Feeling funny

[sorryJason]

Well here I am again, for those of you who have followed my sob story, this is not the update I was promising, which is why I have filed it here. I just got back from a funeral for my class mate, it was very hard, I now know why I never went to other funerals, that I was supposed to attend.

 

The funeral really made me look at my own mortality, the guy was in my class, he was my age, I knew him quite well, he was a friend. And now he is gone, I was just partying with his sister the other weekend, I know her quite well.

 

Why was I the only one who didn't cry at the funeral? I wanted to, but I couldn't bring up the tears, I felt dead inside, has all this therapy made me dead inside? Can I no longer feel extreme feelings, I tend to think not, as I still have other strong feelings.

 

Staring at his coffin, all I could think of was my ex, and how much I still miss her everyday. How sick is that? I thought about how if that was me, would she come to my funeral? How sick am I? Have I no shame? Am I that self centered? I did all that was asked of me, talking with old friends and cousins, etc. But talking with them, most of them asking where my ex was, I guess they hadn't heard, some of them thought I was married! I made out like I always do, putting on a happy face and laughing it off, as I always do, but crying inside.

 

I guess I just want to write this to get this out, I know I have not been the best person I could be, and know that, seeing that now, makes me hate myself again. It was like looking at my buddy's coffin makes me think of all the mistakes I made, what I could have done differently, if I had to do again.

 

My life has changed so much in this last little while I barely recognize it, and now it is time for the biggest change, soon I will leave everything I know behind and start life again, with no mistakes, I will live each day, no each second, like it was my last. I will tell no lies, and make no enemies, hurt no one. I can only take one step at a time, but I will make those steps count.

 

Thank you all for being here for me, I love you all.

[shyanne]

I will live each day, no each second, like it was my last. I will tell no lies, and make no enemies, hurt no one. I can only take one step at a time, but I will make those steps count.

 

that's a wonderful outlook on life.. we should all do that. i'm sorry about your friend.. death is hard so be good to all the people you love cause you never know when their time will end.

[mystik]

People deal with grief differently...I've lost two of my grandparents and I have yet to truly cry. I mean, I didn't cry when I found out, and I didn't cry at my grandma's funeral. My friend was with me when I found out my grandma died, and I just went on with my day. She asked "are you okay? You don't seem upset" and that made me feel really guilty too. I was upset, I just didn't know how to react. The only times I did cry, I felt like I cried on purpose. I felt like I made myself think the most unhappy thoughts until I cried, so that I wouldn't feel so guilty about not crying. I felt even guiltier when I got dumped and couldn't stop crying for days. Why couldn't I cry over someone close to me's death, yet I could cry over someone I dated for barely a year?

 

You're not sick, and you're not self-centered. It's just the way people are wired to handle different situations. The fact that you realize this, and felt guilty, shows that you do care. You're not a heartless person because of those specific reactions. I don't know why it is this way, I wish I did tho.

 

Anyhow, you seem like you're on the right track. I wish you all the best*

[btbt]

Yeah, grief will bring up all kind of crazy emotions and thoughts, even those that seem inappropriate. Don't be too hard on yourself. Let your emotions flow naturally. When it's time to cry, you will cry. It sounds like you are in shock and need some time to process things. Best wishes to you.