I don't know?

[mick7734]

Well this seems like a good place to talk about all this pent up anxiety I have. Its just I pretty much wanna die....wanna kill myself. I think about it every single day and I wish I could do it.

Today has been a particularily bad day for me. Im more down then I have been for quite some time. I just wish I had a gun is all, every other way to kill yourself just involves too much bull * * * * or uncertainty. Like a week ago I stuffed like 8 panadol down my throat....as well as being totally drunk. Next morning I wake up and Im fine....I mean what the hell. I though that 8 would have been enough especailly cuz I was drunk aswell... but no.

 

* * * * I just wish I could die, I really do. Its just my life is so messed up, my friends are so helpless and I can never even sleep at night.

 

Whats really caused all this is my girlfriend breaking up with me. Its over a month ago now and still I've gotten no better, if anything I think I've actually gotten worse. Its not even the breaking up thats killing me, its the circumstance. We were going out for 2 1/2 years when she suddenly broke up with me.

She said she didnt love me anymore but I think the real truth of the matter is that she just wants to go out with other guys and get drunk and party.

Of course breaking up with me doesnt make her doing any of those things better for me. Cuz I still love her it just feels like shes cheating on me.

The one thing I used to love about her was that she was a nice sweet girl who didnt like to get drunk or party...and was only interested in me and making a family. Then she just suddenly changed into this whorish drunk.

 

All this really doesnt matter cuz ya'll will never know how this makes me feel but I feel I should at least say it.

Cuz I live on her road I can ever get over her...shes always going to be there. Apart from that my friends still talk to her cuz one works with her and the other lives on my road as well.

All this just means that I'll never get over her cuz shes always gonna be right there on my road.

 

Anyway I just wish I could get a gun or a simple, sure and quick way to kill myself. I really, really don't want to be alive anymore cuz every day just seems to get worse and worse for me. I cant escape the girl. Everynight I even dream about her...bad dreams. She haunts me constantly. i always just dream about her * * * *ing other guys, getting wasted and * * * *ing my friends. It horrible. I hate going to asleep, I hate being awake cuz all I can ever think about is her and killing myself. It isnt pleasent.

 

I've nobody to talk to about this either except really online people. All of her friends ignore me aswell even though I was nothing but nice to them and nothing but loving towards my ex-girlfriend. Its hard to deal with things like that. She breaks up with me, she takes everything from me. Her friends dont talk to me but mine talk to her. She gets to do what she likes and live her life the way she wants and all I get is * * * *ing miserable and suicidal. I hate her for doing this to me.

 

I just wish I could die

I just want my life over with.... it isnt worth all this pain and suffering, it really isn't. I just want to escape her and dieings the only way cuz sleeping sure doesnt work and being awake doesnt do * * * * either........

 

I never knew what hell was like until now.

God, I miss her. Why did she have to do this to me

[moink75]

hold up right there. Ending your life is never the answer. You are in pain, but guess what? That pain lets you know you are alive. Life is just a bunch of experiences tied along a string. In order to enjoy the highs, you have to experience the lows. It is a roller coaster of life. It just so happens that you are on the down slope. I am having problems getting a job, but guess what. There is someone else out there that is worse off than you. I am not trying to make light of your situation believe me. I had my fiance leave meafter cheating on me with his best friend's girlfriend. I know how lonely nights are. That is the time when your mind runs nonstop. I think about it all the time, believe me I do. Do you want to live your life like your ex is right now. Look around you. Is there something else you can concentrate on instead of her. I am here to help you. I know how it feels. Please just think about a different time. A happy time. I look at my 2 year old nephew. He helps me to look at life in a rosy shade of red.

[Karibo]

Firstly, i know you won't believe this now, but IT WILL GET BETTER.

