the first man who ever just gave me money, and he was very protective.

 

On one level I feel I shouldn't have to prove anything with this guy, but I guess, there is another feeling of 'what if my ex is right?'

 

I feel that asking for money (even as a test) is going to change the dynamics of the relationship , but now I cant seem to get over that nagging doubt.

 

Would love to hear someone else's ideas. Thanks

[annie24]

Welcome to eNotalone.

 

I really really don't think that money has much to do with a man's commitment to you, one way or another.

 

Maybe he is using you for sex, maybe he isn't. I don't know. But, I wouldn't use money to judge whether or not he is devoted to you. Think about it - men pay for prostitutes all the time, but that doesn't mean that they are devoted to them!

 

He may not want to lend you money because he has some debts to pay off (that he is too ashamed to tell you about), or because he doesn't believe in mixing money and friendship. Money has ruined many many relationships. I know, because it's ruined many of my relationships with my family.

 

On the other hand, maybe he has so much money that he doesn't mind giving you some. Maybe he feels if he gives you money, you will be obligated to give him sex.

 

So, no. I don't think that's a very good test of his commitment.

 

I think a better test is to flat out ASK HIM what is going on! Ask him if he is interested in a serious relationship again, or if this is just "friends with benefits." I think you will have your answer there. I think after 3 years, you have a right to ask if this relationship is headed towards marriage.

 

Is he good to you? Does he show up when he says he will? Does he call you? Is he considerate of you and your feelings? Or, does he have excuses why he can't see you certain nights, and cancels plans at the last minute?

 

your most recent ex has his own motives for giving you advice. I wouldn't put all my faith in his answers.

[miniblinded2]

Willingness to lend money to someone doesn't show commitment!! Banks lend money... do they love you and want to be with you? Come on! Your ex is playing games with you to make himself look like a better man because he lent you money when you needed a hand. He's hurt that you dumped him for your beau and is trying to caste doubt in your mind about your choice.

 

The only way you'll know how committed your b/f is is to ask him. And if he says he's committed to you, can you believe him? Well, like the rest of us in the world, the only "true" test of one's commitment is the test of time.

 

As far as being used just for sex, well think: is it always wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am? Or is there more substance to your relationship? Discuss your level of commitment with your current boyfriend, not your ex! If I asked advice from my ex, I don't care how great of friends we are, he's always going to try to convince me that I was better off with him. It's a guy thing, they want to feel they were the best guy and you're going to spend the rest of your life regretting that you left him. It's an ego thing.

[Andem]

Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it. I think this is part of the pattern that I have been working through. I have always had issues with independence and one of the reasons I stayed so long with my ex was that he pretty much 'took care' of me. I guess I've just gotten used to listening to my him because it was always the 'safe' thing to do.

 

When I met up with my current boyfriend again, I realised how much I had just given up responsibility for my life to someone else. For example I had a driving phobia and he really encouraged me to work hard at it.

 

 

 

Thanks again, to both of you for taking the time to reply.

[annie24]

Hi - I think the fact that he's helping you with your driving phobia definitely sounds like he cares. That to me seems like a better assesment of commitment than how much money he is willing to lend you.