Boyfriend going travelling without me. Should we end it?

[rachaelg]

Hi there,

 

I have posted a few times regarding my situation. My bf of a year and a half is leaving for 2 months to go tbackpacking through Thailand with 3 buddies. I think this is a great experience for him, and totally support him. We are both graduating from University this semester, so that is the reason he is going.

 

I know that we both love each other, and that I will miss him so much. We have decided that we want to try to stay together, but he has said "who knows what could happen, I could meet the girl of my dreams while I am away". When he said that I got a knot in my throat. I mean, we have had good times and bad, but I dont want him to go there and meet someone else. I want him to go, and realize what he has..miss me, and then come back in 2 months and attend our graduation ceremonies together.

 

2 months isn't super long to be apart. But we have never ever been away from each other. Never not talked for longer than 1 day. We both know this distance will make our break our relationship, and that it will test us to see if we are meant to be.

 

I guess I am just looking for some words of encouragement. If anyone has ever been in a similar situation, and how it ended. His departure date is in 3 weeks, and I have been thinking a lot about it. Just thinking that these three weeks might be the last I ever spend with him. And it just depresses me. ANy help would be appreciated. Thanks.

[friscodj]

He said to you, "who knows what could happen, I could meet the girl of my dreams while I am away"? I would ask him if he was really being serious when he told you this.

 

If he was, this essentially says that you are not the woman of his dreams. If I were in your shoes, I'd be sick to my stomach. You should definitely consider this a big deal to your relationship and consider finding someone who, after being with you for 1.5 years, considers you to be the woman of his dreams...

[tmp0620]

Just gotta say....

 

I completely agree with friscodj.

[orgasmictofu]

I was saying to myself "so what's the problem" while I was reading your post.

 

Until I saw "who knows what could happen, I could meet the girl of my dreams while I am away".

 

If he was saying it jokingly, some guys are like that, then fine, let it slide. But since it's bugging you enough to post asking about it, I'm guessing it wasn't a joke.

 

Not cool on his part. I would do him the service myself and give him better access to the girl of his dreams. I would break up with him.

 

But that's just me.

[vesper]

hi rachaelg,

wow - well, you are both young and should really should take up these opportunities even if you are in a relationship. What he said to you sounds very hurtful and I would really be cautious in this relationship.

 

However you could just ignore it and say 'whatever'...

 

I had a roommate once who was apart from her boyfriend for two years - they each were doing their own thing for two years on their 'working holiday' - a time to really do some soul searching, live life adventure etc.

 

they were however planning on being married AFTER they were done, but during that time it was sort of a break-up to really live life to the fullest. During those times I remember she went through a lot of heartache and not knowing what was going on - he would not call her for days and days at a time (because he did not have access to a phone actually) - but they ended up getting together at then end and being married..

 

 

it's really all about the strength of your relationship and your attitude...

 

 

[friscodj]

So how would you feel if the man you love and had been with for 1.5 years seriously told you, "who knows what could happen, I could meet the girl of my dreams while I am away"?

[vesper]

So how would you feel if the man you love and had been with for 1.5 years seriously told you, "who knows what could happen, I could meet the girl of my dreams while I am away"?

 

Well, I would definitely FEEL hurt by the comment, but I would never show it. I would just kind of laugh and shrug it off make him feel STUPID for saying such a thing instead of acting weak...( I would actually be thinking ' I'm the girl of your dreams') Make him realize that SHE is the girl of his dreams ... if they are breaking up there has to be other issues here than just one comment..

[tylercdurden2004]

Thats not to cool for him to say. As someone who spent 4 years travelling and had a long distance relationship for a good part of it I would never imagine myself saying that to my GF unless i was expecting something to happen. Obviously hes going to Thialand the land of temptation he must be thinking you might have some worries founded or unfounded so hes definitely showing insensitivity towards your feelings. By the sounds of it I wouldnt hang on to him. Sorry to say this but from my experience it sounds as if hes telling you this so the balls is in your court and not his. Not cool.