 

I know how you feel, there was a time in my life where I felt like ending it because it felt as if I couldn't cope with everything. I felt as if I just needed a break and the only way I could think that would happen is if I killed myself. But I was wrong. Honestly, time and strength is all you need and then peace will come back to you. Do not end your life - you have so much ahead of you to look forward to and soon you will realise this. I look back now at how i wanted to end things then and I am soooo grateful I didn't and now I am happy. You will be happy too. I understand how you feel completely - my ex was violent towards me and I loved him so much. I felt as if I must of deserved it but i couldn't ever work out why. Now I know that I definetly did not deserve any of it and I became stonger.

 

Just hold in there - honestly - trust me on this one and soon you will realise what sheer strength you have which you never knew existed, strength that will pull you through and make you realise that you deserve to be happy and strength that will make you feel good about yourself again.

 

Have you thought about what affect your death would have on your family? and friends? They will be completely devestated and this will make them feel the exact same way that you are feeling now. They will deeply mourn your loss and will experience the loss that you are feeling for your ex girlfriend, but much worse. They will blame themselves and will never be able to forgive themselves, wondering if only they could have done something. Do you really want to put your family and friends through this?

 

You must go and talk to someone about this. Tell a family member or close friend and go to counselling. this will really help you and you will be able to share some of your feelings and let them free. I found that my suicidal thoughts were made alot worse because I felt i was alone. but i wasn't. I told two close friends and they really helped me out lots. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Friends and family will do everything in their power to care for you because they do care, a hell of a lot more than you will ever know.

 

Please do not drink anymore either. I found this only aggrivated my situation and made me feel even more emotional and prone to making rash decisions.

 

Go out, do things that will help you forget her. I know this is extremely hard and will take time, but i promise you, you will start to enjoy life again without her. There will be other friends, girlfriends and i know you can't see this now, but it's true. Just think about the people you will never get to meet, the loves of your life you will never get to hold, kiss, share your thoughts and feelings with and share your life with, children that you will never get to have some day, all because you gave in and didn't realise that you would get through this. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS and you will come out the other end a much stronger person who has the best love in the world - self-love and sheer strength and determination to live your life to the full and be happy. This is all possible - i know it doesn't seem like it now, but it definetly is.

 

Please, Please please GIVE IT TIME and DONT GIVE UP. you have your whole life ahead of you and soon enough if you hang in there, you will look back and realise how glad you are that you didn't give up.

[mick7734]

I agree that without lows there arent highs but its just so hard to deal with it. I know that I'll probably get over her eventually but I just don't want to go through the months and months of this horrible pain until I get over her. Its too much, way too much for me.

I know it might seem crazy what Im saying and I know loads of people go through break ups but it just seems that I've gotten hit pretty bad with this one.

I gave her so, so much its not even funny and I got nothing in return just bad memories. I mean the memories I have of the last 3 years are all of her. I spent everyday of my life beside her.

We used to always talk about marriage, kids and the future and suddenly she just changes into what I can only assume is her EXACT opposite. I mean if you can think of a way I can get away from her, without moving house I'll be so happy.

Just the other night I was calling up my friends house I look over at her house and there she is upstairs in her pyjamas looking so beautiful. i cant help but look at her house everytime I pass it.

 

You ask do I want to live my life like my ex is? The answer is no. I hate that kind of lifestlye. I've tried to go out with my friends but it just makes me worse, makes me miss her even more.

I wish I could consentrate on something else but I cant. Theres nothing I can find.

 

I mean I've got lonely days, nights and then the added bonus of horrible dreams about her. I can't get a break from her.

 

I'm just missing a part of me....actually pretty much all of me.

The life I had with her was the kind of life I want. I loved our life, it suited me so much but now its just gone.

I just feel like I wasted 3 years on her and will undoubtable be left scarred forever cuz of her.

I appreciate the advice but its just not what I want, I wish it was but its not.

I just want to escape from her and from everything.

I can't deal with it anymore....

