Confused by married woman of 2

[adoracion]

For all that reply, thanks in advance! This is my 1st post here. I think this post will be therapeutic for me because I don't feel comfortable talking with my friends. I don't totally understand what I'm feeling at this moment. I know that this is going to be a long post and for those that take the time to read it, thank you! I just really need to vent.

 

I'm a 25 yr old female. I've been in heterosexual relationships my whole life. All was grand until about a year ago. I saw her from accross the room. I ate my lunch (at work) thinking how gorgeous she was. She carried herself well and had a mystique about her. I found myself trying not to stare at her. From that moment, I found myself thinking about her and wanting to know every little thing about her.

 

A little bit of time passed and I mustered up the confidence to start a conversation with her as we left the job. After that it was pretty easy. Now I've gotten to know her better. She's opened up to me about some personal things and trusts that I can keep her secrets. She's older than me. She's 34. Married. 2 kids. Two people at work told me that she "likes women", but you can't always believe what you hear. Even if I knew for sure that she likes women, she's married...and don't see myself being with her in the sexual sense.

 

Knowing this, I still engulf myself in thoughts of her. I never knew I could feel this way about anyone...not a man and esp not a woman. Before I heard the gossip, I thought that maybe she was atleast bi. When we first started talking, she was really wishy washy. One day we would have a profound conversation that you don't normally have with just anybody and the next, she's really distant. The only consistency in her behavior was that she would be inconsistent. I wrote it off as her having a bad day or maybe a mental problem .

 

Now things are cool because we enjoy talking to eachother. Alot of times I just feel like she's a friend that I care a great deal about. But then I would get sucked back in like she was a vacuum. I'm in one of those moments now. I find myself thinking about whether or not she likes me because she shows the signs. When we talk we stare at eachother without breaking eye contact...I mean for like the whole conversation...even during pauses. When I see her talking to other people, she's rarely maintains eye contact. She smiles at me alot. I honestly have never seen her smile with any one else. Her tone of voice is softer/happier with me than others. When we pass and nobody's around she sometimes has this smirk on her face with these bedroom eyes. She even accused me of being somewhere when I knew she'd be there. I told her I wasn't and she said I was lying (and she seemed to like the idea because she had this big smile on her face). I got more specific about my reason for being there and I think she was embarrased. I've even caught her sneaking looks at me and she would act nervous. I also noticed when she sees me from far away she's cool and collected, but if I happen to spring up on her, she seems nerovus. I know all this can mean that she's just really fond of me, but although I've tried to deny it, I can't help but think she likes me.

 

I'm confused because although I have deep feelings for her, I don't think of her sexually. I don't even think I really really want to know whether or not she likes me because I don't have the desire to be with her sexually. It's like the dog that chases the car, but when it stops, he doesn't know what to do. I can look at her and tell she has a nice body, but I don't get aroused or anything. I think of her emotionally. Like I want to be the one she confides in. I want her to think about me as much as I think about her. I'd like her to just be able to tell me how much I mean to her. I want to be there for her, I want to hug her and be the one she shares everything with. I want to feel needed by her, and I know it's not healthy.

 

The last few days I've even gotten a little jealous. One of our co-workers has been chasing her for a long time now. She would tell me that she doesn't like him, and seemed kind of annoyed by his persistence, but lately I would see them off to the side chatting it up. She never appeared to like him alot, but she's sitting and talking with him every day, so what do I know. It's like they have this whole routine about how they go about it. Even then, I didn't care. I found it slightly humorous until a few days ago when I got jealous (which is out of character for me). I didn't like the fact that she kind of hurried and brushed off what we were saying and went to go talk to him. The funny thing is we were just engaging in small talk and I was on my way out the door so I shouldn't feel jealous. Even if that wasn't the case, I know I shouldn't get jealous. This is a married woman. When she speaks of her husband I don't hurt at all. It's just that every day at the same time she talks to this guy. We don't see eachother every day and when we do, sometimes it's just long enough to say hello. I sound like a big kid, but I wish I had her attention more. At work it's like hit or miss, but this guy knows that when he waits for her at a certain time, she's going to be there to talk. All that I'm feeling is confusing becuase I've never had an extremely close friend. I don't know if the feelings I have are of extreme friendship or more. I don't understand this need to connect with her on a deeper level. I really care about her.

[Bethany]

I think that the only thing you have to remember here is that she is a married woman. It all seems to moved into one big 'scary' flirt and it's becoming obsessional. You said yourself that it's not sexual and the more you carry on in this way the deeper out of control you will feel.You need to get away from her before you get hurt or humilated by her.

[OutingMyself]

Adoracion, I too think you should keep in mind she is married AND has two kids, but I also think you should clear your mind up with regards to what you feel for her. I mean in terms of your sexual orientation.

 

Do you like her? What do you feel for her? How have you felt towards men up to know? How does it compare with what you feel for her?

 

It's just that you say you are not attracted to her sexually, but are emotionally. It was the same for me, at the beginning. It was only an emtional attraction, but very very strong and I too dismissd it thinking that since I was not thinking of her sexually, it was nothing. Fact it, shortly after, I did start to feel sexually attracted to her as well. It might be different for you, but thought I'd share.