[annie24]

"who knows what could happen, I could meet the girl of my dreams while I am away".

 

Yeah, was this a joke, or was he being serious? He could have been serious in the way of, "Who knows - I may get run over by a train tomorrow." Sure, it happens. Anything can really happen. Some people are "overly realistic" that way and their bluntness can really get to people like us who read into things.

 

2 months isn't a long time. I remember your other post, it sounded like he was really planing on coming home to you and that you had nothing to worry about.

 

Why are you so worried?

 

What does your gut tell you?

 

Seriously, from your last post, I thought that everything sounded fine, and that you were being too paranoid about his trip. After all, you will be going on your own trip soon!

 

Do you really feel like something is wrong?

[rachaelg]

hey all. thanks for your kind words and advice. I guess that I should explain that comment a little better. We had a talk about what was going to happen when he was going away. And he said that "he had morals, and is going knowing that he has a gf" and then went on to say, but "who knows, I could meet the girl of my dreams while I am away, you could meet the guy of yours. Heck. I could meet the girl of my dreams while I am in the doctors office tomorrow. But it isn't very likely". That is the full extent of it. I think that it was his attempt to kinda tell me who knows what will happen.

 

I dont know why I am so worried about this. As horrible as this sounds, I really dont think that he will be able to be faithful to me for 2 months. I dont even know what wouold make him want to go there. I tried asking, but he cant seem to explain it. He is dieting now so he will look good on the beach. I know that isn;t a big deal. But I really feel that in his head he is going there with open eyes, and not with a heart soley devoted to me. I know he wants to have fun and a good time. But I just dont feel like he really is thinking long term for us after that comment. which sucks. Cause I feel 100% different.

 

I know that no one can predict the future. but i almost want to let him go single, so I dont have to deal with the pain of hearing over the internet that something happened. I know that is silly. But I guess I just dont have much faith in him. And I feel really guilty about that.

[friscodj]

I wouldn't have much faith in someone who has said what he has said to you either. I don't see why you feel guilty...

 

It's very clear that he is not thinking about long term plans with you. If that were the case, he'd be saying things more to the tune of, "You are my dream girl and I can't wait to get back to see you. This will work out honey."

 

This trip he is taking is a perfect opportunity to create some emotional distance between you two. It will be a easier to get over him with him being in a different country. I suggest you take it...

[mystik]

Don't feel guilty about your feelings. If I were you, I would feel exactly the same way if my boyfriend said something like that - even if it was just in jest or hypothetically speaking.

 

My ex once told me "It couldn't and wouldn't be better anywhere else" then proceeded to stop in his tracks, hesitate, and say "well i don't think so...no..." and my heart just about broke. I asked him why he would say such a thing and he just got all nervous and serious and said "well we just never know what the future might bring right".... I didn't for the life of me understand why he would say such things to me. .a month later, I realized he was slowly preparing me for the break up. He was hinting, but then saying he loved me, and treated me well..but yet once in a while, some strange comments that got me really upset. I ignored them all and let them go...but in the end, he broke up with me for someone else. I now see what he was trying to do. He was trying to let me know about what might or might not happen.

 

I don't mean to be a downer, but I think you should trust your gut instincts. I disregarded mine, and got so hurt in the end. I completely shoved aside what I felt so that I could fully trust him when in the back of my mind, I could feel like something wasn't right. He never did cheat on me, but I felt like he was no longer 100% devoted to me since he had said those things. I knew, because months earlier, he would have never considered saying anything like that to me..then out of nowhere, he did.

 

Every situation is different though, and I have personally seen a relationship last even being without each other for 4 months. My friend "mike" and his girlfriend "maria" dated for four months after highschool graduation. She then went to a different university accross the country for 4 months. It was hard, but she came back and they were still together. In fact, it has been 3 years since they first started dating and they are still together. It is possible that it will work out.