 

I really dont think my friends would care too much, as close as we used to be we really arent anymore. If they dont care enough to even talk to me about my breakup then why would they care about the consequence of it. The only person I would feel bad for is my sister and that'd be it really. Other then that no one really knows me enough to miss me. Also as screwed up as it may sound I actually think that if she had died It wouldnt hurt as much cuz I'd know that there arent guys out there shes kissing and I'd know shes not getting drunk. (btw getting drunk is such a big deal for me, I dont know why but it makes me sick to the stumach just to think about it.... I dont know why. I really wish it didnt since we live in such a drinking society)

 

I really wish I could see a good outlook on this but I've never met a girl that I found as attractive as my ex. Shes the only girl I've ever loved were I found her both sexy and totally innocently beautiful at the same time.

I just dont think I'll meet somebody I love as much as her and if I ever did, I'd probably spend my time conmparing her with my ex

 

I know I shouldnt drink and I've realised that but I kinda helps me too sleep. * * * * my life is so messed up. I mean i wake up at 2pm go to work until 10pm come home do nothing, stay on my computer until about 6/7/8/9am, then go to bed and try to sleep just to wake up for 2pm again the next day

 

Even if I wanted to I couldnt have a life with my job taking up all my time.

My ex just fitted around my life so well.

 

This is horrible but thanks for the incouraging words

[Beyondthesea]

Trust me, I've been there, where the pain is so great that you feel you might physically pass out from the agony of losing that person.

 

Sadly, this is what happens when a relationship ends friend We know how hard it is, it's so hard to get through...but here we all are. In time, you will realize that she wasn't the one for you, for many reasons.

 

What do you mean your job takes up all your time? Do you work full time? So do I!

 

Friend, really. The pain will pass, your life will go on, and things will be alright. It sounds as though you've become so consumed with your pain that you haven't even considered that you should be working on feeling better?

 

Give yourself a break, and realize that life continues, the pain will subside, and you will be a stronger person because of it

 

Keep posting, we are here to listen!

[moink75]

It will get better. I was with my now ex for 5 years. He met me just before my mom died. After my mom died I was never the same person. I was the same shell of a person, but I was not the same person on the inside. I lived my life second by second. My mom was not sick. She was taken away from me in a flash. It is something I will try to get over for the rest of my life. When my fiance left, my life again was turned upside down. I was living my life and then bang, it felt like my life stopped and no one else seemed to notice. I look back and I now realize that my friends and family were not sure how to help me through the breakup. They did not want to upset me by mentioning my breakup, but they did not know how to share support so they didn't do too much for me, but they tried. It is kind of like when mom died. People tried in their own little ways to make me feel better, but when they tried to express their concern, it did not come out too well. I know this breakup is still too fresh in your mind, but, do not ever give up. It is hard living so close to her. Your friends are trying to live their lives and they may not be sure what you need to get through this. I just met you, but I tell you what, you seem to be a great person that is in so much pain that you cannot see anything but your pain. I would bet that there are people looking out for you and you just might not know it. You are at a cross-road in you life. You are the one that needs to take the first step in healing yourself. I know for me, it has taken time. Like a child learing to walk, you need to take baby steps to learn how to walk. All good things take time. If I could take away the pain when I wanted to it would be great, but that does not happen. Take the day second by second. You will see that after time you can take it minute by minute, then hour by hour and then week by week. This is not an overnight remedy where your heart just forgets your feelings. You do not just shut it off because it hurts. You learn to handle that hurt a little better each day. I know, I have been throu it. I bet if you talked to someone you knew and trusted, they would tell you something along the same lines as I have. You don't know how strong you are until you are put to the test. This is your test and you will pass it with flying colors. You feel like you are alone, but you never are. People are there for you, you just have to talk to them. I feel better after I get my feelings out. It is better to get those feelings out and set them free than it is to pent them up inside. Those feelings will just eat at you until you break down. Maybe you feel lost, but believe me, you will find your way back.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I too have dreams about an ex, last night I had one in which we were just back together, kissing and everything..it was 20 minutes after I awoke that it hit me, in the stomach, that we were not back together and probably never ever will be.

 

And it ended over 10 months ago, so yeah... it does take a very long time.

[moink75]

Love is not always easy. If it was, what kind of fun would that be?

[moink75]

mick7734, you haven't written lately. Are you ok? Please let me know.

