Should I break up a marriage for the women i love?

[r1]

I need some advice people... It has been on my mind for a long time. First off.. let me tell you about the girl. Best friends for 9 years on and off....been to every high school dance together... and we talk all the time. For a period.. we did not talk that much and she got married. She has been married for I think 3 years. Everytime we hang out now, there is the spark we had since the first time I saw her. I am not sure what to do.. because they do have a child together. I don't want her hurt or the childs life threatened w/o his real father to raise him up....She is the only girl that makes me happy and I think she feels the same way with me..We are now older and more mature.. but I keep stopping myself because I want to tell her how I feel. Is this going to cause more problems? I understand some of the consequences of the divorce with her family and me... but this is the girl that fires my heart up... ever since the first day I meet her.. she was glowing... Please.. need some kind of advice because my mind is not thinking straight right now....

 

What should I do?

 

OK.. just wanted to add something as well... I know I might be selfish in doing so.. but I think I should tell whats in my heart.. I dont think there are any boundries when it comes to love...Besides the only reason they are married is because of their child.... besides me treating her better... I think I should just tell her.. (she obviously already knows and I know how she feels) but I just want to say it in person... Does this clarify the situation more..

[Kevin T]

I think it would pretty selfish to break up the girl you claim to love's marriage. Never mind it not sitting well with me or being immoral, that's irrelevant. It just doesn't sound very kind or loving of a thing to do. Love puts the other person first, right? That being said, you need to consider her happiness and find someone else who can make you happy.

[BillyJean714]

I DEFINITELY think you shouldn't.

 

First of all, how would it feel, if say- you were married to your best friend (the girl you're posting about) and some other guy tries to snag her, all the while, you both have a child together?

 

Would you like that?

 

If anything, I bet you within the 9 years (since you did attend all the high school dances together), she knows you had a thing for her but doesn't feel the same.

 

Bite the bullet and move on. That's all I have to say.

[Kevin T]

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this... but if she leaves him for you, chances are she will eventually leave you for another guy. (It's a sad fact that cheaters tend to cheat throughout their lives.) So I don't think you'd be exempt from that either.

[BillyJean714]

True. Very true.

[zpivat]

Don't do it. I can't believe you even thought of doing it!

[marolua]

I can't believe everyone else told you not to tell her! In any case, you are not planning to tell her to get a divorce, if you just want to tell her how you feel and can be content with whatever response/result you get, than go and tell her immediately! By knowing that you have an interest in her, doesn't mean that she will give up her marriage immediateley, and if she does eventually, then it means that that was what was meant for both of you.

Please tell her, there is nothing to lose, and loving somebody married does not mean that you are ruining their relationship. If their relationship is strong enough, it wouldn't harm them, but why not just tell her for the sake of letting her know about your feelings?

 

Don't forget, life can be really short sometimes!

[BillyJean714]

Okay, this is someone's marriage that we're talking about.

 

This is about integrity. It's important to respect the boundaries of their marriage.

[Kevin T]

I think if he is going to tell her how he feels, the husband should be present as well. I know if someone was in love with my wife, I'd rather him tell me and her at the same time... because if I found out, I would not be happy.

[BillyJean714]

Seriously.

 

That sounds fair. Tell her if you want. Make sure her husband is present, as well.

[Esmeralda]

Ok, I'm going to be very direct (don't mean to be mean, I swear!)

You said she's been married for 3 years and you've known her for 9. It's very obvious that, although she might be very attacted to you, she does not love you. She loves the person she MARRIED. Attraction does not equal love.

[r1]

Well we kinda dated earlier in our friendship. And I know what you are saying, but I think you have the wrong idea. She is attracted to me and well as I am with her. But it is not just the attraction. She did cheat on him with me, but I stopped it. She is much more happier with me. You get what I am saying? or am i just getting more confusing

[r1]

esmeralda i think you have the wrong idea.. its just not attraction... attraction and looks only go so far.. ya know?

[Prenkle]

It's a tough question. I think that if you look at it from a strictly moral and selfless point of view, the answer would be obviously no. You shouldn't think about getting between two married people. I think the only kind of reasons you would have for telling a married person that you love them is of the selfish kind. 1) You want to get this secret off your chest. 2) You think she will be happier with you than she is/would be with her current husband. 3) Or all of the above.

 

You have to think about how it will affect her life. It will introduce confusion and maybe even guilt since she would now have to debate whether she should tell her husband or not. It might even break your friendship, because if she doesn't feel the same way, she'll go to great lengths to avoid you in order to feel less guilty.

 

The only exception I can think of is if she has expressed her discontent with her marriage or if she's in an abusive one. Or the final reason - you'll die if you don't tell her.

[Esmeralda]

esmeralda i think you have the wrong idea.. its just not attraction... attraction and looks only go so far.. ya know?

 

 

I got ya. I understand you see it as an ongoing love affair. I've been where you are...sometimes you gotta see the bottom line. This is not going to a happy place. Let's look at it objectively. There are a few choices and outcomes:

 

1) She cheats on him with you for a while. She stays with him, you waste time and emotion.

 

2) She cheats on him with you. She leaves him for you. What makes you think she won't cheat on you, as well?

 

3) She cheats on him with you. She stays with him. You fall in love with someone else and marry her...does the word Karma ring any bells?

 

I feel for you. It's tough but you gotta take your emotions out of the mix and consider only the facts.

[r1]

You are correct.. i guess when you are in the situation everything is a domino effect. I understand where you are coming from.. but some people learn from their mistakes.. i used to cheat on people but with my ex i didnt. I learned from it. lifes a learning process. I understand tho... I am going to talk to her about it sometime today... i will just say i will be here waiting for you... and move on and look for other women.. Even with my exs for years.. all those emotions with them tied up doesnt even compare the way i feel with her when she just smiles at me....the way she smells.. the way her eyes glisten.. the way she touches me..

[Esmeralda]

You are correct.. i guess when you are in the situation everything is a domino effect. I understand where you are coming from.. but some people learn from their mistakes.. i used to cheat on people but with my ex i didnt. I learned from it. lifes a learning process. I understand tho... I am going to talk to her about it sometime today... i will just say i will be here waiting for you... and move on and look for other women.. Even with my exs for years.. all those emotions with them tied up doesnt even compare the way i feel with her when she just smiles at me....the way she smells.. the way her eyes glisten.. the way she touches me..

 

Well, I wish you much luck. I'm glad you're thinking about meeting other people. That is the first step. It's not going to be easy but one thought should stay in your head. You're worth having someone all to yourself.