 

However, I think you should proceed with caution. Don't ever feel guilty about what you feel, your emotions may be trying to tell you something that your mind doesn't want to see. Do you feel like your fear and lack of faith in him is truly warranted? If so, trust your gut. I hope it all works out for you.

[friscodj]

It has been my experience that it is most often the little things that happen in a relationship that show the ultimate truth of the bigger picture you have with your mate. We may not notice these things for whatever reason, being too hopeful, too optimistic, or just being too in love, etc. Sometimes we do see them and brush them off as nothing...

 

But when I look back, I can recall times like this, when either her or I have said or done something that didn't seem like much at the time, but after the bottom fell out of the relationship, I was like, "Why didn't I see this sooner? The signs were there!"

 

The signs are there for you I think. Put yourself in his shoes. Pretend you were leaving for a trip as he is. What would you say to him? Also pretend your best friend is in your situation. What would you say to her?

[Burning]

Say what?

 

I once dated a man that said "you'll do" when I asked him if he was happy with me.

 

Whether he was joking or not was irrelevant to me. I dumped the bum immediately for saying such a hurtful and insensitive thing. He then stalked me for the next 2 years...all of a sudden I guess I was better than adequate.](*,)

 

My advice to you...put as much distance between you and this guy asap. Take care of YOU.

 

Burning...out

[vesper]

It has been my experience that it is most often the little things that happen in a relationship that show the ultimate truth of the bigger picture you have with your mate.

 

when relationships go bad - it's always easy to look back and see the signs - I completely agree. Hindsight is 20/20. His comment - what he said to her about meeting the girl of his dreams... kind of made me cringe too.

 

All I am saying is this:

 

*one should not be so quick to end a relationship*

 

however - trust your gut feelings on this...there is where your answer lies..

[orgasmictofu]

hey all. thanks for your kind words and advice. I guess that I should explain that comment a little better. We had a talk about what was going to happen when he was going away. And he said that "he had morals, and is going knowing that he has a gf" and then went on to say, but "who knows, I could meet the girl of my dreams while I am away, you could meet the guy of yours. Heck. I could meet the girl of my dreams while I am in the doctors office tomorrow. But it isn't very likely". That is the full extent of it. I think that it was his attempt to kinda tell me who knows what will happen.

 

Still feel the same way as I did in my earlier reply.

 

He doesn't feel you are the girl of his dreams. Why waste your time? Do you really want him to "settle" with you?

[friscodj]

True, true. There is always more to the story than what we as Internet strangers read on this site...

 

But there are exceptions to this too, like if you come home and find your mate in bed doing the nasty with someone else, and/or they pull a gun on you one day, you know, big things like that...

[friscodj]

"settle"

 

Key word...that's what's going on in this relationship for both of you I think...

[annie24]

I'm not going to be quite so quick to judge him on that comment alone... but... rachel, if you feel in your gut that something is off, then maybe you should listen to that voice.

 

Yeah, hindsight is always 20/20. After a relationship goes sour, it is very easy to say, "oh, I knew it wasn't meant to be when he/she said this...." But, at the time you give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

so...... I dunno. Listen to your gut!

[tylercdurden2004]

Rach,

 

I totally agree with tofu. Do you want someone who is just going to "settle" for you?

 

You have talked to him and brought up your fears and he did nothing to allay them. That to me says "I aint joking".

 

Like I said before it must cross his mind at some point that you must be wondering about his behaviour while hes away. Especailly in a place like Thailand. But that doesnt seem to matter and he did nothing from the start to reduce any anxiety you may be having. in fact you brought it up with him and he still did nothing. This speaks volumes to me. I really think he is looking for an out for his potential future feelings. So if he cheats he can turn around and say "I told you I wasnt sure" and thus not feel guilty about his actions.

 

You see when I was younger I thought relationships were all about:

 

1) Finding that person that you wanted to be wtth for the rest of your life. And once you realized for whatever reason that this person or yourself didnt want that, that was the end of the relationship. There is no need to continue once you truly know.

