cutting to make me me!- sorry its long!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

I feel really hypocritical writing this but i have to get it all out! I havent cut in ages i think its been almost a month but i cant help it im going to go back! Im so broken and torn and i just need a way to stop all this pain! I just need a way to get it all out and cutting does that! It stops my pain for at least a lil while! My friends will be disappointed and proboly hate me but what can i say. Im not as strong as i say i am. Sometimes i feel so happy! I really do, i am me for a little while! I love that side of me. When i get out there and joke around with everyone! When i can make people laugh (even when it is at me lol) when im the person they all turn to for help! But then something happens sometimes its caused by a fight or an argument or listening to mum go on again but sometimes its caused by nothing its like this big dark cloud falls upon me and i cant get out! It happens even at the best of times and suddenly i change from having a great time to feeling so down i just want to die! Only my best friend really notices the change because i fake being happy for the world! I dont want people to see im all depressed and sad! I want them to think good things. But when this cloud forms the only thing to stop it is to cut! sometimes i have to cut so many times just to get rid of it! Just to be happy again! But then as soon as im happy im back to me and off i go again smiling and jumping around! Whats wrong with me! Why all the sudden mood changes??? I just want to be happy and for people to see me! Please help me i dont want to go back but i ont see a choice! ](*,)

[xmrth]

If it's things like your mother getting on your nerves, arguments and not so fun situations getting you down, sometimes when one thing goes "wrong" EVERYTHING seems wrong. In fact, hat's how it is most of the time for everyone. It's actually really natural.

 

You cutting is only projecting not only a horrible image for yourself, hurting you, all of that, but is making you dependent on it to get you out of feeling that way.

 

It just takes time for it to pass.

With it happening out of nowhere, sometimes that can happen with the monotony of everyday life... that really depends, but somehow I feel like from what you describe, you're just easily upset by the little things.

 

If you keep letting things upset you, they'll just always escalate. If cutting yourself stops the pain for "a little while," well so can so many other things. Even permanently. It's not easy and it's not supposed to be easy, but sometimes you just have to face what's upsetting you and deal with it, let it go, and let it pass...

 

It sounds like it could easily go either way, and you should really get on top of it all and not turn to cutting... it's doing nothing for you.

[robowarrior]

Imagine that you are locked up in a room, what helps more cutting or a key to get out? Invest your energy into solving your problems instead of in cutting, redirect that energy.

Remember nothing in the universe makes you happy exept Love, thereforeeee

love and help other people.

[Moon Goddess]

But cutting won't make you feel better, well maybe for a while but then what? You friends care about you and they don't want you to cut, if you do cut you will only be hurting/betraying yourself and all the people that care about you. As for the mood swings that can be brought on by the problems and who you are with, I have felt the same one mintue I'm happy, next crying,then angry I know it sucks but just take it one emotion at a time.

 

I got this from another site kinda like this one see if it helps:

"What makes you cut? Cry, from your body not your eyes

Take your anger channel your rage, and cut to a NEW LIFE

It's your choice. . . "

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

I know im betryaing my friends! I hate it! I love them so much and all i do is hurt them! But i cant help it. Its the one thing that stops my pain. I want so much not to have to do this but i cant stop! I cant!!! Im so stupid i should be able to stop! I should be stronger then this. Im so weak... Im so pathetic...

[Kasai]

A month is alot, even almost! You aren't pathetic, I'm struggling for 2 weeks here. Maybe you could talk to your friends about it? Good luck. *hugs*

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Talk to my friends.... No way im only really close enough to a few of them and i dont want to worry them. I cant hurt them again.

[anonymous_presence]

Maybe all you need is a bit of perspective. The problem with self injurers is that we're too impulsive, that we get caught in the heat of the moment, and we think that in order to recover or to fix ourselves we need to cut, because that is the supposed foundation of our existence, the center around which our universe revolves.

 

But it isn't. Spilling blood and slicing open your skin doesn't make you any more you than eating a cookie does. We believe it does because it's a trained reaction, two unrelated things that appear to have a direct cause-and-effect relation. We're so submerged in hate or pain, too sad for words, that essentially anything will relieve us of our pain so long as we expect it to. You expect cutting to work, and so you receive it with a positive mindset, and it creates another vicious cycle that we have to deal with.

 

Of course, as always, it's much easier described than practiced in reality. Just try to delay the time in between the initial urge for cutting and the moment you actual do it. Take advantage of that time to gain some perspective. Think very literally; list out all the factors that have lead to this impulse mentally or even out loud (be very specific!).

 

Another thing I find that helps is imagining what it would be like to cut yourself. There was a study somewhere that said when people imagine themselves cutting they get a sort of physiological kick from it. It's not really a way to cure the problem, seeing as the entire self-injury is still there on a different level, but it helps to occupy yourself, to gain time before you actually plunge in with the blade.

