Need some big time advice.....

[Alpine Stars]

Well, here goes. My girlfriend of 2 1/2 yrs/just turned my fiance is a very loving woman who I never ever want to lose for any reason, BUT! There have been for some strange reason (about 4 or 5 times) where she will accidentally refer to me by her ex-husbands name....the real kicker (which is why I am here right now asking for some really sound advice) happened last night when we were spending some time together out on the town and sharing pitchers of brew and having a damn good time....well, there was this one topic we were on and we were talking about this certain town in our state that we both equally hate and then (remember this is after about four pitchers of brew by now) she starts telling me the only good time she had in that town was the one time that me and her were there and went here and there and hung out with so and so couple and had a good time.

 

Needless, to say I had to look at her and not say anything for a moment and let her think about what she had just said.....problem with that damn story was it was not me that was with her in that town on that certain trip....it was her ex-husband she was talking about but somehow associating me with that story. Let me first say that....that was really awkward and my night was pretty much done for after that because leading up to this point there have been a couple of times where "supposedly" out of habit we will be talking or something around the house and she will either slip and call me his name or catch herself and stop in the middle of saying his name, that has happened about 4 times in 2 1/2 yrs of being together. To add to this little dilemma three of her family members have also called me this guys name so I told her on the way home last night that the next person (including her) that calls me that guys name is going to get it. The first couple of times okay it is habit??? Whatever, but the next few times and also including me in one of her past memories with him....I have about had it with this crap and am getting damn tired of it.

 

Why is it that I know who she is and have never once even come close to calling her my ex's name nor has anyone in family called her my ex's name, so this "habit" is really starting to get on my nerves. I told her last night "Should I just change my name to your ex's?? Will that make it easier for you and your family?"

 

Am I overreacting?? Do any of you or have any of you ever experienced this with a new realtionship? Why or how does this happen? My mind is racing with all kinds of ideas and thoughts...does she still somehow have deep seeded feelings she can't let go of or is she just so comfortable with me that she will accidentally do this?? Still, after 2 1/2 freaking years you would think that there would be no confusion of who I am and who he is or was? * * * is going on here? Last night she said she was very sorry about a thousand times, but still her sorry does not dismiss what happened and how totally awkward it made me feel. I tried to get her to understand my point I told her "What if I did the same thing to you with a story like that or called you her name a couple of times "on accident"...how would that make you feel? Probably how I feel right now and have felt before when you or your family call me by his damn name....like I am not any different than that guy. There's nothing about me that makes me any different than him?? Well, I'm not him so please try to remember that from now on because if not then the next time it happens things are not going to go good for you or me!!"

 

Does anyone have anything on this?? I am at a total loss because now I am having to try and act happy around her today like it really didn't bother me, but I am like totally bummed out now and I really don't know if I should try to just laugh it off and forget it or talk to her again tonite (sober) and tell her that these "accidents" need to stop now because like I said I have never even come close to doing that to her and it just really makes me feel like she is either somehow or someway still thinking of him maybe or something....I don't know. Any advice will help...thank you all for answering ahead of time...really, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!

[tylercdurden2004]

Sounds like she is not totally over him. If it was once or twice, maybe just a slip but all the time and to tell a story like that makes me wonder... Maybe shes extremely forgetful. I would confront her on this and give her time to think about it.

[Alpine Stars]

It's not all the time. She has only done this about 3 or 4 times over a 2 1/2 yr span, but that story thing kinda just got to me you know? How can you forget you are telling a story about a different person but thinking that it's the person you are talking to right in front of you?? That does happen to people...I have done that with friends, but with someone that is your love interest?? How do you confuse a past realtionship with a current one?? I've told a story before to a friend and might have gotten the people and places mixed up, but my sig other?? How could you confuse that??

 

Like I said though the name thing....that has only happened 3 or 4 times in 2 1/2 yrs...it's not everyday, but when it has happened it bothers the hell out of me. Is it me?? Am I overreacting? Not sure how to handle this...should I just drop it? I already made my point known to her last night pretty clearly and she said she was very truly sorry about a thousand times. Maybe that should just be the end of it, but at the same time I still feel bummed out about it. Who knows.

[ocrob]

Well, if it is an accident, then I don't think talking to her will help. She is not doing it on purpose. As long as you are confident that she loves you and is not in love with the ex, then I would cut her some slack.

[Tigris]

I've done this in the past too by accident with my 2nd (now ex) husband. The problem was that my parents and sisters kept in touch with my 1st husband and knew that we were still on friendly terms. If they mentioned him to me in lengthy conversations before I went home then sometimes I would call my 2nd husband his name!

 

If you confront her again all you are going to do is to make her think 'I must not say his name again' etc., she will repeat that to herself so much that eventually she will start to do it more often and become paranoid! Please don't put anymore pressure on her.

 

The only solution I can see to get her out of this habit is for her to call you darling or sweetheart, etc., then she's not using a name.

 

Please be patient with her.

 

Good luck

[melrich]

I agree with ocrob. In my experience it is pretty easy to make mistakes like that and I'm sure there is nothing to read into it. If she's still doing it in 5 years time then maybe you have cause to worry.

[miniblinded2]

I come from a long line of people who always gets people's names wrong. When I was a kid, my mom would call for me by every one of my sister's names, sometimes she even called me by the dog's name!

 

I've nearly called my current boyfriend by my ex's name on more than one occasion. I catch myself and I know he notices. Luckily, both start with the letter D. I'm so bad about confusing names that in the passion of the moment, I strictly use the terms "oh baby" or something of the sort because I'm too paranoid I'll use the wrong name. It has nothing to do with me thinking of anyone else! Trust me!! And my mind couldn't be any further from any thought of my ex! It's a brain fart. A form of name dyslexia. For a joke, try wearing a name tag at family gatherings.

 

About the trip she took with her ex and thought it was with you... well, it's kind of nice that she associates all of the positive happy times in her life with you. It just shows that she's so happy with you that she couldn't possibly have experienced happiness with anyone else!! So obviously that happy moment she had on that trip couldn't have been with anyone else but you!