 

Well after being through the ol' wringer of life I have realized there is many reasons why people can stay in relationships. But the other "main" reason is:

 

2) For growth, practice,enjoyment etc. Means being with someone because even though you know the arent the "one" its not detrimental to be with them and you are having fun and they are having fun.

 

But and this is the big but, relationships depend on one key element and taht is being on the same page. The same page means having the same expectations of each other and more importantly what the relationship holds for each of you. Once this is "unbalanced" the relationship has become unhealthy. Communication is key so that each party knows the others expectations. You simply cant continue in a relationship when the other wants to be married and you dont. I am not talking about someone saying "I want to be married one day" I am talking "I want to be married now". There is a huge imbalance of expectations taht will get in the way. Sure not everyone knows what they want in life all the time. in fact I would say its almost impossible to "know". Its why so many have regrets later on in life. But the best you can do is live "up" to YOUR expectactions.

 

Same goes for #2 realtionships. Sometimes on or the other feels they want more out of the relationship and after talking about what each other wants or expects from it there is a clear imbalance, its time to end it before the hurt becomes more.

 

You need to really think and analyze your expectations of him and the relationship and talk to him and listen to what he says. Think about it more and you will have your answer. Does his expectations match up to yours?

 

I am guessing not.

[friscodj]

Well spoken Tyler!

[vesper]

But there are exceptions to this too, like if you come home and find your mate in bed doing the nasty with someone else, and/or they pull a gun on you one day, you know, big things like that...

 

ha ha ha - are you speaking from experience??

[friscodj]

Thankfully I've never had a chick pull the steel on me...almost got pepper sprayed once, wasn't my fault though, case of mistaken identity...then there was the ex-boyfriend with the baseball bat...stories for another day perhaps...

[rachaelg]

wow.

 

thank you all so much for your thoughtfulness. It is truly wonderful. I understand what you are saying. I know deep down that he does not see himself with me forever sometimes. Yet, we have broken up before for a period of 1 month...and by the end of that month he was crying calling begging..telling me we belonged together and that it is meant to be.

 

One thing I know, is that he does not appreciate me at all. And he just says things like that comment about me not being the girl of his dreams..without thinking. He just says stuff. He doesn;t try to hurt people, or say things that are intentionally mean, but he often just blurts things out without thinking. I have learned to grow a tough skin, and just shrug them off. But they still hurt.

 

I know that he has stated that he wants to be together while he is away, and that we both DO love each other, and that he would be very upset if we ended it. But I agree with you all here. Something doesn;t feel right. I shouldn;t be this concerned after 1.5 years. I should be thinking that 2 months with him gone is no big deal as we are strong enough to handle it. But he is not giving me any reassurance of that. Quite the opposite really.

 

I dont want to jump the gun and break up because I think he migth not be faithful, or because i think that he doesn;t really see himself with me...because like I said...he isn't the most thoughtful or sensitive guy of others feelings. And he often says things without realizing how they sound. (ex. once he told me that I am the most 'un-understanding person in the world -but that is a different story) I guess I just dont want to be sitting here at home..while he is in thailand ..and feeling sick..worrying or stressing out that any day there will be an email from him ending it, or saying that he met 'the one'..... but then again..no one can tell the future....

 

sigh....sorry for blabbing on again. I really appreciate all of your kind words and thoughtful insights. Thanks again. Rach

[annie24]

well, you know, don't ignore your gut instincts. I do think if everything was fine, then there would be no reason to worry about a 2 month trip. But it sounds like things aren't fine, trip or not. I know it is super duper duper hard, but maybe it's better to end things now, rather than have him tell you 5 years from now that "you are not the one." maybe he already knows that now.

 

I think that after 1.5 years, you deserve to know what his intentions with you are. Ask him if he is planning on marrying you one day. If he says no, then as hard as it is, move on. You are young, there are plenty of other men out there.