[mick7734]

Yeah I'm ok...sorry for not writing much. I'm still the same. Lifes still horrible but Im trying to keep myself occupied somewhat. I suppose hearing about other peoples problems has made me appreciate that mine could have been worse but still it does not take the pain away.

I've been looking for somewhere else to live but have yet to come accross much. I've also been trying to put a website together with a friend I have online, thats takin up alot of my day which is good.

 

I've realised that Summers coming so Im abit bummed about that. It means that it gets brighter earlier which means I'll have to fall asleep when its bright outside. I don't like falling asleep when its bright. Also Summer just brings memories of previous summers that were filled up with fun and romance.... I just feel I cant live without her...

 

I've also come to realise that getting another girlfriend will be pretty much impossible because of the type of person I am

I wish I was somebody else, anybody else prehaps...

 

...and with that I bid you fairwell.

6:20am....what can I do now?

[moink75]

I know it is tough to fall asleep when most others are awake. Darken the room a bit, that might help. So what do you mean it will be impossible to find another girlfriend because of the type of person you are? Nothing is ever impossible, it just might take some work.. Summer time is suppose to be the time when people get out of a depression. It is because of the sun. Go outside and make new memories. That part of might be rough, but it could be fun doing that. Make sure to live your life to the fullest. Don't just exist in life, live it. It will get better, and when you least expect it, something wonderfu will happen. This could be anything from actually having a good day, to meeting someone new. Believe me, we all have issues and concerns. If we didn't, why would we talk to others about how we feel, or what we miss, or what we want. Keep at it. Just keep at it.

[moink75]

Hey its me again, I just hope you had a better day. I want you to know, I am still here if you need to talk. Reach out. People are here to help. No pressure, I just wanted you to know OK?

[mick7734]

Ha, its seems I'm back to square one again. Damn, this is such hell. Maybe if I had actual friends to talk all my "problems" out with, it could help but I don't. it seems that all the friends I have aren't very good ones. I mean since my ex broke up with me not one of them has even asked me how I am, or am I OK?

 

It really sickens me and even worse they seem to all be in contact with my ex. I'm their friends, she isn't. It seems that all my friends are making my situation worse. They keep doing things that just screw me up. Like one was checking his email in front of me and he had about 5 very recent emails from my ex. I mean what are they talking about. is he consoling her and not me?

 

Apart from that they ALL keep going onto this online thing. I'm sure most of you have heard of it, Bebo. Anyway they keep going on in front of me and I'll see comments left by my ex with a pretty little picture of her beside it.

 

I can't get over her if I keep seeing all these beautiful photographs of her. It just makes me miss her more. It makes me hurt so much inside that I don't have her anymore..... I just miss her so much.

 

Even worse is shes so happy to my friends. All her comments have smiles. its as if she's totally over me and hasn't a care in the world.

 

It makes me so miserable knowing thats her lifes perfect and mines just a pile of crap. I've lost my girlfriend, shes basically takin all my friends and if she hasnt takin them, I cant stand to hang around with them anymore cuz they make me worse.. None of her friends talk to me. I've no one to turn to, except this, but its not the same. Its so depressing that I can never escape her without just up and leaving my whole life behind, my friends included. Its horrible to think that I might have to start off from square one again, find new friends.

I really just want out more then ever. I've nothing to live for anymore. I've nothing to offer anyone.

I just wish I wasn't such a chicken, that'd I'd just go through with it and that'll be that.

 

Although hopefully if I find a certain something that I'm at the moment looking for, I wont have to deal with being afraid that I'll mess up.

 

I find that even though Im off work 2moro, I'm not going to do anything. I've nobody to do anything with besides.