[adoracion]

Both of you are right. She's married and that's something I respect. I don't plan on having anything more than a friendship with her. I like being around her, but sometimes it's hard. I may have to distance myself from her if this continues.

 

OutingMyself, I've been with only men. Not to get too explicit, but I like sex with men and get turned on by men. I recently started to reflect internally about my orientation. I've never had a man make me feel so nervous before. Don't think I've liked any man as much as I like her. Never felt like this about a woman. Because of this, I don't view myself as completely heterosexual. I don't view the lack of sexual thoughts as nothing. The lack of sexual interest is confusing to me. Sometimes I think if I did want to have sex with her, it would be less confusing. I would just say I like it with both men and women.

 

If I start thinking of her sexually, then that's something that I will have to cope with. Who knows, maybe I'm going thru the same process you went thru. OutingMyself, was it as confusing to you at first?

[amipushy]

I went through something similar years ago when I became friendly with a lesbian. We both got caught up in the same kind of thing, it was a deep friendship with no sexual attraction on both our parts. She made me question my inner self then I realised that we were both getting scared of what was happening.

I got out of it by doing this... when she said something 'flirty' to me and took a deep breath an said, " Look you're making me want to end this friendship by you treating me this way, I am not bisexual, I am not gay and I would prefer it if you didn't treat me like I am, I am a friend and that's all I want to be". Then I left her alone to think about it, she came back to me a few hours later with a big beaming smile because she realised that it was all in our own heads. We took a few days away from each other and things slowly calmed down and we caried on our friendship until she moved away back home several hundred miles away to be near her mum. We still keep in touch and she knows I will always be there for her as a friend.

It took some guts on my part but it had to be done.

[OutingMyself]

Adoracion, how long has this been going on? OK, you have never though about her sexually, but do you feel like touching her? Kissing her?

[adoracion]

This has been going on for quite a few months now. I do feel like touching her sometimes...like giving her a hug. I'm a touchy person with many of my friends, but not her because I think she likes me and I don't feel that comfortable enough with her. BUT...I have fantasized about kissing her.

[OutingMyself]

Adorazion, I am not saying that this is going to be the same for you, but...

 

I too have dated only guys, though it has never worked and I actually never really managed to really really like the (the most I felt was affection).

 

But when I met this girl at work I felt like I had never felt before. At the beginning I was not sexual about it as well, but slowly I started to have the urge to be near her and touch her. I had to catch myself twice, when I realised I was invading her personal space - I swear my body was literaly going to her!

And soon after I started fantasing of kissing her...on the mounth and then I wanted to all over and so later my thoughts did become sexual, as I just ahd these thoiughts of undressing her, kissisng her um etc. (i bet you get the picture).

 

It ptobably took me two months to get to this point, maybe a bit less.

So, I guess you should wait and see what happens, but it sucks for she is married and has two kids...

[adoracion]

OutingMyself, yes, I do get the picture lol. Did you befriend the woman you were interested in? I really do enjoy being her friend, but at times it's hard. It's weird. I saw her today and that guy was waiting for her. I didn't care...maybe because she didn't brush me off. We'll see if my thoughts evolve into something more X rated. That would really suck. I wouldn't get with a married man and the same applies for women...esp married with kids.

 

Now there's the whole label thing. Another friend jokingly asked if I "swing that way." I said no. Then I began to think to myself, because of these new feelings, do I? I don't understand why who you love and care for is such a huge deal. I hate labels, but I still consider myself heterosexual although I know not totally. I even told a few friends that I'm not 100% heterosexual. Any thoughts on this?

[OutingMyself]

Adoracion,

don't label yourself. For me, what I felt for this girl was so strong, so real, that I really could not push it away. And well, I had been waiting to feel like that for someone for a long long time.

I don't know if this is the case for you, but the thought that i might be gay had come up in my head sometimes over the years. Yet, i was not convinced, not until I met her and my feelings went ballistic.

 

It took me awhile and it was a complex process, for me to consider myself gay, to shift my identiy from considering myself heterosexual to lesbian. And there was a certain point when I felt stuck in the middle and I felt lost and confused.

I had all these wonderful feelings for a woman and that just forced me to put together all the clues I had gathered over the years on my sexuality and stop finding other explanations for them. I mean, I really have always liked girls, but never allowed myself to put the pieces together. I would just justify it with stuff like, 'I really admire her', 'I really would like to be like her' It was all B.S. I liked them, but the more I liked them, the more I kept them at a distance. Oh and then there was the fact that I did date and sleep with men. I mean, if I were a true lesbian, would that not make me sick? BS a lot of BS again, the first time I slept with a men, I cired because it proved I was heterosexual and I felt like this weight had be lifted from me, that after all I was "normal". But, again, all BS. Reality is that the most I'ìve ever been able to feel for guys was affection, and that having sex, to me, was just physical - no emotional connection to it - and that is because i don0t like guys, I am not turned on by guys in that emotional sense. SUre, I can have sex, it's physical, I can do that myself, but is it really sex or is it just mechanical satisfaction of sexual impulses?