 

I wouldn't always recommend talking to your friends. That's why we have sites like this, to rant and let it all off. Not every is a cutter or fully understands it, and people tend to have negative reactions to it. And you're right, you're friends will just worry, not necessarily judge you, but maybe become distant (depending on how close they are?). Besides, if you're not the type of person that confides in others very easily, then it would probably distress you more than anything, and may even trigger more self destructive impulses. You really ought to decide for yourself whether you should tell the people around you, but always trust in the fact that there are people here to listen to you!

[Moon Goddess]

You not pathetic and it's not always easy to be strong. Don't you see your asking for help that's one of the strongest things to do. You are not betraying them you are betraying yourself, No one else. Stopping is not easy if you have before you should know. This is not being weak you are being strong for everyone but yourslef, you may not care for yourself but other's do. Try and remember when you were around 7 years old when you thought you were the most beautiful person on the face of the earth, you loved yourself so much. I know things change but just as they changed once they can change again for better this time. Don't give up hope.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Its too late MG i have given up. Im lost in this world i need to get out. Im so broken im in so much pain. I cant make it stop. I just wanna make it stop! Cant anyone make it stop???

[anonymous_presence]

For what specific reasons are you feeling so much pain? What exactly is triggering your impulse to cut? Don't be vague or elusive, even though it's hard to get down on your knees and pluck out each individual cause of your distress from the vast garden of stressors. But we really can't help you in any meaningful way otherwise, unless you don't tire of hearing, "You can do it!"

 

 

If it helps, I used to be a in similar situation. I was never really addicted to cutting, but I did it every night for about a month in a sort of unconscious way. In the sort of way that I never stopped to think that I should probably not be doing this. Some days I'd be super elated, I'd be myself, but I'd feel so guilty thinking that I didn't deserve it that I would cut to bring myself down. And when I was down, I was so depressed that I needed to cut to make myself normal again. My cutting only worsened each high and each low, making it more difficult to cope with. The only way I could stabilize my mood was to refrain from cutting, despite all the attempts I made at catharsis and reflection and exploring my mental interior.

 

You just need to see that you can "be normal" and "your old self" again if you stop cutting. Don't think that it's futile to stop cutting because you can never be you as you ever again. You can! And you'll be all the more happy for it. The first few days of abstinence are always the hardest, but it's well worth it!

[Moon Goddess]

Ony you can make this pain stop, hold on to hope there are people who care about you. Your friends, people here on enotalone we care about you, I care about you. Don't give up channel this rage and pain into better things don't you want to be happy to be like that 7 year old you once were. You are allowed to be happy remember "No matter how dark the night is, the morning always comes" even if it seems like the sun isin't coming out it will. Trust me it will. Don't give up wait for the sun.

[BooScoutCookies]

What I did when I was trying to stop cutting was I filled my day with things to do and if I didn't have anything to keep cutting off the mind, I'd go to sleep.

 

Try to do other things to take your mind off of it. Draw a picture, go for a jog, call up a friend and get out of the house!

 

Just take it all one day at a time. Tell yourself "Okay I really want to cut right now, but I'm gonna go make some cookies instead." and then the next time you want to substitute it with something else. Before you know it, you'll not have cut in a long time. If you slip up a few times, keep trying. Give yourself a pat on the back if you're making progress. Treat yourself to something.

 

I know you can do it. I did it and I'm the most stubborn person aliiiiiive.

 

Best of luck, sweetie.

[Moon Goddess]

BooScoutCookies is right.

Occupy yourself, when you think of cutting do something else and if you have nothing to do get some ice cream and watch TV. Call up a friend, email them. Let yourself be happy and when you are don't think you don't deserve it because YOU DO. When your happy live it to the max. You help out others so you deserve more than happiness..so much more.

[Shakai]

I know it's not easy to confide in your friends because you might be afraid of their reactions, but if one of them was cutting would you want them to confide in you?

You're not pathetic. No one is. Cutting is quick release, try not to lose yourself in it. You'll only feel worse afterwards, for not being strong enough. Just occupy yourself with other things, say you haven't got time to do it.

It's hard to resist when the urge is strong, but when it's gone and you don't have to worry about bandaging or cleaning it you'll feel better.

[perfectliljewel]

i know how you feel. honestly all you can do is go see a professional. i know its hard, trust me i know, but that may be all you can do. you might have a medical problem that only they can fix. try to talk to a professional and im always here if you want to PM me.

[Managor]

If you're close enough with that best friend, and can trust them, even though I know how hard it is to talk to someone about something like this, being able to confide in them might make you feel relieved about whatever's on your mind at the time. I hope you can find other ways to get rid of that dark cloud, and you should consider seeing a cousellor. If you're still in school, most schools in Australia should have free counsellors who'll be more than happy to try and help you through it and give you professional advice.