 

 

...I really hope I die soon

[TheHighwayMan]

hey Mick

 

I don't know how to make things better for you, I wish I could, but I can only offer my understanding. I'm in a simular sitaution myself. I can't get over my ex, I'm stuck in a hole of depression I can't get out, and I have few people to talk to about it. While on the other hand she is happy as can be, surrounded by her millions of friends and bright and shiny life that I am no longer apart of. And I have to see her all the time and be reminded of that constantly. And I know what you're saying about summer. Usually I like the season, but when you're in this condition all the sunshine and happiness around you just makes you feel that much worse. It sucks...it really sucks

 

So yeah...I know it doesn't make things a whole lot better...but as the title says - you're not alone my friend. We just have to tough it out.

[moink75]

Hey Mick7734. I feel really bad. Let me just say that your ex's actions could be to cover how she really feels. I have friends and I have associates . I can count the number of my true friends on less than 10 fingures, but the number of associates are limitless. The actions that you have pointed out, are they being done deliberately, or by accident. Sometimes others don't realize what they are doing. I am not making an excuse by any means. Life is a gift and it is worth it. Life is not so grand right now, but it will get better. Talk to someone please, please, please. This might not be the same, but there are others on this site too. Talk to us. If this is too public, private message. You have people there for you, just reach out. Talk to your friends, they might not know they are making you feel this way.

[moink75]

Hey, what is going on? Are you ok?

[becallamjr]

Do some drugs, get wasted. Well that is what I would wanna do in your position.

 

Maybe you should call someone up that you used to be good friends with, that you haven't seen in a long time and hang out with them. I know everyone has a friend or two that they just have spoken to in a long time or the friendship never really ended just fell away over the years.

[moink75]

DRUGS WON'T HELP. Talking to someone you trust will.

[moink75]

Mick, come on I haven't heard from you. I hope all is well

[becallamjr]

Just checking in Mick, so what's up?

[mick7734]

Actually just back from Hospital today. I some what overdosed and consequently messed up my liver abit. My blood tests were all back to normal today though so I came home....although I miss it now. I miss having people around all the time, I shoulda stayed at least another night....

 

....so to answer your question, not doin so good...and my stomachs really sore now and I got tracklines all over my arms....ha.

 

They recommended I go see someone but I'm not sure if I will or not. I might though. I'm just kinda bored now and wish I was back in hospital

[becallamjr]

Keep striving.

[Brooding_Goddess]

Actually just back from Hospital today. I some what overdosed and consequently messed up my liver abit. My blood tests were all back to normal today though so I came home....although I miss it now. I miss having people around all the time, I shoulda stayed at least another night....

 

....so to answer your question, not doin so good...and my stomachs really sore now and I got tracklines all over my arms....ha.

 

They recommended I go see someone but I'm not sure if I will or not. I might though. I'm just kinda bored now and wish I was back in hospital

 

Though I may not know what caused you to do that, but I know the hospital isnt the very place you wanna be at, even if you are "sick". There must be many wonderful places out there so maybe you wanna grab a magazine and browse through. It can be a lifting experience as sometimes when I am unhappy I look through travel magazines and imagine what it would be like to be at a certain place looking accross the river with a cuppa.

 

I have asked to visit the institute of mental health. Not sure if I've been condemned least to speak. Bottom line, stay out of hospital. The next time they wanna see you, is downtown on the street, happy and smiling.

[mick7734]

Well after my GP was talking to me, he asked if I'd try a new method (I suppose) of dealing with myself. I was talking to her today and whatever it is seems good. I have to go see her every day this week and probably 3 or 4 days the week after etc. etc.

 

I don't know if it'll work at all or make me better but as my doctor said, what have I got to lose?

I don't know. I can't see myself ever being better. I can't see me ever getting over my ex fully... and I can't see myself ever being happy with life. I suppose what have I to lose though? May as well try something

 

I'll let ya'll know how it goes anyway in a week or two.....

 

hospital was a nice place to be I tell you. All the nurses were lovely and I was constantly surrounded by people, even at night time there was always a nurse doing some work and walking around just outside my bed. Thats what I liked about hospital. There was always company around.

[moink75]

Mick, I am glad to hear from you but I am concerned for you. Please take care of yourself. Reach out to the people you love. There are more people around you that love you than you know. Don't concentrate on what you don't have, concentrate on what you do have.