 

Anyway, having all these emotions for this girl gave me the last shove I needed to face my sexuality. But, it was confusing and tough. ANd, as I said, I was stuck in the middle for awhile - could not go back to consider myself heterosexual and, frankly, did not want to! In 25 years I had never felt anything even remotely to what I was feeling, not only I had been craving to fee like this, like all my firends said they had felt, like I read in books or heart on the radio and I wanted a life where I could feel like this, fall in love etc.and so I was so grateful for having met with this girl.

But it took me awhile to identify as a lesbian. To me, it was because I knew nothing about it. So, surfign the net, reading stuff, seeing movies helped. I came to know this other life that was possible and it fit like a glove. I felt at home. It was only then that I could finally identify with being a lesbian.

Since I have done that, I have started to come out to others. but, to me, first it was important to know what and who I identified with, but I never forced myself. When I was in the muddy inbetween phase, I did not categorize myself. Now, I feel I can say i am a lesbian. Six motnhs ago, I would have not said this, I would have said I was hetero (though i was questioning myself). Three months ago, i would have told you I did not know anything anymore.

 

There are people who might prefer not categorising themselves at all. I need to, but I can respect those who do not wanto to, or do not feel it is for them. I guess it is up to what the individual feels works for them.

 

Don't pressure yourself. Jut go with what you feel. WHen I was very confused, I would just close my eyes an listen to my emotions. Those had known all along I liked girls. it was my brain that was not ready to accept it.

 

I don't know if this is your case or not. But, give yourself time and be patient. It will all work out in the long run, rest assured of that.

[Cadence308]

adoracion, I have to say that your original post reminded me of myself a few years ago. My original post is on this site somewhere since my sexuality is the reason that I started posting on this site anyway. To make a long story short, I met an older woman in my weight training class that I was teaching at the university while I was finishing my master's degree. At the time I was dating men that I met on a dating site online and somehow it leaked to the whole class. She started asking me all kinds of questions about my dating life. Things were getting so personal between us in there. She is a professor at this university so I was really confused. Then she wanted to know what I looked for in a relationship, what kind of men I dated, what my profile said and looked like, every little thing about me. Sometimes I wondered if she was attracted to me. She would always tell me how beautiful I was and flirt with me. I noticed that I would get a little jealous when she would talk to anyone for a long time in weight class and not give me more attention.

 

I had really liked some of my women friends before, but I always brushed things off as being just friends. However, I've never slept with a man and haven't really had a boyfriend since I was 15 years. After I took a job and moved away, I really started missing her. I had been thinking about her a lot before, but after I moved and being homesick, she was constantly on my mind. We emailed, but not as frequently as I would have liked. I started fantasizing about what it would be like to kiss her and then to make love with her. I wanted to be close to her in the worst way.

 

So, I think I understand what you are feeling and thinking. I think that you are falling in love with this woman. This can't be a good situation primarily because she is a married woman with 2 children. If you feel like you can't handle what is happening between the 2 of you, then I would suggest distancing yourself from her or ending the friendship. If you have been fantasizing about what it is like to kiss her then you will probably end up thinking about making love to her. You may end up getting more jealous, etc. This doesn't exactly make you a lesbian. You may be somewhat bisexual, as there's a continuum for sexuality. She may be the woman that converts you to lesbianism!

 

What do you want from your relationship with her?

[adoracion]

OutingMyself & Ballys, I want to thank you for sharing your experiences. I really do appreciate it. I can relate to your stories.

 

Ballys, I say to myself all the time that I love this woman. The only thing that's missing are of course the sexual thoughts. For me, fantasizing about kissing is enough for me to know that I may be atleast slightly bisexual. I know I do have strong feelings for her. I currently can't say I like women in general, but I have feelings for this particular woman.

 

 

Ballys, to sum it all up what I want is to be very close friends. I want her to be able to tell me anything because she can. She doesn't have to worry about me blabbing about her personal life and vice versa. It would be nice if she acknowledged that she thinks I'm special too. I also wouldn't mind cuddling either.

 

I have thought about distancing myself, but I like her so much. The positives are currently outweighing the negatives. So far I can deal with the pain I feel at times.

[Cadence308]

Glad that I could help. You know, some lesbians don't have sex with their partners, but love them more than anyone else. I've done some reading on the internet since I started questioning my sexuality almost 2 years ago and I've read that lesbians are the most sexually repressed people. They are more sexually repressed than gay men and women in heterosexual relationships. It makes sense because two women get together and women are typically not the aggressors when it comes to sex. So, one of the women has to initiate sex or nothing happens and the one who wants sex the most doesn't want to seem pushy or too aggressive and so on.

 

I can tell that you have some deep feelings for this woman. If you think that you can keep things in check and keep it at the friendship level then I don't think that you have anything to worry about. However, kissing and thinking about kissing this woman is wandering into the romantic aspect of a relationship. There is a chance that eventually you could want more with her.

 

At any rate, keep us posted!

[OutingMyself]

I second all that Ballys has just written.

And yes, do keep us posted please.